I've been much less active on the board these last few months. I do think about everyone often. I'm Still clean still breathing. I've been very emotionally confused recently. I'm sure my pregnancy has a lot to do with my feelings. My grandfather is 76 he's A kora war Veteran a para trooper. A father of four grandfather to 13 great grandfather to 8. He is dying of cancer in a hospis center. He has been married to my grandmother 47 years. I don't know how I feel about it. I mean it was not unexpected he is old. I feel real bad for everyone else involed I don't think I feel like i'm losing anything. My only thought is that he not suffer. I watched my friend Anne die so awfully slow with her cancer. She was in her 40's she looked 70 when she passed. She went choking on her own blood she fought for 2 years. She went while i was in methadone treatment. I did not feel her lose the way i thought i should. I knew her from when i was seven years old. I was glad for her to not be tourmented anymore. I thought the methadone made me not feel for her. I think fondly of her she was a great person. My grandfather is a very mean man. He is hateful and scary. He ran his house with a iron fist. He drank a lot and was emotionally dead. I don't remember many kind things he ever did. I have only saw him once in the last 8-9 days he was asleep and i looked at him for a min and left. The rest of the family is crying and keeping vigal at his side. I don't want any part of his dying. I don't feel the need to get in my last moments with him. I lived with him and my grandmother for years he was not a grandfather from a far we should have been close. Then i feel bad that i should be upset i should be there. All I have really wanted to do was get high i've been thinking about the needle every morning. I've been to so many funerals I wonder if i've been desensitized to death. I only feel for my grandmother i've cried for her loss of him not mine.
hey nice to see a post from you, apart from everything else is the pregnacy going well?
Think the situation you are in at the moment is difficult enough, but you have the added factor of being pregnant and so full of hormones! but you sound like you have got the situation sorted though...it's harsh that he is dying but why should you suddenly become close just beacuse he is on his death bed...be there for your granmother adn other family after. try to use whateve copying stratagies you have learnt for dealing with stressful situations, sorry to hear that you have using thoughts. but think of your beautiful baby and the good life that you have ahead of you.
stay strong x
Think the situation you are in at the moment is difficult enough, but you have the added factor of being pregnant and so full of hormones! but you sound like you have got the situation sorted though...it's harsh that he is dying but why should you suddenly become close just beacuse he is on his death bed...be there for your granmother adn other family after. try to use whateve copying stratagies you have learnt for dealing with stressful situations, sorry to hear that you have using thoughts. but think of your beautiful baby and the good life that you have ahead of you.
stay strong x
I shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to be close to him in the last stage of his life. And as for being de-sensitised to death, I think we are often programmed to be over-sensitised to death. We are all born and we all die, and we have no choice over either. So many people have their lives ruined by grief. If you can get on with your life then that will be better for you and your little one.
I hope your pregnancy is going well. If you're anything like me then you're an emotional wreck! I have my 20 week scan this week, on Thursday, so I may well get to know the sex. And I'll have piccies!!!
love
Diff xxx
I hope your pregnancy is going well. If you're anything like me then you're an emotional wreck! I have my 20 week scan this week, on Thursday, so I may well get to know the sex. And I'll have piccies!!!
love
Diff xxx
sashab, Thanks for the reply. I guess it dose make no sence that I should suddenly become close to him. Of course i'm not going to use, it is bugging me i'm thinking about it so much. The pregnancy is going great. I'll be 31 weeks wensday. I don't want to go to a funeral and get all upset when my baby's due in 9 weeks. Diff the 20 week scan is so EXCITING! we did get to tell my baby was a boy at my scan but, they can't always tell. The tec had just about gave up when she saw his stuff. He was playing with his foot it was amazing to watch. I'm so huge now i did not even start to show till 6 1/2 months but, now... You can see him lumped up on one side when he moves my whole belly moves. This is my bf's 1st baby he is going to get a vasectomy on thursday. He say's he's too old to have more he'll be 35 when the baby's a few months old. He wants to spend his old age traveling and that's cool with me. This will be my 3rd the other kids are almost 11 and 9 so this one will be my last to. I'm so tired of peeing 3 to 4 times a night i'll be so glad when that stops then i get to look foward to breast feeding every 3 to 4 hours whoo hooo. I told my bf i think nature makes you pee so much towards the end to get you ready for not sleeping at night.
