I could not think of what to name this post. Karma might not be the right word. I have a string of thoughts I would like to express. I might be at the point where I am actively working on saving my self, while putting building blocks in place for my son, and husband. maybe this is the act of changing oneself and the others will follow. (for those who don't know my previous posts, I found a community recovery center for addicts and families)
my son has worked in a type of landscaping field. outside work, 6-7 days a week for 6 months at a time, year round in warmer climates. 60 hours a week at 40 hours pay. he has done this for close to 10 years. he started early in the field at 16 yrs old. It is grueling, but I think the right mindset can take it, and my son did not have the right mindset. but he kept at it thinking it would get better. it did not, his life style did not.
recently he has had a warehouse job - seasonal - on call - lasted a few weeks around the holidays. Thought - this would be better - inside work. It turned out to be 12 hour days - starting at 4 am! I do give him credit for trying to see it thru.
currently has new job, hours are better. might be a county job. permanent. good stepping stone. he said he could see the opportunity of better jobs. downfall - it is outside work and in NY we are having cold temps - just as he is starting the new job!
on one hand he feels like he does not catch a break - tries and tries - and still suffers.
Thoughts - he needs these exercises in order to mature. as someone said it is obvious to us that he is 28 yrs old but acts like a hatchling... (18 yr old)
we offer warm clothing - our old stuff, options, lunch fixings - he takes some and leaves some. we want to fix the bald tire, alignment, leaky tire on (my old) car he is driving, but he does not have time. not really interested in it being a well running car. he also has to drive it during work (adding to gas bill -- ugh -- plays into his need for money and his/our suffering) so we give little pushes, and let him suffer with what the day brings, hoping the job will last. although not perfect and probably still buying some meds on the street - but we don't know.... he does seem more alert and aware and connected than he usually does -- but will it last.... is this just a few weeks of good behavior...
I said to my husband today - that this is the struggle he has to go through. because we have watched this dysfunction for so many years, my husband now has no patience for it. yet I think this is the time to be patient, but not a pushover - set the boundaries. it is not easy to go from medicated unawareness to aware and dealing with day to day life. it takes time.
conclusion - I will continue to see a counselor and bring in my husband, and son if they are willing. my goal is to get me and hubby to the point where we can walk away with a good conscience. we do want to move to warmer weather and I would like to get that moving sooner rather than later. idk if this makes sense, but I do see it as saving myself, by getting me stronger and by getting them to take care of themselves. and yes, I guess we are still enabling - minimally - and yes we are sooo sick of it. and so is he (or so he says - ugh)
PS - I am sure some of my online friends are thinking "been there, done that 12 times!"
I know, I know, I am a eternal optimist. I cant help but to keep trying at this. I do have boundaries in place. mainly financial. we crippled our small savings a few years ago and will not do that again.
I know mothers are the eternal optimists. It gets so tiring! That new job will always be different. Our son wanted more or so he said. I don't know how to help them get there! It is like they sabotage themselves. I am not sure if they have just dug themselves such a deep hole it is hard to climb out or if they are mentally unable to handle life. Maybe they only know how to mooch and not take responsibility for things. We tried to get our son to a point where we could walk away and retire without guilt. It never happened. We finally just had to walk away because nothing ever changed. We needed him to grow up so we could age in peace. Tried to get him there. He never understood why people wouldnt hire him when his Facebook page has drug references all over it and he fails pre-employment drug tests. Or he gets a job but goes to work stoned. He never knows why he lost that job...
Now I have lots of guilt but didn't know what else to do but walk away. We couldn't deal with our sons life for what we have left of ours. It would drive us to an early grave. These past few years almost killed me with worry and fear. My husband is not in great health either. Not to mention the tons of money it took to keep our son just barely afloat. He doesn't understand and probably never will. We will always be the bad guys that abandoned him and never loved him enough. I won't ever be able to forgive myself but it is what it is.
Now I have lots of guilt but didn't know what else to do but walk away. We couldn't deal with our sons life for what we have left of ours. It would drive us to an early grave. These past few years almost killed me with worry and fear. My husband is not in great health either. Not to mention the tons of money it took to keep our son just barely afloat. He doesn't understand and probably never will. We will always be the bad guys that abandoned him and never loved him enough. I won't ever be able to forgive myself but it is what it is.
Darn - I thought I was on to something new! Thanks for the heads up.
yeah, maybe I am fooling myself.....
yeah, maybe I am fooling myself.....
I didn't mean to discourage you. My son had many opportunities and jobs with potential. He had no follow through. Maybe lack of real interest? Definitely didn't want to change the lifestyle to get ahead. I don't know how they think they will get something for nothing. Maybe your son is more motivated but sometimes it does seem like the deck is stacked against them ... weather, transportation etc. Things that should be easy are hard.
lol - no problem. As I was writing I was thinking, this is the cycle the old timers have talked about: opportunities, job for 2 weeks, kid sabotages, cant see their way past the next hour...
Guess I had my rose colored glasses on, got lost in my own day dreams....
Your advice is good. I need the reality check.
One week we think we are making progress, the next week we see that we were not.
Good behavior thru the holidays - thankful for that, but now back to the same old.
We have tried to make sense of it all, but still does not make sense.
example - I made a lunch for him bc "he needs $ for lunch" - he slept at gf house and did not pick up the lunch. weather is colder today. we left extra set of under clothes. He did not pick up. Guess he is not hungry or cold....
To tell you the truth, I really want to make plans to move this year. I am not strong enough to stop my enabling when he is standing in the kitchen. If I don't give he lingers around. I know that when I give $20 or $40, it is not that much, but it adds up over the weeks and months. I talk, explain, say No a few times, he agrees and listens, and asks some more and then I give in.
currently I feel that I am not strong enough to say no, and I am afraid of consequences, and arguments betw son and dad that can be very angry. I am feeling that if I can not control the situation, I need to remove myself from it. in this case physically.
my husband is not ready to move, even though that is all he has talked about for years. This is why I am starting counseling. by June I need to see real recovery. I am going to start packing stuff. My other dilemma is that I was let go from my job in Oct. I will get unemp starting in Jan. Do I get a new job real quick - to be able to bank $$ - in order to move, and not deplete savings, or do I stay on unemp and focus on house and possibly moving.
Guess I had my rose colored glasses on, got lost in my own day dreams....
Your advice is good. I need the reality check.
One week we think we are making progress, the next week we see that we were not.
Good behavior thru the holidays - thankful for that, but now back to the same old.
We have tried to make sense of it all, but still does not make sense.
example - I made a lunch for him bc "he needs $ for lunch" - he slept at gf house and did not pick up the lunch. weather is colder today. we left extra set of under clothes. He did not pick up. Guess he is not hungry or cold....
To tell you the truth, I really want to make plans to move this year. I am not strong enough to stop my enabling when he is standing in the kitchen. If I don't give he lingers around. I know that when I give $20 or $40, it is not that much, but it adds up over the weeks and months. I talk, explain, say No a few times, he agrees and listens, and asks some more and then I give in.
currently I feel that I am not strong enough to say no, and I am afraid of consequences, and arguments betw son and dad that can be very angry. I am feeling that if I can not control the situation, I need to remove myself from it. in this case physically.
my husband is not ready to move, even though that is all he has talked about for years. This is why I am starting counseling. by June I need to see real recovery. I am going to start packing stuff. My other dilemma is that I was let go from my job in Oct. I will get unemp starting in Jan. Do I get a new job real quick - to be able to bank $$ - in order to move, and not deplete savings, or do I stay on unemp and focus on house and possibly moving.
