hey Jess, was getting ready to close up for the night and decided to take a look before i did... figured we could start a different thread instead of a i need help one...though i suppose thats just as good...lol...oh ya...weepy scared...think it comes in cycles...stays for a little while and then goes...i dont get how they never find the hep c either...i was in clinics, docs and everywhere else they drew my blood and they never found it ...and it seems latley like everyone is coming up with it...makes u wonder..and thats just crazy... telling u the meds they got u on is hurting the hep c...so what they think thats gonna help...jeesh..think i would find out what level the hep c is...any kind of alternatives ?..and how long is the therapy they got u now on...dont get so scared u go under with it..ok?..fear paralyses sometimes and then thats just not a help..thinking about what might be is also not so good...hell, i can scare myself to death just by thinking..lol..so try an fight the fear if u can so u can do what u need to do...man..being an addict is miserable sometimes even when your not being addicted...well...one thing at a time right now...all we can do...one step and then another...get thru the tests and the day and go from there...scared is natural.. try to b as positive as u can...all kinds of stuff they got these days..i try to remember that when im real scared...just have to take it slow and pray to whatever we can...NJ ...hey ur on the east coast where i grew up..up in mass...do u have a group or any meetings u go to ?...sometimes it just feels good to go and sit and listen...calming in a way...even a chance to meet someone who might know a better doc..hang in there jessi...sooner or later we will get it all out and right...we just got to take it slow...trying is all we can do...try to find one thing that makes u laugh today...we can heal ourselves in so many ways if we try...right...look whose talking..lol...take care...be good to yourself today
con
Hey Con!! :) The meds they have me on now dont make the Hep c worse, they are just hard on my liver so its just an extra strain. I haven't started therapy for the Hep yet and the meds Im on now are for the HIV so I guess I'll be on them forever...unless they find a cure. For the most part I do stay real positive cause if my mom senses any sadness or fear she gets very upset so I try to keep my attitude very strong and upbeat. When I come on here I can just be a little more honest about my feelings. As for going to meetings...I had 2 years in the rooms...a long time ago...Every time I talk about this I feel kinda dumb and weak, but my time out on the streets did some real damage. I grew up in a middle class Italian home and the last 10 years were spent on the streets of Trenton (not a nice place) I thought I was ok. I was too high to be really afraid. Terrible things happened to me, knives to my throat, guns in my face, and many many beatings. I was pretty tough. I got through it, but once the drugs were gone I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I have flashbacks of all the things that should have terrified me then and Im still really jumpy around people...I dont go out by myself much and meetings would be hard cause there would be too many people all in one place. Being afraid of the world does help me stay sober. LOL! Thats a perk, but for now I have this site. Its working for me.
So, your from Mass? I guess Germany was a way bigger culture shock than me going to the South from Jersey? How long have you been there? Are you very homesick? I would be. I hated Jersey but I still miss it so much sometimes. Good-Night.
So, your from Mass? I guess Germany was a way bigger culture shock than me going to the South from Jersey? How long have you been there? Are you very homesick? I would be. I hated Jersey but I still miss it so much sometimes. Good-Night.
Janet Evanovich !! LOL..Stephanie Plum....someone got me hooked on her books awhile back...shes always out in Trenton !...makes me LMAO...fun books...nawww Germany was actually a relief to me...culture is similiar in many ways...a bit of a shock but way not as much than coming up from the south...you would like it here i think...its a slower qualitity of life in ways...gentler on some levels...though the streets are maybe stranger ...things you dont think much about living in ur own country become frightening in weird ways out here...anywyas...knives, guns, beatings...beat for ur dope...guns on the table and at ur head...thanks for reminding me i dont want to go back either...agree meetings are uncomfortable at times...but i go...understand though why u wouldnt want to...took me many years to get that jump out of my bones around people .....maybe u dont need the damn hep c therapy at all then...its ugly and for the most part doesnt even work on everyone...waste of time and money and pain if u ask me...dont know ur levels though...one thing at a time..get stable first...u sound a bit better ?...i hope so...suppose i should check in w my sponsor dude...feels almost like probabtion ..not too sure i want to tell him what ive been up to latley...but other than that, im getting ready to go to work and start another day :)...smiles coming at you
LOL! I love the Stephanie Plum novels. I started reading them in jail, well one of my times in jail. I loved them cause I could picture the places she was talking about and I couldn't wait to get back there. I stopped reading at like book 11. I had had enough of Trenton. I did love the character. She kinda reminded me of a younger version of my mom. LMAO! I dont think my mom would appreciate that, but its true she is Italian and she had the long crazy hair and she is/was crazy. The family dynamics in that book were interesting too and her relationship to them. Just like my mom.:) The only thing that was off about that book was the fact that the Italian family was very Jewish. (I guess cause the writer is.) I know cause my step dad is Jewish so I really got the best of 2 worlds. In the book it seems to me they ate pot roast alot. I dont remember my Italian G-Ma cooking pot roast but my Jewish G-Ma did....like every time we went there. Pot Roast, Roast Chicken and Kugel. :) My Italian G-mas are still alive and still living together. My Great Grandma is 103. She is great. She came through Ellis Island twice and always had great stories to tell.
I am doing pretty good mentally today. My kids are driving me crazy...Its really hard. I was never really a mom to them. I mean I would come around. I tried to be there for b-days and Christmas. But I wasn't there and I didn't raise them. I came home to a 16 year old boy, 13 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. For the most part they were very kind, loving, and forgiving until they get mad. Then the girl is like "I hate you! You were never here for me" Finally after being home for 4 years she doesn't say that anymore. We get along really good. I think both my older ones feel bad for me cause my youngest is just like me and his Dad only 10 times worse. Well Im sorry, that was alot of family history. :) Sometimes I start talking (typing) and I just cant shut up.
How long have you been there? Do you ever go home for visits? Well have a great night, Thanx for always listening.
I am doing pretty good mentally today. My kids are driving me crazy...Its really hard. I was never really a mom to them. I mean I would come around. I tried to be there for b-days and Christmas. But I wasn't there and I didn't raise them. I came home to a 16 year old boy, 13 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. For the most part they were very kind, loving, and forgiving until they get mad. Then the girl is like "I hate you! You were never here for me" Finally after being home for 4 years she doesn't say that anymore. We get along really good. I think both my older ones feel bad for me cause my youngest is just like me and his Dad only 10 times worse. Well Im sorry, that was alot of family history. :) Sometimes I start talking (typing) and I just cant shut up.
