Not to be too dramatic but...it really does feel like I'm in mourning. As much as I look forward to losing the guilt that keeps me awake I want to find a reason to look forward to getting ready in the morning....12:00pm, and 4:00p, (the times I allow myself to take pills). I would spend most of my day looking at the clock to see how close it was to those times.
And I read on someone's post that they would have to take pills just so going to the store would be "fun". I completely understand that. Each day that I wanted to quit in the past I would do something like look around the house and say, 'Well I'll need to take pills to really get this clean today" Or " I hate doing bills so I'll just take them now so I can do the bills".
Thanks for being here. My husband doesn't know about this so my posts can be far between. I'm always reading your posts though. I'm proud of all of you.
God Bless.
I think your post was written by me. I too had those exact feeling although my times were 12:00pm and 6:00p.m. and I would "reward" myself for doing things like taking the kids to an amusement park. Once I painted a whole room high on pills. The problem was I became moody and needed more and more to get that feeling and that is where it started to suck. ( days ago I was throwing up because the pills were making me sick but I still took them the next day so you see their pull is unbelievably strong. My family does not know either. Is that the right way to go I don't know but for now it is all I can do. Hang in there and write when you can.
Roxy
Roxy
CiCi
It is freaking me out reading your post....i cant tell you how many times i would say and do the exact same thing, and we are pretty close in the times we would look forward to our dose...My first varied but sometime after 12, and then always 4 just before Oprah...
The bills? Same thing....i cant do them unless i took the pills..cant even OPEN them to deal with them unless i took them first...phone call that i knew would stress me out? Pills first...Housework...same thing....at the end i just didnt think i was capable of doing anything that would exert energy mental and or physical unless i took the pills first....and i remember wondering if anyone else thought that and wondering WHY im thinking that.....when did i START thinking like that....
For me courage came in the form of a pill...and the longer i was on them the more courage i needed just to get out of the house or get anything done in the house....A virtual prisoner...
Thankyou for posting that....i dont ever ever want to feel those things again..
Hugs
Ali
It is freaking me out reading your post....i cant tell you how many times i would say and do the exact same thing, and we are pretty close in the times we would look forward to our dose...My first varied but sometime after 12, and then always 4 just before Oprah...
The bills? Same thing....i cant do them unless i took the pills..cant even OPEN them to deal with them unless i took them first...phone call that i knew would stress me out? Pills first...Housework...same thing....at the end i just didnt think i was capable of doing anything that would exert energy mental and or physical unless i took the pills first....and i remember wondering if anyone else thought that and wondering WHY im thinking that.....when did i START thinking like that....
For me courage came in the form of a pill...and the longer i was on them the more courage i needed just to get out of the house or get anything done in the house....A virtual prisoner...
Thankyou for posting that....i dont ever ever want to feel those things again..
Hugs
Ali
((((((((((((((((cici)))))))))))))))))))))
recovery is freedom.
love from me to you...........
and a big hug of understanding............
thumper
recovery is freedom.
love from me to you...........
and a big hug of understanding............
thumper
You guys are so supportive. Everyone's in bed and I couldn't wait to get onto this site. I took my shower and got in jammies and put tanning cream on my face so that I might look okay for work tomorrow......and you guys made me streak my face with tears now I'll look ridiculous!!! Thank you. Just to hear that you relate is the most amazing thing. And..Thumper...your hug is the first online hug I've ever received and it meant so much to me.
All day long I've been thinking of "Addicted2oxy" I've been praying for her while I've been doing my everyday (boring w/o pills) things. Her strength and all of yours gives me strength. There are a few of you here that make me feel like I can do anything.
My taper (which has been half assed) ends on Thurs. My dr gave me a handwritten schedule.. I followed the amount (cut in half) but took the pills at one time during the day so that I would still have something to look forward to.
I have no idea what to expect. I wasn't using as much as I did my first time. We'll see. I just can't wait to 'travel lighter'..leave town without having to worry about having enough pills to go. Eat my lunch if I love it...without worrying if it will affect my 4:00 high. Quit looking at that damn clock to see when I'll be happy again.
I'm so very happy I found this board. Thank you.
God bless you.
All day long I've been thinking of "Addicted2oxy" I've been praying for her while I've been doing my everyday (boring w/o pills) things. Her strength and all of yours gives me strength. There are a few of you here that make me feel like I can do anything.
My taper (which has been half assed) ends on Thurs. My dr gave me a handwritten schedule.. I followed the amount (cut in half) but took the pills at one time during the day so that I would still have something to look forward to.
