My oldest son is 19. He finished one year of college but has had ongoing problems with alcohol addiction since going away to school. I have sent him to intensive outpatient therapy, two different rehabs and he goes to a counselor. He is on meds for depression and anxiety. I kicked him out of the house the first time a few months ago for coming home high and drinking. He ended up going to his dad's. His dad kicked him out for drinking. He then went to the doctor and got prescribed antabuse. That was a month ago. Last week he took a bottle of his brother's ADD medication and today I found out he has been taking my debit card, using it and putting it back. So I kicked him out this morning. He really doesn't have any friends or relatives left that will take him in. I'm feeling awful and wondering if I made the right move.
Absolutely you did! Tough to do but necessary if he is to pay consequences for his bad choices! If you continue on this path and enable his behavior with drugs or alcohol, you will just get a continuation of the same pattern.
When he contacts you do not give him money or help but tell him that you will no longer be helping him until he goes to a rehab or program and proves himself. Secure your belongings and do not let him move into your home. If you do, you will just be in for more of the same and trust me, you won't be happy. Took me 20 plus years to learn this and now I have a 45 yr. old addict that is homeless and lost. He started at age 16.
Sad you have to deal with this, but at least you can change yourself and stop it now. Hopefully he will change himself and get off this path of destruction he is on. Only he can do that --NOT YOU!
Check out Alanon or Narcanon and you will get support to help you with this difficult journey.
Prayers and hugs--Lori
When he contacts you do not give him money or help but tell him that you will no longer be helping him until he goes to a rehab or program and proves himself. Secure your belongings and do not let him move into your home. If you do, you will just be in for more of the same and trust me, you won't be happy. Took me 20 plus years to learn this and now I have a 45 yr. old addict that is homeless and lost. He started at age 16.
Sad you have to deal with this, but at least you can change yourself and stop it now. Hopefully he will change himself and get off this path of destruction he is on. Only he can do that --NOT YOU!
Check out Alanon or Narcanon and you will get support to help you with this difficult journey.
Prayers and hugs--Lori
Lori...thank you so much for your reply. I needed to hear this.
Hi, Yes I agree with Lori. Her and I have been going through this for years. I'm 18 years into it with my daughter. I wish I had found this website years ago to help me. I would have learned so much. They all try the guilt trips on us and like to blame us. It's got absolutely nothing to do with us. We are not responsible. Those anxiety meds, if it's Xanex they can abuse them to get high. Also the ADD meds can be used to get high off also. I hope when he sees your not enabling him anymore he gets help. When you get to feeling hopeless try to tell yourself you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Only he can. Take care and I hope things get better for you and your family! Mary
Lori, I hope your son is safe along with you and your family. Thinking of you all Mary
Lori, I hope your son is safe along with you and your family. Thinking of you all Mary
As a 50 yr old recovering addict who was enabled by her parents for years....YES , you did the EXACT right thing my dear! You have tried the "other" way and it didn't work. If nothing changes..nothing changes.
YES YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!! Ditto to everything that Duchess, Jen & Mary said.
I know it's hard. Especially when they are young adults. And, when you are relatively new to "Addiction." Sending a huge hug your way. I get it. . .the fear. . .the worry. . .the frustration. . .the anger. . .the pain. . .the doubt. . .this is against everything you've ever thought about doing for your baby. I know. I understand. We paid for 5 semesters of college before our daughter's GPA fell to a D- and we yanked her out & brought her home. That was last December. She had no degree, was 20 yo, no skills, no job, and (altho I didn't "know" at the time) a heroin problem. After she sold all my jewelry (including my wedding band) in February 2016, we gave her a choice: inpatient Rehab or the Streets. . .she had 24 hours to make the necessary arrangements & be on her way to detox or be packed and moved out. We live in the Northeast USA. . .its COLD here in February. But I was never so serious. . .I would have put my only child in the streets!!! Not bc I was mad (well. . .I'm lying. . .at the time that was a reason). . .but bc she had done the unthinkable. . .she crossed a boundary, just as your baby did.
She chose to go to rehab.
Praying that your baby does the same. Also praying for your strength and comfort.
