I have had a really good week! I actually enjoyed life, slept well,and had minimal worries flowing through my mind!
Then I got a text from my 46 y/o addicted son while I was with my husband getting skin cancers removed from his face.
The text said--" I haven't eaten in several days or had any clean clothes and I have no place to go--I am begging you--please help me."
Well, needless to say, I had a lump in my throat and a rock in my stomach and I felt the old "primal urges of parenting" coming back! Thoughts of well we could get him a meal and some clean clothes and a room for several nights and maybe he would be able to get on his feet and do some work to continue on-------
Then I remembered how many times we have done that very same thing for Chris and how it never worked in the past umpteen years so it won't work now!!!
I remembered that his addiction is about him and how I react to it is about ME!!!
I chose not to react and I didn't answer his text. I waited for his usual nasty response laced with filthy words and name calling. He did not respond.
Yes-- I still worry and think horrible things will happen to him and they might, but whatever we do will only allow him to continue in his path of self destruction and I don't want to be the cause or contributor any longer!
I am slowly getting stronger and letting go. Yes--it still hurts and yes I will probably never quit feeling a loss--loss of the one I raised and who is now become a complete stranger! Sometimes I am still overcome with sadness, but I am certain of one thing--I am not in charge!
Prayers and hugs to all of my friends here who totally understand this awful struggle!!!
Lori
Lori,
Good for you!
This is a very difficult situation and it seems we always jump to mom-mode. And, the really unfair thing is that the sons are being completely inappropriate and manipulative. They know they can tug at our heartstrings. If we are not careful, we follow their line of thinking as they manipulate us.
My son has been trying to convince me of crazy things, like if I would buy him drugs, he would not be running around at night. If I would move him to Colorado, he would never be charged. If I would get him some prescription medicine, he would stay out of trouble.
I mean, these are really crazy thoughts he has. And, the really crazy thing is he is SO convincing with his smooth conversations. Obviously, I would never do any of these ridiculous things, but I sometimes catch myself feeling guilty because *I am making him go out and seek drugs* because I am so strict. Yes, these are the crazy thoughts that pass through my mind.
But, like you--I am getting stronger. I really do want my life; I want to enjoy my life. I have exhausted myself trying to help. And, my new books from CODA and meetings and this board are helping me DETACH with love. It feels good. I know we will always have our down times because we love them. But, I am glad you are getting stronger and living your life.
We can't help them.
I went for a walk and focused on this reading for the day. I really thought about these words and their meaning-acceptance; detachment; gratitude; being totally present in the moment. I am grateful for my life and I want to enjoy each moment. I hope someday my son feels the same about his life, but he does not and I cannot make him.
The funny thing is---he is noticing a change in me and is not sure what to do sometimes. I even just left my books out. I thought, 'why hide it'. He picked it up and started reading one of the entries. He looked very disturbed. He asked what it was and I told him I could not take it anymore. That I have to let him go and I have to take care of myself.
Right now, he is very angry at me and trying to punish me. I am happy to say the effects are minimal. I really don't feel manipulated into guilt or sadness. He sure knows what to say to HOOK me back in. I feel the hook, but walk the other way.
For example, he likes to say shocking things that he might do or try. Like, 'since you won't give money for x, I guess I will have to buy x drug that is super dangerous'. He likes to act like I am putting him danger because he knows this will hook me because I love him/I care. The deep sickness of this behavior is really hitting me. I know it is his addiction, but it is sick. Taking advantage of someone's love. He NEVER asks how I am or how family members are. It is all about him. I always liked the saying about not crying for someone who would not cry for you. I am trying to be strong and love myself and NOT accept unacceptable behavior.
Can't do it alone. Stay Strong! : )
Good for you!
This is a very difficult situation and it seems we always jump to mom-mode. And, the really unfair thing is that the sons are being completely inappropriate and manipulative. They know they can tug at our heartstrings. If we are not careful, we follow their line of thinking as they manipulate us.
My son has been trying to convince me of crazy things, like if I would buy him drugs, he would not be running around at night. If I would move him to Colorado, he would never be charged. If I would get him some prescription medicine, he would stay out of trouble.
I mean, these are really crazy thoughts he has. And, the really crazy thing is he is SO convincing with his smooth conversations. Obviously, I would never do any of these ridiculous things, but I sometimes catch myself feeling guilty because *I am making him go out and seek drugs* because I am so strict. Yes, these are the crazy thoughts that pass through my mind.