How long have you been there? Do you ever go home for visits? Well have a great night, Thanx for always listening.
LOVE the family history...cracks me up...gma mazur probably is like my gma was...i just love her in the books...i think a big italian family would be xcellent !...dysfunctional as all hell...guess thats why i like the books too...makes me laugh at my own dysfunctional absolutly insane family...ha ha...irish catholic..with an indian part of the family that lived on a reservation..and italian cousins..go figure...4 generations in one house...my gma and mom always fighting...no, cant say i miss it too much...i never fit in for some reason...my moms a nut...love her somewhere deep down...but just cant be around her...left when i was 16...im so damn late this morning that i got to make this short...got home late last night...went to a meeting and almost fell asleep...lol....i'll check back later...need job...ha ha...:)
Hey! We have Irish Catholics in our family too. :) My moms uncle married an Irish lady and they had 3 kids. They divorced and he wound up back in my Grandmas house too.So his kids (my second cousins) were there all the time. They all looked more Italian than me, Grandma called them "black Irish" They had black hair and eyes. Really, it said it on my one cousins DL, Eyes: black. I was jealous. I had blond hair and blue eyes. My dad was not Italian, but he left when I was 2 so that big Italian family was all I ever knew. I wanted so bad to look more Italian, till my Great Grandma explained that she is from Northern Italy and I do look like them. As a matter of fact I looked like her. She showed me pictures of herself, when she was young and she had blond hair and blue eyes. I always knew she had blue eyes but her hair had gone white very young. She was great. We also had 4 generations in one house. Well it was a 2 family house. My Great Grandparents lived upstairs but the doors were kept open and we always ate together. My mom was the "wild child" so she was always fighting with my Grandma too. I would just run upstairs to be with my Great Grandma. I use to call them Grandma Upstairs and Grandma Downstairs..Still do sometimes. :) They were so dysfunctional. Everybody drank. My moms dad died drunk driving when she was 16, but that's something we were NEVER to talk about. My moms uncle was a cop and total alcoholic. Even the kids were aloud to have a tiny bit of wine at dinner. I didn't like the taste but I already loved the feeling. My Grandma would put Coke/Pepsi in mine to make it taste better....that's crazy, but they didn't know any better. The first time I got willfully drunk was on my 7th birthday. I was a mess. I guess I still am. I still miss it so much. Sometimes I really have to shake my head to get out of a fantasy about getting high. Dope wasn't even my DOC but that's usually where my mind goes these days. Im going through so much with my youngest. Same old story hes 14, drinking smoking pot and going to jail. Which means Im in and out of court, cops are showing up at my door...thought I was done with court, cops and jail. Then there is the fear. My son is biracial. He wasn't raised with racism so he doesn't get it. Hes almost 6 ft tall and he talks so much crap to the cops Im afraid they will kill him one of these days. Hes so big but he is very immature. Anyway,guess that's why my mind goes to the dope, for the peace it brings and cause its not my DOC. My addiction tries to tell me that I can handle it, that its not like crack where you need more and more...such lies. :) Then I remind myself of cold turkey detox in jail...UGH! that helps. NEVER EVER want to do that again. I hope your day is good. P.S. Please let me know if I am ever getting annoying. I spend so much time in my head. Im sorry if you feel I have latched on to you....guess I kinda did. Sorry. I hate seeming needy. LOL! Dont worry if your ever tired and dont feel like responding I promise :) I wont fall apart.
Hey Jess...just wrote you back a whole thing and then...it dissapeared...auughh...been that kind of day... im glad you "latched" on ..i live in my head too...in fact your the only one ive even spoken to all week...your not annoying...i was going to tell u the same ..lol...its a riot on the family...im the black eyed, black haired one and everyone else is fair skinned and blond, blue eyed..just th opposite of you..and grndma and grandpa upstairs with great granma and grnpa and my mom, dad, bro and me downstairs...what a huge crazy loud mess...but ur right...sometimes i can look back and miss it a bit...i look like my great grndma too...but didnt know because her hair was white also...many years later i figured out if i looked like any of them...it was her...ur 14 year old taking you back to the places you wanted to never go back to huh...thats rough...im not good on kids...none of my own..whats the fam board say?..they're good with that and they're some x addicts too that can give u some good ideas..cant even beleive your handling it all like ur doing...your stronger than u think...really...i dont think i would last 5 minutes in your place right now...hell ive been feeling so disconnected latley ...like im not anywhere anymore...havent spoken to anyone like i said all week...cant find the words...im like half in and half not...half on methadone, half not, half in the meetings half not..half using, half not...im upping myself on the methadone like everyday and still not feeling it..im using some on top ..and its like the more i use the worse i feel so the more i use...great huh ?..i cant figure myself out and i cant seem to let God either...i go to the meetings and cant seem to speak..guilt probably..cuz then i cry on the way home...get home and then pretend everything is fine...all i can say truthfully is i wish i could just go bang...bang and not think...i know its not the answer, dont get me wrong...but...really...latley im just so tired of it all...recovery, life, me, everything...i dont mean to whine...hell, i sound depressing to myself even...and im sorry...i just dont know where i am anymore...im scared of everything...fear, sadness...everything....crazy...i know...and like u...only way i know how to cope is to use...go bang...forget...everything easier to deal with because nothing gets through and then nothing is as scarey...pretty feeble...i know...u think i would at least have a huge reason or something..dont even know if i went up all the way back to my normal dose of methadone ...if thats even what i want...cant figure anything out...im like on auto pilot...maybe angry...but i cant even get the strength up to figure out why im angry...nothng seems worth it anymore...maybe my endomorphins are mis firing or something...lol...anyways...i dont know how you are handling everything your handling...respect jessi...ur being awesome and u dont even know it...i write my neice...she has cystic fibrosis and is in her early twenties...shes having a horrible time of it right now...she writes me and i try to say all the right and best things and be honest with her and i feel so inadequate because she trusts me and i love her so much...but what do u say to a kid whose dying ?...i pray she heals...pray to take me instead...pray shes going to pull it off and make it...what else can i do...crap...now im just rambling tonight...the fear for your kids must be a hundred times worse...i wish i knew sometimes why we all do what we do...addicts...go figure....were just something other than i guess...aw well, gnite jess...im making myself and everyone around me crazy...forgive me tonight...im just so not myself latley...
