I know this board is for people who are trying to help addicts and probably not for an addict, but I am kinda scared. I am a current Crystal Meth Addict. I inject. I started with my current partner who is even deeper into meth than I am. Every time I put the needle in my arm I hate all of it. But I can not stop. I want to but its everywhere I go. I feel like I am running from everything. My work, school, and personal life have started to fall. I am HIV+ and I am only 21. I want to quit... but something pulls me it wont let me get away. I am not proud of my addiction it started out as experimental, I was a club kid. Now I am just .. I dont even know how to say what I feel. Is there anyone out there that understands me?
Dear Scared Addict, If you really want to quit or want to find ways to etc. look in the phone book for Narcotics Anonymous. It is a membership of recovering addicts and addicts who sincerely want to quit. They will help. I was addicted to crystal for the main part of 20 yrs. Today makes 77 days clean for me. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. It begins to add up. If I start the "burning yearnings" I have members #'s to call for support. I am almost ready to get a sponser and buckle in for the long haul. I want 90 days clean first. It works if you are willing to listen and accept help. Linda
Scared Addict, You do need to replace people-places-and things. Or all the old triggers will fire and you will probably lapse. Linda
Hi scared addict,
There is help out there. I don't know where you live however, substance abuse and HIV is very dangerous for you and there is treatment center that can help you get better. I work in a program for women and Men substance abuse w/ Hiv/ Aids. People do get better. I want to write more to you however I have to get to work. If you want more information let me know. My heart goes out to you.
Love and support,
Recovery Happen.
There is help out there. I don't know where you live however, substance abuse and HIV is very dangerous for you and there is treatment center that can help you get better. I work in a program for women and Men substance abuse w/ Hiv/ Aids. People do get better. I want to write more to you however I have to get to work. If you want more information let me know. My heart goes out to you.
Love and support,
Recovery Happen.
Lets see if I can kill two birds with one stone.
How can I replace everything in my life right now. I have NO family, NO place to go, NO one to still consider me human. I feel so alone, I want to quit but I dont feel a lot of the pain when on Crystal. I feel well not good even, I feel numb. I hate needles, drugs, sex that is meaningless. But I hate more is that I am alone, I started drugs to fit in and I have no idea how it progessed over only about 2 years to slamming it into my vein. I dont know how it got out of control, I used to consider myself strong and independent. Now it is all a show. I am currently somehow able to pull the blinds over everyones face. I maintain a job, grades in school, and somewhat of a decent weight. But I ask myself what for, I am alone. I love my partner ( yes I am a homosexual which makes life even more crappy) he is the one that got me started on crystal, but its not his fault I started. I want to understand how he felt, what was going on in his head. He loves me. I just, I really do want to quit. But feel like I cant. I am afraid I will never be able to quit....I actually cry when I am alone, I get mad at myself even as I slide the needle in I sometimes cry, but its like someones hand is forcing me to do it. As if my will is gone, and if I try to quit my body, heart and almost feels like my soul is being beaten. I suddenly feel alone in the dark. I feel helpless I know you say I have to want to quit, but there is so much more. I feel like there are no reasons to fight, what good am I now. I am damaged goods, what really hurts is I did it to myself. I didnt do it thinking I was gonna end up like this. I thought it would be fun do it once or twice and never have a problem. I thought I could control it. But I cant I feel almost as if Crystal has taken over me, as if it decides what I do. Its almost my family, when i dont have one. I just hope someone has the same feelings I do. How do you beat this alone, how do you find light in the darkness. I keep fumbling and just dont understand why I do what I do, I know I sound stupid and should have never tried. I never thought I would end up like this. I just wish I could break these chains that are holding me. I want to I really do, but why cant I.
