So I have been clean for over 60 days (4mg suboxone/day) but I am still way down in the dumps. I didn't expect things to instantly get better, but I have been extremely low. There are so many resentments that are stabbing me and I am trying to just get rid of them. Cognitively, I KNOW what to do.....I am not able to yet.
I am agnostic, yet I pray out loud every day for my defects to be removed. I am trying so hard. Over the past two days, my wife has been very ill and I have been running around being a caretaker for my two babies and my wife. For the first time in a LONG while, I can see what is important to me.......not quite a moment of clarity yet, but tonight I feel that I just have to drop everything and live. I am sure that I am being harder on myself than anyone else. It is so difficult to just live, though. I can see it there and I want to get it. I have counseling to help me cope with childhood abuse......I need to really work at that. I have meetings to help me cope with substance abuse.....I am working that. I need to pull the trigger and put myself out there and live again. I see how happy others in recovery are. I am wondering how you guys "got there."
I am finding it SO hard to do what I know is right. I literally pray that tonight is the start of something. I have stopped using pills and booze, but I am not better (whatever that is). I know there will be tough times in life, but I must get my baseline up. Spring is here and i've been telling myself that I will start fresh when the weather turns. I've got some good stuff on the horizon. I am starting a regular schedule with my band. Not only is music an amazing outlet for me, but there are SO Many people coming to our first show next week. I can actually feel their support......like they are happy to see me getting out there again.....sober. It's wied, but it's like a comeback or something. It is a little uncomfortable to know that these people see my addiction, but it is what it is.
This is a ramble, but I'm trying. I've got to change things. I'm just not giving anyone, my wife in particular, a chance to forgive me because I have not forgiven myself.
How did you guys do it?
Jer
Just one day at a time. Life gets better one day at a time. First of all, you sound like you have enormous amounts of responsibility and that can be so hard. With theprobs between you and your wife hurting you more, it can make things seem so bleak.
At least, you got the most important thing out of the way....you are clearly committed to working on your sobriety. The rest will fall into place. Just be patient. I know that is easier said than done. Be kind to you, and give yourself some love.
I had three years on March 13...no opiates, no booze. It has gotten so much better.
But about a month ago I went to get a bikini thingy, and in that same office was a sketchy pain medicine guy. I saw some people there that I saw in my old candyman doctor's office, and I knew I could probably get myself right back in that pain management deal. And this time, I wouldn't screw around with Norco, either. I was going percs and oxy all the way. This is a bikini removal, so I still have 4 paid appts. that I have to go to seeing this "office."
So, I broke down at my sub drs today because I have been planning this screw up for a while. I never used, and know that I won't, but it is something that humbled me greatly.
It made me realize that this is a lifelong deal. And it takes time to get better. And vigilence. Just be patient with yourself, and know that you will be working on things for a long time to come.
Peace.
At least, you got the most important thing out of the way....you are clearly committed to working on your sobriety. The rest will fall into place. Just be patient. I know that is easier said than done. Be kind to you, and give yourself some love.
I had three years on March 13...no opiates, no booze. It has gotten so much better.
But about a month ago I went to get a bikini thingy, and in that same office was a sketchy pain medicine guy. I saw some people there that I saw in my old candyman doctor's office, and I knew I could probably get myself right back in that pain management deal. And this time, I wouldn't screw around with Norco, either. I was going percs and oxy all the way. This is a bikini removal, so I still have 4 paid appts. that I have to go to seeing this "office."
So, I broke down at my sub drs today because I have been planning this screw up for a while. I never used, and know that I won't, but it is something that humbled me greatly.
It made me realize that this is a lifelong deal. And it takes time to get better. And vigilence. Just be patient with yourself, and know that you will be working on things for a long time to come.
