My first closed one.
I've shared as an alcoholic at two open meetings before....but my denial is still fighting a rearguard action. And so is my drinking. For several weeks now I've felt no real desire for a drink - and then been caught out by acting on the idea that it means I CAN drink with impunity....which experience has shown me I CAN'T. I simply cannot predict whether I will walk away after half a glass or dive in and breath deeply....fool.
Tonight I went off in my head...out into the night with my ex....feelings burning in my chest, anxiety eating me up...and I thought....f*** this...she's drinking all her money away STILL and and I'm STILL sitting here spending all my money on the kids and feeling this f***ing pain?
Can you hear the Beast roaring? I wanted to dive in....and thanks to the small bits of progress I could sense what it wants....oblivion, death, and if there's some mayhem on the way that takes someone down with me then all the better....not her...
Boy...this rage, this child-like, God-like, outrageous urge to destroy....myself and...and what? God only knows....and He was listening....and something, my growth, by the Grace of God, enabled me to recognise the Beast and its power, and hold it and weigh it and realise it was more than a match for me....my God, as I write that I realise that HAS to be the definition of powerlessness....I KNEW that this beast was more than a match for me tonight and something took me off to my first closed AA meeting where everyone was a stranger and yet no-one was.
And it was wonderful....so simple, honest, real.....I cannot imagine wanting to drink, I cannot imagine wanting to destroy anything when my fellow human beings are simply wonderful. From all walks of life and so ordinary......so ordinary, like me...all my life I wanted to find someone who knows the secret....and they do....this life is astonishing....ordinary life is an astonishing miracle and we who witness it, really witness it, are full of a wonder we don't have to express...
Except I wanted to here tonight....lol....
I am so grateful for the Power beyond understanding that kept me safe tonight, kept me safe in so many ways. I am so grateful for AA, that in rooms as shabby as the one I was in are all over the WOrld and full of acceptance, patience, understanding and love.
And I am grateful for the opportunity to share this miracle in my life tonight. This ordinary, everyday miracle that I do not take for granted.
Have a wonderful evening. Isn't it fantastic to be alive!
Martin
Hey Marty
Just like balloons need air to float, I need meetings to share and clear the mind so that i can feel the gratitude and live life:)
Thanks for reminding me of the miracle that recovery is
And have you given yourself that hug yet?
light and love Zac
Just like balloons need air to float, I need meetings to share and clear the mind so that i can feel the gratitude and live life:)
Thanks for reminding me of the miracle that recovery is
And have you given yourself that hug yet?
light and love Zac
Your presence is all the hug I need. You and my other friends here.
I know I "shouldn't" seek or NEED attention. I recognise that I still do at times....there's a deep void that I need to fill with my Self...and then I won't need attention....that's a work in progress.......but I will always want friendship zac, and I value what everyone here has offered me and continues to offer me. I value your friendship. I know what I think of you is none of your business, but I am very grateful to know you and everyone else here.
And while I'm on about being grateful....if feeding the five thousand was a miracle, how much more so is nurturing tens of thousands of desperate souls who are seeking refuge from the disease of addiction, and enabling us to talk like this. This board is an absolute miracle and the people who pay for it and run it are modern day Saints. Thank you.
Martin
What a brilliant night.
I know I "shouldn't" seek or NEED attention. I recognise that I still do at times....there's a deep void that I need to fill with my Self...and then I won't need attention....that's a work in progress.......but I will always want friendship zac, and I value what everyone here has offered me and continues to offer me. I value your friendship. I know what I think of you is none of your business, but I am very grateful to know you and everyone else here.
And while I'm on about being grateful....if feeding the five thousand was a miracle, how much more so is nurturing tens of thousands of desperate souls who are seeking refuge from the disease of addiction, and enabling us to talk like this. This board is an absolute miracle and the people who pay for it and run it are modern day Saints. Thank you.
Martin
What a brilliant night.
Good for you Martin. You know this last experience with my drinking I didn't drink like an alcoholic about the first 3 wks. I thought I was cured. I attended a one step woman's meeting at my church in which the first 7 months was a recovery group. Then they told us with out asking us that it would no longer be a recovery group but a support group.
I didn't understand completely what had hapenned. Except many woman left. Any time I would call myself an alcoholic I was told by the leader who wasn't an alcoholic, or addict to not refer to myself in that manner. I was shunned. You are a child of God not an alcoholic.