As for the HIV/AIds help for addicts. I would love help. But dont have the money for rehab. Or the support group, or place to go after I get out. I feel helpless and that hurts too. I am sorry. I wish I could say your advice sounds great, but its stuff I have told myself. Just quit. I dont need this stuff. I am a good person. But I cant do this alone, but you just dont have a magical support group. I feel like I cant communicate whyat i need, because honestly. I feel like I dont know what I need. Because I cant speak it or begin to comprehend. The reason I feel like I want to quit is because when I start to come down I feel something no someone (my old self) screeming for help but he also crys in the dark for something or someone. So I dampin him by using a substance that is killing my body. It shows in my skin, I have to wear long sleve shirts to hide rashes, or track marks. I have been asked a couple times why I smell kinda like menthal, kinda like fule, kinda like all these other chemicals. I say that I was working on my car. I just dont know how to do this, is there a way to do this alone? Is there a way to find MY way? I dont make sense, even to myself. I hope this makes sense to somebody. Because I am trying to make it make sense to me. ...... I am tired of this pain...so tired. Anyone with a response feel free to give imput. Maybe at least it would be nice to know I am not alone.
How can I replace everything in my life right now. I have NO family, NO place to go, NO one to still consider me human. I feel so alone, I want to quit but I dont feel a lot of the pain when on Crystal. I feel well not good even, I feel numb. I hate needles, drugs, sex that is meaningless. But I hate more is that I am alone, I started drugs to fit in and I have no idea how it progessed over only about 2 years to slamming it into my vein. I dont know how it got out of control, I used to consider myself strong and independent. Now it is all a show. I am currently somehow able to pull the blinds over everyones face. I maintain a job, grades in school, and somewhat of a decent weight. But I ask myself what for, I am alone. I love my partner ( yes I am a homosexual which makes life even more crappy) he is the one that got me started on crystal, but its not his fault I started. I want to understand how he felt, what was going on in his head. He loves me. I just, I really do want to quit. But feel like I cant. I am afraid I will never be able to quit....I actually cry when I am alone, I get mad at myself even as I slide the needle in I sometimes cry, but its like someones hand is forcing me to do it. As if my will is gone, and if I try to quit my body, heart and almost feels like my soul is being beaten. I suddenly feel alone in the dark. I feel helpless I know you say I have to want to quit, but there is so much more. I feel like there are no reasons to fight, what good am I now. I am damaged goods, what really hurts is I did it to myself. I didnt do it thinking I was gonna end up like this. I thought it would be fun do it once or twice and never have a problem. I thought I could control it. But I cant I feel almost as if Crystal has taken over me, as if it decides what I do. Its almost my family, when i dont have one. I just hope someone has the same feelings I do. How do you beat this alone, how do you find light in the darkness. I keep fumbling and just dont understand why I do what I do, I know I sound stupid and should have never tried. I never thought I would end up like this. I just wish I could break these chains that are holding me. I want to I really do, but why cant I.
As for the HIV/AIds help for addicts. I would love help. But dont have the money for rehab. Or the support group, or place to go after I get out. I feel helpless and that hurts too. I am sorry. I wish I could say your advice sounds great, but its stuff I have told myself. Just quit. I dont need this stuff. I am a good person. But I cant do this alone, but you just dont have a magical support group. I feel like I cant communicate whyat i need, because honestly. I feel like I dont know what I need. Because I cant speak it or begin to comprehend. The reason I feel like I want to quit is because when I start to come down I feel something no someone (my old self) screeming for help but he also crys in the dark for something or someone. So I dampin him by using a substance that is killing my body. It shows in my skin, I have to wear long sleve shirts to hide rashes, or track marks. I have been asked a couple times why I smell kinda like menthal, kinda like fule, kinda like all these other chemicals. I say that I was working on my car. I just dont know how to do this, is there a way to do this alone? Is there a way to find MY way? I dont make sense, even to myself. I hope this makes sense to somebody. Because I am trying to make it make sense to me. ...... I am tired of this pain...so tired. Anyone with a response feel free to give imput. Maybe at least it would be nice to know I am not alone.
