hi sweetheart!
i just got around to reading some posts from dec 26, yours the one heres a Christmas angel for you ladies......
on that post you talk about your dad and your depression and i want to offer you some advice to hopefully lift your depression and brighten up a person who already is as bright as Gods light even thru being depressed.
depression is AWFUL to go thru, i suffered 20 yrs before i did anything about it because of embarrassment, my family teased me as a child because i had anxiety, panic attacks and depression, my dad always called me a neurotic, i certainly didnt know anything about panic/anxiety disorder then. and if he could only know the deep seeded damage he caused me to suffer by embarassing me instead of trying to offer some love and help.
i know that after researching my family tree on my own and in rehab there is ALOT of depression, anxiety panic attacks etc.,especially on my maternal side. i saved my grandma's letters. she was always fearful, checking doors to see if they were locked, worried about being a passenger in the car (exactly what I have) and she would write me and say julie i feel so "blue" today, she always referred to it as feeling blue and poor grandma back in those days they didnt have anti depressants or the education we have today on these disorders
so right there i know for a fact alot of my problems are genetic.
as far as my dad is concerned i dont know much about his past as it has always been kept a secret, why would he molest his daughters is beyond my comprehension.
i have done so much homework to find an answer, my mom told me he was taken away from his mother during the depression because of her promiscuity, something about her running a boarding house and taking care of the boarders, if you know what i mean. i feel bad talking about her like this but i need to know....i never met her, she died 2 mos after my birth, but i am comforted to know she held me as an infant. i know my paternal grandfather whom i never met either nor did he ever get to see me died in jail from tb, he was in jail for writing bad checks. whether or not this is true i will never know but this is the little info i have gathered thru out the years by asking cousins, aunts etc.
when my dad and my aunt were taken away from their mother they were put into an orphanage, my dad will not talk about it all, not even to my mom, but one thing he did say was that the orphans were made to attend funerals of i dont know who but i do know to this day my dad has an EXTREME fear of attending funerals, if he absolutely has to attend one, he can never fall asleep that night and at times he would get up out of bed and go for a drive, i would ask my mom what is wrong with dad and she would just say funerals upset him.
mom also told me that my father would get reprimanded for lying on the floor as a young child looking up womens dresses and dad always said he liked the feeling of their soft furry coats. he had anxiety so bad that when he would come home from work, he would be upset from job problems and people at work, we would be eating dinner and dad would have these "choking episodes" we were always instructed to stop talking when these would occur and sometimes they would get so bad he would have to leave the table and lie on the floor for the food to pass that was stuck in his esophagus. i remember being so scared for him, but now i know what they were he would be so upset while eating dinner that the anxiety would cause his esophagus to tighten up and food would get caught.
so i cant understand why my family would insult me about anxiety when they themselves had it.
so to get to my point i finally did something about my problem, the first psychiatric appt i had was as a very young teenager, i went alone didnt have any idea what to tell the doctor because i felt i was insane or not normal so out of my once again embarrassment i couldnt even answer any of his questions and i left and never returned again.
i suffered for many more years to come, my problems started to escalate, at that point in my life i was using drugs, abusing food for comfort, my caffiene and nicotine addiction started in full swing, i had obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, panic and anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder from the abortion and child molestation, had just married a porn addict/alcoholic who at that time i thought was the "perfect" man for me and i will change everything and we will live happily ever after. yeah right....
one day i remember being so distraught and trying desparately for my husband to understand my anguish thru literature etc i would always get this answer from him that would just kill me: "i never met anyone like you before with these problems so how can i understand?" oooh! i get so mad at that comment, he needs to take a good look at himself, but no, he's perfect theres nothing wrong with him.... his mother would say julie, so and so in our family had panic issues and all he or she did was got up one day and said i am not gonna take this anymore and from that moment was cured! yeah right again... no one understands panic attacks, but i am so glad that the education is finally getting out there as well as the awareness. i dont have to hide in a closet anymore nor be embarrassed to tell anyone any more.
in my desparation i approached my husband who was drunk (mistake, i know now)and i cried out to him PLEASE HELP ME! I I was having a panic attack and i had an article in my hand about it, please i beg of you read this and you will understand.... this was the comment that ended my love for him and changed my life forever... he said: I AM NOT INTERESTED!!!" I sat down in my recliner chair in the living room and cried hysterically to the Lord, PLEASE GOD HELP ME! and the Lord heard my plea and has walked along side of me all the way to where i am today, granted it did not happen over night and i still have a long journey ahead, but i had made soooo much progress and growth.
i can look back and see where and how the Holy Spirit put people, situations and experiences in my path and then there is satan always there lurking around trying to destroy me.
so i started al anon, co dependants anonymous, Narcotics anonymous, counseling at at womans shelter for victims of sexual assault, psychiatry, psychology, medications and 2 rehabs and faith.
what i want to tell you about depression thumper that has helped me, is an anti depressant, oh what a change the week i started paxil, sometimes certain people just dont have the right serotonin levels in their brain and that needs to be balanced, paxil does that, it is a ssri a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor
i have tried twice to change my anti depressants, what a mistake that was, i tried wellbutrin(zban) to try to quit smoking, it took a few months for me to slowly fall back into a deep depression, i couldnt figure out what was wrong with me cause i knew i was on an anti depressant (wellbutrin) but i was so depressed, it got so bad that i couldnt get out of bed that day, the dog had messed on the floor next to the bed and i didnt have the energy to clean it up! my son came home from school around 3 pm and he was like MOM you call the doctor RIGHT NOW! thankfully i figured out that one was cause i started back on paxil and was back to my normal self again (whew! i get so scared when i relive that day and how dark i felt) i recall not wanting to live anymore and was thinking of ways to commit suicide, although i know i never would do it, the thoughts were entering in my mind. (satan, once again)
then i tried lexapro last july in rehab because there is one bad side effect from paxil for me and i have learned to accept it, anything to not be depressed and that is it affects my ability to have any sexual release if you know what i mean.
i was fogged up mentally in rehab and jumped off paxil too fast and those repercussions from that were UNBELIEVABLE! beleive it when they say never go off an anti depressant cold turkey or too fast cuz its true, i lived it and i almost had a car accident and could have killed myself for the awful magnified panic attack that occurred that night in the car. once again back on paxil and doing well, so its either not be depressed or be satisfied sexually, i choose to be not depressed. maybe i will get the courage to try lexapro in the future and wean off paxil as directed, but not today.
i also do counseling and i think you are on the right track for that, so try an anti depressant and counseling and for me i have to have counseling in order for it to be prescribed.
also one more thing, i have S.A.D. seasonal affective disorder, where the days are shorter and we are in darkness more than in summer and that affects mood, think about how happy you feel on a sunny beach or summer days, then the winter blahs come, cabin fever... there is a lamp i ordered from northern lights and it produces the same feeling as summer brightness does, the light enters your eye( you dont look into it directly) it stimulates the pineal gland and that helps so much with seasonal depression.
i have to go get my nails done (Yeah!) so gotta go but as far as your dad is concerned, it sounds like he is a very strict man from the old school of thinking, am i right? that is wrong on his part to be that cruel to punish you for mistakes like one poster said, he probably did the same mistakes too. you are not a bad person thumper for smoking weed etc?????? that is wrong on his part and hopefully he can get over the chip on his shoulder he is carrying, life is too short and he should be so proud of the wonderful daughter he has, you should print out some of the wonderful responses you have gotton from people and show it to him. you are a christian, always positive, always there to help others and brighten their day with your cute pictures and messages you send.
thank you jewels................
Bless your heart...................
love you.....
thumper
Bless your heart...................
love you.....
thumper