con
con
You are not making me crazy and you are not depressing. Im so glad to have you as a friend. I know that must sound crazy. You dont even know me but than again, everyone on this site knows me better than any of the people around me. I get being scared of everything and (UGHHH! WISH I COULD TYPE BETTER. I think so much faster than my fingers move. LOL) Where was I? Oh ya, I get being scared and feeling like I lost myself. I usta be strong ,now Im like this scared little bird and I hate it. I was in an abusive relationship for years, well 2 abusive relationships actually cause my husband and I split up for about 2 years and I was out on the street, made terrible decisions. I had a girl friend for a little while but she got locked up and I was gonna get kicked out of the hotel I was in...so this guy comes along. Tells me to trust him with 40 dollars and he would make everything ok. Yeah, big mistake. He did help me keep my room but I was just so weak that I was happy when he moved in. He was a real low level drug dealer, more like a pimp. But there was always drugs, as long as I kept bringing in money. He beat my a** for 2 years. Hes the one that first gave me dope. He loved having THAT control over me. Whenever I tried to leave him he would get me blackballed. So I left, went back to Trenton, back to my husband who is crazy too but at least I knew he loved me...What the heck am I talking about? I feel like I go off on these tangents (i cant spell that :) you know what I mean) I was with my husband for 13 years. On and off we both spent alot of time locked up. I thought he was crazy cause of crack but last time he came home he stayed sober for 10 months and he was still crazy. He always thought I was looking at somebody, smiling at somebody, talking to somebody. He was always trying to catch me. I was scared all the time, cause out on the streets he would beat me...and he hit me a few times when he was sober too. I was just so scared. I spent years afraid to look up cause he might say Im looking at somebody.I couldn't have ANY friends guys or girls cause in his mind I couldn't be trusted with either. So I just got more and more isolated. Most of the time I didn't even care cause I had sooo many scary experiences with men. Lots of guys who go to hookers do it cause they are jerks. They want to treat females bad but cant in the real world. I built up a fear and hatred towards men. They weren't all bad, some were really sweet. Anyway, went off subject again. I never realized how screwed up my brain is till I started writing on here and realized it is really hard for me to focus on one subject. My brain is all over the place. Back to my husband, I made him leave about a year and a half ago. It was really hard...still is. I always believed we would get sober and have a great life and he still does. Swears everything will be different this time. That's what he says every time.
I am so sorry to hear about your niece. I know how hard it is when a young person in the family is sick. My cousin died about 10 or 15 years ago. She had some crazy cancer. That old people are suppose to get. My mom has a brother and sister. They both had 2 kids each and they were "perfect kids" I was the oldest out of all the cousins and I was always in trouble. They were all always Great...I was kinda resentful. Family functions were hard. Anyway, my cousin Katie was the best one out of all of us. Sweet, smart and beautiful. She was 24 when she died. I was in jail....I had such a hard time looking at my Aunt and Uncle after that. How could they not look at me and think it should have been me. That's what I felt. I deserve to die so much more than she did. When I finally did talk to them and told them my feelings they were horrified that I felt that way. They never thought it should have been me....good people.
Thanx for telling me Im doing good with my kids. I feel like such a bad mom. I try so hard. To be "mom like" But Im a big kid. In some ways its great. My daughter says her friends parents never hang out and watch movies with them. Not that her friends feel comfortable hanging out with their parents. They all love me. My daughter is very good, (good grades plays sports goes to church) She says I am very annoying sometimes...That I act like a 12 year old. LOL! My boys and all their crazy friends love me too. They all smoke pot and I have good conversations about where their life is headed but they all know I love them. My friends parents were cruel to me growing up. I wont treat anybody like that....my problem is when my youngest yells at me or gets in my face...I tend to revert. He says terrible things to me curses at me, calls me horrible names and gets in my face like hes gonna hit me. I TRY I TRY so hard to act like a grown up, like a normal mom...but sometimes when he curses in my face..I curse right back. He calls me names and I do it right back. Last time he tried to bully me (he is 6 in taller than me) I grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall...Ive been beat too much. He cannot get in my face like that. Its so hard...but we are very close and we always make up and talk later...he acts so tough but he would sleep in my bed if I let him...cause hes still my baby. Not that I let him, but he stills tries to pretend to fall asleep in my bed...We have court again tomorrow, first degree B and E.
I pretend everything is fine too. HIV wears me down sometimes. I just get so tired but my boys dont know so Im always putting a smile on my face and make dinner, give rides, clean, Ya know all those normal mom things. Then I go in the bathroom and put my head in my lap cause Im so tired. I try not to do that too often cause sitting on toilets reminds me of getting high and forgetting the world...I want to run away sometimes just go back to what I know. I can relate to you feeling "half in half out" Just dont ever give up on the half that is "half in" :) and dont ever feel too guilty to talk in a meeting. Its your meeting, say whatever you have to say. Screw anyone who doesn't like it...you'll probably just get losta hugs after....and thats a good thing, right? Haha Try to have a good night. :)
I am so sorry to hear about your niece. I know how hard it is when a young person in the family is sick. My cousin died about 10 or 15 years ago. She had some crazy cancer. That old people are suppose to get. My mom has a brother and sister. They both had 2 kids each and they were "perfect kids" I was the oldest out of all the cousins and I was always in trouble. They were all always Great...I was kinda resentful. Family functions were hard. Anyway, my cousin Katie was the best one out of all of us. Sweet, smart and beautiful. She was 24 when she died. I was in jail....I had such a hard time looking at my Aunt and Uncle after that. How could they not look at me and think it should have been me. That's what I felt. I deserve to die so much more than she did. When I finally did talk to them and told them my feelings they were horrified that I felt that way. They never thought it should have been me....good people.
Thanx for telling me Im doing good with my kids. I feel like such a bad mom. I try so hard. To be "mom like" But Im a big kid. In some ways its great. My daughter says her friends parents never hang out and watch movies with them. Not that her friends feel comfortable hanging out with their parents. They all love me. My daughter is very good, (good grades plays sports goes to church) She says I am very annoying sometimes...That I act like a 12 year old. LOL! My boys and all their crazy friends love me too. They all smoke pot and I have good conversations about where their life is headed but they all know I love them. My friends parents were cruel to me growing up. I wont treat anybody like that....my problem is when my youngest yells at me or gets in my face...I tend to revert. He says terrible things to me curses at me, calls me horrible names and gets in my face like hes gonna hit me. I TRY I TRY so hard to act like a grown up, like a normal mom...but sometimes when he curses in my face..I curse right back. He calls me names and I do it right back. Last time he tried to bully me (he is 6 in taller than me) I grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall...Ive been beat too much. He cannot get in my face like that. Its so hard...but we are very close and we always make up and talk later...he acts so tough but he would sleep in my bed if I let him...cause hes still my baby. Not that I let him, but he stills tries to pretend to fall asleep in my bed...We have court again tomorrow, first degree B and E.