I dont know about you , but to me a relationship is built on support of each other,.....gay or hetero, friends or lovers. We are who we surround ourselves with, and if you are feeling this way , you need help with it . Obviously you arent getting what you need in this relationship. Meth has a way of letting us follow it into false security. Before you know it your entire life revolves around getting high and self pleasures which become increasingly more risky and built on a false foundation. If you truly want to quit , you will HAVE to give up all that still use, go to meetings if not a rehab place. There are people who care and and are in the same boat, that will support you , YOU have to make the step of moving away from using, and towards recovery. My whole life was about my kids and their mother, but she used and quitting wasnt an option . After 35 years of using , I moved on , away from my kids and all that I knew(my kids are grown) I am almost 60 days clean now and getting better all the time , I met a woman online that is wonderful in her support of me , I can understand the lonely part of what you feel , just remember METH does not make a very good partner ......unless what you are wanting is to live in a vast nothing!!,...trust me, that is all meth will leave you with NOTHING. you need to seek help in meetings at a minimum, At least then you will find support ,....good luck
Scared addict,
There are so many people that feel just like you, you are not alone. you just need to continue to reaching out for help. Coming to this message board is a start. As far as having money there are treatment center you can go to. I work at one that you would not need money. You can get on GR. There this housing available to people that are substance abusers and have HIV. I am sorry you are feeling everything your feeling and my heart goes out to you. I know you don't think so right now but there is hope and you can get better. You need to fight for your life. Are you on any meds for you HIV? I don't want to come at you as if I am lecturing you. I do HIV/ Aids education and I'm not sure if you even what to write about it or how much information you have, So I am just going to tell you There is help out there you can get better. you do not have to stay trapped in your addiction. It is hard work however you can do it. You take care if you want anymore info I'll do anything I can to help.
Love and Support,
Recovery Happens
There are so many people that feel just like you, you are not alone. you just need to continue to reaching out for help. Coming to this message board is a start. As far as having money there are treatment center you can go to. I work at one that you would not need money. You can get on GR. There this housing available to people that are substance abusers and have HIV. I am sorry you are feeling everything your feeling and my heart goes out to you. I know you don't think so right now but there is hope and you can get better. You need to fight for your life. Are you on any meds for you HIV? I don't want to come at you as if I am lecturing you. I do HIV/ Aids education and I'm not sure if you even what to write about it or how much information you have, So I am just going to tell you There is help out there you can get better. you do not have to stay trapped in your addiction. It is hard work however you can do it. You take care if you want anymore info I'll do anything I can to help.
Love and Support,
Recovery Happens
Dear Scared Addict, Honey, You are not alone. We, recovering addicts, are out there. We don't advertise the fact that we were users. We are there. You have made an effort by reaching out for help. Now you need to start following through. My friends in recovery and I have equipped, or are in the process of doing so, ourselves with tools to support us in our struggles. We gird ourselves with protective armor. We still have battles against our foe. It isn't easy. All you need to join n.a. is the desire to quit. Sure they pass a basket and when I have I do contribute. But when I don't I can't. I can't let myself feel bad over this. My friends in recovery know my situation and they only want me to be there so they CAN help me. Give it a shot. We can do together what we could not do alone. I truely feel for you . It is your choice so I just want to be clear it doesn't work unless YOU work it. LOve and Support, Linda lindag478@yahoo.com
Yes I think I do understand.You probaly feel very lost and very alone.I too am still an addict I think I may end up being a lifer because I can't seem to stop If you would like to write back and forth maybe we can help each other.I am a 37 yr old mom of 2 and I understand lost
Wow, wasnt expecting anyone to reply to me after that last post. I read your guy's posts in a computer lab during class, was hard to keep from crying. K to address all of you individually.