9 weeks.....are you due practically on Xams day then?! A little christamas baby! how lovely
My boyfriend's sister was due for New Years Day, but due to complications the baby has already been born (now in an incubator) it's doing ok, but its a scary time. we are hoping she will be out for xmas.
have you thought of names and stuff? My grandad was born on christmas eve and so he was called christopher....as i write this i was thinking cos he is the saint of christmas..but isnt that Nicholas??a little confused now!! humm!
anyways keep us posted on how it is all going, hope everything goes smoothly for you in the next 2 months...be a bit selfish...do whatevers best for you! (same goes for you too Diff)
thinking of you x
My boyfriend's sister was due for New Years Day, but due to complications the baby has already been born (now in an incubator) it's doing ok, but its a scary time. we are hoping she will be out for xmas.
have you thought of names and stuff? My grandad was born on christmas eve and so he was called christopher....as i write this i was thinking cos he is the saint of christmas..but isnt that Nicholas??a little confused now!! humm!
anyways keep us posted on how it is all going, hope everything goes smoothly for you in the next 2 months...be a bit selfish...do whatevers best for you! (same goes for you too Diff)
thinking of you x
Hi Zerogirl, I'm feeling a little jealous that you'll be holding your baby in 9 weeks. I've got another 20 weeks to go and already I'm feeling that I've had enough of being pregnant, which is selfish, coz I've had a relatively easy pregnancy. I get annoyed when I can't reach my feet to do up my shoes, and I'm going to get much bigger than I am now. and last night I did the necessary but gutting task of putting away all my sexy clothes until I can wear them again. It was so horrible, looking at all the tiny slinky little numbers, thinking that it's going to be quite a while before I can fit into them again, and probably won't have too many occassions to wear them, even when I do get slim again. Like saying goodbye to my life as a party animal. But hello to my life as a mum. I wish I was having the baby next week! I'm going to take photos of my favourite party clothes and stick them to the fridge when the baby's born, so every time I feel like munching, I can look at the pictures and ask myself whether I want to eat that pie more than I want to get into that dress!
I can't believe I've got to go through another 20 weeks of getting bigger and bigger. I already have a hard time sleeping, coz I want to lie on my back, but that hurts, and lying on my side means I wake up every half hour with a stiff shoulder. And then there's the constant trips to the loo. But I love feeling the baby wriggling about in the evenings. So it's not all bad!
Take care kiddo!
love
Diff xxx
I can't believe I've got to go through another 20 weeks of getting bigger and bigger. I already have a hard time sleeping, coz I want to lie on my back, but that hurts, and lying on my side means I wake up every half hour with a stiff shoulder. And then there's the constant trips to the loo. But I love feeling the baby wriggling about in the evenings. So it's not all bad!
Take care kiddo!
love
Diff xxx
sashab The baby is due December 27th. My b-day is december 13th. My son was 4 weeks early my daughter 3 weeks early I don't think i'll get to christmas with this baby but, you never know. We are going to name him Robert after his dad. Sorry to hear about the baby in your family being born so EARLY! it's Great she is doing okay. I've been scared this whole pregnancy of going into labor to soon. Pre mature babies are so tiny and they have to fight so hard just to breath. It would break my heart to see my baby all hooked up to wires and machines. Diff i'm MORE then ready to be done with this pregnancy thing myself. I would never want him born too early I JUST WANT MY BODY BACK!. I can't sleep at all either. My hip or shoulder or both goes numb from laying on my side and heartburn keeps me up or peeing every 30 mins!. He gets real active as soon as i lay down. NOTHING I OWN fits right. I about cried yesterday i could not find a sweater that was not skin tight. I have gained a ton in the last 2 months i'm up 29 pounds SO FAR!. My doctor said he wanted me to gain 25 the whole pregnancy. He ask me yesterday if i was being active. HAHAHA it's a struggle to get up off the couch to go to work let alone DO SOMETHING extra. I told him when i walk i get presure feeling in my crouch and my feet swell. When i drop something I look at it for a while debating if it's worth the effort to pick it up.
