Hey Jen1811 & anyone else who would like a glimpse into the life, emotions, pain and guilt of an addict, just a smidgen of my life story. Bit long but worth it I promise. We may not know exactly how our addictions affect our loved ones Jen1811, but believe me, we think about them & feel guilt every day for putting them through our pain. I understand where you are coming from, please try and understand where I/We are coming from
Thanks for taking the time to read, sharing my deepest emotions with you all is a bit scary, but I'm hoping some good will come from it. God Bless
I am writing an autobiography - ****Know Me Before You Judge Me**** and the following is some of my writings that will be published in this book:
** From the INTRODUCTION
ADDICTION IS A DISEASE, yes we asked for it, but at the time we didnt know what we were asking for.
** MARCH 1996 Before my addictions, about my experience with antidepressants:
They said theyre not addictive
Youll be fine when they are through
Things will be as youve never imagined.
And things were
But now theyre through
My head is spinning and my eyes are blurred
Tears start falling, slowly at first,
Then more and more
Cascading like a huge waterfall down my face.
I sob louder and louder
Needing someone to hold me
Its not over
Its never over.
This is me, now and forever.
Drugs are only a temporary high
To shut off for awhile
A never ending low
I need something to take away my pain
In my head and in my heart I dont know which is worse.
They said theyre not addictive
And youll be fine when they are through
But things are as Ive always imagined
** MAY 2000 The guilt of causing my mums pain.
(John)If you dont meet me at your place right now with the money Im gonna tell your mum youre a heroin addict.
My heart skipped a beat. Evilness and brains are a lethal combination. He managed to threaten me with one thing left in my life that was important to me - Protecting my mum from my sins. She stressed and worried and hurt so much just over me smoking cigarettes that I knew I had to do everything in my power to hide this addiction from her. Shes helped me so much and she doesnt deserve any more hurt and I dont think she is strong enough to cope with something like this either. It would break her. I would have broken her. My one true thing.
*missing bit*
Mum came home about an hour after me and said (John) was putting my keys in the letter box as she drove in. She said she asked him why he had them and he said that I was suicidal and hed taken them off me because he didnt feel me safe to drive.
I was like That lying piece of s***, it wasnt like that at all.
Mum said well what was it like?
But I couldnt tell her because then she would know all the things I have been trying to protect her from. She turns and walks out the room.
A few minutes later she walks back in with my brother (James) and they confront me. Come on (nzchick), whats really going on? I just shrug.
We know (nzchick) she says.
Know what? I reply.
She looks at me with the saddest face I have ever seen on her and with tears in her eyes About the drugs. About the heroin.
Something inside me just drops as the unspeakable comes out her mouth and I realize that I am the cause of her sorrow, and that I cant lie to her or protect her from my reality anymore. She knows and there is no changing that. Her whole world has just been turned upside down and things for her will never be the same again. The pain etched across her face is one I know to deep to ever erase.
At least we know now why youve been acting how you have since you came home from America. Knowing is actually a relief in many ways (nzchick) because I have been so worried about you, and I had no idea why you were hurting like you were, so had no idea what I could do to help you
She may feel some relief in her newfound knowledge now, but I know as she learns more she will wish she had never learned the truth, and the comfort of knowledge will not seem so relieving.
How do you know? I question looking down so I dont have to see her pain and feel such guilt.
(John) called me at work and he, James and I had a meeting this morning
Im so angry That f***ing wanker, how dare he! I yell.
Its okay mum replies, hes just worried about you like we are.
Hes fooled her too. I cant believe it. He had already told her everything when he was threatening me with telling her this afternoon.
She wants me to tell her my side, so I spend the next hour crying and giving her the briefest run down on the last few years that I can. Mum cried a lot too and told me that I had broken her heart and that she would never be the same again. To be told that by your mum and know it to be true is one of the saddest feelings I have ever felt. I am the scum of the earth. To a mum who has given her all into raising me I have repaid with sadness and worry and distrust.