Recovery,
Yes I am on HIV meds have been almost 9 months. I am on Systiva, Epivere, Virede. I have a tcell cound of 512 and a undetectable viral load. How this happens with the amount of slamming I do and sleep I dont get and food I dont get I have no idea. I got HIV before I started using Crystal. I got it from my current partner who accidentally gave it to me. Well he was stupid and cheeted on me. But we got through it. I was 18 almost 19 when I got it. He was the only the 3rd guy I have ever really DATED, and only the 2nd to ever not use protection. I felt I was safe, and really loved him. I still do. I do not blame him for what is inside me. We have been togethor now for over 2 years. Yes he introduced me to to Crystal when we went to a rave in Denver, I had never seen the stuff, we went to an after hours party and some guys start smoking some shardlike substance, I was a little scared and didnt want to do it. He said that it would let us drive all the way home that day. And it held true to everything. We got home all the way without the worry of sleep, had the most what seemed passionate sex in my life and it was great....We started taking road trips every few months and would "party and play" sex and drugs on the vacations and never did any drugs in my home state. Then we moved for his work to a new town that ended up being the drug capital of the state and his employees ended up being a supplier for him. So we broke our rule of drugs in our state. Then a few months after we moved here a very attractive guy that lived only a few miles away invited us to party and play, the first time this had ever come up in our state. We went...however he was a slammer, he offered us to try...my partner got excited, I got scared and he went ahead...not wanting to be left out I allowed the guy to slam me for me. It was the highest I had ever been. Now I have smoked, snorted, hot railed anything EXCEPT slam because I dont get half the high as I do from slamming. Now though I am not using to get HIGH, I am using it to function. To go to work, to go to school. If I dont do it I wanna sleep and feel like s***. I tried to go without it for a week. On the seventh day I had a seizure and was rushed to the ER they did cat scans x rays blood work you name it. Found nothing wrong. Sent me home saying it was probably a manifestation of a flu virus or something. So I went home sick, the next day my connection came through for more. I slammed and have been slamming ever since every day to function. I have slept every night and eaten at least 2 big meals a day and since I have been on meds I have only missed 1 dose. i am told that this is very good. Because my doctor (who knows I slam) I told him, says that adherense to the meds needs to be 98%. I am doing good with that. I just am scared to take a step alone, I dont want to fall. My whole life I have fallen...from foster home to home.... from town to town.
Just,
I know that I need to get rid of all contacts and triggers and stuff like that. But I do not want to leave the only person I love behind. He has said several times that he wants to quit to. But he always has relapsed because he cant get rid of all his triggers. How do I do this, without losing everything. I have no one if I lose him. I honestly have no family...
Linda,
Thank you for being so sweet and passionate. It really made me smile today. I would love to do this along side someone, the thing is. I need someone real, someone I can see every day that will ask me how I feel and really give a care. And not judge me if I tell them I have an urge to go do crystal, instead try to help me not. Does that make sense. I need someone real... not an email a day type thing. Something that wont do it for me, but if I fall will not get angry and hurtful will just help me back up....
Molly,
Would be nice to exchange thoughts back and forth. I believe that our age difference doesnt matter because of the substance we are fighting. Please feel free to post or if you want let me know and we can find a pvt way to communicate. My heart goes out to you, I am scared and feel alone. I ask god why would he allow me to do this. Why has my life been the way it has. I havent gotten any answers all I have gotten is HIV and an addiction and no family. I wonder and ask constantly what kind of god would let this happen to one of his children. Because I didnt ask for this, I went into meth pretty much blind. I grew up in montana in a small town. Where drugs....were pretty much pot booze smokes and chew. I didnt know how addictive crystal was. Besides when I first tried it they called in TINA, never heard of it. If they said Methanfatamine or whatever. I have read about those and honestly would have never touched the s***. Feel free, lets see if we can offer at least a hang to eachother. Well I need to get to my lit class. Hope you all have a good day and thanks for responding.....I need the response. I havent smiled in a while....