Too uckin' Royal!!! I WANT MY BODY BACK!!! I'll second that! I didn't sleep hardly a wink last night - I was excited about my scan, which kept me awake, but I'm sick of having to roll over every couple of minutes - it's a bit like clucking! And my nipples really, really hurt! doesn't help much when my twat of a boyfriend comes rolling home from the pub drunk and watches me struggling into my jeans in order to go out and walk the dog - I had to take him coz twatface was pissed and the dog hates the smell of alcohol, and I wouldn't trust him to look after a plank of wood when he's been drinking, let alone my main man, Billy The Rott. Anyway, I like walking the dog, but not really in the pitch black, and I don't really walk any more, I waddle. So he sees me struggling into my jeans and says "You used to have such a nice shape. What happened to you?". I controlled the rage, and stifled the urge to scream at him "I was stupid enough let you come inside me, that's what the f*** happened!!!" I astonished myself, truth be said, coz I could have happily clawed his eyes out. But one thing coming off the gear taught me was iron self control. And one thing living with him has taught me is never argue with a drunk man who's liable to paste you all over the walls when you're nearly 5 months pregnant. After a while it don't hurt any more, it just makes you feel sad.
Jeeze...you can tell I've drunk half a can of Carling, can't you? I was never much of a drinker before I got pregnant, and now I hardly ever even have a sip of alcohol. I get pissed on the fumes, I don't actually have to drink it at all.
OK, remind myself that I'm feeling happy. Happy coz I saw my little girl yawn and rub her head, and wriggle her legs, and do that little chewing thing they do, when they open and close their mouth as if they're tasting something really nice. And who knows, maybe amniotic fluid is the Ambrosia of the Gods. My drug worker who came with me saw that and she was nearly in tears it was so lovely. And I found out she was a little girl.
Take care honey,
Diff xxx
Jeeze...you can tell I've drunk half a can of Carling, can't you? I was never much of a drinker before I got pregnant, and now I hardly ever even have a sip of alcohol. I get pissed on the fumes, I don't actually have to drink it at all.
OK, remind myself that I'm feeling happy. Happy coz I saw my little girl yawn and rub her head, and wriggle her legs, and do that little chewing thing they do, when they open and close their mouth as if they're tasting something really nice. And who knows, maybe amniotic fluid is the Ambrosia of the Gods. My drug worker who came with me saw that and she was nearly in tears it was so lovely. And I found out she was a little girl.
Take care honey,
Diff xxx
Yes we were all very suprised when the baby was born, as like i said we werent expecting it till next year!
It's quite wierd psychologically as his sister wasn't that big, only being 6 months gone, and so it's really strange to think that her pregnancy is already over and she already has a child (you and diff are prob thinking lucky thing....with your issues of being huge at the moment!!) seriously though it is weird, must be really strange for her. She has to be very strong over the next few months.
she got to hold the baby for the first time yesterday, she said it was so lovely, she was made-up. The baby is so tiny and it is heartbreaking to see her in her little incubator with all the machines around her.But she is in the best place.
She has a struggle ahead of her just to stay alive, but she seems to be doing ok.
Hoping you and Diff have more tranquil pregnancies xx
Edited to say...Both of you are doing really well now, and are both compelty clean....both of you did this without going to meetings didn't you??
Have you found that you are managed your recovery ok without them?
Did you find that the meetings were just not for you?
(My boyfriend doesnt want to go to meetings wants to try and stop alone, he goes to a drug counseller / psycholgist once a week but no other form of support)
It's quite wierd psychologically as his sister wasn't that big, only being 6 months gone, and so it's really strange to think that her pregnancy is already over and she already has a child (you and diff are prob thinking lucky thing....with your issues of being huge at the moment!!) seriously though it is weird, must be really strange for her. She has to be very strong over the next few months.
she got to hold the baby for the first time yesterday, she said it was so lovely, she was made-up. The baby is so tiny and it is heartbreaking to see her in her little incubator with all the machines around her.But she is in the best place.
She has a struggle ahead of her just to stay alive, but she seems to be doing ok.
Hoping you and Diff have more tranquil pregnancies xx
Edited to say...Both of you are doing really well now, and are both compelty clean....both of you did this without going to meetings didn't you??
Have you found that you are managed your recovery ok without them?
Did you find that the meetings were just not for you?