I pretend everything is fine too. HIV wears me down sometimes. I just get so tired but my boys dont know so Im always putting a smile on my face and make dinner, give rides, clean, Ya know all those normal mom things. Then I go in the bathroom and put my head in my lap cause Im so tired. I try not to do that too often cause sitting on toilets reminds me of getting high and forgetting the world...I want to run away sometimes just go back to what I know. I can relate to you feeling "half in half out" Just dont ever give up on the half that is "half in" :) and dont ever feel too guilty to talk in a meeting. Its your meeting, say whatever you have to say. Screw anyone who doesn't like it...you'll probably just get losta hugs after....and thats a good thing, right? Haha Try to have a good night. :)
Hey Jess...wow...long day today but it ended pretty good for a change...finally broke down and called my sponsor...we talked for about 2 hours and...whew...i feel much better...he's a good soul and manages to get me to listen....that whole methadone thing and everything latley has been just griding me into the ground...i feel lighter...thanks for being here thru the dark hours with me...think if it hadnt been for you i wouldnt have called...so thanks for being you...:)...oh man...fear...lots of it too...i grew up with humiliation as my moms weapon and her fists...always have seemed to pick the people who do the same thing to me to be with too...over and over...the last time...i got lucky and have pretty good partner now...but we went thru it real hard for awhile too way back...violent drunk and i got slammed up against alot of walls...lots of furniture broken...when i was a kid i remember hiding in my bedroom while my mom smashed up the house...my little brother would crawl in and i would try to make him not so scared...then she would leave and my dad would tell me to take care of my bro while he wnet out after her...i must have been about 5...it was scary...it didnt get a whole better as i got older...but...thats the past now...and though sometimes i still wake up with nightmares and screaming...i handle it better than i use to...so, ya...i totally get fear...fear of being hurt...hiding under the table with the dog as my partner destroyed the house...bad years...tough times...my partner doesnt drink anymore except for an occasional beer now...and imgrateful more than anything for that...could be because i finally got so messed up on the smack, not coming home anymore...that something just changed ...in fact it was my partner this time who looked for help...called the clinics and the doc to get me some care and on the methadone...first time actually in my whole life anyone ever did that for me...so good things can come from bad stuff sometimes...sometimes....your boy sounds angry...thats got to be too much of a reminder of the fear...i know when people get angry or yell i get really really nervous and jittery...its a huge trigger for me to use...always...frightening ....frightening if you've lived with that kind of thing...takes a lot of time to heal...your doing your best Jess ...thats a hard thing....im glad though that he knows you love him...maybe he will heal inside too...got to be some scars there too...carzy isnt it ?...its the main reason i decided to not have kids...wanted to break the cycle...that and i didnt think i could handle them and me too..lol...all respect to you...how u doing today ?...im so glad to be feeling like im crawling up out of that deep dark hole a bit...went to the clinic to get my TH today and one of nurses there was actually nice and took a few minutes to ask how i was doing...thats WAY out of character for that place...i was stunned...havent seen her before so maybe shes new...i was grateful to be able to just say...not so good...depression has been bad....she talked about maybe meds or whatnots...it didnt matter...was just nice that someone actually asked and cared enough to stop....crazy aye ?...whew...couch time now...i hope u have a good day today too...oh...now this is weird....almost too weird....my neice ?....same name and the same age as your cousin?...that passed.....sent shivers....way way strange huh ?... ya know what..sometimes i think its just good to be able to talk to another addict...or someones whose journey with dope is somewhat simliair in ways....someone who knows without having to explain...i've heard people say it a hundred times but i dont think it really hit me until u started talking...it does help.....thanks jess
Con
Con
HI Con! Im so glad your day ended good and that you talked to your sponsor. You deserve peace and happiness. We all do. I think we punish ourselves alot. I know for myself personally it is very hard for me to get passed the pain Ive caused others, especially my kids. It was hard for me to believe I deserve happiness. And my idea of happiness was so screwed up. My happiness was all centered on whether I was with my husband or not...but ya know what? I was a little healthier when he came home this time. It started the same, with me just putting up with the bull and then we started fighting, and then we used...blah blah blah always the same pattern. The only difference was THIS time I looked at my kids and said "no way" No Way was I leaving them again. I had been straight for almost 2 years when we messed up and I was just done. I made him leave. I can relate to hiding with the dog, husband not an animal person. Worse than that he was jealous of my dog too. He was jealous of anything that I loved. I was afraid for my dog...that is crazy, right? but I was really scared he might hurt my dog, when we were fighting I would always try to keep the dog safe.
My childhood was crazy too...and I was in such denial that I thought it was great. I went to my first rehab at about age 13 and when I heard stories like yours, my heart would break cause I thought I had it so good. I was never hit, but nobody was paying enough attention to me....and I was sexually abused, by my step-dad, my best friends dad, the babysitter, another friends dad. Nobody paid attention...until I was like a daily drinker by age 13. I was already drinking as much as I could when I was 11. The first time I sold myself I was 12....Had an abortion and tried to kill myself when I was 13. Childhood, if you want to call it that was hell. but i still think I was pretty lucky. Im really glad no one beat me; and my mom, though clueless loved me sooo much. We were close. I was an only child... I was truly loved. I feel very blessed for that.
My son is angry...but mostly we fight cause he smokes pot and cigarettes and he asks for money. I say no and he acts like any other addict who doesn't get what they want, He just has some other issues, yes anger, but sever ADHD, below average IQ and now they are saying bi polar. But when I say no and hes trying to go out and do his thing...he just wont give up. Its bad and Ive had to call the cops so many times cause he starts breaking things. Went to court today...they are talking about locking him up till hes 18. I want him to get help, not just go to jail, they dont have any thing for juveniles here. The programs they do have are getting cut. The last thing Im trying is to get him into this Wilderness camp, Its his last chance then its out of my hands. They want him locked up cause the court keeps giving him chances and he keeps getting new charges...I feel so guilty about the relief feel that they want to lock him up...I love him. Im just too tired. Every single day is a struggle with him.
Im so glad that God put a kind hearted person in your path today. That is one great thing about the south alot of people are SO nice. Way different than up north. I spent so much time looking at the floor, that when Im not terrified I try to give people kindness.