Recovery,
Yes I am on HIV meds have been almost 9 months. I am on Systiva, Epivere, Virede. I have a tcell cound of 512 and a undetectable viral load. How this happens with the amount of slamming I do and sleep I dont get and food I dont get I have no idea. I got HIV before I started using Crystal. I got it from my current partner who accidentally gave it to me. Well he was stupid and cheeted on me. But we got through it. I was 18 almost 19 when I got it. He was the only the 3rd guy I have ever really DATED, and only the 2nd to ever not use protection. I felt I was safe, and really loved him. I still do. I do not blame him for what is inside me. We have been togethor now for over 2 years. Yes he introduced me to to Crystal when we went to a rave in Denver, I had never seen the stuff, we went to an after hours party and some guys start smoking some shardlike substance, I was a little scared and didnt want to do it. He said that it would let us drive all the way home that day. And it held true to everything. We got home all the way without the worry of sleep, had the most what seemed passionate sex in my life and it was great....We started taking road trips every few months and would "party and play" sex and drugs on the vacations and never did any drugs in my home state. Then we moved for his work to a new town that ended up being the drug capital of the state and his employees ended up being a supplier for him. So we broke our rule of drugs in our state. Then a few months after we moved here a very attractive guy that lived only a few miles away invited us to party and play, the first time this had ever come up in our state. We went...however he was a slammer, he offered us to try...my partner got excited, I got scared and he went ahead...not wanting to be left out I allowed the guy to slam me for me. It was the highest I had ever been. Now I have smoked, snorted, hot railed anything EXCEPT slam because I dont get half the high as I do from slamming. Now though I am not using to get HIGH, I am using it to function. To go to work, to go to school. If I dont do it I wanna sleep and feel like s***. I tried to go without it for a week. On the seventh day I had a seizure and was rushed to the ER they did cat scans x rays blood work you name it. Found nothing wrong. Sent me home saying it was probably a manifestation of a flu virus or something. So I went home sick, the next day my connection came through for more. I slammed and have been slamming ever since every day to function. I have slept every night and eaten at least 2 big meals a day and since I have been on meds I have only missed 1 dose. i am told that this is very good. Because my doctor (who knows I slam) I told him, says that adherense to the meds needs to be 98%. I am doing good with that. I just am scared to take a step alone, I dont want to fall. My whole life I have fallen...from foster home to home.... from town to town.
Just,
I know that I need to get rid of all contacts and triggers and stuff like that. But I do not want to leave the only person I love behind. He has said several times that he wants to quit to. But he always has relapsed because he cant get rid of all his triggers. How do I do this, without losing everything. I have no one if I lose him. I honestly have no family...
Linda,
Thank you for being so sweet and passionate. It really made me smile today. I would love to do this along side someone, the thing is. I need someone real, someone I can see every day that will ask me how I feel and really give a care. And not judge me if I tell them I have an urge to go do crystal, instead try to help me not. Does that make sense. I need someone real... not an email a day type thing. Something that wont do it for me, but if I fall will not get angry and hurtful will just help me back up....
Molly,
Would be nice to exchange thoughts back and forth. I believe that our age difference doesnt matter because of the substance we are fighting. Please feel free to post or if you want let me know and we can find a pvt way to communicate. My heart goes out to you, I am scared and feel alone. I ask god why would he allow me to do this. Why has my life been the way it has. I havent gotten any answers all I have gotten is HIV and an addiction and no family. I wonder and ask constantly what kind of god would let this happen to one of his children. Because I didnt ask for this, I went into meth pretty much blind. I grew up in montana in a small town. Where drugs....were pretty much pot booze smokes and chew. I didnt know how addictive crystal was. Besides when I first tried it they called in TINA, never heard of it. If they said Methanfatamine or whatever. I have read about those and honestly would have never touched the s***. Feel free, lets see if we can offer at least a hang to eachother. Well I need to get to my lit class. Hope you all have a good day and thanks for responding.....I need the response. I havent smiled in a while....
Hi-
I have been drug free for 15 years but remember the 15 years of addiction like they were yesterday. I know the feeling of wanting out but not knowing what to do to get free, the pull of the dragon (meth), and the lifestyle or lack of life it offers.
I ended up in prison for 3 years at the end, that was my bottom. After my release in September of 1990, I was overwhelmed with the choices I had to make and went right back to the needle. One night as I was in the part of the additive cycle that allowed me to see where I was headed I asked God to help me. Prior to that I didn't even know if there was a God. It was a really tough road but because I no longer felt alone, I made it to where I am today. I reached out for support wherever I could find it, church, NA, counseling, new friends, etc. I let go, I mean completely and permanently of the old friends and old hang outs and filled those with new ones that were good for me. At this point, this addict, ex hooker, thief, and all the rest, yeah me. Well I have a great job of 10 years, with retirement, a home I am buying, friends that are there when I need them, and most of all my God who always listens and points the way! YOU CAN TO THIS!!!!