Mum asked me if he was a drug dealer cause his phone rang so many times during their meeting. I told her everything about him, all the evilness that I have seen so she realizes what he is capable of. I thought this would somehow protect her from any future manipulation by him, but I think all I have done is install the same gut wrenching fear of him that I have, so now she has my fears on her shoulders as well as my addiction and lies.
****see next post*****
nzchick
continued........
** DECEMBER 2002 Momentary Lapse of Clarity
.
Im rationalizing everything I do.
Then turning it. and admitting Im a complete f*** up!
I know I do bad stuff.
And Im so selfish.
But I also know (maybe think, because I am now doubting), that
I am a good person.
I never intentionally hurt people.
I would never.
But I hurt lots of people through my own selfishness and by not thinking of consequences.
My friend (Gavin) died two weeks ago.
Overdosed on GHB.
The same weekend my old flat mate; (Anita) overdosed on GHB and was in a coma for a few days.
Reality Check?
No.
Ive been wasted on P (crystal meth) and GHB all weekend.
What if it was me?
I dont care so much for my own life, but I love my mum more then life itself and I dont want to hurt her.
Ive hurt her so much already with all my drug taking.
But I rationalize that it has nothing to do with her.
Its my choice.
Its my brain Im frying.
My body Im polluting.
My life Im destroying.
I would never do this to her brain, body, life.
But my life should mean that much.
I want it to mean that much.
But its not worth that much.
My reasons for wanting to be good and do good in this world have always been for the benefit of someone else.
So mum will be proud.
So that my boyfriend, husband, friends will like me.
(Not just love me because you can love someone even when you dont like them)
And my big dream in life has always been to have kids.
Then I would be good to my brain, body, life; because I would have something more to live for.
Loving myself, to live for me has never been enough for me.
Im not that important.
But God is and Ive shut him out for so long.
-Lord, I dont even know how to communicate with you anymore.
Ive lost all of who I once was in this haze of a party.
I have an excuse for everything.
I tell myself Im a good person.
And by my low standards I am.
But by your standards Lord, Im a disappointment
And I know there is still time for me to better.
Time for your forgiveness.
Time to put my life completely in your hands.
And I rationalize procrastinating that decision with the fact that there will always be tomorrow.
But what if my procrastinating lasts for years?
If I died would I go to heaven just for believing in you, when my selfishness would not have me follow you?
Its not fair to deny you my life on earth yet expect to have it in heaven.
I know this.
But again I rationalize that I do love you and my hearts in the right place.
But if I loved you wouldnt I follow you?
You ask me the same question and Ive been pretending not to hear.
But I know Im not worthy.
I guess I was relying on you not knowing.
But how did I convince myself of that when you know everything?
I can only conclude its because I know nothing.
I just lit another cigarette.
Do I need it? No.
Do I crave it? Yes.
But lighting it while writing this just makes me a hypocrite.
My body is a temple of your holy spirit yet I treat it like a trash dump.
Filling it with pollutants.
I know though as soon as I take the drugs I wont be thinking that.
As soon as I take them there are no real consequences.
Theres just a happy, fun (nzchick).
The (nzchick) I love so much and dont want to lose.
And the (nzchick) I hate so much I want to destroy.
I dont want to give up drugs.
I love drugs.
They are my life.
I love them so much.
More then you at the moment.
My heart wants to love you more then anything.
Oh Lord I so want to love you more then anything.
I know these drugs will be the destruction of me.
And I know you are my salvation.
I want to feel the peace that only comes from being a child of God.
But (So many buts, I hate who I am)
But I cant imagine life without drugs.
They are my life.
My life has revolved around them for so long.
Its all I know.
And all I remember.
They give me peace and they make me happy.
They have controlled my life for so long and I hate not having that control of my life.
But honestly God, I have none.
No control.
I feel like a puppet sometimes the urge is so strong that I dont have a choice.
I hear you say I do, and realistically I do.
Its just another excuse, which Im so good at.
But honestly God, the urge feels that strong.
It overpowered me a long time ago and I let it.
I let go of myself peacefully and sunk willingly into this oblivion where nothing matters and no one matters.
