I knew my 21 year old son smoked pot and drank on the weekends. I didn't like him using pot and let him know it. He told us he stopped. At first his behavior supported that lie. Then I noticed old habits again. Plus there is no denying the odor on his coat when he walks in the house. I chose to say nothing. The beginning of this week I noticed the times he was leaving and coming home from work were a bit off. I just figured he was going to a friends house to hang out before work and going there after work too. Well, I happened to find out he didn't go to work at least the first two days this week and he has started using heroin. Last night my husband and I sat in silence most of the night, both of us hoping something anything would occur to us on how to approach and deal with this newest development in the ever challenging son's life. I have spent the morning online printing articles and jotting down book titles. I am scared to death!! I think we will need to be very careful when we approach our son. I am afraid he will get very angry (we have dealt with anger issues all his life), defensive, withdrawn and just shut us out completely. That does seem to be the pattern with him when we have to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about. Which is why at times we don't talk to him about things we should, because we just want to avoid the fight. After all I have read, I know we need to act sooner not later. Please help us!!! Where do we start? What do we do? What do we say?
Hi , your son is 21 , he is an adult , he is working , therefore he can afford to maintain himself - he is living in your house - you need to put some boundaries in place - you cannot live in fear - it is not healthy for you or your son - you need to confront him - tell him you know what is going on and set down some strict boundaries - he needs to decide whether he wants to continue using - and if he does i suggest you ask him to leave your house - or if he decides he wants to stop, then great, be there for him - offer him your support - big but coming up - addicts lie, and manipulate people and situations to suit their addictions - the drug always come first - so you must see some evidence of him trying to enter recovery - going for treatment - going to NA meetings - whatever route he choses be careful he is not just paying lip service to it - he needs to want to enter recovery for himself - if he is doing it to please you or anyone else - it wont work - he wont stay sober for long - this disease (addiction) can only be tackled by the addict themselves -
the sooner he faces the reality of what he is doing , the better, heroin is very hard to quit - he will need help, very few make it on their own - you must make sure that you are not enabling his drug use - ignoring his addiction is doing just this - if he continues to use and you leave him living in your house, you need to realise that he will probably start stealing from you - if it aint nailed down he will sell it for drugs when the addiction kicks in and he needs a fix - you need to deal with this now or be prepared for the misery and conflict that will occur in the future - put those boundaries in place and sit him down and tell him the bottom line has been reached - you are not prepared to put up with him using drugs while he is living there - best of luck - keep posting and let us know how you are doing - keep the faith -
the sooner he faces the reality of what he is doing , the better, heroin is very hard to quit - he will need help, very few make it on their own - you must make sure that you are not enabling his drug use - ignoring his addiction is doing just this - if he continues to use and you leave him living in your house, you need to realise that he will probably start stealing from you - if it aint nailed down he will sell it for drugs when the addiction kicks in and he needs a fix - you need to deal with this now or be prepared for the misery and conflict that will occur in the future - put those boundaries in place and sit him down and tell him the bottom line has been reached - you are not prepared to put up with him using drugs while he is living there - best of luck - keep posting and let us know how you are doing - keep the faith -
Hey Linda.
My name is Adam. I'm 33 yrs. old and have been struggling with substance abuse issues since the age of about 14. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of myself and my parents. This is really a tough situation. I was very defient and rebellious through my childhood and my mom claims still to this daydon't know the kind of relationship that you haveyour son,so I will speak of mine with my mom. I dontr really being able to talk to my mom probably because I was almost always on drugs and we didn't have that kind of relationship. Unfortunately,itstill seems like that to this day.I have a brother and it seemed like my parents favored him and loved . him more. I don't want to say its their fault that I'm an addict,which its not those were just feelings that I had that I believe contributed to this madness lifestyle. Anyhow,maybe confront him firmly,but very humble and understanding at the same time. Try to talk to him,listen to what he has to say. Try to build communication with him. If possible communication is key. I'm praying for u guys!!!
My name is Adam. I'm 33 yrs. old and have been struggling with substance abuse issues since the age of about 14. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of myself and my parents. This is really a tough situation. I was very defient and rebellious through my childhood and my mom claims still to this daydon't know the kind of relationship that you haveyour son,so I will speak of mine with my mom. I dontr really being able to talk to my mom probably because I was almost always on drugs and we didn't have that kind of relationship. Unfortunately,itstill seems like that to this day.I have a brother and it seemed like my parents favored him and loved . him more. I don't want to say its their fault that I'm an addict,which its not those were just feelings that I had that I believe contributed to this madness lifestyle. Anyhow,maybe confront him firmly,but very humble and understanding at the same time. Try to talk to him,listen to what he has to say. Try to build communication with him. If possible communication is key. I'm praying for u guys!!!