From someone who really cares!
Godsgirl
I have been drug free for 15 years but remember the 15 years of addiction like they were yesterday. I know the feeling of wanting out but not knowing what to do to get free, the pull of the dragon (meth), and the lifestyle or lack of life it offers.
I ended up in prison for 3 years at the end, that was my bottom. After my release in September of 1990, I was overwhelmed with the choices I had to make and went right back to the needle. One night as I was in the part of the additive cycle that allowed me to see where I was headed I asked God to help me. Prior to that I didn't even know if there was a God. It was a really tough road but because I no longer felt alone, I made it to where I am today. I reached out for support wherever I could find it, church, NA, counseling, new friends, etc. I let go, I mean completely and permanently of the old friends and old hang outs and filled those with new ones that were good for me. At this point, this addict, ex hooker, thief, and all the rest, yeah me. Well I have a great job of 10 years, with retirement, a home I am buying, friends that are there when I need them, and most of all my God who always listens and points the way! YOU CAN TO THIS!!!!
From someone who really cares!
Godsgirl
I know the frustration and fear you feel , I have backspaced probably 15 times trying to find the words to help , But I am at a loss as to what I could say , except for one thing.....I and others are always here, to listen, give advice when we can , Sometimes when the pressure gets too heavy, just venting off what you are feeling helps, some feel that just cause they are still using, dont belong here , (charmed? I am directing that at you sweety) but it takes all of us to deal with this. The addicts know first hand the effects of meth, but nothing of the havoc on their loved ones lives,,, ...the flip side is people that see so clearly the changes in someone they care about , yet have no understanding of what it is like , and why people use meth. I am scared to death I might relapse, it is only a matter of time before I am asked if I WANT A LITTLE, how will I stand up to it?? With the help of people, like the people here!! You may think you are alone, but NO, YOU ARENT!! there are many many people just like you , me ...fearing of failure and addiction.....but in knowing that ........in sharing of fears and failures we learn and become much stronger . I am not a religous fanatic, or a holy roller so to speak. but I do believe in a higher power,....wether it be God, or the power of God is just the human spirit creating amazing wonders,...it is real and in having faith , all things are possible . sorry if I am preaching (geeez I have changed since quitting, haha) I guess it's just that when all else fails, where else can you turn ??? by the way, I never reread anything I post , I just shoot from the hip, and speak what I feel , I wish I was as confident in what I write as I was when I was using .....oh well , best wishes all
Dear Scared Addict, My partner is a man I met because of our addiction. We fell in love and due to underlying issues we have survived a break up-make up relationship. We were both trying, unsuccessfully, to quit meth. He went to jail and I started recovery on my own. When he was released,2 1/2 weeks later, he only stayed clean for 2 days. I wanted recovery for myself and I didn't try to force it on him. Watching me, seeing my attitude change, my healthy glow, younger look, and my demeaner change brought him into recovery. Today is 80 days for me and 10 for him. SA, I believed that I would die being an addict. This recovery is a miracle to me. I want to share this wealth. Please, for yourself, just give it a chance. I changed myself. I decided that I needed to put as much effort into recovery as I had put into using. Helping addicts who want to listen helps me stay focused on my own recovery. May you have peace in your choices...Love, Linda
Sorry SA, That last post was from me . I forgot to log in.lol. May you find recovery, Love,Linda
Hello to everyone,
The love on this site is so amazing. No matter what any of us are going through or where were at in our addiction or recovery we have truly connected here. And that puts a smile on my face. Scaredaddict hang in there we are all here for you. I am happy to read how you are doing with your meds. If you have no hope take mine and everyone else on here that knows there is life after meth. I did it for 20 years and I have a amazing life today. Justonemore you are a miracle in progress keep up the great work. It is always wonderful to read how much you care. And to everyone else thank you for shaing yourself on this site.