Im glad that anything I say helps.....Hey! Thanx for being you too.:) Good-Night. Ps It Is really strange the similarities between my cuz and your niece. That is really wierd.
My childhood was crazy too...and I was in such denial that I thought it was great. I went to my first rehab at about age 13 and when I heard stories like yours, my heart would break cause I thought I had it so good. I was never hit, but nobody was paying enough attention to me....and I was sexually abused, by my step-dad, my best friends dad, the babysitter, another friends dad. Nobody paid attention...until I was like a daily drinker by age 13. I was already drinking as much as I could when I was 11. The first time I sold myself I was 12....Had an abortion and tried to kill myself when I was 13. Childhood, if you want to call it that was hell. but i still think I was pretty lucky. Im really glad no one beat me; and my mom, though clueless loved me sooo much. We were close. I was an only child... I was truly loved. I feel very blessed for that.
My son is angry...but mostly we fight cause he smokes pot and cigarettes and he asks for money. I say no and he acts like any other addict who doesn't get what they want, He just has some other issues, yes anger, but sever ADHD, below average IQ and now they are saying bi polar. But when I say no and hes trying to go out and do his thing...he just wont give up. Its bad and Ive had to call the cops so many times cause he starts breaking things. Went to court today...they are talking about locking him up till hes 18. I want him to get help, not just go to jail, they dont have any thing for juveniles here. The programs they do have are getting cut. The last thing Im trying is to get him into this Wilderness camp, Its his last chance then its out of my hands. They want him locked up cause the court keeps giving him chances and he keeps getting new charges...I feel so guilty about the relief feel that they want to lock him up...I love him. Im just too tired. Every single day is a struggle with him.
Im so glad that God put a kind hearted person in your path today. That is one great thing about the south alot of people are SO nice. Way different than up north. I spent so much time looking at the floor, that when Im not terrified I try to give people kindness.
Im glad that anything I say helps.....Hey! Thanx for being you too.:) Good-Night. Ps It Is really strange the similarities between my cuz and your niece. That is really wierd.
gmorning jess,
wilderness camp would be a great thing i think for ur son...i agree...he needs help and not juvie jail...learn better tools for his head in the camp...a great thing !...i so hope he gets the chance to do it...no shame in being tired of a situation thats hard...has to be emotionally draining to the point of tears...how long before u know he can maybe go to the camp ?..you are dealing with a HUGE amount of stuff Jess...u got to find some support out there somewhere for yourself...u count too...ur important and u need some support sometimes...wheres that hubby of yours ?...totally over ?...u have anybody that could stop in or by ? thats too much to handle on just your own...we got to get u some support...thers got to be a way...need to kick around some options..think of what can be done and what can help...
lol...save the dog...right ?...me too...partner would kick the poor thing when in a rage...and we had a BIG dog...loved the dog when they wernt drinking but when they were...holy hell watch out...me and this huge 120 pound dog under a table...hilarious now...what a big fuzz ball of chicken s***...lol !!...
my dad started telling me he wasnt my real dad when i was really young...take it from there...not comfortable situtaion...i think i closed down after that...you went the other way...both extremes to get out of the feeling...lots of anger there...im hoping that will hel someday to a degree...
well...raining here again...like every day so far this summer...lol...one of those no summers over here this year...maybe next month will be better...sure hope so since ive got vacation time coming up..
how r u feeling ?...any change in the meds ? did ur numbers settle down a bit ?...im praying ur doing better...one hour at a time...right ?...well gonna drag myself into the shower...u know u dont have to write if u dont feel like it...im not gonna get nuts...lol..here when were here..no pressure ...take it slow my friend....
sending strength, a bit of sun and smiles to you
con
wilderness camp would be a great thing i think for ur son...i agree...he needs help and not juvie jail...learn better tools for his head in the camp...a great thing !...i so hope he gets the chance to do it...no shame in being tired of a situation thats hard...has to be emotionally draining to the point of tears...how long before u know he can maybe go to the camp ?..you are dealing with a HUGE amount of stuff Jess...u got to find some support out there somewhere for yourself...u count too...ur important and u need some support sometimes...wheres that hubby of yours ?...totally over ?...u have anybody that could stop in or by ? thats too much to handle on just your own...we got to get u some support...thers got to be a way...need to kick around some options..think of what can be done and what can help...
lol...save the dog...right ?...me too...partner would kick the poor thing when in a rage...and we had a BIG dog...loved the dog when they wernt drinking but when they were...holy hell watch out...me and this huge 120 pound dog under a table...hilarious now...what a big fuzz ball of chicken s***...lol !!...
my dad started telling me he wasnt my real dad when i was really young...take it from there...not comfortable situtaion...i think i closed down after that...you went the other way...both extremes to get out of the feeling...lots of anger there...im hoping that will hel someday to a degree...
well...raining here again...like every day so far this summer...lol...one of those no summers over here this year...maybe next month will be better...sure hope so since ive got vacation time coming up..
how r u feeling ?...any change in the meds ? did ur numbers settle down a bit ?...im praying ur doing better...one hour at a time...right ?...well gonna drag myself into the shower...u know u dont have to write if u dont feel like it...im not gonna get nuts...lol..here when were here..no pressure ...take it slow my friend....
sending strength, a bit of sun and smiles to you
con
LOL! I worry about you feeling like you HAVE to write too. You dont, If your ever too tired or not in the mood...really its ok. I do have some support. Im not here alone with my kids...thank God.I have my parents. I dont think I could have stayed sober without them looking over my shoulder... and just being here to love me. My husband is in prison. I wont live with him again, but I think it would be great for my son and him to get together....I would love to send my son to live with him...but I dont trust him. He might get high....He might kill my son if he treats his dad the way he treats us. I worry too much about his temper and I worry about where my husband will be living. I dont want my son in Trenton. No, too many gangs, too much violence. My son has court again on the 11th so I guess I will know something then.
I have a little dog and a big dog. My little dog is crazy...well they are both nuts, something is really mentally wrong with my dogs. My big dog is a total chicken too. Hes so afraid of the little one. Its hysterical. :)....She usta kick the dog? "AWHHH" My dogs were really afraid of my husband. My big one still stops at my bedroom door to make sure hes not there before coming in...Now he just has to worry about the little cause she thinks my room is her room and my bed is her bed. :) She is my Baby. The last time I kicked my husband out I was sitting with her in my lap, and he was like, "Ya, gonna sleep with the dog now?" and I was like "Yep!" The way he looked at her was so scary. I thought he was gonna snatch her up and throw her across the room. I ran with her, he grabbed me but she got away. I dont know where the poor thing hid.
