I visited my son in jail today. I knew it wouldn't be very positive because he's hasn't even been in a week yet and all he's thinking about right now is how he wishes he could get a fix. A couple more weeks and he'll be a little more positive. We've been down this road before.
He got to me today though. Yes, he had me feeling sorry for him. He actually had me feeling and believing that we are responsible for him going back to using the last time because we knew he didn't have anywhere to go but back to the friends house he was staying at before and we still didn't let him stay with us. It's true. He was clean, he had just gotten out of jail after a month and we didn't let him stay with us. Well, we let him stay for the weekend until he could get something worked out. He has no car, he has very little belongings and no one to take him in but other people like him.
I got home and told my husband about the visit and he started listing off all the stuff that we have done...over and over... He made me feel better about things and worse. He doesn't forgive like I do. I'm not going to hold past stuff against my son, my husband holds a grudge. All the stuff he brought up is true..yes, he's called us God awful names, yes, he's stolen from us, yes, he's made life a living hell at times. My husband thinks our son doesn't give a rat's a** about us but I say he does but his addiction controls everything in his life. He says no, if he cared then he wouldn't keep doing this to us.
My son got angry today because he said he'll get clean while he's in jail (he could end up staying a year) and he'll get out and still have no where to go except for back to his old life. I don't have answers for him especially when he's saying meetings are useless, sober living facilities are stupid and he's not living there, etc.. Anything I suggest, he has a road block to throw up in front of it. My husband said, "yeah, that's because he wants to come to our house so we can foot the bill and he can go get dope." I don't know if that's it or not. I think he really does feel like we aren't there for him and he has no one so what difference does it make, he might as well have his drugs.
I'm rambling and probably not making any point. It's hard for me because I literally am the only one in our entire family (including aunts, uncles, cousins) that has anything to do with my son anymore. I feel like our addicts need to feel like they're loved or they won't ever care about getting clean but I can't love enough to make up for everyone else too.
It's just been a frustrating day. Tomorrow's a new one and I'm sure I'll be feeling better, Thanks for listening.
Michelle
Don't love us to death. Your the last one standing and he knows it. Dope takes us to dark places...you have to be stronger than he is.
I'm sorry you had a bad visit with your son today. I understand EVERY feeling your having right now. As moms our heart breaks. But you know your husband is right. They love to blame us for their situations but we know it's not our fault. How many other times have you given him a place to stay etc... And he wasn't committed to staying clean? Why would this last time have been different? You've been on this roller coaster with him long enough to know its manipulation. They pull at our heart strings because they know we love them unconditionally.
Take today to feel bad. Your entitled. But tomorrow is a new day. Chin up my friend!
Remember the 3 C's!!
Cheers to a better tomorrow
Hugs to you!!
Lisa
Take today to feel bad. Your entitled. But tomorrow is a new day. Chin up my friend!
Remember the 3 C's!!
Cheers to a better tomorrow
Hugs to you!!
Lisa
Michelle,
I agree with your husband, I am sad to say I was thinking the same thing as you and always felt I was the only thing standing between him and loosing his life. But guess what I did find him a home and a place and clothing and a job. Bank account, and what did he do. Almost loose his arm stole from his brother. Played me like a fiddle. He isn't thinking right now, he is having a pity party and using your love for him. There is places he can go to when he is out. Yes there are sober houses and yes there is help to get jobs and get on your feet. But he has to want it, sounds to me he wants the easy way. Just like your husband states, live with you and clean/safe and get drugs.
Be strong and don't give into it. My son did that and more, he is on the run now and alive. He just called after three months looking for money to buy a car. But I said no and he hasn't called since. I can't give in anymore, he was destroying me inside.
He is safe now and will get cleaned again and maybe he will finally release where is life is going if he doesn't change his ways. and UNTIL he makes that choice you can only listen and love him, but don't give in.