Lynn
xoxo
I know it's hard. Especially when they are young adults. And, when you are relatively new to "Addiction." Sending a huge hug your way. I get it. . .the fear. . .the worry. . .the frustration. . .the anger. . .the pain. . .the doubt. . .this is against everything you've ever thought about doing for your baby. I know. I understand. We paid for 5 semesters of college before our daughter's GPA fell to a D- and we yanked her out & brought her home. That was last December. She had no degree, was 20 yo, no skills, no job, and (altho I didn't "know" at the time) a heroin problem. After she sold all my jewelry (including my wedding band) in February 2016, we gave her a choice: inpatient Rehab or the Streets. . .she had 24 hours to make the necessary arrangements & be on her way to detox or be packed and moved out. We live in the Northeast USA. . .its COLD here in February. But I was never so serious. . .I would have put my only child in the streets!!! Not bc I was mad (well. . .I'm lying. . .at the time that was a reason). . .but bc she had done the unthinkable. . .she crossed a boundary, just as your baby did.
She chose to go to rehab.
Praying that your baby does the same. Also praying for your strength and comfort.
Lynn
xoxo
Read What Not To Do by MomNmore. go over it with your son if you can. explain that he needs to be responsible for taking care of himself. your job is to teach him to independent. I have 2 children who have gone down path. my daughter was younger - 17-18 . we kicked her out after 2 rehabs, and a year of dealing with Chaos!! Nightmare that we could no longer have in our house. Her turning point was living in a basement apartment, basic cable, in the city, middle of winter. getting a cab and a bus at 5 am to get to a bagel store for a job interview, climbing over snow banks, waiting in the cold..... we gave her $50 per week for food, she realized she did not want to live this way and she had to stand up and decide what to do, to get herself out. She joined the Army, where she could be independent from us, work, learn, have a steady pay check.
Our son's story is different and has been harder bc he was older and had full-time jobs and lived across country. he stayed under the radar for years... terrible at managing $$. we would always kick in $$ when he was short. we always wondered why he never saved a dollar... always short... but he was so far away, we would financially put the band-aids on, in order to help him succeed.
In his case, we gave too much for too long. we co-signed car loans, helped w insurance, rent etc, in our belief - to help him succeed.... years later we realize the loss of our money. we helped the crazy train keep going.... we thought since he was working, always had a job, that he couldnt be doing drugs.... problem is the pain pill addiction is hard to recognize until it is full blown....
They need to be homeless and without food or support in order to realize that they need to support them selves. either buy drug and alcohol or buy food and pay rent.
If he wants something he has to work and save for it.... phone, car, rent....
We made it too easy for our son. he did not have to put out too much effort for us to help..
not responsible for his actions, too much time on his hands.
Do not let him drive, do not cosign loans, forget about college until he can get there himself.
Our son's story is different and has been harder bc he was older and had full-time jobs and lived across country. he stayed under the radar for years... terrible at managing $$. we would always kick in $$ when he was short. we always wondered why he never saved a dollar... always short... but he was so far away, we would financially put the band-aids on, in order to help him succeed.
In his case, we gave too much for too long. we co-signed car loans, helped w insurance, rent etc, in our belief - to help him succeed.... years later we realize the loss of our money. we helped the crazy train keep going.... we thought since he was working, always had a job, that he couldnt be doing drugs.... problem is the pain pill addiction is hard to recognize until it is full blown....
They need to be homeless and without food or support in order to realize that they need to support them selves. either buy drug and alcohol or buy food and pay rent.
If he wants something he has to work and save for it.... phone, car, rent....
We made it too easy for our son. he did not have to put out too much effort for us to help..
not responsible for his actions, too much time on his hands.
Do not let him drive, do not cosign loans, forget about college until he can get there himself.
PS - The Armed Service is not for everyone and not a cure. It was my daughter's answer, for her. She could not trust herself to stay away from drugs so she put herself in a place where she had little opportunity. She had seen the army ad's on the basement TV. There is a recriutment period and my daughter was completely responsible for getting all of her papers in order, medical, etc, and getting physically fit, the office was near where she was living in the city. we did not do it for her. she WANTED IT. and DID IT.
My son is a slow learner. 27 going on 17..... 2 rehabs in past year and a half... on his recovery journey. he still has one foot in and one foot out. we have managed to become more and more hands off over the last 2 years.... this is good for us and him. hopefully he finds his way too.
Good Luck!
My son is a slow learner. 27 going on 17..... 2 rehabs in past year and a half... on his recovery journey. he still has one foot in and one foot out. we have managed to become more and more hands off over the last 2 years.... this is good for us and him. hopefully he finds his way too.
Good Luck!
I have spent a sleepless night with my son calling/texting me and telling me how cold he is...it is heartbreaking to say the least. I am so glad that I found this board. Finally, people that know exactly what I'm going through.