Your dad saying your not his back then must have been terrible. Does he still say that? Do you think he really believed it or was he just being cruel? Do you believe it? So sorry for the questions...I feel for you. My dad left when I was 2. My mom always told me the truth about him. Ya know nice guy, but addicted to heroin. Because so much bad happened to me. I started fantasizing that he was a great guy and that if he had been there nothing bad would have happened to me. I visited him twice in my teens. Once at 14 and again at 15. The first time wasn't too bad. But the second time I was a mess. I wound up stealing weed from him, sneaking out to get drunk with the men that lived next door and stealing a ring from his wife. He didn't want me back...Go Figure! LOL! But it wasn't cause of any of that. He thought I took some dope. He treated me like a drug associate who did him wrong rather than like his troubled daughter. It hurt, we never spoke again. Until recently, I found him on FB. That was interesting. We only spoke once, its weird.
I dont know how my health is. Or my numbers. I only go to the doc every 3 months so I guess he will tell me something then. I feel ok...Just sooo tired. I hate it. Its ok. It is what it is. :) How are you feeling? Do people in the program give you a hard time about being on methadone? When I was in the rooms and please I am not speaking bad about NA/AA, I just found some people to be very judgmental about ANY drugs. I was on Ativan (I think that's what it was) cause of panic attacks and some people weren't very nice. That was a long time ago, maybe things are better now...Hey! do they have English speaking meetings? Well that's pretty dumb of me..I guess you must speak really good German?
It rained alot here too. I tried to take my son camping cause I know he will be gone soon and there was a crazy storm. It collapsed and flooded our tent. We are supposed to try again soon before he goes back to court...I hate camping. Dirt, bugs, scary sounds at night. Not fun for me. But just spending time with him alone in the woods where he can be that sweet kid I know. Its worth it...That choked me up a little bit. He loves the woods, campfires, fishing the whole thing. I just like seeing him be a BOY not a thug. :) Thanx for sending sun and smiles we will need it.
Good-Night Con :)
I have a little dog and a big dog. My little dog is crazy...well they are both nuts, something is really mentally wrong with my dogs. My big dog is a total chicken too. Hes so afraid of the little one. Its hysterical. :)....She usta kick the dog? "AWHHH" My dogs were really afraid of my husband. My big one still stops at my bedroom door to make sure hes not there before coming in...Now he just has to worry about the little cause she thinks my room is her room and my bed is her bed. :) She is my Baby. The last time I kicked my husband out I was sitting with her in my lap, and he was like, "Ya, gonna sleep with the dog now?" and I was like "Yep!" The way he looked at her was so scary. I thought he was gonna snatch her up and throw her across the room. I ran with her, he grabbed me but she got away. I dont know where the poor thing hid.
Your dad saying your not his back then must have been terrible. Does he still say that? Do you think he really believed it or was he just being cruel? Do you believe it? So sorry for the questions...I feel for you. My dad left when I was 2. My mom always told me the truth about him. Ya know nice guy, but addicted to heroin. Because so much bad happened to me. I started fantasizing that he was a great guy and that if he had been there nothing bad would have happened to me. I visited him twice in my teens. Once at 14 and again at 15. The first time wasn't too bad. But the second time I was a mess. I wound up stealing weed from him, sneaking out to get drunk with the men that lived next door and stealing a ring from his wife. He didn't want me back...Go Figure! LOL! But it wasn't cause of any of that. He thought I took some dope. He treated me like a drug associate who did him wrong rather than like his troubled daughter. It hurt, we never spoke again. Until recently, I found him on FB. That was interesting. We only spoke once, its weird.
I dont know how my health is. Or my numbers. I only go to the doc every 3 months so I guess he will tell me something then. I feel ok...Just sooo tired. I hate it. Its ok. It is what it is. :) How are you feeling? Do people in the program give you a hard time about being on methadone? When I was in the rooms and please I am not speaking bad about NA/AA, I just found some people to be very judgmental about ANY drugs. I was on Ativan (I think that's what it was) cause of panic attacks and some people weren't very nice. That was a long time ago, maybe things are better now...Hey! do they have English speaking meetings? Well that's pretty dumb of me..I guess you must speak really good German?
It rained alot here too. I tried to take my son camping cause I know he will be gone soon and there was a crazy storm. It collapsed and flooded our tent. We are supposed to try again soon before he goes back to court...I hate camping. Dirt, bugs, scary sounds at night. Not fun for me. But just spending time with him alone in the woods where he can be that sweet kid I know. Its worth it...That choked me up a little bit. He loves the woods, campfires, fishing the whole thing. I just like seeing him be a BOY not a thug. :) Thanx for sending sun and smiles we will need it.