I have no idea what to expect. I wasn't using as much as I did my first time. We'll see. I just can't wait to 'travel lighter'..leave town without having to worry about having enough pills to go. Eat my lunch if I love it...without worrying if it will affect my 4:00 high. Quit looking at that damn clock to see when I'll be happy again.
I'm so very happy I found this board. Thank you.
God bless you.
((((((((((((((((((((((( CICI ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Theres your 2nd....lolol
Honey i could go on forever with how much better your life will be without those pills...and those things that once seemed so important??? Until you posted them here...i havent thought about those things for months and months and months....and the same will happen for you i promise....
They say it takes i think? 27 days to form a new habit.....and thats exactly what happened to me...i found new ways, new "rituals" that made me happy....as silly as it sounds...i now sit down with an orange, sometimes two and watch my Oprah....and half way through, i lie on the floor and do my sit-ups with this crunch machine that supports my neck, and which laid in the garage for at least 3 years without being used..lolol
Dusted it off, and now its part of my ritual....lolol and one i look forward to, i kid you not....with the same amount of happiness.....
The odd time i will think about what i used to do, and i remind myself that its not true, they didnt even work anymore, id take them just in the Hope i may catch a slight buzz...which never happened anyway....
I never sit in the same chair i did back then....and have tried to keep on top of my bills BEFORE they pile up and stress me out....( but between you and me its still not a habit...lol)
You will be so happy honey...you just need to get the withdrawal part behind you...hopefully your Dr will keep an eye on your blood pressure and help you short term if you cant sleep....but you'll do it....if i can do it...you can..believe me..my rituals were pretty entrenched in my life after around 15 years of doing them..
Just remember hon..
"GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE....
but he loves you too much to have you stay that way....."
You are capable of this.
You deserve this.
hugs
Ali
Theres your 2nd....lolol
Honey i could go on forever with how much better your life will be without those pills...and those things that once seemed so important??? Until you posted them here...i havent thought about those things for months and months and months....and the same will happen for you i promise....
They say it takes i think? 27 days to form a new habit.....and thats exactly what happened to me...i found new ways, new "rituals" that made me happy....as silly as it sounds...i now sit down with an orange, sometimes two and watch my Oprah....and half way through, i lie on the floor and do my sit-ups with this crunch machine that supports my neck, and which laid in the garage for at least 3 years without being used..lolol
Dusted it off, and now its part of my ritual....lolol and one i look forward to, i kid you not....with the same amount of happiness.....
The odd time i will think about what i used to do, and i remind myself that its not true, they didnt even work anymore, id take them just in the Hope i may catch a slight buzz...which never happened anyway....
I never sit in the same chair i did back then....and have tried to keep on top of my bills BEFORE they pile up and stress me out....( but between you and me its still not a habit...lol)
You will be so happy honey...you just need to get the withdrawal part behind you...hopefully your Dr will keep an eye on your blood pressure and help you short term if you cant sleep....but you'll do it....if i can do it...you can..believe me..my rituals were pretty entrenched in my life after around 15 years of doing them..
Just remember hon..
"GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE....
but he loves you too much to have you stay that way....."
You are capable of this.
You deserve this.
hugs
Ali
Hi Cici....I think everyone on this board has felt as you do now.I found when the euphoria final completely disappeared from using that I hibernated and would only go out to get pills.I felt Why do anything if there is no joy in it? That's why recovery was so scarey for me.I didn't believe I would ever enjoy life without taking something to make me feel good inside.
I had completely forgot what life was like without pills.Recovery is a process.It takes time to overcome and to heal.You won't always feel miserable.Each day is a healing day.
Put your trust in something besides yourself.I had great support from a friend in Na.I would go to the meetings that first year and he kept promising it would get better.
Be committed....put all your effort in recovering and you won't be disappointed.
Kevin
I had completely forgot what life was like without pills.Recovery is a process.It takes time to overcome and to heal.You won't always feel miserable.Each day is a healing day.
Put your trust in something besides yourself.I had great support from a friend in Na.I would go to the meetings that first year and he kept promising it would get better.
Be committed....put all your effort in recovering and you won't be disappointed.