Lisa
Lisa
Hi Lisa Welcome and all friends
This is where you need to be. Good people going through the the same.
It's hell!! My son started at 13...and just turned 21. He is such a good person
With a big heart. Z has been to about 12 or 13 rehabs (I'm losing track) and
About 12 or more sober living homes and the street and several shelters.
When I held my beautiful son as a baby I never thought he would become a
Drug addict. I was loving my son to death and constantly trying to fix him.
His dad died and I was the only one left to help (everyone else has given up)
The last year has been tough. I was so stressed, not sleeping, and getting sick.
I put my son first.
It's now changed. I first got on here and met some great people. I started going
To Alanon meetings and taking care of me. Also, going to counseling because I
Put my fianc last.
It's not perfect but I'm sleeping better.
My son is in a sober living and spends a lot of time with his girlfriend.
I'm. It sure what he's doing but he sounds sober when I talk to him. He is working
On some goals. I told him he's a man now and time for him to take care of himself
Because I have to take care of me. Just remember...we cannot fix our loved ones.
It's up to them. I'll keep y'all in my prayers.
Hugs
PAULA
This is where you need to be. Good people going through the the same.
It's hell!! My son started at 13...and just turned 21. He is such a good person
With a big heart. Z has been to about 12 or 13 rehabs (I'm losing track) and
About 12 or more sober living homes and the street and several shelters.
When I held my beautiful son as a baby I never thought he would become a
Drug addict. I was loving my son to death and constantly trying to fix him.
His dad died and I was the only one left to help (everyone else has given up)
The last year has been tough. I was so stressed, not sleeping, and getting sick.
I put my son first.
It's now changed. I first got on here and met some great people. I started going
To Alanon meetings and taking care of me. Also, going to counseling because I
Put my fianc last.
It's not perfect but I'm sleeping better.
My son is in a sober living and spends a lot of time with his girlfriend.
I'm. It sure what he's doing but he sounds sober when I talk to him. He is working
On some goals. I told him he's a man now and time for him to take care of himself
Because I have to take care of me. Just remember...we cannot fix our loved ones.
It's up to them. I'll keep y'all in my prayers.
Hugs
PAULA
Go to Meetings. AA or NA for your son, Al-Anon or Nar-anon for you and your husband. My husband and I went for over a year. It got us on the same page and gave us strategies.
very important for the recovering addict or alcoholic to go to meetings for a long time, to keep the past in the present and to support as needed.
My son has been to 2 rehabs and program and a really good halfway house. He has learned what he needs to do. but he does not continue w meetings, he thinks he can do it on his own.
he needs the meeting to keep the momentum going and to surround himself with the right people.
the people who have been there, are successful, have years under their belt. the ones that dont believe the bull S and will tell them so.
very important for the recovering addict or alcoholic to go to meetings for a long time, to keep the past in the present and to support as needed.
My son has been to 2 rehabs and program and a really good halfway house. He has learned what he needs to do. but he does not continue w meetings, he thinks he can do it on his own.
he needs the meeting to keep the momentum going and to surround himself with the right people.
the people who have been there, are successful, have years under their belt. the ones that dont believe the bull S and will tell them so.
In total agreement with everyone's suggestions/comments. Don't waver from stopping the enabling. You will be helping, not hindering in the long run if you are able to detach. The key is to detach with love. If you can, get to some support group meetings (al anon or Nar anon).
With my son, would also feel guilty about not providing shelter, but they are more resourceful than we know. Take care.
With my son, would also feel guilty about not providing shelter, but they are more resourceful than we know. Take care.
I feel so helpless and so weak. Jake has been sleeping in his car since I kicked him out. I have been trying to keep busy with homecoming for my other 2 kids...but now I have some downtime and I have so much guilt I feel like I can't breathe.
The thing is we all have to follow rules and suffer consequences. HE is CHOOSING to sleep in his car. YOU aren't doing it to him. He made that choice by stealing from you ect...
my son was taking my debit card to get gas, and then putting it back. He thought that was not stealing - because sometimes if he asked me and I would say yes that he could use it. the problem is that he was working full time and should not have needed my funds to buy gas
find support in your area. look at the "find treatment" and "Programs and Resources" tabs above.
