Hi-
Day 4 and I'm coping. I have a 'fuzzy' brain today and a runny nose and my legs....well I already posted about the twitches!! ARGH!!
I sat down with my husband this AM at 6 and told him THE WHOLE story! WHEW..... Whoa. Well he was mad at first, then felt betrayed and then felt terrible that I didn't tell him and ask for help and then blamed himself a bit as he said he had clues here and there that maybe opiates were an 'issue' for me(HA!) Then he said he would move the earth to help. I felt like such a jerk. He is supposed to be my 'best friend'. Some friend I turned out to be.
But more good news. I confronted my Internist and told him the whole story. I felt awful because I have betrayed his trust as well and used him. He couldn't have been more supportive(of course the insecure side of me feels like I deserve NONE of this!) He felt terrible as he felt he should have caught the 'signs'. I'm certainly not proud of this, I guess I was a good liar.(Great mom huh?) After a long talk with him, he put me in touch with a local psychiatrist who will get me on some withdrawal med's at 8 AM in the morning....*sigh* Then she will monitor my 7 year Zoloft intake as well as the drugs she will give me to get through this self-induced he** I have put myself into! I eventually want off of the Zoloft. It's been 7 years and my brain feels "fuzzy" from being on it for so long. I mean, shouldn't there be a "death-date" to these SSRI's eventually? Then I got in touch with an addiction therapist 2 towns over and I see her 2 times a week starting thursday. She specializes in addiction and anxiety/depression issues. Perfect!! I would be all of the above!
So, if I could only sleep, I know I could cope a little bit better. Hopefully the jumpy leg issue will subside? Maybe a clear conscience will help? Thi sis the first time in almost 20 years on and off that I am not hiding this ugly monster anymore. Wow and it looked so much bigger when I was keeping it inside. Anyhow, I will keep all of you in myheart and prayers. God bless each and every one of you. Hang on!
JDM
WOW! Congratulations on taking all the steps to get clean!!!
I've been on Paxil for 10 years and also would love to get off, I just don't think doing it at the same time as coming off barbiturates would be a good idea...
Your husband sounds great, very supportive, I'll bet you're glad you worked up the nerve to spill it all!
Great job, keep us posted!!!
I've been on Paxil for 10 years and also would love to get off, I just don't think doing it at the same time as coming off barbiturates would be a good idea...
Your husband sounds great, very supportive, I'll bet you're glad you worked up the nerve to spill it all!
Great job, keep us posted!!!
Thanks Besty,
No I agree, I definitely will not be tackling getting off of Zoloft along with the opiate withdrawl! (I am a glutton for punishment, but even that's getting kind of old!)
(Ha!)
Thanks and take care too!
JDM
No I agree, I definitely will not be tackling getting off of Zoloft along with the opiate withdrawl! (I am a glutton for punishment, but even that's getting kind of old!)
(Ha!)
Thanks and take care too!
JDM
JDM,
I am so happy for you that you now have a plan and support system in place. You will beat this. You are better than this. You are a great mom. If you weren't then you wouldn't care about getting clean for yourself and your family. You will be an inspiration to your kids; showing them that it is possible to overcome! I will pray for you, JDM! I know you're getting better. This physical crap will go away soon. Be tough-stay tough.
Love,
Julz
I am so happy for you that you now have a plan and support system in place. You will beat this. You are better than this. You are a great mom. If you weren't then you wouldn't care about getting clean for yourself and your family. You will be an inspiration to your kids; showing them that it is possible to overcome! I will pray for you, JDM! I know you're getting better. This physical crap will go away soon. Be tough-stay tough.
Love,
Julz
JDM,
You should be so proud of yourself. I can completely identify with getting things out in the open. I also told my fiancee and doctor and you are right, it is much better out in plain sight. It feels good to be honest and it is a wonderful sense of victory after so many years of being dishonest with loved ones. Keep it up.
You should be so proud of yourself. I can completely identify with getting things out in the open. I also told my fiancee and doctor and you are right, it is much better out in plain sight. It feels good to be honest and it is a wonderful sense of victory after so many years of being dishonest with loved ones. Keep it up.
Atleast ya'lls family supports your recovery. All I hear is No! Bad idea to taper! Eat pills! You need them! blah blah blah. *shoots them the bird*
If living with a pinger is all that hard, I will sure help them pack but I'll be damn if I'm going to walk around as a pill head for another day.
If living with a pinger is all that hard, I will sure help them pack but I'll be damn if I'm going to walk around as a pill head for another day.
For Kaela:
My heart goes out to you. I cannot for one minute imagine anyone telling you to keep doing something that is obviously hurting you. I wish you peace. And just for the record. If my father or my two older brothers ever found out about this,(I have been estranged from them for years-Long before this addiction monster grabbed a firm grip!) they would sneer and tell me to,
"Buck it up and GROW UP!!"
So believe me, I feel for you....boy do I ever feel for you.
{{{{{{{{Hugs for you too}}}}}}}}}}
JDM
My heart goes out to you. I cannot for one minute imagine anyone telling you to keep doing something that is obviously hurting you. I wish you peace. And just for the record. If my father or my two older brothers ever found out about this,(I have been estranged from them for years-Long before this addiction monster grabbed a firm grip!) they would sneer and tell me to,
"Buck it up and GROW UP!!"