Lord here I am,
Fighting my willfulness and selfishness.
To ask you a prayer that I need to ask for.
Not just what I want to ask for.
Lord Jesus,
Thank you for dying on the cross for my selfishness and all the bad and horrible things I have done.
Your love must be so all consuming and pure.
I dont deserve it but you gave it anyway.
And I ask of you,
Please, please,
Give me copious amount of strength and courage and love.
Lead me out of this mess that I so easily led myself into.
Even as I write this I think this is a momentary lapse of clarity.
That will be gone tomorrow.
And I will be blissfully lost again with no prayers for help out.
So please, please,
Take this prayer.
This one lonely prayer.
I dont know if I will have the strength and courage to ask again tomorrow.
Its pulling me back already and I dont want to fight it anymore.
The excuses are already starting in my mind.
And Im so ashamed to admit this to you Lord,
But I am already weakening.
Even welcoming my deceptive excuses.
Clinging tightly to this world I live in.
nzchick
** DECEMBER 2002 Momentary Lapse of Clarity
.
Im rationalizing everything I do.
Then turning it. and admitting Im a complete f*** up!
I know I do bad stuff.
And Im so selfish.
But I also know (maybe think, because I am now doubting), that
I am a good person.
I never intentionally hurt people.
I would never.
But I hurt lots of people through my own selfishness and by not thinking of consequences.
My friend (Gavin) died two weeks ago.
Overdosed on GHB.
The same weekend my old flat mate; (Anita) overdosed on GHB and was in a coma for a few days.
Reality Check?
No.
Ive been wasted on P (crystal meth) and GHB all weekend.
What if it was me?
I dont care so much for my own life, but I love my mum more then life itself and I dont want to hurt her.
Ive hurt her so much already with all my drug taking.
But I rationalize that it has nothing to do with her.
Its my choice.
Its my brain Im frying.
My body Im polluting.
My life Im destroying.
I would never do this to her brain, body, life.
But my life should mean that much.
I want it to mean that much.
But its not worth that much.
My reasons for wanting to be good and do good in this world have always been for the benefit of someone else.
So mum will be proud.
So that my boyfriend, husband, friends will like me.
(Not just love me because you can love someone even when you dont like them)
And my big dream in life has always been to have kids.
Then I would be good to my brain, body, life; because I would have something more to live for.
Loving myself, to live for me has never been enough for me.
Im not that important.
But God is and Ive shut him out for so long.
-Lord, I dont even know how to communicate with you anymore.
Ive lost all of who I once was in this haze of a party.
I have an excuse for everything.
I tell myself Im a good person.
And by my low standards I am.
But by your standards Lord, Im a disappointment
And I know there is still time for me to better.
Time for your forgiveness.
Time to put my life completely in your hands.
And I rationalize procrastinating that decision with the fact that there will always be tomorrow.
But what if my procrastinating lasts for years?
If I died would I go to heaven just for believing in you, when my selfishness would not have me follow you?
Its not fair to deny you my life on earth yet expect to have it in heaven.
I know this.
But again I rationalize that I do love you and my hearts in the right place.
But if I loved you wouldnt I follow you?
You ask me the same question and Ive been pretending not to hear.
But I know Im not worthy.
I guess I was relying on you not knowing.
But how did I convince myself of that when you know everything?
I can only conclude its because I know nothing.
I just lit another cigarette.
Do I need it? No.
Do I crave it? Yes.
But lighting it while writing this just makes me a hypocrite.
My body is a temple of your holy spirit yet I treat it like a trash dump.
Filling it with pollutants.
I know though as soon as I take the drugs I wont be thinking that.
As soon as I take them there are no real consequences.
Theres just a happy, fun (nzchick).
The (nzchick) I love so much and dont want to lose.
And the (nzchick) I hate so much I want to destroy.
I dont want to give up drugs.
I love drugs.
They are my life.
I love them so much.
More then you at the moment.
My heart wants to love you more then anything.
Oh Lord I so want to love you more then anything.
I know these drugs will be the destruction of me.
And I know you are my salvation.