Good-Night Con :)
GMorning :),
little dogs are FEROCIOUS !!! they all think they're lions...lol...ive been thinking actually of getting an english bulldog...i would rather have a big old hairey coward again...we had a newfoundland , but i dont have the room anymore for a big dog to run...on the other hand...a little bulldog might be perfect...so ugly i love them....i miss having a dog...and its funny, i was rambling around in the diary earlier and figured my wife is kind of the same as far as always being jealous of whatever is taking away what they think is their time or somthing...yup...we marry what were use to i guess...my mom maybe was just jealous i was born ...it was like she was always competing with me...or trying to be always the one that got all the attention...whatever i did she would take credit for or humiliate me for not doing it as well as she could...maybe she hated or was jealous that my father and i actually got on well...whatever...anywyas....ya, i wouldnt trust your husband to not get angry at the little one either...not because he's in prison or a bad guy...but because guys just sometimes get really angry like that at their sons, and if he's got some trouble with anger issues...ya...your right...could be a dissaster...im glad he gets to see him when he can though...i think boys need to have men show them how to be men...we can only do so much...ok...well...in a perfect world he would have this great role model but...it aint a perfect world...and dads just because they're home sometimes arnt the best role models either...my dad died 10 years ago now this past May...God, i cant beleive its already been that long...anywyas...i dont know why he always would tell me this...it was really confusing to me when i was little and then as i got older...just very uncomfortable...i dont think he was being cruel...he wasnt a cruel man...he was an alcholic, whose father was also one...in his later years it got bad...but he was very sick, cancer and he was also going blind...so, maybe i wouuld drink too...i think in some ways he just really wanted me to know so i could know...but in my older years when he was drunk..i guess maybe there were other reasons...he wasnt all that bad...yes there was an inappropriatness at times...guess thats why it was uncomforatble...but no rape...full out anyways...and maybe my mother knew some of that and thats why she was always competing...but my mother would never tell me who my real father was...and she ruled...still does...no one crosses her...he did what i think he felt he could for me...but he was always afraid i think of my mom...of losing her or something...who knows...he was actually the closest to me after my grandmother ...i miss him sometimes..i miss them both (my grandmother died 3 years ago)...but i sure wish i knew the truth too sometimes...i know both of them do not have my blood type...so...hmmm...and mom is still real cagey about giving me hers when ive asked her again...says she'll take her secrets to the grave...well...thanks, ya know ?...lol...whatever...it bothers me and it doesnt...i would like to know i guess if i had other sisters or brothers somehere...but at my age...guess it wouldnt matter so much...just one of those mysteries...anyways...ya know...i was thinking about how your son loves the outdoors...and this sure isnt something i would recommend to anyone right now because of all the crap in the world...but...the armed forces could be an answer in a way too for him...my biggest love of the army was that we would be in the field...outdoors, with the bugs and the stars...lol...sleeping out there and doing the camping thing..i LOVED it...never wanted to come back in to garrison...ya, its a hard life sometimes with all the authority crap and garrison politics now and then...but if he went infantry or armor or something...and you dont need to be a genius to get in either...he might like it...just something to think about...see if he likes the wilderness camp if he can get in..im hoping for him...really...theres something about nature and the ground and the earth that always settles me...maybe he feels the same way...sorry Jess...lol...i love camping...ok...maybe not as much as i use to since wrapping up in a sleeping bag with these old bones is not as comfortable...but...oh ya...i love it...well...the sun is finally out today...sort of...maybe 50 degrees...hear you all are getting a heat wave !...wow...maybe we;ll get some of it soon !...anyways if the wind dies down here a bit im hoping to go do some bike riding...ugh..i so need exersize...im getting so FAT...hate it !!...wouldnt be bad if i was a curvey thing but hell...im short and no curves...when i get fat i just look like a hedge hog...yuck !!...and craving makes me eat...so off to try and make myself think im thinner...lol..
:)
Con
little dogs are FEROCIOUS !!! they all think they're lions...lol...ive been thinking actually of getting an english bulldog...i would rather have a big old hairey coward again...we had a newfoundland , but i dont have the room anymore for a big dog to run...on the other hand...a little bulldog might be perfect...so ugly i love them....i miss having a dog...and its funny, i was rambling around in the diary earlier and figured my wife is kind of the same as far as always being jealous of whatever is taking away what they think is their time or somthing...yup...we marry what were use to i guess...my mom maybe was just jealous i was born ...it was like she was always competing with me...or trying to be always the one that got all the attention...whatever i did she would take credit for or humiliate me for not doing it as well as she could...maybe she hated or was jealous that my father and i actually got on well...whatever...anywyas....ya, i wouldnt trust your husband to not get angry at the little one either...not because he's in prison or a bad guy...but because guys just sometimes get really angry like that at their sons, and if he's got some trouble with anger issues...ya...your right...could be a dissaster...im glad he gets to see him when he can though...i think boys need to have men show them how to be men...we can only do so much...ok...well...in a perfect world he would have this great role model but...it aint a perfect world...and dads just because they're home sometimes arnt the best role models either...my dad died 10 years ago now this past May...God, i cant beleive its already been that long...anywyas...i dont know why he always would tell me this...it was really confusing to me when i was little and then as i got older...just very uncomfortable...i dont think he was being cruel...he wasnt a cruel man...he was an alcholic, whose father was also one...in his later years it got bad...but he was very sick, cancer and he was also going blind...so, maybe i wouuld drink too...i think in some ways he just really wanted me to know so i could know...but in my older years when he was drunk..i guess maybe there were other reasons...he wasnt all that bad...yes there was an inappropriatness at times...guess thats why it was uncomforatble...but no rape...full out anyways...and maybe my mother knew some of that and thats why she was always competing...but my mother would never tell me who my real father was...and she ruled...still does...no one crosses her...he did what i think he felt he could for me...but he was always afraid i think of my mom...of losing her or something...who knows...he was actually the closest to me after my grandmother ...i miss him sometimes..i miss them both (my grandmother died 3 years ago)...but i sure wish i knew the truth too sometimes...i know both of them do not have my blood type...so...hmmm...and mom is still real cagey about giving me hers when ive asked her again...says she'll take her secrets to the grave...well...thanks, ya know ?...lol...whatever...it bothers me and it doesnt...i would like to know i guess if i had other sisters or brothers somehere...but at my age...guess it wouldnt matter so much...just one of those mysteries...anyways...ya know...i was thinking about how your son loves the outdoors...and this sure isnt something i would recommend to anyone right now because of all the crap in the world...but...the armed forces could be an answer in a way too for him...my biggest love of the army was that we would be in the field...outdoors, with the bugs and the stars...lol...sleeping out there and doing the camping thing..i LOVED it...never wanted to come back in to garrison...ya, its a hard life sometimes with all the authority crap and garrison politics now and then...but if he went infantry or armor or something...and you dont need to be a genius to get in either...he might like it...just something to think about...see if he likes the wilderness camp if he can get in..im hoping for him...really...theres something about nature and the ground and the earth that always settles me...maybe he feels the same way...sorry Jess...lol...i love camping...ok...maybe not as much as i use to since wrapping up in a sleeping bag with these old bones is not as comfortable...but...oh ya...i love it...well...the sun is finally out today...sort of...maybe 50 degrees...hear you all are getting a heat wave !...wow...maybe we;ll get some of it soon !...anyways if the wind dies down here a bit im hoping to go do some bike riding...ugh..i so need exersize...im getting so FAT...hate it !!...wouldnt be bad if i was a curvey thing but hell...im short and no curves...when i get fat i just look like a hedge hog...yuck !!...and craving makes me eat...so off to try and make myself think im thinner...lol..
