I smoked daily heavily for about 17 years. It was easy since I had it all around me and a basic constant supply. I had to move to another state and I left the person I was with so it made it much harder to obtain. I felt like a total drug addict constantly trying to get it or worried what I would do if I ran out. I have used most other drugs and alcohol. I just really loved pot. I did not have kids so I didn't really think it was a problem. I do have asthma and I don't think inhaling smoke all day was good. I ended up getting pregnant and married and I did only smoke a tiny bit while pregnant but continued to fully smoke again if I could get it when I was not pregnant. The quality was poor and it really didn't get me high. I would drive miles to get it and moslty it came from the city so it would be such a tiny amount. it was controlling my life. I did not want to hang out with anyone unless they smoked. I never socialized with other mothers. I constantly worried about when I would be able to smoke again so I hated going on any trips. I would have to bring my altoids tin everywhere with a pipe and stuff. That worried me carrying that around especially with kids. My husband hated it and we argued about it alot since it costed alot per week and I didnt work.
It all ended pretty much after I went back to where I used to live and I couldn't wait since I knew I could get some to bring back and I got a pound. Well that lasted barely a month and then I was back to crazy looking for more. It seemed a never ending cycle and I went to MA online, then I eventually went to NA meetings. I hated them at first. I did not like to socialize at all. I was sick as hell for about 3 days. I could not eat anything. It took about 2 weeks for the nausea to go away. I smoked ciagrettes before I quit the pot a little, but once I quit the pot I was smoking 2 packs a day almost. As soon as the nausea went away I was addicted to food. I gained a ton of weight.
I have been OK and I am sometimes around it and have managed to not touch the pot at all for this long. I feel like I still crave it and wish I could smoke, but I would just end up the same way again. I went to NA for a year or so and stopped going. It is hard to get there with 2 kids and my husband works late alot. I think it helped greatly and I learned to like it alot. I like the women only meetings the best. You go through all the stages of loss after you quit. I was angry, sad, I missed my best friend. I was jealous of other people who smoked. Eventually I learned to accept it.
My problem now is I stop smoking cigarettes and then I start again. I will go through times of having a few drinks and then that goes away. Right now I take xanax to sleep and I feel like I will never be free of being addicted to something, but stopping pot was the hardest thing and I really did it and it is truly addicting.
My life is so much better now. I have lots of friends. I am alot healthier. My mental state has really calmed down. It does take alot of time to get over it all, especially if you smoked alot of years to numb the pain. The pain all comes back, but once you face it , it will get better.
Wow. Thats some amazing clean time. Congratulations. Your post was so real. It felt like someone was talking about what I have experienced in the last year. Thanks for posting your story here. It will inspire others to keep working at recovery.
jdw- thank you for that wonderful post. i needed that! jojo
