When I got clean in 2004, I had gone through my house like a wild woman and made sure that there were not any pills hiding anywhere. Guess I forgot about one little hideyhole...found it today while cleaning out my closet. I was actually on the phone with Sammy while going through some shelves. I had just hung up when I found a bottle of pills.
What's so wonderful about all of this is that I didn't get all shakey, wierd and edgy about it. In fact, I felt nothing but a sense of peace. I just kept thinking...I don't have to hide things anymore. I don't have to worry about someone finding them. I remember those feelings of shame and fear when I used to hide my pills. I don't have to do that anymore! And to not even think about taking them is so huge for me. Now, I wouldn't for one second trust that I could have these little babies hanging around, so don't get me wrong, but it's such an amazing feeling to know that I choose sobriety and life now, compared to what I used to choose. The program has given me this strength, without out, I don't know where I would be today.
Thanks for letting me share that.
Oh and I did flush them with my husband watching....guess that closet really needed cleaning!
That really is major. I mostly think that I am in a very comfortable place now with pills because I have no desire to do the chasing to get them. When I get flareups advil, aspirin and tylenol all work for me. BUT I dont know how I would react with finding a whole bottle here. I "think" Id be smart enough to realize that a bottle full of pills would be the perfect hook to getting addicted again. Having my doctor and my husband know I cannot be accountable with pills in my own possession is the best precaution I ever took.
Way to go Cowgirl. You have become so much better than pills could ever "make" you.
Way to go Cowgirl. You have become so much better than pills could ever "make" you.
The saying...one is never enough, one thousand is never enough...it's so true. One bottle of pills verses my three years of sobriety? No brainer there. To have to start that cycle all over again just isn't worth it. Life is just so much better now. Sounds like it's the same for you too Donna....:)
I'm sure that just talking with sammy didn't hurt either. lol
hey lis
hey lis
Lisa-I'm glad you shared that because it happens more than people think.I found an oxycontin about 4 weeks ago under my desk[no,I wasn't looking for it]
It went in the toilet just in case.I am not cured and believe me it crossed my mind to take it.It's more of a knee-jerk reaction than a direct compulsion.
After flushing it, I realized that 1 would have been a joke anyway.
It's funny but now when I'm in a bad place,taking drugs doesn't seem that appealing."Ending it all" seems like a better option although I'm too much of a coward to do that.LOL
It went in the toilet just in case.I am not cured and believe me it crossed my mind to take it.It's more of a knee-jerk reaction than a direct compulsion.
After flushing it, I realized that 1 would have been a joke anyway.
It's funny but now when I'm in a bad place,taking drugs doesn't seem that appealing."Ending it all" seems like a better option although I'm too much of a coward to do that.LOL
Lisa,
Isn't it odd how these things happen when we're under the greatest amount of stress -- like a divine test or something? It's an affirmation of the strong program you work. I'm so proud of you.
Tim,
Before you consider ending it all, at least give Hawaii a try?
Love,
Gina
Isn't it odd how these things happen when we're under the greatest amount of stress -- like a divine test or something? It's an affirmation of the strong program you work. I'm so proud of you.
Tim,
Before you consider ending it all, at least give Hawaii a try?
Love,
Gina
Lisa...thats so great.Im not sure even as far as Ive come if I would be strong enough to do that.THATS why I dont have anything but my Subs & ADs here!!!
Im very proud of you & Im glad they are now out of your home
molly
Im very proud of you & Im glad they are now out of your home
molly
Hey:
Well, I think that is completely amazing that you guys can do that. Especially, with a full bottle!!!! I'd feel like I'd won the lottery. I still struggle so much, so much. Once, about a year ago, I was sitting in my room just craving whatever to get me out of my head. I thought - I wish I'd find a pill.....I look down and there's an ativan! The carpet is berber so it had been easy to miss for a while I guess. I wasn't even trying to control it at all then, so I immediately took it. Recently, I found a 10 mg Lortab under my dresser. I, or course, was out of my pain meds having taken them too fast (as usual) so I was beyond excited to find this lortab. I don't know if I'd be that happy if I found money.
I recently fell, (again) in Publix. It was the classic bananna peel slip, legs flying in the air and I landed flat on my back and my legs hit really hard. Turns out this walking cast I have to wear, the tread is worn off the hell, and it's slick. Now I gotta get a new walking book (a mere $600.00, I have no insurance)!
Whatever, I had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon about 3 days later, and my leg had been hurting worse and in a different location and a different way. However, I don't trust the pain I feel because maybe I'm just trying to get more pills. I can't even trust that physical pain is really pain and not my head trying to trick me! Well, my Dr. did some x-rays and It was real pain - I'd broken 2 of the screws holding my ankle together Now he wants to amputate because - what else is there to do? I've had 12 operations from a broken leg, and the leg is STILL BROKEN even after a bone graft. They can put in more screws...but they always seem to break somehow, I don't necessarily even have to fall.
I guess my point of all this is I don't want to lose my leg, so I'm worried about that - I apparently do have some legit pain, but I can't control my usage of the pain medicine. My situations weird, so any advice would be appreciated.
Again, props to you guys! It must be amazing to be so far along in recovery to find something AND THOW IT OUT!!!!! Especially, a Full Bottle!!!! You guys must feel so strong, I wonder if I'll ever get there. Honestly, I can't even imagine being there, where the pills have lost their power, and ya'll have the power!! I actually had 8 years clean before I broke my leg (Jan 19, 2005) I'm still having issues with my leg over 2 years later - and it's like I can't even remember what is was like to be clean. I can't even remember.