:)
Con
Good morning Con, I think that it is so sad that your mom wont tell you who your dad is. I dont know who my daughters dad is but if I did I would love to have a name or some funny story to tell her. My oldest (19 year old boy) has never met his dad but I knew him. I didn't love him. He was a drug buddie probably the closet thing to a friend you can have out there. At least I had some nice things to say about him. I met my husband when my daughter was 2 so hes always been a dad to her but when she got old enough ask I told her the truth...well not that I was a hooker but that I was messed up on drugs and had a risky life with men. Shes seems ok. I think when Hubby started being a real jerk she was glad she wasn't his. I wish he hadn't ruined their relationship. She is so brave. He was very hard on my youngest cause he was his and she would stand right up to him. My husband is huge. He is a body builder and can lift 500 lbs if he really wanted to, but mostly kept it in the 3 and 4 hundreds. Him an I were fighting one day...and it was scary. She got in his face with phone and said "See that! That says 911 You stop now!) :) Tough girl. I love her...but so sad she had to go through that. After, I found her with her brothers head in her lap. He was sobbing and shaking. That was the beginning of the end for me...So good to remember all this, cause he is laying on the charm now. I have to remember that other side. He is very good looking, charming and he can be so sweet...I miss our good times terribly. I hope he doesn't come back to NC. It will be hard on me. Im lonely for him...or for sex with him. LMAO! Gotta keep that real. I am not promiscuous now. Im sick hes sick and we know each other...so ya, sometimes I want to see him, but never live with him. I also know how dangerous that can be, cause he has used drugs on me before. Like if he can get me to mess up I will be with him...cause my family wont want me anymore. UGH! I gotta stay away from him! Hard when we have a kid. I told him I dont ever want to be alone with him...
I dont totally hate camping. I love it in the morning. this last trip I finally got a coffee pot that goes on the fire. It made my mornings so nice. My son was sleeping and I was reading and drinking my coffee. Listening to the birds and I could see the lake through the trees. That was really nice. I guess it would be better if it was not so hot. but its like 100 degrees here or close to it and the dirt sticks to your sweat. YUK! My daughter and I say you cannot go camping without wet ones. LOL We go through so many.
I am getting fat too. :) Last time I went to jail I looked like an alien. Really. I had no idea I could look that bad. I was all forehead, big crazy blue eyes, cheekbones and then my face went into a point at my chin. ALIEN! LOL! After starving for so long even jail food tasted amazing. So I am pretty chubby now and fairly short too. Oh well, At least Im sober. LOL!
Have a Great Day, My Friend!
I dont totally hate camping. I love it in the morning. this last trip I finally got a coffee pot that goes on the fire. It made my mornings so nice. My son was sleeping and I was reading and drinking my coffee. Listening to the birds and I could see the lake through the trees. That was really nice. I guess it would be better if it was not so hot. but its like 100 degrees here or close to it and the dirt sticks to your sweat. YUK! My daughter and I say you cannot go camping without wet ones. LOL We go through so many.
I am getting fat too. :) Last time I went to jail I looked like an alien. Really. I had no idea I could look that bad. I was all forehead, big crazy blue eyes, cheekbones and then my face went into a point at my chin. ALIEN! LOL! After starving for so long even jail food tasted amazing. So I am pretty chubby now and fairly short too. Oh well, At least Im sober. LOL!
Have a Great Day, My Friend!
Hey Jess...what a weekend and a day...too sad...more exhausting than if i had worked..been round and round with my probably better half...we havent been getting along too well latley...sigh...i'll write a bit more perhaps tommrorow...just out of words and out of patience with life at the moment...the amy winehouse death didnt help matters in our home...think it might have made matters worse, scared many homes with addicts perhaps...Ive been through the wringer hearing about it...that and the Norway situation puts us all on edge out here too..just was a creepy and tiring last few days with all the news...hope things are ok in your neck of the woods out there...at least i hear your suppose to get some relief from the heat soon !!
tired smiles
con
tired smiles
con
Hi, Im sorry to hear you are going through so much. Ive had a bad couple of days too. Lots of painful fights with my 14 year old....Ive been a mess...feel like the worst mom in the world sometimes but I know that's not really true. I could be gone using but I am here...sometimes I dont want to be (here)....Gosh! Wish I could say something uplifting. LOL. I quit smoking AGAIN. I keep stopping and starting. It drives my mom crazy. She doesn't understand why I keep going back to it and I tell her sometimes I want to run away and get high, and I reach for a cig instead...She said that's an excuse. That gets me mad. She just doesn't get it. For the most part Im doing really good but every once in awhile that horrible urge comes over me and sometimes it just passes, sometimes I wind up spilling my guts on here and some times I smoke a cig. Anyway, this is day 2 no cigs so I guess that's part of why I am so depressed. I like smoking. I really miss it when I give it up.
I hope you have a much better day tomorrow. :) Good-Night.
I hope you have a much better day tomorrow. :) Good-Night.
ah jess...sorry for not getting back...i screwed it up pretty good...wasnt able to stay in the game...feeling pretty mortified as spagehetti right about now...:)...gonna need a few days to deal with myself...craving got me on the run...and back to the rigs...got to get myself back together...humpty dumpty and all that i guess...hope ur well and ur son has calmed down a bit...stay as strong as you have been....first time ive picked up like this in a long long time...something just snapped i guess...gonna finish what i started and try again ...pissed off at myself and disgusted...crap...
Hi Con, I am sorry I didn't get back to you. My computer is not working and getting my daughter to give up her laptop is like pulling teeth and I cant type on it. The keys are so flat and sensitive. How are you doing, My Friend? I know how much it hurts to feel like you have failed. There's not much I can say to make it better, but dont be disgusted with yourself. That is such a strong negative thing to feel about yourself. It made my heart hurt to read it. You gotta forgive yourself and move forward. You are such a wonderful encouraging person to others. Don't forget to be wonderful and encouraging to yourself, cause you deserve it. I gotta go to bed now, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of ya. Good-Night. I will write more tomorrow. :)
My computer is still acting crazy but for this moment its letting me on. :) How are you? I am doing pretty good. Im still trying to quit smoking. Its not fun. I have 2 court dates coming up. One for both of my sons. :( Im so tired of court. My oldest is doing really good. He just took the pre GED and aced everything except the math. He was suppose to have his GED before going to court. I hope they will see how hard he has been trying. My little boy is the same and I hope the courts help by putting him somewhere useful. My daughter is great. Another season of VB starting. I hope they win a little more this year. Its heartbreaking to watch them lose all as much as they do...but they never give up and Im always so proud. I hope your feeling better. TTYL :)
Jess !! ..im glad to see you !! im feeling better now...and i will chatter your ears off all about it tommorrow...right now though ive got to get to bed...im soooo glad your little ones are doing better...im keeping my fingers crossed for all of them !!...court...ya...yuck...im thinking of you ! ...talk to you soon
con.
con.