I had quit having cravings for the most part around 5 months of sobriety, but occasionally thought of a drink. My last time at this group when they went around and asked what each person wanted prayer for I said I had been thinking about drinking. The leader put her arms up in the air let out a sigh and said if you just stop thinking and talking about it than it won't be a problem. I felt really bad and embarrassed. I only talked about it a few times over a nine month period. Mainly in the very beginning.
Anyway at the same time I was having problems with my sponsor. I just wanted to do my 4th step. Oh yeah and this church group doesn't think you need medication, AA, or counseling either. I think I need to pray and listen and write about is my faith defective. It appears that standing on faith alone wasn't enough. Am I defective because my faith wasn't enough? I don't think so. I think I allowed other people to judge me and I believed it. I think I thought there voice had more value than mine.
I would get confused about the church message verses AA message in my head. One day I would think they are right than I changed my mind. So I said F*** it.
What I realized at last nights meeting where I know I few people recognized me even with my big sunglasses on was this. I wore them this time because I didn't have time to put on my make up and I'm a bit vain, or maybe a bit of a girlie girl with a ton boy side to her. A couple of people came up to me hugged me and said well I figured you either moved away were getting drunk, in jail, or dead. Welcome home Chris, keep coming back. Told me the same thing Stacey said you have to be done completely. This guy stood up there I don't know well and said he'd been in and out of the rooms for 22 yrs. and he had to get off the merry go round. He had to be done completely. He said he didn't get any relief until he worked the steps 4-9 and 10 12 were maintenance. Get a sponsor who's got some good time who won't take any S*** who's got a similiar story. I don't know but he was speaking to my soul.
I realized at that moment. I could have spoken that night even though it was podium night I passed when called on. I could have taken my sunglasses off because know one cares that I didn't look my best, no make up on. They don't care if I'm pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, smart, rich, poor, what color my skin is. What my sexual orientation I choose. Which HP I believe in. How much sobriety time I have. They just want us to be well and sober one day at a time. Reasonably happy becoming a better person, reaching out and giving it back. Where at the the church group I was in, they were promoting God. There were rules and if you didn't measure up you were gone.
I haven't been back to Church services on Sunday either. The last one which I've heard 3-4 times I attended there for about 10 months is you don't need support groups. I thought in my head why do you have them here. I don't know but, I think I'm upset have a resentment. I really miss church it was a very important part of my recovery. My youngest daughter has been crushed because she gos to Church there and I'm not standing by her. I feel like I'm going to cry. Writing about this is well making me think about it. I did e-mail the church once and never heard back, but maybe I did it the wrong way. Why am I so tender hearted? I need thicker skin.
I need another cup of coffee and a meeting. I could call somebody, but the phone just feels so heavy right now. I think I will go pray for somebody else and be grateful.
I didn't understand completely what had hapenned. Except many woman left. Any time I would call myself an alcoholic I was told by the leader who wasn't an alcoholic, or addict to not refer to myself in that manner. I was shunned. You are a child of God not an alcoholic.
I had quit having cravings for the most part around 5 months of sobriety, but occasionally thought of a drink. My last time at this group when they went around and asked what each person wanted prayer for I said I had been thinking about drinking. The leader put her arms up in the air let out a sigh and said if you just stop thinking and talking about it than it won't be a problem. I felt really bad and embarrassed. I only talked about it a few times over a nine month period. Mainly in the very beginning.
Anyway at the same time I was having problems with my sponsor. I just wanted to do my 4th step. Oh yeah and this church group doesn't think you need medication, AA, or counseling either. I think I need to pray and listen and write about is my faith defective. It appears that standing on faith alone wasn't enough. Am I defective because my faith wasn't enough? I don't think so. I think I allowed other people to judge me and I believed it. I think I thought there voice had more value than mine.
I would get confused about the church message verses AA message in my head. One day I would think they are right than I changed my mind. So I said F*** it.
What I realized at last nights meeting where I know I few people recognized me even with my big sunglasses on was this. I wore them this time because I didn't have time to put on my make up and I'm a bit vain, or maybe a bit of a girlie girl with a ton boy side to her. A couple of people came up to me hugged me and said well I figured you either moved away were getting drunk, in jail, or dead. Welcome home Chris, keep coming back. Told me the same thing Stacey said you have to be done completely. This guy stood up there I don't know well and said he'd been in and out of the rooms for 22 yrs. and he had to get off the merry go round. He had to be done completely. He said he didn't get any relief until he worked the steps 4-9 and 10 12 were maintenance. Get a sponsor who's got some good time who won't take any S*** who's got a similiar story. I don't know but he was speaking to my soul.