He is old enough to get a job and live in a sober living or halfway house and pay rent. he will have meetings and support there. you have younger children to take care of. tell him he if he's old enough to (fill in the blank), then he is old enough to be financially independent and learn how to take care of himself, pay for his own stuff-car ins, payments, phone, etc. many many other 19 year olds do.
find a program or solution where he will be treated like an independent adult so you do not have to continue to baby-sit. Policing them is impossible. you don't want to live as the rule enforcer. that is exhausting, and not productive.
(my son is in recovery - doing ok, but not 100% clean, and not 100% independent. He was for a while but has been struggling lately. maybe if I had the awareness many years ago and not let the little things slide, I would not be on this board today)
find support in your area. look at the "find treatment" and "Programs and Resources" tabs above.
He is old enough to get a job and live in a sober living or halfway house and pay rent. he will have meetings and support there. you have younger children to take care of. tell him he if he's old enough to (fill in the blank), then he is old enough to be financially independent and learn how to take care of himself, pay for his own stuff-car ins, payments, phone, etc. many many other 19 year olds do.
find a program or solution where he will be treated like an independent adult so you do not have to continue to baby-sit. Policing them is impossible. you don't want to live as the rule enforcer. that is exhausting, and not productive.
(my son is in recovery - doing ok, but not 100% clean, and not 100% independent. He was for a while but has been struggling lately. maybe if I had the awareness many years ago and not let the little things slide, I would not be on this board today)
I know it feels like you "kicked him out", but the reality I had to come to is that setting appropriate boundaries is not the same as kicking someone out. If you said it was okay to live with you, steal from you, use drugs, alcohol and pills, and do everything else, and then you said, "hey, I've changed my mind" that would be kicking him out. But telling someone they can't steal from you and take advantage of you, and let you enable him, is not kicking him out. It is setting boundaries. I am slowly learning the difference. You are doing the right thing.
I had a weak moment and let him come back home a few weeks ago. He spent all of thanksgiving on xanax. Took his phone, took his car and dropped him off at the homeless shelter yesterday. He has been dealing drugs as well as taking whatever he can get his hands on. Xanax, hydrocodone, Ritalin, cocaine...this mama is done. Because he is so manipulative he somehow convinced a neighbor to let him sleep in their heated garage. I warned her that he will steal and lie to get what he wants. She said she is going to take him someplace and get him help. Good luck with that...I have been doing that for a year. This time I am not even questioning that I did the right thing. I can't allow my other kids to be around that behavior. He has gotten fired from the last 4 jobs that he has had, sleeps all day, games all night. This house is peaceful right now. Never in a million years did I think this is how his life would be..
At this time I am struggling to stay in the moment. When our kids are experiencing serious drug and alcohol abuse we worry about their health, their brain, their lack of control but we also fill in all the missing information because we know our kids refuse to provide the truth. Sometimes the future is so dark in our minds that we frighten ourselves to the extreme! I need to stop doing that and I hope you aren't.
Stay strong and continue to maintain the boundaries you need to establish and keep with him!
You're protecting your family. This is not an easy life and to quote Lenard Cohen, love is a "cold and broken hellalujah".
Stay strong and continue to maintain the boundaries you need to establish and keep with him!
You're protecting your family. This is not an easy life and to quote Lenard Cohen, love is a "cold and broken hellalujah".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE
KD Lang does a lovely rendition.
I will be curious to see what happens with the neighbour. Addiction=Drama in my case. Stay strong. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
KD Lang does a lovely rendition.
I will be curious to see what happens with the neighbour. Addiction=Drama in my case. Stay strong. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Whoo Hooo! Congrats! Each time that kind of a situation happens and you take control you are getting stronger, take back your life, protect your home and other children. Nice Job!
It feels empowering to take control and say NO MORE!
The more you do it, the more you CAN do it, and the better your life will become!
Protect your home with extra locks, cameras or alarm system, if you are able to.
You can DIY inexpensively, not too complicated, but I am not sure how to set things up. My husband and I talk about cameras, etc but have not done it or figured out how to do it.
lol - put up some cameras outside at the door ways, but dont hook them up! At least your house will look protected!
PS - Yes, it is still sad, and there are moments of heartbreak.
It feels empowering to take control and say NO MORE!
The more you do it, the more you CAN do it, and the better your life will become!
Protect your home with extra locks, cameras or alarm system, if you are able to.
You can DIY inexpensively, not too complicated, but I am not sure how to set things up. My husband and I talk about cameras, etc but have not done it or figured out how to do it.
lol - put up some cameras outside at the door ways, but dont hook them up! At least your house will look protected!
PS - Yes, it is still sad, and there are moments of heartbreak.