We are hear anytime you need to vent/get a hug or cry on our shoulder like we've done before.
be strong lady for you!! xxx
xx
Sue
I agree with your husband, I am sad to say I was thinking the same thing as you and always felt I was the only thing standing between him and loosing his life. But guess what I did find him a home and a place and clothing and a job. Bank account, and what did he do. Almost loose his arm stole from his brother. Played me like a fiddle. He isn't thinking right now, he is having a pity party and using your love for him. There is places he can go to when he is out. Yes there are sober houses and yes there is help to get jobs and get on your feet. But he has to want it, sounds to me he wants the easy way. Just like your husband states, live with you and clean/safe and get drugs.
Be strong and don't give into it. My son did that and more, he is on the run now and alive. He just called after three months looking for money to buy a car. But I said no and he hasn't called since. I can't give in anymore, he was destroying me inside.
He is safe now and will get cleaned again and maybe he will finally release where is life is going if he doesn't change his ways. and UNTIL he makes that choice you can only listen and love him, but don't give in.
We are hear anytime you need to vent/get a hug or cry on our shoulder like we've done before.
be strong lady for you!! xxx
xx
Sue
Thanks Con, you do have a way with words. Yes, he does know I'm the last one standing. Don't worry, I am stronger. I don't show him my weaknesses, I stand my ground. I wait until I get to the car to have my tears, lol....
Thanks Lisa, Yes, our addicts know exactly what to say to try and manipulate. I'll be fine...just a weak moment. I refuse to go backwards with all this.
Thanks,
Michelle
Thanks Lisa, Yes, our addicts know exactly what to say to try and manipulate. I'll be fine...just a weak moment. I refuse to go backwards with all this.
Thanks,
Michelle
That is what is so good about this forum, we can slide backwards for a moment and then a good kick in backside lolol to set us straight again.
Con is always giving that little good advice :) which in it's simplicity works for me!!
xx
Sue
You're so right Sue. I needed the kick in the pants from my husband and you all. It's why I keep coming back!
Hugs
Hugs
Michelle, Your post about your son is SO familiar to so many of us!! Anytime I let my son live with me as an adult, it was a very stressful situation.! When I think back at those times on occasion, I can't believe how nave and blind I was to his drug/ alcohol abuse. It's almost laughable! He recently got out of jail again after over a year and is in a crappy basement efficiency in a crappy bldg where unsavory people live, screaming at each other, etc. That's the emergency housing option DSS offered him. He hates it there but he could've gone to the Volunteers of America or Rescue Mission which offers a great program but apparently he isn't ready for wanting those options. He is on as waiting list for a 30 day rehab in another city. I have to say my son has never made me feel guilty, never stole from me or called me terrible names. He has always thanked me for any little things I have done for him. What was a nightmare when be lived with me now and then was him being high, sleeping long or if not sleeping, up ALL night, not working, denying he was on anything, etc. He is going to be 41, my second husband of 8 yrs. have been raising his 9yr. old daughter since age 3.
The day after getting out of jail last month, he used heroin after.being clean for so long. He said its because he is out of that controlled environment and doesnt seem to be able to function " normal" on the outside without something like suboxine or methadone. I can't seem to understand that reasoning. Maybe Constantine or someone else can enlighten me on that. Papa Bear stresses NA and or AA meetings too and my son says he attends them. Anyway, Michelle, I got off track but like the others say, don't let your son's attitude make you feel guilty, like you haven't done enough, etc. because he IS trying to play you. My husband is like yours. he had his fill with my son and my sons even worse addict wife who is in rehab only because it was that or jail. My husband never had kids so he put up with a lot since he's known me and he is wonderful with our granddaughter. Anyway, stay strong! We will always love our kids but not what they chose to do by their own free will then try to manipulate us.