I realized at that moment. I could have spoken that night even though it was podium night I passed when called on. I could have taken my sunglasses off because know one cares that I didn't look my best, no make up on. They don't care if I'm pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, smart, rich, poor, what color my skin is. What my sexual orientation I choose. Which HP I believe in. How much sobriety time I have. They just want us to be well and sober one day at a time. Reasonably happy becoming a better person, reaching out and giving it back. Where at the the church group I was in, they were promoting God. There were rules and if you didn't measure up you were gone.
I haven't been back to Church services on Sunday either. The last one which I've heard 3-4 times I attended there for about 10 months is you don't need support groups. I thought in my head why do you have them here. I don't know but, I think I'm upset have a resentment. I really miss church it was a very important part of my recovery. My youngest daughter has been crushed because she gos to Church there and I'm not standing by her. I feel like I'm going to cry. Writing about this is well making me think about it. I did e-mail the church once and never heard back, but maybe I did it the wrong way. Why am I so tender hearted? I need thicker skin.
I need another cup of coffee and a meeting. I could call somebody, but the phone just feels so heavy right now. I think I will go pray for somebody else and be grateful.
Hi Chris,
Thank you for sharing and showing me your heart. I feel that is what happened last night for me. It was a small group. I recognised one guy but I didn't know where from. It turned out he came to an Al-anon meeting once about a year ago. I ddin't know anybody at all. If I hadn't been so disturbed going in I would have put them all into little boxes in my head....a defence mechanism I think (my guess is I'd automatically be trying to identify where the threat might be). Instead I was full of pain, anger really...and just trying to hold it in. I could barely hear the main share, but enough got through...then the guy with tattoos, in his early thirties, coming back after ten years and talking about chaos, then the very gentle, shy guy talking about being beaten up, then the woman....and it didn't matter who they were or how they looked, their beauty shone through. People like you and me and EVERYONE else, doing the best they can in a world where there are no answers but the ones we create.....and perhaps some of us find answers that aren't great for us is all.....
I'm rambling but I'm trying to say that what I love is the REALNESS....it goes beyond honesty...there's a humility....a recognition that this life's mysteries are beyond our knowledge and that it's ok....that I don't have to accept someone else's answers and that in rejecting the Bible, the Quran, the Tao I am not rejecting life or the power that creates life or whatever might be there and wishing me well.....I don't have to accept anyone else's answers....I just have to accep life....and let it teach me its lessons....let my inner spirit learn from what life has to teach me instead of trying to wrestle everything that happens in life into a little Rulebook or explanation someone else gave me.
No man or woman has the right to Rule my Soul. It is my job to use my life to discover what my Soul is for. That task is entrusted to me, not to a Priest or Vicar or Guru....or AA...yes, I can listen, and yes, if I am broken and want to LIVE I must recognise when my thinking and emotion is distorted and find someone to trust to help me back on the path of my life....but the RESPONSIBILITY is mine.....and every time I hand my respnsibility, my better judgement over to someone else and follow blindly....I take a step away from my Soul'd true path....I need a sponsor, I think, to help me on my journey, but I cannot give him resopnsibility for my decisions and my life....it simply isn't POSSIBLE....I am always responsible whether I like it or not....and that's an important part of being real for me.....as I write this, realising that there is NO_ONE who is going to live my life or make it better for me.....there was no-one way back when and I can't keep waiting for them to turn up....not in a partner, a boss or a Guru.....
And the good news is that if I am in touch with MY Higher Power, whatever that power is, if I let my best self guide me towards my inner Truth...if I can be honestw ith myself through all the smoke and mirrors of dependency, pain, fear, layers upon layers of defences, grandiosity, arrogance and through to the sel-doubt, fear and abject terror all that is trying to protect....then I find great pain and the potential for growth.....facing and feeling that pain and letting it go is the path - for me - that leads to becoming who I can be....not in some driven, "be the best you can be bulls***", but by accepting who I AM right NOW....just doing that, just accepting that, is setting me free to grow naturally from all the lessons life has to teach me, so long as I look, listen and share....because in sharing I learn about me and in listening I learn about me.