Peace.
| QUOTE |
| So I have been clean for over 60 days (4mg suboxone/day) but I am still way down in the dumps. I didn't expect things to instantly get better, but I have been extremely low. There are so many resentments that are stabbing me and I am trying to just get rid of them. Cognitively, I KNOW what to do.....I am not able to yet. |
you are not alone in your feelings mrjer, i hope you can take comfort in knowing that.
resentments are whats keeping me stuck, but i know God has a plan for me, its just not gonna magically disappear either, its gonna take work and it has been work these past 21 mos of my sobriety, would i want to go back to that person or situation i was in when i was hopelessly addicted? H*ll no!!! so i know there has been growth and there has been on your part too!
to have a husband help me when i was sick and take over??? i cant even imagine what that would feel like.
i still beat myself up daily with the stinkin thinkin and tell myself i am destined to be a door mat, for i dont know anything but that. but deep down inside i know that some how maybe i could learn to think and live differently.
i didnt get good results from a lawyer i saw for a free consultation on a divorce, i thought tbere could be some justification for the abuse i have suffered in my 25 yrs of marriage, but the judge or lawyers today in my state consider it to be irreconciable differences with a 50/50 split. meaning i would have to go out there and bust my butt working two jobs to make it on my own and there are days when i cant handle whats on my plate now and i fear being disabled as i am having difficulty walking due to hip, knee and ankle problems that i am experiencing now.
so no more complaining about whats wrong in my marriage, just for today i have to some how endure and detach and stop the resenting,
good luck, keep up the good work! you are not alone. jewels
Hey Jer:
60 days clean is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are doing great, and as I said earlier, while all isn't perfect, you SOUND SO MUCH BETTER! You aren't panicing and freaking out. You are seeing what needs to be dealt with and reaching for the best possible outcome. That is admirable.
I know it is hard...but as Kerry said. One day at a time, keep your focus on doing the best you can today, and try not to project. You will do some time in your one days, and then, hindsight will be a great reward!
I just wanted to say, you are doing great in my opinion. I am so glad your band is going well, that is such a great outlet for you, and to be feeling the love coming back, well.....that is pretty cool!
I am so glad you are there for your family. They are very lucky to have you!
Have a good day, a great weekend, let us know how the gig goes!
Peace.
Sarah
60 days clean is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are doing great, and as I said earlier, while all isn't perfect, you SOUND SO MUCH BETTER! You aren't panicing and freaking out. You are seeing what needs to be dealt with and reaching for the best possible outcome. That is admirable.
I know it is hard...but as Kerry said. One day at a time, keep your focus on doing the best you can today, and try not to project. You will do some time in your one days, and then, hindsight will be a great reward!
I just wanted to say, you are doing great in my opinion. I am so glad your band is going well, that is such a great outlet for you, and to be feeling the love coming back, well.....that is pretty cool!
I am so glad you are there for your family. They are very lucky to have you!
Have a good day, a great weekend, let us know how the gig goes!
Peace.
Sarah
Thanks!
I am getting by one day at a time, but I am not getting much out of life. I feel like I am wasting so much time.......of course I wasted much more getting high. I really want to enjoy life.
The nightmares are terrible! Last night I had one that kept me awake for hours.....I thought I was going to die. I took it as my subconcious telling me to snap out of this funk. Maybe the regular weekend gigs will help me get back. Also, my wife and I are going to Mexico in a couple of weeks. It may be a good opportunity for us to re-connect......no kids. I have been feeling guilty about the trip because it was booked before my wife found out how much debt I am in.
I just want to get some joy out of life.
Jer
I am getting by one day at a time, but I am not getting much out of life. I feel like I am wasting so much time.......of course I wasted much more getting high. I really want to enjoy life.
The nightmares are terrible! Last night I had one that kept me awake for hours.....I thought I was going to die. I took it as my subconcious telling me to snap out of this funk. Maybe the regular weekend gigs will help me get back. Also, my wife and I are going to Mexico in a couple of weeks. It may be a good opportunity for us to re-connect......no kids. I have been feeling guilty about the trip because it was booked before my wife found out how much debt I am in.
I just want to get some joy out of life.
Jer
If joy is what you want, then joy is what you will get!
Now, pay attention!
hahahaha
Have a lovely,
Ciao!
Now, pay attention!
hahahaha
Have a lovely,
Ciao!
60 days and 4 mg? That's great. What is your plan fo weaning off the 4mg?
Do you see a doctor weekly? monthly? meetings what is your recovery plan?
How long have you been on sub? what dose did you start at? 60 days and only 4mg?
Jeff
Do you see a doctor weekly? monthly? meetings what is your recovery plan?
How long have you been on sub? what dose did you start at? 60 days and only 4mg?
Jeff