Love and support
Recovery Happens
The love on this site is so amazing. No matter what any of us are going through or where were at in our addiction or recovery we have truly connected here. And that puts a smile on my face. Scaredaddict hang in there we are all here for you. I am happy to read how you are doing with your meds. If you have no hope take mine and everyone else on here that knows there is life after meth. I did it for 20 years and I have a amazing life today. Justonemore you are a miracle in progress keep up the great work. It is always wonderful to read how much you care. And to everyone else thank you for shaing yourself on this site.
Love and support
Recovery Happens
Sorry for the long time with no post,
I have been kind of in a bad spot. I have been really sick with a M.R.S.A infection Methecillin Resistant Staph. Its spread all over my hole body. I have a wound about .5inches deep and 2 wide under my armpit. They have me on IV drug theoropy every 12 hours. They put a central line in me and everythings. It just been a real mess. I am probably going to have to medically drop a course or two this semester in college and try salvage what has been almost been lost. I havent done any Tina since the Saturday before Turkey day. I can tell you that the withdrawls on top of my infection have almost killed me, or its felt like. I was so lethargic all I wanted to do was sleep and sleep and eat and sleep. What scared me is I didnt realize how deep into drugs I am, until now. Because now I have been dreaming about doing Tina. For the first time in what seems like days I am at a somewhat functional energy level. Tomorrow I go to school and try to fix what I seem to have messed up. They think its all medical, they have no idea... it hurts me that I cant tell them that I need help. That the real reason my grades and body have began to faulter is because I am a sick freak, addicted to Crystal Meth and I slam. Right now sober I look at myself in disgust, but part of me wants to do some tina to not feel so nasty and dirty. The other part just reread some of my own entries and your responses and I am feeling, I mean really feeling as if there is no hope. HOW do I just leave all this behind, my friends....the one I love. And start a new life, clean, and not feel dirty or as if I am being chased by the darkness(crystal). I am not sure how long I will be able to stay clean right now, I am hoping as long as possible, but its only a matter of time till my partner gets a shipment in or someone I know says "You want some". I am in a hole and my life has rapidly declined. One minute I am mr. 4.0 college guy, now I am HIV MRSA infected scarred addict. I have no one to run to and no place to go alone. I have no family to run to and to help me "dissappear". If I need to dissappear and start over, I dont have any idea where to begin. I honestly dont know anyone close to me that can help me to do that, and I am so afraid to do this or to be alone. Linda....recovery.....anybody... seriously how do I make the magic happen. And why does even thinking about trying to get better make me want to cry and make me feel like I am dying. I am completely sober right now and constantly long for more. But my heart is saying no. How do I work this miracle, before I lose everything that I am? Would love to type more but need to get to the hospital for IV theropy. It is so annoying to have to be there every 12 hours for an hour. I cant plan anything and Have missed some serious school. I know I only did this to myself, but how could I let me do this to me, how could go allow me to even walk this path. Right now I feel intense depression.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, mine was ok after I woke from sleeping. My heart cries out to you, but also wishes you all the best. Thanks for listening.