(My boyfriend doesnt want to go to meetings wants to try and stop alone, he goes to a drug counseller / psycholgist once a week but no other form of support)
I hated, absolutely hated meetings. You'd have to drag me there in chains to get me to go again. But I'm lucky in that I have a brilliant drug worker, and she's been so supportive. For me, getting clean was about getting proper psychiatric care for my mental illness, and having one to one support from the drugs team. And a busload of will power and desire to change my life.
love
Diff xxx
love
Diff xxx
Sashab, I have not went to any meetings at all. When i was in rehab for coke and drinking too much some 5 years or more ago I went to meetings. I hated the meetings then but, they were forced court order. I started using H fresh outta rehad like 3 weeks out of rehad 1st time i tried H . I acually learned how to shoot coke in rehab.Programs work only if you work it. I have social phobias and i don't smoke cigs those NA meeting a FULL of heavy smokers sitting shoulder to shoulder not my thing at all. I had no intent of stayin clean when i went to rehab the 1st time. This time I went to methadone clinic by my moms choice. I WANTED clean too this time i was not just doing it to please someone else. I was ready to quit. I've had no outside help othen then this right here. As for how i've managed my recovery i'ld say not well acually. I would love to be able to go back on methadone i don't feel right sober. I don't know that meetings would help or would not help i can't seem to bring myself to go to find out. I just know i have not used by sheer willpower somedays i never think about using other days i can't breath i want it so much "like today". I question my recovery a whole lot. I still feel stuck in that addictive thinking mode. I know full well Relasp starts in your head before you ever pick up again i think i've mentally relasped a while ago. I can't use again i make that choice everyday it keeps me half sane.
Hi Zerogirl, an honest post, this drug is so horrid, so strong, even though i don't know people on here personally, feel so angry and sad to hear about your struggles...that you want to stop and stay clean, but those using thoughts seem to plague you, that the urges are still there, that even when clean there are struggles with feeling normal....whatever normal is (!) but seriously the problems with depression, anxiety, etc that are still there
who knows what the best way to recovery is...i suppose each has to find thier own way..we are all individuals so what works for someone may not work for another.
when you say you don't feel right sober....you still feel like you want to use?
i can understand the fear of meetings, and the not liking of meetings as they are not for everyone. I have been trying ot build up the courage to go and see someone to talk about this addiction, as think i have a lot of issues that need someone to talk to...at the moment its only on here
no-one personally.
i have a number of a doctor (i'm not sure if she is a counceller or a psychologist...my boyfreind was given the number by the doctor at his methadone clinic) have had it for a while, first was scared and then stupidly convinced myself that didnt need it as thigns were ok, but after the weekend i think i am going to give it a try.
i am feeling very confused at the moment beacuse had a bad weekend with boyfriend, and now i have discovered a lot of stuff, all what i thought was true in the last 2 months has basically been a lie and i am finding this hard to cope with at the moment. confused, sad and lonely is how i would described me at the moment....not a very nice place to be.
Keep strong x
who knows what the best way to recovery is...i suppose each has to find thier own way..we are all individuals so what works for someone may not work for another.
when you say you don't feel right sober....you still feel like you want to use?
i can understand the fear of meetings, and the not liking of meetings as they are not for everyone. I have been trying ot build up the courage to go and see someone to talk about this addiction, as think i have a lot of issues that need someone to talk to...at the moment its only on here
no-one personally.
i have a number of a doctor (i'm not sure if she is a counceller or a psychologist...my boyfreind was given the number by the doctor at his methadone clinic) have had it for a while, first was scared and then stupidly convinced myself that didnt need it as thigns were ok, but after the weekend i think i am going to give it a try.
i am feeling very confused at the moment beacuse had a bad weekend with boyfriend, and now i have discovered a lot of stuff, all what i thought was true in the last 2 months has basically been a lie and i am finding this hard to cope with at the moment. confused, sad and lonely is how i would described me at the moment....not a very nice place to be.