Well, I think that is completely amazing that you guys can do that. Especially, with a full bottle!!!! I'd feel like I'd won the lottery. I still struggle so much, so much. Once, about a year ago, I was sitting in my room just craving whatever to get me out of my head. I thought - I wish I'd find a pill.....I look down and there's an ativan! The carpet is berber so it had been easy to miss for a while I guess. I wasn't even trying to control it at all then, so I immediately took it. Recently, I found a 10 mg Lortab under my dresser. I, or course, was out of my pain meds having taken them too fast (as usual) so I was beyond excited to find this lortab. I don't know if I'd be that happy if I found money.
I recently fell, (again) in Publix. It was the classic bananna peel slip, legs flying in the air and I landed flat on my back and my legs hit really hard. Turns out this walking cast I have to wear, the tread is worn off the hell, and it's slick. Now I gotta get a new walking book (a mere $600.00, I have no insurance)!
Whatever, I had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon about 3 days later, and my leg had been hurting worse and in a different location and a different way. However, I don't trust the pain I feel because maybe I'm just trying to get more pills. I can't even trust that physical pain is really pain and not my head trying to trick me! Well, my Dr. did some x-rays and It was real pain - I'd broken 2 of the screws holding my ankle together Now he wants to amputate because - what else is there to do? I've had 12 operations from a broken leg, and the leg is STILL BROKEN even after a bone graft. They can put in more screws...but they always seem to break somehow, I don't necessarily even have to fall.
I guess my point of all this is I don't want to lose my leg, so I'm worried about that - I apparently do have some legit pain, but I can't control my usage of the pain medicine. My situations weird, so any advice would be appreciated.
Again, props to you guys! It must be amazing to be so far along in recovery to find something AND THOW IT OUT!!!!! Especially, a Full Bottle!!!! You guys must feel so strong, I wonder if I'll ever get there. Honestly, I can't even imagine being there, where the pills have lost their power, and ya'll have the power!! I actually had 8 years clean before I broke my leg (Jan 19, 2005) I'm still having issues with my leg over 2 years later - and it's like I can't even remember what is was like to be clean. I can't even remember.
Gosh Lisa,
thanks for posting this. It is what I needed to hear today.
Your honesty is amazing. I finally am beginning to realize how honesty plays a big part in keeping us clean.
-Gentlepeace
thanks for posting this. It is what I needed to hear today.
Your honesty is amazing. I finally am beginning to realize how honesty plays a big part in keeping us clean.
-Gentlepeace
That is so good Lisa. Not that you found some pills. But you knew what to do and did it.
Thanks for sharing that, this is powerful stuff. I know how wierd it feels to have pills around you after not having them for so long. Its a very strange feeling. I know when I got hurt and had a small bottle of percs...it was so strange...the way they sounded rocked my nerves.
I am so happy to not have to deal with that anymore.
Thanks for sharing that, this is powerful stuff. I know how wierd it feels to have pills around you after not having them for so long. Its a very strange feeling. I know when I got hurt and had a small bottle of percs...it was so strange...the way they sounded rocked my nerves.
I am so happy to not have to deal with that anymore.
It's funny that you brought up the part about stress Gina....hadn't even associated it with that until now. I am so grateful that not even stress can make me give up my sobriety these days. 3 years ago it was a completely different story. I would have used it as an excuse to take the whole damn bottle. Thank you for pointing that out and making me feel even more grounded and secure in my recovery. Leave it to you though, you read between the lines.
Tim...I'm with you. I'll take my life before I'll abuse another drug. Yes, my conviction is that strong, because seriously, what's the difference?
Thank you to everyone else for your support and kind words.
Cowgirl
Tim...I'm with you. I'll take my life before I'll abuse another drug. Yes, my conviction is that strong, because seriously, what's the difference?
Thank you to everyone else for your support and kind words.
Cowgirl
As I told you on the phone, Lisa, your email to me had been in my inbox for a few days and I had not had a chance to respond due to other offline committments. When I walked in from work Friday, I turned on my computer and decided instead of sitting and writing a response to your email, I would do the next best thing - call you.
What a beautiful conversation I had with you and if you remember, we even touched on the "God" topic.
This was no coincidence that you and I talked prior to you finding the pills stashed in your "hideyhole" - lmao - I love that reference. The God of my understanding always puts me and the people in my life, precisely where I/they need to be. Although I want to make it perfectly clear that I take no credit for the enormous amount of courage and shift in your perception that it took to trash those pills; I can't tell you enough how awe inspiring it is read what really is in important in your life.
What a bang it is for me watching you go, grow, glow in your recovery. Thank you for blessing my life with your truth.
Love ~
Sammy
What a beautiful conversation I had with you and if you remember, we even touched on the "God" topic.
This was no coincidence that you and I talked prior to you finding the pills stashed in your "hideyhole" - lmao - I love that reference. The God of my understanding always puts me and the people in my life, precisely where I/they need to be. Although I want to make it perfectly clear that I take no credit for the enormous amount of courage and shift in your perception that it took to trash those pills; I can't tell you enough how awe inspiring it is read what really is in important in your life.
What a bang it is for me watching you go, grow, glow in your recovery. Thank you for blessing my life with your truth.
Love ~
Sammy