Kevin
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((CICI))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Heres your third online hug!!!!
man can i so relate to what you guys are talking about!!!
its like i wrote the above posts myself
roxy one time i painted the entire kitchen high on vicodin and i did it the tuesday before thanksgiving, not to mention that i marathon cooked and baked on wed and thurs. for thanksgiving. i would of never done that sober. i dont know why i painted but i did it again one night after smoking too much pot i decided at 9:00 pm to paint my bedroom! one thing i can say is that evening painting sheds a whole different light on the walls, lots of missed spots next morning.
my doses of pills went like this: as soon as my eyes opened in the morning, first thought and action were to take the PILLS!!! YEAH!!! if i didnt have any, then i was a b*tch. that was around 8 am, next dose was noon, next was 4:00 and the last was 9:00 pm daily for 5 years! anything that needed to be done was done as soon as i took the pill when the high felt the strongest, and as ali said in time the highs started to fizzle out and then the pills turned on me where i couldnt function at all if i didnt have them. before i lived to use and then i used to live.
i have 6 mos clean with the help of suboxone but i am not out of the woods yet because i soon will have to taper off those. just thought i'd share my story, peace! jewels/julie
Heres your third online hug!!!!
man can i so relate to what you guys are talking about!!!
its like i wrote the above posts myself
roxy one time i painted the entire kitchen high on vicodin and i did it the tuesday before thanksgiving, not to mention that i marathon cooked and baked on wed and thurs. for thanksgiving. i would of never done that sober. i dont know why i painted but i did it again one night after smoking too much pot i decided at 9:00 pm to paint my bedroom! one thing i can say is that evening painting sheds a whole different light on the walls, lots of missed spots next morning.
my doses of pills went like this: as soon as my eyes opened in the morning, first thought and action were to take the PILLS!!! YEAH!!! if i didnt have any, then i was a b*tch. that was around 8 am, next dose was noon, next was 4:00 and the last was 9:00 pm daily for 5 years! anything that needed to be done was done as soon as i took the pill when the high felt the strongest, and as ali said in time the highs started to fizzle out and then the pills turned on me where i couldnt function at all if i didnt have them. before i lived to use and then i used to live.
i have 6 mos clean with the help of suboxone but i am not out of the woods yet because i soon will have to taper off those. just thought i'd share my story, peace! jewels/julie
(((((HUGS)))))....and your fourth. Do you feell how hard the squeeze is? People here care.
Cici,
Your post reminded me so much of what life used to be like for me, I had a hard time even responding. It is like longing for a lover.
But remember, drugs are very false lovers and will take your looks, your prospects, your self-respect, your money and eventually your life.
Can you plan rewards for yourself to substitute during those times you would normally be taking a pill? For myself, instead of the 12:00 pill, I would arrange for lunch with a good friend. How about a massage at 4:00 to look forward to?
Or hang out here at those times and someone will come to hold you up until you get past the ache.
Remember to breathe.
Love,
Gina
Your post reminded me so much of what life used to be like for me, I had a hard time even responding. It is like longing for a lover.
But remember, drugs are very false lovers and will take your looks, your prospects, your self-respect, your money and eventually your life.
Can you plan rewards for yourself to substitute during those times you would normally be taking a pill? For myself, instead of the 12:00 pill, I would arrange for lunch with a good friend. How about a massage at 4:00 to look forward to?
Or hang out here at those times and someone will come to hold you up until you get past the ache.
Remember to breathe.
Love,
Gina
Thank you with all my heart. I wish I could print out your posts and take them to work today. I hope I can be somewhat nice to people today.
Thank you for my hugs. I DID feel them.
Thank you for my hugs. I DID feel them.
I've been feeling down tonight and wanted to reread my first posts. I just have to say that I can't believe how far I've come and I can't believe how much I owe to the support on this site. I read every post here and though I don't reply, I pray for every person that struggles. And for those that are the "hope" for the struggling.
Thanks again for your kindness to me back in January. You have no idea how much it meant to me (and still does).
Thanks again for your kindness to me back in January. You have no idea how much it meant to me (and still does).
Hey CiCi:
I'm now where you were then, in your first posts, I think it was the beginning of Feb? I'm up at 1;30 brcause I can't sleep, I feel I have to take Lortab to do anything, lately though to feel anything, I have to take so many that I'll throw up, and throw up. I'll feel a little better the next day so it'll start all over. I guess these used to be fun for me???? Maybe I'll get so sick of getting sick, I'll stop. Somethings gotta give.
I'm now where you were then, in your first posts, I think it was the beginning of Feb? I'm up at 1;30 brcause I can't sleep, I feel I have to take Lortab to do anything, lately though to feel anything, I have to take so many that I'll throw up, and throw up. I'll feel a little better the next day so it'll start all over. I guess these used to be fun for me???? Maybe I'll get so sick of getting sick, I'll stop. Somethings gotta give.
