Howdy,
Just need input from a recovering heroin addict.....i myself have 19 yrs plus change clean from an alcohol/pot addiction but never have used heroin nor the 'harder drugs' for that matter.....anyhoo..
My ex bf has been shooting heroin for over 30 years...supposedly he is not using as he is currently on probation for drug trafficking reduced to possession offense....but he still smokes pot and drinks..that much i do know..
Anyway in the last month or two he has been acting pretty weird...paranoid...extremely secretive about who or whom he is hanging out with now....nobody from his mandated AA meetings or dudes from his job at the factory as he would usually tell me about them....actually he has withdrawn from family friends me etc. making some kind of claim that he is learning that people in general are only out for themselves and not to be trusted....this coming from the biggest manipulator in the world.
I don't know if he is using heroin steadily or just 'chipping' as he has only missed one or two days of work...where he was puking and having the trots and he has lost weight in the short interim..
One day i happened to call him after not having heard from him in a couple of weeks....apparently i caught him just as he was falling asleep but he sounded so evil and hollowed out....not like a man trying to wake up...but this ghost like demon...blunt with no emotion...saying mean and vile things...i swear i didn't know who i was talking to....chilled me to the bone..
Is this a symptom of someone withdrawing or crashing from opiate use?......i mean when i used to drink i was sullen morose teary angry but it was still me...just drunk.....talking to him that time was like this evil spirit swallowed him up whole and spit out his soul..
i am just so confused and hurt,
MARY
Mary, that dude needs to write a book.....it amazes me and still even though I was out there.....amazes me.....lifers can just keep going....maintaining or kick, and go back, kick and go back.......actually living their entire lives that way.
Maybe he's losing his mind.........OR maybe smoking the crack or crystal...everybody is way mean on that and trust nobody.....then again neither do us heroin addicts.....so I can't say.
Detoxing/withdrawl......first of all he wouldn't be falling asleep.....he'd be UP pacing or crawling......or shakeing his leg......cross them and shake that leg for hours......you already know if he was high he'd not be so mean....man, I was so sweet on the dope.....I really was.....TILL IT RAN OUT....LOL.....so maybe he was worrying for the next day how to cop or someone ripped him off....or yeah:
Even in to about say eight or nine days........monster......me......everyone else I saw kick.........mean........vile........PO'd........someone would say well poor little Billy down the block he got leukemia.....or look you are getting better think of poor this or that person...........NO WAY.........I would say I don't give a Sh*t about no leukemia kid or no dang nobody.......I could care less.....hope you all die.......get outta my face........even to my own child......don't touch me don't come near me.......stop your biotching ya spoiled brat.
Yep, mean, vile, insensitive, and hurting people i loved.....then a commercial comes on where a man stubs his toe......I'm crying in tears.
Poor, poor man.........wah boo hoo.......so his indifference could be that, mary....I don't know OR OR OR maybe he's sick of himself finally.....hates himself, and thinks his time is short and he ruined life for him, and others.
Sorry I can't read him, Mary.......that dude got me puzzled.....hope you're doing O.K. over there......got ya in my prayers.....oh, and Jack needs ya.....you're so sweet, and kind......you're a star like our UK gang says.
Maybe he's losing his mind.........OR maybe smoking the crack or crystal...everybody is way mean on that and trust nobody.....then again neither do us heroin addicts.....so I can't say.
Detoxing/withdrawl......first of all he wouldn't be falling asleep.....he'd be UP pacing or crawling......or shakeing his leg......cross them and shake that leg for hours......you already know if he was high he'd not be so mean....man, I was so sweet on the dope.....I really was.....TILL IT RAN OUT....LOL.....so maybe he was worrying for the next day how to cop or someone ripped him off....or yeah:
Even in to about say eight or nine days........monster......me......everyone else I saw kick.........mean........vile........PO'd........someone would say well poor little Billy down the block he got leukemia.....or look you are getting better think of poor this or that person...........NO WAY.........I would say I don't give a Sh*t about no leukemia kid or no dang nobody.......I could care less.....hope you all die.......get outta my face........even to my own child......don't touch me don't come near me.......stop your biotching ya spoiled brat.
