Found this, know it's an oldie but a harsh reminder for anyone thinking of relapsing!
A Day in the life of a dope sick junkie.
8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Not too bad, but I feel it coming on. Better catch this early. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today. Hmm, gotta be at work in an hour and a half. Think faster. More panic.
Ok, i'll call the man, I've gave him all my rent money last week, I should be good for some credit. Pick up the phone and call, no answer.
I'll call another connect, but little chance of credit and he sells garbage half the time. Again, no answer. Call my original connect again. No answer. Panic. Fear. Panic.
My nose starts to run. Sweating a little bit.
I'll sit and watch TV, kill some time....nothing of interest and the reception sucks. It was nice when I had cable. When I could afford such things. I find a show...I stare at it for a couple minutes. It doesn't hold my interest, nothing can hold my interest. I call again,
no answer.
9am
Still no answers, I've called several connections by now I got an answer from one, but as soon as I mention credit the conversation is over. TV still sucks....I would watch a Video, but I pawned the VCR and my movies a couple weeks ago. Panic. Fear. Anxiety creeps in. Sweating more, more snot, can't sit still for this. Ok what now? I have some filters I can beat.
Get my works, pull out several filters, hmm are these good for anything? I've already beat them twice. Desperation. I'll do it again.
Call one more time...no answer
10am
Beat the filters, I clean my cooker with the plunger of my rig. I need to hurry. I have to get to work. I draw up the solution I've created. Any dope in there? Doesn't look promising. Looks like dirty water. Dare I shoot this into my veins? Of course I will, have I ever not? Run the risk of cotton fever? Doesn't matter, I'm getting sicker by the minute. The rig is old, dull, numbers worn off. I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. I'm a literal bloody mess. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. Do I feel anything? No...i've just flushed a rig full of dirty water into my arm. Where's the phone? Better call work, tell them I'll be late.
I call them, make up a story...tell them I'm not sure when I'll be in.
Try to call the connect again....no answer.
11am
Snot running, cold sweats panic and fear.
Call the connect....he answers...thank god...I hope.
Hello?
yeah, you holding?
sure
Ok heres the deal, I don't have any cash right now but...
Sorry, can't do it
Oh c'mon, I've always been a good customer, give me a break
Not in a position to do that right now...sorry
please?
Sorry
I'll have cash by this afternoon(I lie)
Goodbye....
but...
*click*
I call back, he knows it's me....doesn't answer.
Doesn't he care about a miserable dope sick junkie with no money?
no he doesn't
Ok, I've got to come up with some cash. Look around the house....
stereo...gone. CD's....gone. guitar....gone. This list goes on. I've pawned just about everything. I have a TV....it's old...the pawnshop won't even look at it. I've tried. Sick....
sick.sick. sick.
Ok, now what do I do? Who will give me 10 bucks? Parents? no...Sister?no...There has to be someone I haven't burned yet. Panic, fear. Sick.
Noon
I get an idea, I'll steal something and pawn it. From who?
well, I know how to get into my parents house. They have stuff they won't even notice missing. And I'll pawn it, and get it out later.
no you won't
yes I will
no you won't
yes I will
SHUT UP...YOU'RE SICK AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW!!! YOU NEED TO GET WELL and FAST!
Of course you're right.
I get in my car. The gas guage reads EMPTY. Don't care...it'll get me there...then to the pawn shop...then to score.....i hope.
I'm at my parents house....I go into a closet where they keep things they rarely use.
I find a couple items of interest. An old video camera, a 22 rifle and a crock pot.
To the pawnshop....I set the stolen Items of the counter.
Video cameras too old...won't take it.
They laugh at the crock pot....what the hell are you thinking?
I shrug (I'm sick---don't you know a sick junky when you see one?)
The 22 rifle...it's old, worth 15 bucks. I take the money....
Leave the pawnshop....find a payphone...call the dealer.
No answer....
I'll go across town and score on the street.
Sick,panic,fear anxiety....
I stop...put one dollar worth of gas in my car...get a pack of cheap smokes.
The sick is hitting harder.
2pm
I start my drive accross town. I have the money in my hand...the sick builds...anxiety....anticipation...sick....
my stomache turns...I have to pull over...
Up it comes....I empty the contents of my stomache...bile and snot that's been running down the back of my throat. There hasn't been any food in there for a couple days.
I get back on the road...across town...
White boy driving around where I shouldn't be....don't care...sick
I look for someone holding....nobody...pay phone...
call my connect again....he answers...
Hey, you holding
yeah...what you want?
10 cents(I don't know why...but this means 10 dollars)
Well ok.... but I have something else I have to take care of first
But I need it now
You'll have to wait, I have other customers willing to spend more.
well...ok...where do I meet you?
Call back in 45 minutes.....
ok...i guess...
*click*
I drive around a little more...still can't find anybody...
Probably better....dealers on the street sometimes sell dirt or coffee grounds to desperate junkies.
Go home....wait...45 minutes...call connect...he answers
Hey
It'll be another 30 minutes....
no way
sorry
ok
I wait, anticipate, fight the sick...wait....
4pm
I call....he answers...
I'll be there in 10 minutes
ok
bye
*click*
10 minutes pass, 15, 20, 30,
I call again...he answers
I'll be right there
please hurry...
I said I'll be right there
*click*
And he knows I'll wait, I always do.
I sit...sick...but at least I know it's going to end shortly.
Only temporarily....but at least it will end.
He knocks at the door...
I give him my 10 bucks....he gives me what I live for...
No small talk, I don't care about him anymore and he doesn't care about me.
He leaves....
I get my works....cook up my shot....begin the process of finding a cooperative vein.
My hands are shaking
I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....more fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. I missed. I cry
I wait
I feel better,
not high, not euphoric
Just not sick ....for now....
5pm
I call work, I won't be in. They tell me this is starting to happen too often.
I tell them It won't happen again.
Yes it will....
I spend the rest of the day staring at crap on the TV.
Smoke cigarrettes.....call some junky friends...maybe they have a little something that they can share...
They don't
9pm
Go to bed, sleep a little, of and on...getting a little sick...somehow I get some sleep...not good sleep but some sleep.
Next Day
8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Yeah, pretty sick, I could only fix once yesterday. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today........
This is what I have to remind myself of. Is this what I want to go back to?
No...of course not
ahhh- but will I ?? - DON'T DO IT!
Author unknown
Linz x
I thought this was Jack's work...am I wrong?
Pass Mom, I've really no idea. A friend sent it to me a long while ago! It's great though, makes me shudder!
Linz x
Linz x
And it all comes back to me now.
Thanks Lovie. Needed that!
Thanks Lovie. Needed that!