Dear Linda, You are a parent,you avoid talking to your son cause you are afraid he will get angry and to avoid fights...Linda You Are a Mother A Parent...we are not there to be their buddies we are not our children's room mates .....we are their parents. ..I was suspicious of my son it just so happen I came across the proof to uphold my suspicion ...I called my husband and son into the room and I asked my son to explain what it was and what was he doing...You did not state how it is you say he's doing heroin. ..but as he is living in your home you should be able to have a conversation with your son and your husband and discuss your concerns. ...discuss what you have been witnessing if his responsibility is not being fulfilled ....You cannot sit in silence and pretend everything is OK when clearly it is not...Tell your son you will not support bad habits or bad choices for that matter...he's going to get angry ..who's house is it...who pays the bills...if he gets out of control call the police....but as I said discuss it with him see how he reacts and what it is he has to say...if he chooses to stay and come clean offer him emotional support to help him in recovery...if he wants to do his own thing you cannot stop him he's 22nd although not mature he's an adult...if he chooses to continue partying drinking doing drugs...tell him you will not allow it and mean it...then he will have to find other accommodations for himself...You must set bounderies and adhere to those set...You cannot waiver or be weak....You must make the message clear. ..get yourself some counseling and educate yourself about enabling....although you may not see it by you and his father not saying anything to avoid his anger you are already enabling...by smelling the alcohol and pot on his clothing and.not saying anything is enabling. ..You cannot allow him to bully you into losing your parenting....if you allow the inmate to run the asulym you will be miserable.Start by telling him what you have witnessed what you are aware of and what if any upholding proof you have...does he have track marks ....although they can inject in other places. .would he be willing to take a drug test. ...your silence to him is acceptance....is that what you want?
My son is in his early 20's and became addicted to heroin after graduating from high school. It led to stealing from all of our family members to, several charges of forgery and finally to home invasion and a year in prison. I have been scared of him when detoxing and on other occasions afraid for him as he showed signs of suicidality. I am still not convinced that he is motivated enough to change. I have become better at not enabling but still recognize it in myself. It is so hard to not set our own kids apart from other addicts. I Use to think that if only he could find a job, if only he wasn't such an introvert, if only he had good friends, if only his father were alive. I play his childhood over in my mind to what I could have done differently. I know that the heroin has made him very manipulative. He lies when telling the truth would serve him better. I have been to meetings and it does help to know that someone understands. I have spent these last five years with just a couple hours of sleep a night. I wait for the morgue to knock on my door in the middle of the night. I lay in bed imagining him overdosed with a needle in his arm or sitting in a cold gar out of gas....these thoughts go on and on and have changed everything I use to love to do. I'm afraid to take vacations because something always seems to happen. My relationship with my husband has been strained to say the least. I only function at a percentage of my ability at work and have limited contact with friends. Panic attacks and depression took over my days for a long time and only recently seem better on occassions. I sought treatment but quit because in my mind no one understands unless they have been there. I just don't have advise to offer because I can't seem to help myself. It's hard to see a good ending for anyone and heroin has such a poor prognosis that it seems to take more motivation and strength than my son has ever had. I still make excuses for him in my own mind and know that it is wearing on my own health and future. I wish I knew what to say to help you because I think I feel your same pain. Best of luck to your son.
Exhausted-
I feel your pain and exhaustion. I just now had a discussion with my 22 year old son, in recovery-for being a heroin smoker,etc.. living at our home that it was NOT ok for his "friends" to be in the pot smoking group and leaving pipes in his car. He argued that it was ok, he wasn't smoking it. The fact that this was even ok in his mind means he is not really in recovery. This is his last chance with us. He left the house stating that he doesn't know when he will be home.as a veiled threat. I have finally reached the point where the worry moved to the back and I really don't care when he comes home. He is 22 and if he shows back up to go to the second week of his intensive recovery, I will tell them to pee test him to see if he is finally getting smarter or just making the same bad decisions. He is one pee test away from living in his car. I'm love him to the moon but I am not doing him any favors. His mind has not gotten to the state of " I will do anything to get clean." I find this more and more intolerable considering the bills we are footing.
Best to you---stay strong. Save yourself.
I feel your pain and exhaustion. I just now had a discussion with my 22 year old son, in recovery-for being a heroin smoker,etc.. living at our home that it was NOT ok for his "friends" to be in the pot smoking group and leaving pipes in his car. He argued that it was ok, he wasn't smoking it. The fact that this was even ok in his mind means he is not really in recovery. This is his last chance with us. He left the house stating that he doesn't know when he will be home.as a veiled threat. I have finally reached the point where the worry moved to the back and I really don't care when he comes home. He is 22 and if he shows back up to go to the second week of his intensive recovery, I will tell them to pee test him to see if he is finally getting smarter or just making the same bad decisions. He is one pee test away from living in his car. I'm love him to the moon but I am not doing him any favors. His mind has not gotten to the state of " I will do anything to get clean." I find this more and more intolerable considering the bills we are footing.
Best to you---stay strong. Save yourself.