Yep, mean, vile, insensitive, and hurting people i loved.....then a commercial comes on where a man stubs his toe......I'm crying in tears.
Poor, poor man.........wah boo hoo.......so his indifference could be that, mary....I don't know OR OR OR maybe he's sick of himself finally.....hates himself, and thinks his time is short and he ruined life for him, and others.
Sorry I can't read him, Mary.......that dude got me puzzled.....hope you're doing O.K. over there......got ya in my prayers.....oh, and Jack needs ya.....you're so sweet, and kind......you're a star like our UK gang says.
Very hard 2 say what this cat's malfunction is...My old man sometimes gets v. terse, mean, snotty when he is high.& sometimes not-You say he is drinking ? Has he been like this before? Have you SEEN him face 2 face?He could be using & ashamed, esp. if you don'y approve of it. Try to see him.Talk to him. Good luck, kid
Morning Mary.....
You know I often wonder if this is what 30 years does to you. His brain has most likely been effected big time and I really don't think he is using. It doesn't fit. The most likely reason is that he wouldn't be smopking a joint or having a few beers if he could get that h in him. It was his thing for so long why the hell step back he isn't getting anything like the h high would be.....
I hope you are ok sweetie.....
Please take good care of you. I know I told you this before I hope maybe you will believe me one day but as soon as you stop asking them questions the answers seem to come. I have no idea why it is like this evil game.....You want to know, like right now and it never comes and the day you let go bang things start making sense. I looked back like if I only did this sooner I would have saved myself some head tripping.....
I love you bunches.
Tina
You know I often wonder if this is what 30 years does to you. His brain has most likely been effected big time and I really don't think he is using. It doesn't fit. The most likely reason is that he wouldn't be smopking a joint or having a few beers if he could get that h in him. It was his thing for so long why the hell step back he isn't getting anything like the h high would be.....
I hope you are ok sweetie.....
Please take good care of you. I know I told you this before I hope maybe you will believe me one day but as soon as you stop asking them questions the answers seem to come. I have no idea why it is like this evil game.....You want to know, like right now and it never comes and the day you let go bang things start making sense. I looked back like if I only did this sooner I would have saved myself some head tripping.....
I love you bunches.
Tina
Howdy,
I just wanted to add that i only see him once maybe every three weeks...not daily or steadily on each and every weekend.....and when i do see him he never stays over and seems to percipitate an argument just to give him an excuse to leave early.
I saw him today in fact....after a couple of weeks and he looked even thinner today then the last time i saw him and i noticed he was losing weight back then as well....
he is crying poverty as usual when he is around me and smoking his joints but he still refuses to reveal the identity of these mystery people he hangs out with...which if they were from work or AA (that's a joke) he would always identify them.....of course i know these mystery people are drug related and his just smoking pot with them would not lead him to be so secretive about them and he openly smokes weed in front of me.
about a month ago...his best crony friend from the factory was busted and in prison now for buying crack near a school yard...i have cited that his first drug of choice was heroin that he was shooting for over 30 years..but maybe he is using crack...he has done every kind of drug there is in his 54 years..
i think i am confusing people by their thinking that i see him regularly..i don't....and when we were together in the past....if he was using then he would disappear periodically....but he was dopier on heroin...now he is just mean vile paranoid skinny and hates my guts..
love MARY
I just wanted to add that i only see him once maybe every three weeks...not daily or steadily on each and every weekend.....and when i do see him he never stays over and seems to percipitate an argument just to give him an excuse to leave early.
I saw him today in fact....after a couple of weeks and he looked even thinner today then the last time i saw him and i noticed he was losing weight back then as well....
he is crying poverty as usual when he is around me and smoking his joints but he still refuses to reveal the identity of these mystery people he hangs out with...which if they were from work or AA (that's a joke) he would always identify them.....of course i know these mystery people are drug related and his just smoking pot with them would not lead him to be so secretive about them and he openly smokes weed in front of me.
about a month ago...his best crony friend from the factory was busted and in prison now for buying crack near a school yard...i have cited that his first drug of choice was heroin that he was shooting for over 30 years..but maybe he is using crack...he has done every kind of drug there is in his 54 years..
i think i am confusing people by their thinking that i see him regularly..i don't....and when we were together in the past....if he was using then he would disappear periodically....but he was dopier on heroin...now he is just mean vile paranoid skinny and hates my guts..
love MARY
Mary
Anyone who has beem using heron on/off for that long ,is not going to be ok with just smokin weed or drinking.(As I found out)
Bryn is right -its just amazing he is still out there.