Keep strong x
Hi guys, Sashab, sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you, and Zerogirl, I know it's tough. I think being pregnant doesn't help much either. Well, in some ways it does, coz it stops you from using. One antidote to the urge to score is visualizing sticking a needle into my baby and shooting up. It's just one place I know I won't go. But on the other hand, one of the things that helped my cravings go away before I was pregnant was telling myself that I can get hold of the drug any day I want. It's always out there. It's just today I don't think I'll bother. Thinking like that helped keep my addict within peaceful, and she wasn't beating her head against the bars screaming "LET ME OUT, YOU MUTHAf***ING b****!!!!!" I found that most of the time she slipped into the deep recesses of my subconscious and rarely gave me much grief. But now that I have a reason why I can't just go score if I felt like it, she's been making a reappearance in my dreams. I have found recently that if I'm stressed out, then I have drug dreams at night. I dream a lot about heroin, and a lot about cocaine. Which surprised me, as I used to have cocaine as an occasional treat (IV of course) but money was normally tight, and if it was a choice between having plenty of smack, or scrimping on the heroin and having charlie as well, heroin would always win hands down. I've never had a coke problem. I just enjoy it from time to time. But I think as coke is seen as the more socially acceptable drug, my addict knows it is a bit of a weak spot in my defences, and she's pressing that button now. I mean, if I go out to a club, it's a pretty safe bet that at some point a line of charlie will find itself being offered to me. But being pregnant, to me it's out of the question, so my naughty little addict is complaining bitterly.
And being so emotional doesn't help either. I've felt so down at times during this pregnancy, because of my relationship problems. I've thought a lot about self-harm too. I am feeling a bit better now. Things at home are more peaceful, and we're not always arguing like we were. Some of the love seems to have come back into our relationship. I'm still itching to get the keys to my own place, coz he can still drive me nuts with his obsessive nature and need to control me. I think he'll have a bit of a shock when I finally move out. I know he's dreading me going in some ways. He doesn't want to be on his own, and he likes having me around. But living here with him in his house, everything is so one-sided. He makes all the rules and seems to hold all the cards. I've a feeling that he thinks that when I move out, he'll just be able to hang out at my house all the time, and everything will be the same. But he's wrong about that. My house = my rules. The dog lives in the house, not in the kennel which he is thinks he will. I spend my time doing things that I want to do, not running round after him like a glorified PA, who not only organises his business, but cooks his meals and washes his clothes, does his shopping, pays his bills, remembers his families birthdays, sorts out his finances. And sucks his c*** to boot! I honestly can't remember the last time I indulged one of my hobbies.
His latest angle now is to try and get me to turn down the house I've been offered, which is perfect for me, but not for him, and go and rent somewhere private. And of course considerably more expensive, meaning that I will have to be dependant on him to pay the rent for me. Which means that he can blackmail me with it, and use it to get his own way. He insists he won't do that to me, and says that even if we couldn't say two civil words to each other, then he'd still support me and the baby. But we've been down this road before. When we'd only been together a month or two, he bought me a car. I was amazed, and very touched, coz nobody had done anything nice for me for ages. Oh but, he was more than willing to snatch the keys off me if we had a row, and not let me use it. In the end I borrowed some money of my ex, and got my own car back on the road. Which is a much better car anyway. So now he doesn't have that particular angle to use against me, and I don't feel so trapped.
The house I've been offered I can comfortably afford even if he didn't give me a penny, so I don't want to fall into the trap of letting him win on this one. He can be pretty shameless. We were wandering around Carmarthen today, coz I had an appointment down there to see my new shrink, and we looked around this furniture workshop, filled with beautiful handcrafted wooden furniture. I was ohhing and ahhing at everything, but knowing there wasn't anything I could afford, and he was saying that if I got a house with him, he'd buy me anything I liked, and spend all this money on making the place perfect. Yeah, and if he decided that he didn't much like being a daddy, and went off and left me, then he'd take every stick of it and leave me with a bare house. Or if I decided I'd had enough of him, then he'd use it as an angle to blackmail me or hurt me. I can't take that chance. I don't want to feel beholden to anyone. Yes I know that in 18 weeks we'll have a child together, and I really want him to be a part of her life, but because of the way he's behaved, I kinda feel like she's all mine, and I guess I already know that I'll be the main parent. I feel like the responsibility for her welfare lies with me. Maybe that's because I'm carrying her in my womb, and I know when she's awake and when she's sleeping, I feel all her little wriggles and kicks. She communicates with me and me alone, and right now I don't have to share her with anybody. I would have loved it if he'd been excited about the pregnancy, and he'd wanted her the way I do, but he didn't in the beginning, and although he's better about it now, it's still a million miles from ideal. I think half the reason we've been getting on better is because I've just given up trying to talk him round. I just let him get on with it. He can deal with things his way. That's his choice. But I'll deal with things my way, and I'm not gonna leave him a whole lot of room to start squawking about his rights as a father after she's born, coz as far as I'm concerned he lost those rights when he left me covered in cuts and bruises, and when he kicked me out with my dog in the pouring rain. His baby was inside me then and he didn't care about her welfare then. And when it comes to your kids, you can't pick and choose when you're going to care about them. You care all the time. They always come first. That thought has given me a lot of strength. I have stuck to my guns, quietly, without confrontation, because it's not just for me, it's for my baby.