-Sober ScaredAddict
I have been kind of in a bad spot. I have been really sick with a M.R.S.A infection Methecillin Resistant Staph. Its spread all over my hole body. I have a wound about .5inches deep and 2 wide under my armpit. They have me on IV drug theoropy every 12 hours. They put a central line in me and everythings. It just been a real mess. I am probably going to have to medically drop a course or two this semester in college and try salvage what has been almost been lost. I havent done any Tina since the Saturday before Turkey day. I can tell you that the withdrawls on top of my infection have almost killed me, or its felt like. I was so lethargic all I wanted to do was sleep and sleep and eat and sleep. What scared me is I didnt realize how deep into drugs I am, until now. Because now I have been dreaming about doing Tina. For the first time in what seems like days I am at a somewhat functional energy level. Tomorrow I go to school and try to fix what I seem to have messed up. They think its all medical, they have no idea... it hurts me that I cant tell them that I need help. That the real reason my grades and body have began to faulter is because I am a sick freak, addicted to Crystal Meth and I slam. Right now sober I look at myself in disgust, but part of me wants to do some tina to not feel so nasty and dirty. The other part just reread some of my own entries and your responses and I am feeling, I mean really feeling as if there is no hope. HOW do I just leave all this behind, my friends....the one I love. And start a new life, clean, and not feel dirty or as if I am being chased by the darkness(crystal). I am not sure how long I will be able to stay clean right now, I am hoping as long as possible, but its only a matter of time till my partner gets a shipment in or someone I know says "You want some". I am in a hole and my life has rapidly declined. One minute I am mr. 4.0 college guy, now I am HIV MRSA infected scarred addict. I have no one to run to and no place to go alone. I have no family to run to and to help me "dissappear". If I need to dissappear and start over, I dont have any idea where to begin. I honestly dont know anyone close to me that can help me to do that, and I am so afraid to do this or to be alone. Linda....recovery.....anybody... seriously how do I make the magic happen. And why does even thinking about trying to get better make me want to cry and make me feel like I am dying. I am completely sober right now and constantly long for more. But my heart is saying no. How do I work this miracle, before I lose everything that I am? Would love to type more but need to get to the hospital for IV theropy. It is so annoying to have to be there every 12 hours for an hour. I cant plan anything and Have missed some serious school. I know I only did this to myself, but how could I let me do this to me, how could go allow me to even walk this path. Right now I feel intense depression.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, mine was ok after I woke from sleeping. My heart cries out to you, but also wishes you all the best. Thanks for listening.
-Sober ScaredAddict
Dear Scared Addict, I feel such empathy with you. An addict is an addict. Doesn't matter how much, what kind, or how we use. We all have the same problem. We are powerless against our addiction. Admit this to another human. And a higher power. Which can be God, this group, a table, the air. Whatever you find yourselve comfortable with. I had a b**** of a first thirty days. Lethargic, empty, and cravings. When I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to do it alone, I found the nearest n.a. meeting. Whew, I felt so at home and comfortable. Then I found a few sites on the net. More support and recovery "families". You say you have no family? We are all a family...recovering addicts united and supporting each other and new people trying to find a way to recover. I can't change the fact that I am an addict. That I have choices to make. I know the first time I think I can handle and control drugs I will end up active again. For today I choose not to use. I have a family love for you and want to be able to help and support you. Bottom line is. .Only you can do the work. You've got to want to bad enough or all the help in the world isn't going to do it. I can lead you to the tools that aid in recovery but you have to be willing to do the work. I care!!! Love, Linda.
Scared Addict, Just letting you know I care. How are you doing? Please let me know how life is. Thanks, Your friend,,,Linda
Linda and friends,
I am doing ok. I have to go to the hospital 2 times a day for IV antibiotics. I am alive though. I just feel so confused...part of me wants to run, part of me wants the drugs, and part just wants to give up. I have been clean for 3 weeks. BUT my dealer tracked me down and is going to come "visit" me tomorrow. I told him I didnt have the money to buy anything and he said he just wanted to hang out. I know I know, why cant I tell him to leave me alone? I want to ....it seriously crossed my mind. But I couldnt, the my mouth wouldnt do it....I think I need to change my name to NoSpineAddict.
I am doing ok. I have to go to the hospital 2 times a day for IV antibiotics. I am alive though. I just feel so confused...part of me wants to run, part of me wants the drugs, and part just wants to give up. I have been clean for 3 weeks. BUT my dealer tracked me down and is going to come "visit" me tomorrow. I told him I didnt have the money to buy anything and he said he just wanted to hang out. I know I know, why cant I tell him to leave me alone? I want to ....it seriously crossed my mind. But I couldnt, the my mouth wouldnt do it....I think I need to change my name to NoSpineAddict.
ScaredAddict, Baby, You don't know how many times I quit ( I can't even count them) and started back up. I'd see some-one I used with or one of my dealers and I'd be off and running again. I just hope you wake up before you waste 20 years of living. Let my experience, our experiences, be a tool to help you find an early recovery. We can only keep what we have by giving it away. And baby, Life is soooo much better clean. My love and support,,,Linda