In the end, I am the only judge of me.....and if I am close to my HP, I won't be wrong. The Church isn't God, the Priests aren't God, the Officers aren't God, the Chairperson isn't God....we're all equal....Only God is God, and if I listen carefully to that quiet, inner voice I sometimes know what He wants of me...
One thing, I know He doesn't want me to have a thicker skin. He doesn't want me to put that suit of armour back on and show everyone how tough and brave and clever I am and deny my real self full of fear and anxiety within it. THAT'S what THEY wanted because it frightened THEM (and your Chairlady, I wonder?). I believe God wants me to live WITH my fear and anxiety and accept it as His gift and learn its lessons, so that I can finally live fully with ALL my feelings....because I know now that when I shut out anxiety and fear and terror decades ago I also shut the door on joy and excitement and bliss....and His love
Just MY esh....only mine. Take what your HP wants you to take and leave the rest.
I'm sorry you were treated that way by the Church Chris, you deserve so much better. I was raised a Catholic and that contributed one or two bricks to the walls I imprisoned myself within....I think every single Rule and regulation and ritual and story that Man has invented to interpret God has put an obstacle between me and Him....how dare we be so arrogant as to think we can describe or trap Him in a story or religion? That other men and women can talk to us about Him, about what He wants of us?
Is it more arrogant to think God speaks directly to me or that He speaks THROUGH me to others? If we take something from someone else's esh that's OUR HP picking stuff out for us, imho...
I think Church can be a spiritual place and I know that when I was in crises I went there and heard everything I needed to in the service and felt everything I needed to in the love and support of the people there....but I would have known, too if He wasn't speaking to me through that room....I would have known....because He walks with me wherever I go and the only thing that determines whether I hear Him or not is the quality of my listening.
God is sometimes in Church and always with me. It's funny Chris, but I know that very clearly when I communicate with you and yet I often forget at other times....it's all so strange.
God bless you Chris, you are a fine person and your unconditional love and acceptance months ago placed a foundation stone for my recovery. What I build now is in my hands, but I will always enjoy your company and wisdom on my journey.
Martin
Thank you for sharing and showing me your heart. I feel that is what happened last night for me. It was a small group. I recognised one guy but I didn't know where from. It turned out he came to an Al-anon meeting once about a year ago. I ddin't know anybody at all. If I hadn't been so disturbed going in I would have put them all into little boxes in my head....a defence mechanism I think (my guess is I'd automatically be trying to identify where the threat might be). Instead I was full of pain, anger really...and just trying to hold it in. I could barely hear the main share, but enough got through...then the guy with tattoos, in his early thirties, coming back after ten years and talking about chaos, then the very gentle, shy guy talking about being beaten up, then the woman....and it didn't matter who they were or how they looked, their beauty shone through. People like you and me and EVERYONE else, doing the best they can in a world where there are no answers but the ones we create.....and perhaps some of us find answers that aren't great for us is all.....
I'm rambling but I'm trying to say that what I love is the REALNESS....it goes beyond honesty...there's a humility....a recognition that this life's mysteries are beyond our knowledge and that it's ok....that I don't have to accept someone else's answers and that in rejecting the Bible, the Quran, the Tao I am not rejecting life or the power that creates life or whatever might be there and wishing me well.....I don't have to accept anyone else's answers....I just have to accep life....and let it teach me its lessons....let my inner spirit learn from what life has to teach me instead of trying to wrestle everything that happens in life into a little Rulebook or explanation someone else gave me.
No man or woman has the right to Rule my Soul. It is my job to use my life to discover what my Soul is for. That task is entrusted to me, not to a Priest or Vicar or Guru....or AA...yes, I can listen, and yes, if I am broken and want to LIVE I must recognise when my thinking and emotion is distorted and find someone to trust to help me back on the path of my life....but the RESPONSIBILITY is mine.....and every time I hand my respnsibility, my better judgement over to someone else and follow blindly....I take a step away from my Soul'd true path....I need a sponsor, I think, to help me on my journey, but I cannot give him resopnsibility for my decisions and my life....it simply isn't POSSIBLE....I am always responsible whether I like it or not....and that's an important part of being real for me.....as I write this, realising that there is NO_ONE who is going to live my life or make it better for me.....there was no-one way back when and I can't keep waiting for them to turn up....not in a partner, a boss or a Guru.....