Wow, what a lecture! Sorry guys, I guess I just went off on one there!
love
Diff xxxx
And being so emotional doesn't help either. I've felt so down at times during this pregnancy, because of my relationship problems. I've thought a lot about self-harm too. I am feeling a bit better now. Things at home are more peaceful, and we're not always arguing like we were. Some of the love seems to have come back into our relationship. I'm still itching to get the keys to my own place, coz he can still drive me nuts with his obsessive nature and need to control me. I think he'll have a bit of a shock when I finally move out. I know he's dreading me going in some ways. He doesn't want to be on his own, and he likes having me around. But living here with him in his house, everything is so one-sided. He makes all the rules and seems to hold all the cards. I've a feeling that he thinks that when I move out, he'll just be able to hang out at my house all the time, and everything will be the same. But he's wrong about that. My house = my rules. The dog lives in the house, not in the kennel which he is thinks he will. I spend my time doing things that I want to do, not running round after him like a glorified PA, who not only organises his business, but cooks his meals and washes his clothes, does his shopping, pays his bills, remembers his families birthdays, sorts out his finances. And sucks his c*** to boot! I honestly can't remember the last time I indulged one of my hobbies.
His latest angle now is to try and get me to turn down the house I've been offered, which is perfect for me, but not for him, and go and rent somewhere private. And of course considerably more expensive, meaning that I will have to be dependant on him to pay the rent for me. Which means that he can blackmail me with it, and use it to get his own way. He insists he won't do that to me, and says that even if we couldn't say two civil words to each other, then he'd still support me and the baby. But we've been down this road before. When we'd only been together a month or two, he bought me a car. I was amazed, and very touched, coz nobody had done anything nice for me for ages. Oh but, he was more than willing to snatch the keys off me if we had a row, and not let me use it. In the end I borrowed some money of my ex, and got my own car back on the road. Which is a much better car anyway. So now he doesn't have that particular angle to use against me, and I don't feel so trapped.
The house I've been offered I can comfortably afford even if he didn't give me a penny, so I don't want to fall into the trap of letting him win on this one. He can be pretty shameless. We were wandering around Carmarthen today, coz I had an appointment down there to see my new shrink, and we looked around this furniture workshop, filled with beautiful handcrafted wooden furniture. I was ohhing and ahhing at everything, but knowing there wasn't anything I could afford, and he was saying that if I got a house with him, he'd buy me anything I liked, and spend all this money on making the place perfect. Yeah, and if he decided that he didn't much like being a daddy, and went off and left me, then he'd take every stick of it and leave me with a bare house. Or if I decided I'd had enough of him, then he'd use it as an angle to blackmail me or hurt me. I can't take that chance. I don't want to feel beholden to anyone. Yes I know that in 18 weeks we'll have a child together, and I really want him to be a part of her life, but because of the way he's behaved, I kinda feel like she's all mine, and I guess I already know that I'll be the main parent. I feel like the responsibility for her welfare lies with me. Maybe that's because I'm carrying her in my womb, and I know when she's awake and when she's sleeping, I feel all her little wriggles and kicks. She communicates with me and me alone, and right now I don't have to share her with anybody. I would have loved it if he'd been excited about the pregnancy, and he'd wanted her the way I do, but he didn't in the beginning, and although he's better about it now, it's still a million miles from ideal. I think half the reason we've been getting on better is because I've just given up trying to talk him round. I just let him get on with it. He can deal with things his way. That's his choice. But I'll deal with things my way, and I'm not gonna leave him a whole lot of room to start squawking about his rights as a father after she's born, coz as far as I'm concerned he lost those rights when he left me covered in cuts and bruises, and when he kicked me out with my dog in the pouring rain. His baby was inside me then and he didn't care about her welfare then. And when it comes to your kids, you can't pick and choose when you're going to care about them. You care all the time. They always come first. That thought has given me a lot of strength. I have stuck to my guns, quietly, without confrontation, because it's not just for me, it's for my baby.
Wow, what a lecture! Sorry guys, I guess I just went off on one there!
love
Diff xxxx
