Just Sayin

If I ever felt like a relapse was coming on; it is now. Not gonna do it. I'm going to go to bed and work tomorrow early but I'm feeling like I have nobody.
work through your feelings.
getting high just isn't an option. what will it accomplish? not much right. your strong. think about it.
one min or pleasure = many of pain.

raerae

what made you feel this way?
Jeez Alice.
What's up? Is life intruding into your sobriety?

I hate it when that happens.

But using is no longer an option, is it? We have to get to the place where using isn't an option don't we?
For me, it's a combination of maturity, faith, knowledge, and a big dose of guts. We have to just man-up at some point. Grow some balls and deal with s*** without the crutch of drugs.

Or not.

I used from the age of sixteen till the age of fifty-six. I'm not good at math, but that's a lot of years. I've gone through thousands and thousands of pain pill scripts. Shot heroin till all the veins in my arms and hands collapsed and I just had to shoot it in my a**. I've traveled to Thailand and Mexico to buy it and smuggle it back to sell, but ended up just doing most of it myself. I've been to jail because of it, been to the hospital because of it.

In the end, like many, I had to get to a very, very low place before I just could finally just stand back and see the folly of it all.
And ask for help.

I'm worth it and so are you, Alice.
I know you said you're not going to use. Thank you.
M
Hey Now,

Thanks for putting that out there Alice. I could state the obvious, but good old Mark and Rae Rae beat me to it.

I love that people lurk around the board waiting for the right posts to chime in on, that is so cool.

We are always around Alice, it's what we do.

Personaly I have found that the results of being here are better than being there.

This month me and a dude who is clean have taken over the talk at the plant, (not easy to do).

We call it our Call of the Wild theroy.

Remember the book, I just reread it.

See that's who I am. I am Buck.

I am wild, I have tried to tame myself, others have tried to tame me. I thought I found answers in dope, in marriage, in kids, in recovery.

But f***, or should I say Buck is there man, The call of the wild, now the last thing I want to do is tame it, I give up not being wild, see that's what I was doing with the dope, trying to be a good sled dog, but even dope did not extinguish that s*** man.

Yes indeed the Call of the Wild, the last thing i want to do today is buy into that fake bulls*** call, the dope.

You know in the book, Buck meets that thorton dude and he loves thorton but even that can't quench the call of the wild.

So just for today, I am running free in the woods, girl being me.

I have answered the Call of the wild, in the end that's what I had to accept. The cry to be me as created has won.

I don't want to mush. mush, mush...that's what dope makes me do.

Nah, man I want run free with the other Bucks.

Are you a Buck, Alice?

Joe
Thanks Rae Rae, Mark and Deadhead. I just had to get it out there. I never felt so close. You know thoughts of using pop in all the time. It's what I have done for so long that it never really worried me because I would pop it right back out. This time it felt different. It felt like the moment before I actually called someone and planned out the relapse. That kneejerk reaction to pick up the phone and go running. Sometimes the emotional pain is so great.

I've heard of the book Deadhead but never read it. Yea, your post struck because I sound alot like Buck. I felt like using because I don't feel like bucking the family anymore. My husbands role is to keep the peace. Mine is not. If I I not happy with the something, I confront it. Kids know it and run to him because I'm "crazy". My 14 year old has been hanging with a new crowd of kids that are all about four loko, weed and hand jobs in the park. I know this because I am friends with the kids on facebook. They're too dumb to remember that they befriended me a year ago (when they were innocents). I've told her that I don't dislike the kids but am not allowing her to go out without a destination (the park ain't good enough). Trying to steer her towards the kids whose parents I know. He just wants peace. Peace at all costs. I know I'm not perfect. I need to learn to choose my battles and also when to battle. To give up some control. I also know what I did at 14 and where it led me. It's hard for a manipulator to be manipulated. My psychologist told me that saying stuff and doing it are not always the same thing. Thank God for that. I am the family villian. I'm tired of it.
Alice, I know you won't use, depite the feelings...

That's the same dynamic that we had in my house when the girls were growing up...I danced that dance and then blamed him when I was tired of it. He was benevolent Daddy and I was "psycho", often with an additional epithet tagged onto the end...my fault as much as anyone's as my control issues 'made me' take the disciplinary reins and allowed my husband to coast...at least that's how I saw it then. Now I see that my husband's mellowness struck a balance with my ways which were more rigid. Yeah, he got off the hook a lot, but I hung myself on that same hook as often...I wonder whether you are doing the same, Alice. I see so much of my parenting past in your situation...I hope I'm not overstepping or projecting.

QUOTE
I also know what I did at 14 and where it led me. It's hard for a manipulator to be manipulated.

Ugh, I thought exactly the same way..."don't make my mistakes" and all that. But you know, it's like their job to try things out, find all the wrong friends...especially when they've had some difficulty fitting in. I understand your concern for C, all the hurt and desperation...she is at risk for negative behaviors, but you already know you can't control, only guide. Try not to let fear rule you. You have my email if you need a shoulder.

Peace ~ M&M

Thanks Mom. Of course you're not overstepping. I had to put my situation out there. I truly value the feedback from my friends on here. Of course I have a hand in all of it. Now that I've calmed down some I can start to look at that.