But, like you--I am getting stronger. I really do want my life; I want to enjoy my life. I have exhausted myself trying to help. And, my new books from CODA and meetings and this board are helping me DETACH with love. It feels good. I know we will always have our down times because we love them. But, I am glad you are getting stronger and living your life.
We can't help them.
I went for a walk and focused on this reading for the day. I really thought about these words and their meaning-acceptance; detachment; gratitude; being totally present in the moment. I am grateful for my life and I want to enjoy each moment. I hope someday my son feels the same about his life, but he does not and I cannot make him.
The funny thing is---he is noticing a change in me and is not sure what to do sometimes. I even just left my books out. I thought, 'why hide it'. He picked it up and started reading one of the entries. He looked very disturbed. He asked what it was and I told him I could not take it anymore. That I have to let him go and I have to take care of myself.
Right now, he is very angry at me and trying to punish me. I am happy to say the effects are minimal. I really don't feel manipulated into guilt or sadness. He sure knows what to say to HOOK me back in. I feel the hook, but walk the other way.
For example, he likes to say shocking things that he might do or try. Like, 'since you won't give money for x, I guess I will have to buy x drug that is super dangerous'. He likes to act like I am putting him danger because he knows this will hook me because I love him/I care. The deep sickness of this behavior is really hitting me. I know it is his addiction, but it is sick. Taking advantage of someone's love. He NEVER asks how I am or how family members are. It is all about him. I always liked the saying about not crying for someone who would not cry for you. I am trying to be strong and love myself and NOT accept unacceptable behavior.
Can't do it alone. Stay Strong! : )
parenting - I'm happy for you - making efforts to save yourself!
Stay safe.
dutchess - as sad as it is, you are doing the right thing.
Stay safe.
dutchess - as sad as it is, you are doing the right thing.
Lori,
This is so hard.... And we feel just as bad today as we did five years ago, but... You are doing the right thing, for you AND for your son. You know that but it helps us to hear someone else say it. I know, I've been there. We love our kids and we have to detach, and it is hard. Hang in there and stay strong!!
Sombra
This is so hard.... And we feel just as bad today as we did five years ago, but... You are doing the right thing, for you AND for your son. You know that but it helps us to hear someone else say it. I know, I've been there. We love our kids and we have to detach, and it is hard. Hang in there and stay strong!!
Sombra
@Lori..I have to say that I am seeing changes in how he is responding and I have hope for him...I really do! Not more than a few months ago, he wouldn't have been this polite in his first text and he would have followed it up with a deluge of profanity and other hateful rhetoric. This time was simply the one text.
I know when I was still active in my addiction and my family was no longer enabling, it took me a long time to figure out what to do. I did everything that Chris has done over these past few months. Last time he exploded in amazing fashion and it didn't work..he is now trying something different and that actually gives me hope for him.
He may not figure out the right thing to do for some time, but because you have detatched and stopped enabling, he is trying different things..he is trying to figure it out. It may take a while longer for him to start trudging uphill to the recovery side of things, but I see this a a good baby step in the right direction!
I know when I was still active in my addiction and my family was no longer enabling, it took me a long time to figure out what to do. I did everything that Chris has done over these past few months. Last time he exploded in amazing fashion and it didn't work..he is now trying something different and that actually gives me hope for him.
He may not figure out the right thing to do for some time, but because you have detatched and stopped enabling, he is trying different things..he is trying to figure it out. It may take a while longer for him to start trudging uphill to the recovery side of things, but I see this a a good baby step in the right direction!
That sounds how my ex husband treats his mother and father. If they don't help him, he calls them all kinds of names. His mom usually gives in though - sadly. I have tried and tried to get through to her but she just always gives into him. He's her oldest - she has three other kids - and for some reason she devotes more time to him than the rest and I've heard that is how it's always been. I know she was young when she had him - 18. But his brother came a year and a half later and the twins four years after my ex. He was always spoiled. He was the golden child and so now he has this entitled attitude that the world owes him something.
After he got out of jail last Sun she told me "I told him he's not staying with me. So don't come here." How she would lock the doors so he couldn't get in. Then he called her I guess Sat night and he was OD'ing. She took him to the hospital. He got out Mon night. He's at her house until he can get into rehab (again) and she's talking to the social worker about his "care plan."
But I know last year in about April he had texted his dad asking to borrow money "for the kids." No he wanted meth and his dad knew it and he told him he can't help him. My ex flipped on him. Said oh f*** you, you don't care about my kids and you never have. His dad said "Why should I help you after you wrote $3000 worth of checks you stole from me?" He did - his dad took him in after I filed for divorce the summer prior. What did he do - stole checks and spent about $3000 and never has tried to pay him back. I wish his dad would have pursued that but he dropped it.