Peace and love to all of you
The day after getting out of jail last month, he used heroin after.being clean for so long. He said its because he is out of that controlled environment and doesnt seem to be able to function " normal" on the outside without something like suboxine or methadone. I can't seem to understand that reasoning. Maybe Constantine or someone else can enlighten me on that. Papa Bear stresses NA and or AA meetings too and my son says he attends them. Anyway, Michelle, I got off track but like the others say, don't let your son's attitude make you feel guilty, like you haven't done enough, etc. because he IS trying to play you. My husband is like yours. he had his fill with my son and my sons even worse addict wife who is in rehab only because it was that or jail. My husband never had kids so he put up with a lot since he's known me and he is wonderful with our granddaughter. Anyway, stay strong! We will always love our kids but not what they chose to do by their own free will then try to manipulate us.
Peace and love to all of you
Michelle, Yes we all need that kick in the butt now and again. You have every right to be upset though. It must be hard to go visit your son in jail. I don't know if I could do it. I think your son should have been grateful you took the time to go visit him. But he's probably having a rough time not having drugs in there. My daughter was lead the riot act on Monday after finding the syringe under the bathroom mat. She has been gone since Monday and I've not heard from her since. Nothing much I can do as she won't answer her phone. I'm not worrying myself stupid over it either as I'm sick of her just now. I think a lot of us on here are affected by Lynn's sadness of losing her daughter too. So things might be upsetting us more than usual. I know I am utterly devastated about it. The sadness Lynn must be going through must be overwhelming. It's all so heartbreaking! My phone just went and that was my AD, she's been on one of her drug binges. So sick of this lifestyle it just never ends. I fight my sadness to be happy for my grand daughter who is always so happy. I wish I could pack my family up and disappear to somewhere that has no drugs. Unfortunately that's probably the moon because their everywhere. ((hugs)) to you all. Mary.
Thanks for the pep talk ladies! Oh Mary, I'm sorry for you but yes, stay happy for your beautiful little granddaughter. You are her angel and she doesn't even know it.
Yes, I think you're right. I've been emotional since learning about Lynn's daughter. It's our worst nightmare and when it comes to fruition for one of us, it's an in your face reminder that it can happen anytime.
I'm doing fine now, as far as my son's concerned. Con said it right, he knows I'm the last one standing. It's true so he can be relentless. All I had to do was get away from him for a couple hours and I felt better and more objective. I'd love to say he'll get a long stay in jail this time but, with our justice system (at least ours where I live in Michigan), who knows?
Amma65, Yes, all our stories sound relatively similar, don't they? That's why I like to come here because it reminds me that these addicts of ours might as well all be going by the same playbook. It reminds me that they'll say and do almost anything.
Thanks again for my attitude adjustment friends!
Michelle
Yes, I think you're right. I've been emotional since learning about Lynn's daughter. It's our worst nightmare and when it comes to fruition for one of us, it's an in your face reminder that it can happen anytime.
I'm doing fine now, as far as my son's concerned. Con said it right, he knows I'm the last one standing. It's true so he can be relentless. All I had to do was get away from him for a couple hours and I felt better and more objective. I'd love to say he'll get a long stay in jail this time but, with our justice system (at least ours where I live in Michigan), who knows?
Amma65, Yes, all our stories sound relatively similar, don't they? That's why I like to come here because it reminds me that these addicts of ours might as well all be going by the same playbook. It reminds me that they'll say and do almost anything.
Thanks again for my attitude adjustment friends!
Michelle
Thanks Michelle! Well mine has come wandering in and can hardy talk. She's been gone 4 days and is as skinny as anything. How the hell do they get so skinny so fast? I can hardly understand what she's saying as she is talking so quiet, each word is running into the next, and each sentence is running into the next one without any breaks. Her teeth look like dentures that are too big for a persons mouth. What the hell has happened in 4 days? My husband took her money, phones, bag everything and let her go to the spare room. But she's out tomorrow!! I can't put up with this crap when I'm trying to bring up a child here and trying to hide that her mother is a drug addict. She handed her dad a white wax bag, skinny and it has a black spiders web on it and a spider. I don't know what kind of drug it was maybe heroin? I flushed it down the toilet. This is the absolute worst I have ever seen her. I wonder if she was still high the way she was talking or is it depression? She was crying too. I can't have anything to do with her just now, I'm too angry. My grand daughter is asleep and has school tomorrow so all is quiet.I thought she was doing well after the boyfriend episode that's why I let her come home. It was all going pretty good too...now this! Well tomorrow's another day. God help us all. Mary.