I want to feel the peace that only comes from being a child of God.
But (So many buts, I hate who I am)
But I cant imagine life without drugs.
They are my life.
My life has revolved around them for so long.
Its all I know.
And all I remember.
They give me peace and they make me happy.
They have controlled my life for so long and I hate not having that control of my life.
But honestly God, I have none.
No control.
I feel like a puppet sometimes the urge is so strong that I dont have a choice.
I hear you say I do, and realistically I do.
Its just another excuse, which Im so good at.
But honestly God, the urge feels that strong.
It overpowered me a long time ago and I let it.
I let go of myself peacefully and sunk willingly into this oblivion where nothing matters and no one matters.
Lord here I am,
Fighting my willfulness and selfishness.
To ask you a prayer that I need to ask for.
Not just what I want to ask for.
Lord Jesus,
Thank you for dying on the cross for my selfishness and all the bad and horrible things I have done.
Your love must be so all consuming and pure.
I dont deserve it but you gave it anyway.
And I ask of you,
Please, please,
Give me copious amount of strength and courage and love.
Lead me out of this mess that I so easily led myself into.
Even as I write this I think this is a momentary lapse of clarity.
That will be gone tomorrow.
And I will be blissfully lost again with no prayers for help out.
So please, please,
Take this prayer.
This one lonely prayer.
I dont know if I will have the strength and courage to ask again tomorrow.
Its pulling me back already and I dont want to fight it anymore.
The excuses are already starting in my mind.
And Im so ashamed to admit this to you Lord,
But I am already weakening.
Even welcoming my deceptive excuses.
Clinging tightly to this world I live in.
nzchick
Dear Charmed 1
I don't know quite what to say but i feel i have to say something as you have bared your soul here and allowed us to see how terribly you are wrestling with the power of your personal moral and ethical convictions as opposed to the overwhelming powerlessness you experience while struggling with your active addiction...
Which will win out ? Of course my Dear Charmed 1 that is up to you and you do possess the power to go either way and i think you are more apt to judge yourself than those of us you deem will.....and i can't help but think that the judgement of thyself is harsher than how the rest of the world perceives thee to be....and therein lies the problem....and perpetuates the addiction...
Perhaps you should really get to know YOU first before you beat yourself up because of what you have done through and by addiction ...
Addiction distorts our true selves and it also prevents us from really taking a good honest look at ourselves and when you look in the mirror of addiction then all that is reflected back is the guilt the shame the monster we judge ourselves to be....and so we do more drugs....drink more alcohol to further distance ourselves from that monster in addiction's mirror...
There is hope for you my Dear Charmed 1 as i see by the wealth of honesty and remorse that you exhibit in your self disclosures...there we have a glimpse of the real you....not the addict ....and i like her and i want to know her more....and her time will come... and the world we be waiting..
Until then.....a big hug for you as well
luv MARY
I don't know quite what to say but i feel i have to say something as you have bared your soul here and allowed us to see how terribly you are wrestling with the power of your personal moral and ethical convictions as opposed to the overwhelming powerlessness you experience while struggling with your active addiction...
Which will win out ? Of course my Dear Charmed 1 that is up to you and you do possess the power to go either way and i think you are more apt to judge yourself than those of us you deem will.....and i can't help but think that the judgement of thyself is harsher than how the rest of the world perceives thee to be....and therein lies the problem....and perpetuates the addiction...
Perhaps you should really get to know YOU first before you beat yourself up because of what you have done through and by addiction ...
Addiction distorts our true selves and it also prevents us from really taking a good honest look at ourselves and when you look in the mirror of addiction then all that is reflected back is the guilt the shame the monster we judge ourselves to be....and so we do more drugs....drink more alcohol to further distance ourselves from that monster in addiction's mirror...
There is hope for you my Dear Charmed 1 as i see by the wealth of honesty and remorse that you exhibit in your self disclosures...there we have a glimpse of the real you....not the addict ....and i like her and i want to know her more....and her time will come... and the world we be waiting..
Until then.....a big hug for you as well
luv MARY