And the good news is that if I am in touch with MY Higher Power, whatever that power is, if I let my best self guide me towards my inner Truth...if I can be honestw ith myself through all the smoke and mirrors of dependency, pain, fear, layers upon layers of defences, grandiosity, arrogance and through to the sel-doubt, fear and abject terror all that is trying to protect....then I find great pain and the potential for growth.....facing and feeling that pain and letting it go is the path - for me - that leads to becoming who I can be....not in some driven, "be the best you can be bulls***", but by accepting who I AM right NOW....just doing that, just accepting that, is setting me free to grow naturally from all the lessons life has to teach me, so long as I look, listen and share....because in sharing I learn about me and in listening I learn about me.
In the end, I am the only judge of me.....and if I am close to my HP, I won't be wrong. The Church isn't God, the Priests aren't God, the Officers aren't God, the Chairperson isn't God....we're all equal....Only God is God, and if I listen carefully to that quiet, inner voice I sometimes know what He wants of me...
One thing, I know He doesn't want me to have a thicker skin. He doesn't want me to put that suit of armour back on and show everyone how tough and brave and clever I am and deny my real self full of fear and anxiety within it. THAT'S what THEY wanted because it frightened THEM (and your Chairlady, I wonder?). I believe God wants me to live WITH my fear and anxiety and accept it as His gift and learn its lessons, so that I can finally live fully with ALL my feelings....because I know now that when I shut out anxiety and fear and terror decades ago I also shut the door on joy and excitement and bliss....and His love
Just MY esh....only mine. Take what your HP wants you to take and leave the rest.
I'm sorry you were treated that way by the Church Chris, you deserve so much better. I was raised a Catholic and that contributed one or two bricks to the walls I imprisoned myself within....I think every single Rule and regulation and ritual and story that Man has invented to interpret God has put an obstacle between me and Him....how dare we be so arrogant as to think we can describe or trap Him in a story or religion? That other men and women can talk to us about Him, about what He wants of us?
Is it more arrogant to think God speaks directly to me or that He speaks THROUGH me to others? If we take something from someone else's esh that's OUR HP picking stuff out for us, imho...
I think Church can be a spiritual place and I know that when I was in crises I went there and heard everything I needed to in the service and felt everything I needed to in the love and support of the people there....but I would have known, too if He wasn't speaking to me through that room....I would have known....because He walks with me wherever I go and the only thing that determines whether I hear Him or not is the quality of my listening.
God is sometimes in Church and always with me. It's funny Chris, but I know that very clearly when I communicate with you and yet I often forget at other times....it's all so strange.
God bless you Chris, you are a fine person and your unconditional love and acceptance months ago placed a foundation stone for my recovery. What I build now is in my hands, but I will always enjoy your company and wisdom on my journey.
Martin
Thank You Martin,
I will have to re-read this when my mind is clearer. I know there is good food for thought in your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. There is still much hurt and confusion about what happened. I'm not sure I can put it into perspective as of yet. As there are more details to the story.
You are right though no one has a right to judge. But I know I'm guilty of it to. I'm glad you found some peace at AA. Perhaps you finding a sponsor would help you through your journey.
I don't know why, but I do feel more at ease in opening up parts of my heart to you. I think it's because you won't judge me and parts of our life's stories have similarties. There is a gentleness yet enormous strength that sometimes flows out of your heart towards your fellow human beings. It show up sometimes rather poetically in your writings. Then other times you are histerical and I lol. Perhaps you have the right mix of love, humor and some defiance all wrapped up on one. I also sense the creator is very close to you as he is many here and everywhere.
Have a good night.
Chris
I will have to re-read this when my mind is clearer. I know there is good food for thought in your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. There is still much hurt and confusion about what happened. I'm not sure I can put it into perspective as of yet. As there are more details to the story.
You are right though no one has a right to judge. But I know I'm guilty of it to. I'm glad you found some peace at AA. Perhaps you finding a sponsor would help you through your journey.
I don't know why, but I do feel more at ease in opening up parts of my heart to you. I think it's because you won't judge me and parts of our life's stories have similarties. There is a gentleness yet enormous strength that sometimes flows out of your heart towards your fellow human beings. It show up sometimes rather poetically in your writings. Then other times you are histerical and I lol. Perhaps you have the right mix of love, humor and some defiance all wrapped up on one. I also sense the creator is very close to you as he is many here and everywhere.
Have a good night.
Chris