His entire family just shoves his addiction under the rug and I don't get it.
I'm glad to see parents who stand up to their addict kids. I'm sure it's hard. I don't know what I will do if my daughter ends up like her dad. I hope not. For one she has medical issues, needs a transplant so she will be on meds for the rest of her life and if she uses illegal drugs I fear that would kill her. Hopefully I lead her the right way but we'll see. If she starts to act out like her dad did as a teen I will squash that s*** unlike his parents. He had his first community service at 15. Started meth at 17. He was living in his parents basement from 18 - 20 when he moved in with his future first wife and then went to prison.
I constantly tell his mom she has to let go but she won't. That's not my problem but then I can't let her see my daughter if she has him around. If she wants to keep choosing him over her other kids and her grandkids...it's just sad.
After he got out of jail last Sun she told me "I told him he's not staying with me. So don't come here." How she would lock the doors so he couldn't get in. Then he called her I guess Sat night and he was OD'ing. She took him to the hospital. He got out Mon night. He's at her house until he can get into rehab (again) and she's talking to the social worker about his "care plan."
But I know last year in about April he had texted his dad asking to borrow money "for the kids." No he wanted meth and his dad knew it and he told him he can't help him. My ex flipped on him. Said oh f*** you, you don't care about my kids and you never have. His dad said "Why should I help you after you wrote $3000 worth of checks you stole from me?" He did - his dad took him in after I filed for divorce the summer prior. What did he do - stole checks and spent about $3000 and never has tried to pay him back. I wish his dad would have pursued that but he dropped it.
His entire family just shoves his addiction under the rug and I don't get it.
I'm glad to see parents who stand up to their addict kids. I'm sure it's hard. I don't know what I will do if my daughter ends up like her dad. I hope not. For one she has medical issues, needs a transplant so she will be on meds for the rest of her life and if she uses illegal drugs I fear that would kill her. Hopefully I lead her the right way but we'll see. If she starts to act out like her dad did as a teen I will squash that s*** unlike his parents. He had his first community service at 15. Started meth at 17. He was living in his parents basement from 18 - 20 when he moved in with his future first wife and then went to prison.
I constantly tell his mom she has to let go but she won't. That's not my problem but then I can't let her see my daughter if she has him around. If she wants to keep choosing him over her other kids and her grandkids...it's just sad.
Hey Lori and friends,
I haven't been on here in awhile. Lori, I really do pray your son gets it together. You have gotten so much stronger than the beginning when we first started to talking. Im so proud of you. I still come on here and read a lot, go to my Alanon meetings and also have a little group I started (MRS-Mother Rollercoaster Survivors). There is more to our lives than being an addicts mother. We are there for support, also have silly moments, share pictures. Zach is sober today so I have decided to accepted that one day at a time. I get it!!! He is not doing this to hurt me... He is truly unhappy being an addict. I just wanted to say hi. I have missed y'all. In fact, Zachs addiction has also made me realize that I'm going through a personal journey--with GOD!!!. I do a lot of praying and feel so close to God. In fact, praying to see if its his will for me to open a Sober Living. Actually, there is another person that may do it with me. We are doing alot of research and we want it to be different than the normal SL.
I pray for everyone on here every day. Work has been crazy ......!!!!!But I miss y'all and will try to do better with posting.
Love and Hugs
Paula
I haven't been on here in awhile. Lori, I really do pray your son gets it together. You have gotten so much stronger than the beginning when we first started to talking. Im so proud of you. I still come on here and read a lot, go to my Alanon meetings and also have a little group I started (MRS-Mother Rollercoaster Survivors). There is more to our lives than being an addicts mother. We are there for support, also have silly moments, share pictures. Zach is sober today so I have decided to accepted that one day at a time. I get it!!! He is not doing this to hurt me... He is truly unhappy being an addict. I just wanted to say hi. I have missed y'all. In fact, Zachs addiction has also made me realize that I'm going through a personal journey--with GOD!!!. I do a lot of praying and feel so close to God. In fact, praying to see if its his will for me to open a Sober Living. Actually, there is another person that may do it with me. We are doing alot of research and we want it to be different than the normal SL.
I pray for everyone on here every day. Work has been crazy ......!!!!!But I miss y'all and will try to do better with posting.
Love and Hugs
Paula