So believe me, I feel for you....boy do I ever feel for you.
{{{{{{{{Hugs for you too}}}}}}}}}}
JDM
Thanks. It sure doesn't make it easy to stop when people encourage usage EVERYDAY. Not to mention I am recovering at home without the help of a Dr. I tell them to stop doing it because I am getting off of benzos regardless of the fact I ping all the time. My husband has even said he hopes it doesn't end us in divorce. I am using th Ashton plan which in short, consists of a slow taper taking your meds at a certain time... certain amount. The amount is lowered as time goes on. If you take more or take at a different time, gigs up... you have cheated. Tapering is hard because your pills are right there. Thank God I am such a b**** that I can look at the little devils all day long and not allow them to win. I love the taste of victory and to defeat the devil makes me feel powerful. I just thought about something... and this is a crazy thought but OH MY GOD! What if my family is giving me an extra dose here and there in something I eat or drink. Ew, I am not a paronoid person, where did this thought come from? I don't know but I wouldn't put it past any of them. Iiiiieeee maybe that is why the Ashton Manual is seemingly so easy for me. Maybe that is why I have been so successful with it and can't wait to go even lower in my dosage. Ha! If I wasn't crazy before benzos looks like I am now hehe. Or am I on to something hrmmm.
Congrat to you JD.... you are definately on the road... your hubby issues are valid but his own... he had to deal with them and though to some degree he had to to this on his own you can both do some of this as a unit in time..... your counselors can help with this when the time is right... but first and foremost your recovery must come first... He needs educated on addiction as a disease not a thing of will power.. and so do you...
You are definately on the right track.. and having it out in the open will help you not only now with support in the short term but in the long run when those old craving start up and your hubby can help you stay on the right path instead of enabling you either by accident or on purpose..
I would start looking into NA as soon as possible but that is just an option at this point...
Again congrats on coming out of the closet so to speak .. I know you must feel soo much better on some level... please learn to hold your head up.. this is life.. and you will come out of it a better mom and a better stronger person .. this I promise...
Teresa
You are definately on the right track.. and having it out in the open will help you not only now with support in the short term but in the long run when those old craving start up and your hubby can help you stay on the right path instead of enabling you either by accident or on purpose..
I would start looking into NA as soon as possible but that is just an option at this point...
Again congrats on coming out of the closet so to speak .. I know you must feel soo much better on some level... please learn to hold your head up.. this is life.. and you will come out of it a better mom and a better stronger person .. this I promise...
Teresa
JDM, you wrote.......
Wow and it looked so much bigger when I was keeping it inside.
Isn't it true? When you are honest and lay it all out on the table, I doesn't seem as unbeatable as you thought, huh?
You are making some major progress with getting a grip on the beast! Keep it up! Good luck!
JDM
Congrats!!! Your story is a mirror of mine... I am so proud of you! Keep talking and posting here, and you will find a lot of support, trust me! I kept the beast a secret from my husband as well, and when I told him, he is and has been so supportive. You will get the most support from him! He needs to share in this journey with you! Keep us posted, and your on the right track! Way to gooooooo :) Bee
Congrats!!! Your story is a mirror of mine... I am so proud of you! Keep talking and posting here, and you will find a lot of support, trust me! I kept the beast a secret from my husband as well, and when I told him, he is and has been so supportive. You will get the most support from him! He needs to share in this journey with you! Keep us posted, and your on the right track! Way to gooooooo :) Bee
Hi JDM,
I wanted to put some of my thoughts down on this, from the other side of things. I am so glad that you are out of the closet......It is nice to have the person that is usually your best friend supporting you no matter what we are facing. It is a shame that not all who deal with this have that support.
Teresa said something important.....That you each have to work on your side of things.......The most important thing is letting go.....You must let go of the guilt and shame you may have....He must let go of any anger he may feel. Anger has no place in this......Once you both can let go of whatever issues may be haunting you and start anew you will find that things work much smoother. This fight can be won as a unit as long as each side has the right coping tools. Some days will be better than others but in the end it will all be worth it and your relationship should become stronger......
I wish you both nothing but the best......You stay strong and keep on fighting no matter what happens, you are worth all this life has to offer.......
Love,
Tina
I wanted to put some of my thoughts down on this, from the other side of things. I am so glad that you are out of the closet......It is nice to have the person that is usually your best friend supporting you no matter what we are facing. It is a shame that not all who deal with this have that support.
Teresa said something important.....That you each have to work on your side of things.......The most important thing is letting go.....You must let go of the guilt and shame you may have....He must let go of any anger he may feel. Anger has no place in this......Once you both can let go of whatever issues may be haunting you and start anew you will find that things work much smoother. This fight can be won as a unit as long as each side has the right coping tools. Some days will be better than others but in the end it will all be worth it and your relationship should become stronger......
I wish you both nothing but the best......You stay strong and keep on fighting no matter what happens, you are worth all this life has to offer.......
Love,
Tina
My doctor just put me on Zoloft Tuesday. Of course I am still sad sometimes, he said it would take a week before that subsides..but he also said it is non addictive? Kim