Im on a mdone clinic and I dont see too many 30 year veterens-
His way of life is engrained soo deep it will take a massive effort FROM HIM to change. To tell you the truth ,from what I know about the guy -I dont see it happening
Try to taper yourself away from him, you are very aware of his manipulating prowness.
Keep in touch
muchlove
jack
Anyone who has beem using heron on/off for that long ,is not going to be ok with just smokin weed or drinking.(As I found out)
Bryn is right -its just amazing he is still out there.
Im on a mdone clinic and I dont see too many 30 year veterens-
His way of life is engrained soo deep it will take a massive effort FROM HIM to change. To tell you the truth ,from what I know about the guy -I dont see it happening
Try to taper yourself away from him, you are very aware of his manipulating prowness.
Keep in touch
muchlove
jack
Mary, you could always hire a PI. At least you would know what he does and where he goes. Not sure what you would do with that info. Maybe it would just make you feel better to know?
Do you think he's sick? Losing weight can come from illnesses too.
Hugs,
Lucy
Do you think he's sick? Losing weight can come from illnesses too.
Hugs,
Lucy
thank you....all....of course i know that he is using more than weed or an occasional brewski.....even if i can't identify the substance being abused currently it has been pointed out to me that regardless he is employing typical 'addict' behaviour....
i used to think that loneliness and fear were feelings worse than being in his company...at least he was a familiar face that would dispel the shadows of emptiness at times....but he has become so demonic and manipulative in his ways of late....rather embarrassing for him in that they lack any cunning or artful originality in his aging dotage as a career 'junky'......that now i realize that being alone is more palatable then sharing the empty shadows with his own waning lifeless shadow..
to all fellow Veterans...Happy Memorial Day
love MARY
i used to think that loneliness and fear were feelings worse than being in his company...at least he was a familiar face that would dispel the shadows of emptiness at times....but he has become so demonic and manipulative in his ways of late....rather embarrassing for him in that they lack any cunning or artful originality in his aging dotage as a career 'junky'......that now i realize that being alone is more palatable then sharing the empty shadows with his own waning lifeless shadow..
to all fellow Veterans...Happy Memorial Day
love MARY
Oh no way....Lucey, hello, and I mean no disrespect......we have never chatted, and I am not laughing AT you, but a PI....a private eye to follow Mary's mate, boyfriend, curse or whatever he is......that would ne hysterical.....again I am sorry, but from what we know of this guy......hiring a PI.....no way.
Now if ya got Darin, Jack, me, and of course Tina she'd be the head PI....she is very wise......and unfortunately has had to live like this........and us guys....well we'd be acclamated in say two hours......to where ya live.....we'd be on that guy in a hot dang minute....LOL.....although we'd be in danger ourselves.....if I left oput any names I am sorry.....although be proud I didn't think of ya as an ex-manipulating, con.......LOL........Mary I just can't say.
I can say this.....you are NOT alone......lonely maybe......but not alone....you have you.......you first, and your family here, and I know it's not the same as tangable people....I think that's a word.......like a person you can touch.....but ya got us, Sister, and I think we ain't no chop liver.
Much love to ya Mary........and I echo a very Happy Veterans day to all our heroic men, and women who have fought to keep us safe....warm thanks.
Now if ya got Darin, Jack, me, and of course Tina she'd be the head PI....she is very wise......and unfortunately has had to live like this........and us guys....well we'd be acclamated in say two hours......to where ya live.....we'd be on that guy in a hot dang minute....LOL.....although we'd be in danger ourselves.....if I left oput any names I am sorry.....although be proud I didn't think of ya as an ex-manipulating, con.......LOL........Mary I just can't say.
I can say this.....you are NOT alone......lonely maybe......but not alone....you have you.......you first, and your family here, and I know it's not the same as tangable people....I think that's a word.......like a person you can touch.....but ya got us, Sister, and I think we ain't no chop liver.