Amma
Jail is a controlled environment. ..like a rehab...it's closed...small world...simple rules...even the streets are sometimes simpler...life....the world you take for granted ..isn't to us. ..functioning. ..can be frightening... ..loud...chaotic...the rules complex and sometimes overwhelming when we are clean...the noise...it can be hard trying to handle everything right out of rehab or jail or detox....that's what sober houses or half way houses and aa and na are all about...we use for many reasons...both physical and mental. ..and its a combination...even if I od....im still going to need and want to fix later ...even if ive been clean...im still going to have to fight the want everyday...we learn to function with the dope...its what is familiar to us...safe...hope that helped. ..
con
Jail is a controlled environment. ..like a rehab...it's closed...small world...simple rules...even the streets are sometimes simpler...life....the world you take for granted ..isn't to us. ..functioning. ..can be frightening... ..loud...chaotic...the rules complex and sometimes overwhelming when we are clean...the noise...it can be hard trying to handle everything right out of rehab or jail or detox....that's what sober houses or half way houses and aa and na are all about...we use for many reasons...both physical and mental. ..and its a combination...even if I od....im still going to need and want to fix later ...even if ive been clean...im still going to have to fight the want everyday...we learn to function with the dope...its what is familiar to us...safe...hope that helped. ..
con
Mary- so sorry your having to deal with this. Yes.. That package was heroin. I'm not sure what the markings mean. I know they are all different. When my son OD'd the cops were looking for the bag to see the markings. I think to track to the dealer. I'm not sure. Im glad she handed it over instead of doing it. Sounds like she had enough. Must have been a hell of a 4 day binge for her to look that way.
I know what you mean about trying to protect the little ones. My granddaughter is almost 3 so doesn't understand much. But she knows dad isn't around. We told her he is away working. I dread the day she really knows ....
Hoping today is a better day for you.
Hugs
Lisa
I know what you mean about trying to protect the little ones. My granddaughter is almost 3 so doesn't understand much. But she knows dad isn't around. We told her he is away working. I dread the day she really knows ....
Hoping today is a better day for you.
Hugs
Lisa
Hi Lisa, Yes, I thought it was heroin too. Thanks! I worry that one time she will take that stuff that's laced with something else and she'll OD like your son did. It's a scary life isn't it? I haven't told my grand daughter about her mother yet either. She is 10 now and knows that there's something not right. Your poor little grand daughter too. Thank God she has you. My daughters foot to ankle is all swollen like a balloon and very red. Same one as a while ago. She has it wrapped and I can see its red over the top of the wrap. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just don't want to know. I'm sick of there always being drama. I've shut myself off from it now I think. My husband is letting her stay here another day or so because she can't walk on her foot. I am letting him deal with it all. She hasn't been to the methadone clinic in days either and may be cut off there. Tomorrow will tell. Take care Lisa and thank you! Mary.
Mary- it's never easy. These are our children. And then there are their children. My granddaughter doesn't live with me. Her mom is a good girl and takes good care of her. I take her every other weekend so she can work. It's the least I can do since my son does nothing for her. Plus I enjoy my time with her!! Sassy little girl! Lol. I have 2 boys so she gives me a run for my money at almost 3 !!
Do you know why your daughters foot is swollen? Is there infection? There was a post on here not too long ago about swollen hands and feet. Possibly needles in the feet?
Either way... It is what it is. Sadly .., Nothing we can do.
I'm going to try to have a good weekend since my granddaughter is here! I hope the same for you!!
Hugs!!
Lisa
Do you know why your daughters foot is swollen? Is there infection? There was a post on here not too long ago about swollen hands and feet. Possibly needles in the feet?