The funny thing is that this is not C but rather little BB. I know now that in addition to standing for Beautiful B it can stand for big b****, ball buster, ha, ha. Sorry mods. Please don't ban me. She is my sweet little one with all the friends. Now she hates me. I know that she has to make her own way but at 14 I still feel I should have some control (I know i know).

Anyway on a positive note, C was scouted up in Rochester. She is going to an invitational only scout camp in Canada in the spring. They pick the best 200 girls from the US and Canada. There will only be 32 goalies and she will be the youngest one. I am so proud and happy for her. God is great and my prayers were answered in the best possible way. She has even worked out her differences with the one girl who gave her so much trouble. All in Gods time I'm coming to realize.

So I didn't use drugs but I ate some mango cheesecake. My husband has been fawning over me today but little B never sent an apology my way. I'm speaking to her but can't bring myself to show her affection just yet. (I failed to mention that she told me she was going to knock my head into the wall as she was walking out the door)

I have to get to a meeting soon. Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving.
Ah, I should have known it was B when you said 14...of course, C will always be 14 to me since our cyber friends and their kids don't age until we are reminded that they do ;-)

Good for C! I am so happy for her! And that B of yours is testing MY recovery with what I would have liked to say to her on the way out the door...ick.

Peace ~ M&M
Alice,

One of the healthiest things I did for myself is unfriend my daughters on FB. Not my business.

And you have no control, none and there is one that can restore you to sanity if you ask for help & seek the help.

Good to see you're going to hit a meeting, that would have been one of my first suggestions along with calling your sponsor. We're never alone, we just choose to isolate & push away at times....very dangerous territory and good for you for putting it out here as there are no guarantee's we won't pick up, as much as it isn't an option, it is always a possibility if we're not doing what we need to do on a daily basis.

xoxo
Stacey
Hey Alice

Hope all is well. I wish I could say I was able to get passed my own head in my butt but can't...i frigged up on saturday. It was coming.
Thanks Stacey. I always wondered how some people seem to keep such tight reigns on their kids. I never wanted to be that way but wish I was less permissive in the past. It is coming back to bite when when I want to pull the reigns back a bit.

Heather - I'm sorry about you screwing up. What are you going to do now? Please stick around and continue to get help. You are so worth it!
Hi Alice hope you are well. I for one kept tight reins on my son and daughter. My daughter was a straight A student. When she became a freshman in high school they wanted her to start doing college classes cause she was so advanced. My son on the other hand hated school from day 1. He came home from his first day of kindergarten and asked how long he had to go to school for lol. None the less I kept them on the right road until my ex started telling me that I shouldnt be telling them anything anymore. They were 14 and 15. Got tired of hearing it so I gave in and told her to have at it. Well within a short 3 months my daughter 15 went from A's to F's. Ended up pregnant and never finished school Her goal was to become a lawyer and then a judge one day. Well now she has 2 kids and works for a day care and tells me how right I was. My son is in prison at the moment and also tells me how right I was. I had said on a post once that I didnt regret anything in my life. Well I stand corrected. I regret listening to my ex and giving in. If I would had just stuck to my guns my kids would have totally different lives at the moment.

No one has to be taught to do the wrong thing. It comes naturaly. Thats why we have to teach our kids to do the right thing even if they hate us for it. They will understand when they are no longer kids. Now my kids understand and tell me they should have just listened to me. But we cant turn back the clock to do it all over again.

Dont know what I was really trying to say Alice, just thought I would say something.

God Bless....
Hey Now,

Hope your feeling better Alice.

Parenting..yeah.

it's like recovery right the 2 things you should share with another parent your experience and your encouragement.

I know for me by 14 which is right where i am at with one of my daughters it;s not so much daily instruction. It;s more a pick my battel stratigacly where I can have the greatest input.

I guess I am of the ilk, where posting the 10 commandts in my daughter room and having her memorize them is'nt going make her not kill.

So to speak.

What I can do is teach, guide direct and share. and Let go.

If i have learned anything by communing daily with God over the last 20 years it's that real love provides choice, it just does, it also doesn't rcoginize occupation. But it does seem to care about character.

A money grabbing lawyer or a loving day care worker-is there even a compariosn on which onr is Great.

Personally I think the world would be a far greater place with more day care workers and fewer f***ing lawyers,

Peace
What I can do is teach, guide direct and share. and Let go.


Amen.

Alice,
All that "control" and tight reigns is just an illusion, seriously. You and I both know, deep in our heart, that there comes a time with our kids that they know right from wrong and it's no longer about us, it's about them learning to make their choices and either face the consquences for their wrong actions or experience the satisfaction & joy from doing the right actions, this is called growing up and maturing. I'm not saying it's easy, not one iota, I'm saying it's simple. You should have seen me the other day just itching to jump into my 19yr old daughters life, I looked like a caged tiger inside but I practiced the principles of the program and paused, processed and prayed.

If you don't like what they are posting on FB, deactivate them until they are more responsible. And instead of "battling" all of them (which I how I used to feel at times), sit down with your husband, lay out what is bothering you and ask him how he'd approach the situation and find common ground.

Parenting is heartbreak & joy.

Now, back to you. Did you hit that meeting? Call your sponsor? What step are you currently on, Alice?

Much love & respect,
Stacey