Much love to ya Mary........and I echo a very Happy Veterans day to all our heroic men, and women who have fought to keep us safe....warm thanks.
Bryn,
Today was very bad...i can barely hold it together anymore.....he said the cruelest most vile things to me today and if i didn't let go of his arm...trying to keep him from leaving...i could see by the way he was shaking and his right eye twitching...he would have hit me as he has so many times in the past...
He called last Thursday and Friday about 4 times...wanting to plan something for the long holiday weekend...this after a couple of weeks ago telling me not to bother him anymore and move back to NYC.
He came over Friday after work...stoned complaining of not having any money because of recent car repairs...looking much thinner...saying he doesn't have the money for 3 squares a day....he doesn't get paid for the holiday either as he is a temp worker for the last 3 and half years.
He didn't say he was invited to any cook outs and i know he is going to get a urine test from his PO this coming Thursday so i wonder why he was still risking smoking pot.
He told me he would be here today at noon....when he didn't arrive or call around 2:30 PM i called over by his landlords and the old guy said he hadn't been home for a while. He wound up coming here around 3 PM...with supper and stuff for breakfast the next day (i didn't think he was going to stay over seeing as how he declared the no more sex thing between us many months ago.
When i told him i called over at his place he hit the roof and accused me of checking up on him...he gathered up his stuff and started to leave saying that he only called so many times those 2 days to be kind and that why should i care if he left as i had nothing to do anyway...and sneering at me in rage while i cried and his saying that he was Fuc### up in the head and that he is like that to everyone these days not just me..
I cried all day...and called over there about 9 pm and he still hadn't come home yet...that was 6 hours after he left my place.....he told me he didn't have any money this weekend and no place to go.....and to make things worse he did have unprotected sex with me 2 weeks ago...saying that he really didn't want to do it as he doesn't like to do it with someone he doesn't care about..
I feel like exposing him to his PO and his two old landlords...he might kill me but i feel so low that at this point i don't care anymore...he probably has been lying about there not being another woman and tries to get money from me to spend on her (i never give him any money) but he always is crying poverty whenever he sees me
i am so worn out from crying...i can't see the
computer screen anymore
love MARY
Today was very bad...i can barely hold it together anymore.....he said the cruelest most vile things to me today and if i didn't let go of his arm...trying to keep him from leaving...i could see by the way he was shaking and his right eye twitching...he would have hit me as he has so many times in the past...
He called last Thursday and Friday about 4 times...wanting to plan something for the long holiday weekend...this after a couple of weeks ago telling me not to bother him anymore and move back to NYC.
He came over Friday after work...stoned complaining of not having any money because of recent car repairs...looking much thinner...saying he doesn't have the money for 3 squares a day....he doesn't get paid for the holiday either as he is a temp worker for the last 3 and half years.
He didn't say he was invited to any cook outs and i know he is going to get a urine test from his PO this coming Thursday so i wonder why he was still risking smoking pot.
He told me he would be here today at noon....when he didn't arrive or call around 2:30 PM i called over by his landlords and the old guy said he hadn't been home for a while. He wound up coming here around 3 PM...with supper and stuff for breakfast the next day (i didn't think he was going to stay over seeing as how he declared the no more sex thing between us many months ago.
When i told him i called over at his place he hit the roof and accused me of checking up on him...he gathered up his stuff and started to leave saying that he only called so many times those 2 days to be kind and that why should i care if he left as i had nothing to do anyway...and sneering at me in rage while i cried and his saying that he was Fuc### up in the head and that he is like that to everyone these days not just me..
I cried all day...and called over there about 9 pm and he still hadn't come home yet...that was 6 hours after he left my place.....he told me he didn't have any money this weekend and no place to go.....and to make things worse he did have unprotected sex with me 2 weeks ago...saying that he really didn't want to do it as he doesn't like to do it with someone he doesn't care about..
I feel like exposing him to his PO and his two old landlords...he might kill me but i feel so low that at this point i don't care anymore...he probably has been lying about there not being another woman and tries to get money from me to spend on her (i never give him any money) but he always is crying poverty whenever he sees me
i am so worn out from crying...i can't see the
computer screen anymore
love MARY