Either way... It is what it is. Sadly .., Nothing we can do.
I'm going to try to have a good weekend since my granddaughter is here! I hope the same for you!!
Hugs!!
Lisa
Shell- I've been thinking of you. Hoping your having a better day! I've come to realize it doesn't matter what I say... Do... Force... The situation is what it is
Let's try to enjoy the weekend ...
Hugs!!
Lisa
Let's try to enjoy the weekend ...
Hugs!!
Lisa
Hi Michelle, How are you? Are you going back to visit your son and if so how often are the visits? I know my daughter is waiting on her ex's hearing coming up this month sometime so I assume your son will be having one too and that's when they sentence them. I don't know much about things like that...sorry! Well just want you to know I'm thinking of you! (hugs) Mary.
Hi Lisa, Hope you have a nice weekend with your grand daughter too! (Hugs) Mary.
Lisa,
I'm doing good. What can I say? It's all easier to deal with when I don't have to see my son face to face. I actually don't mind at all that he's in jail. I can write him letters, that he'll actually read, because he's not out searching for dope. I don't worry (as much) about having a cop show up at my door or someone calling from the hospital. He has a roof over his head and food to eat (even though he says it's disgusting). So, yeah, I actually get a little peace of mind while he's in.
I need peace of mind because right now I have too much time on my hands to think. I am not a good patient and I'm going into my 3rd month of being off work for my surgery.
Have you gotten any letters from you son or any phone calls lately? How's he doing? Do you know yet when he'll be sentenced?
Have a good weekend,
Michelle
I'm doing good. What can I say? It's all easier to deal with when I don't have to see my son face to face. I actually don't mind at all that he's in jail. I can write him letters, that he'll actually read, because he's not out searching for dope. I don't worry (as much) about having a cop show up at my door or someone calling from the hospital. He has a roof over his head and food to eat (even though he says it's disgusting). So, yeah, I actually get a little peace of mind while he's in.
I need peace of mind because right now I have too much time on my hands to think. I am not a good patient and I'm going into my 3rd month of being off work for my surgery.
Have you gotten any letters from you son or any phone calls lately? How's he doing? Do you know yet when he'll be sentenced?
Have a good weekend,
Michelle
Hi Michelle
He called last night and told me they woke him up early Wednesday morning telling him he had court. He wasn't supposed to go back to court until the 6th. Well they brought him there to serve another warrant on him. This one is for violation of probation. He had a suspended sentence of 2 years for something he did a few years ago. Now with him violating I believe he will have to do those two years plus whatever time he gets for his most recent issues. (Sigh).
No sentence yet. Maybe when he goes back on the 6th. I'm hoping so I know how long he will be in there before I have to worry about him running the streets again. Hopefully he will learn something from this jail time and come put a better member of society. Only he can decide that though.
So for now I will continue to enjoy sleeping through the night knowing he's safe for the time being. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that. I'm sure you know....
How much longer for recovery from your back surgery? I would be climbing the walls. And yes... WAY too much down time to let your mind wander.
Hope your having a good day!
Lisa
He called last night and told me they woke him up early Wednesday morning telling him he had court. He wasn't supposed to go back to court until the 6th. Well they brought him there to serve another warrant on him. This one is for violation of probation. He had a suspended sentence of 2 years for something he did a few years ago. Now with him violating I believe he will have to do those two years plus whatever time he gets for his most recent issues. (Sigh).
No sentence yet. Maybe when he goes back on the 6th. I'm hoping so I know how long he will be in there before I have to worry about him running the streets again. Hopefully he will learn something from this jail time and come put a better member of society. Only he can decide that though.
So for now I will continue to enjoy sleeping through the night knowing he's safe for the time being. It's been a long time since I've been able to do that. I'm sure you know....
How much longer for recovery from your back surgery? I would be climbing the walls. And yes... WAY too much down time to let your mind wander.
Hope your having a good day!
Lisa
