Kittycat?

Haven't heard from you at all today. How is everything going? Sorry if I have neen consumed in my own life right now, but I really do not know what to do. I have the urge to drive down to where my bf is and ring his little neck. All of a sudden he's all ballsy and says he doesn't need me. Read my other post if you need more info. Really need some advice.
Poohbear, so far things are alright with me. He stayed over the last two nights, was gonna go home tonight but he found out his brother is jonesing really bad and he even pawned off his clothes for drugs. So now he's gonna come over. It bugs me though the past two days that my bf doesn't call on his first break, or at lunch. They don't really have a phone to use at work but he made an effort before, he just calls at his 3 pm break and before he leaves. Makes me wonder if he's really going in to work in the mornings. I hate wondering. I'm sure he is but theres that part of me that wonders.

As for you, sorry your bf is acting like this..my bf desperately wanted to leave rehab last December and I tried everything I could to keep him there but he said he doesn't care if I leave him, he wants out. He was just being miserable. I'm sure your bf didn't mean what he said about caring whether or not you leave, its just that he's miserable and he figures your "tough love" (as my bf called it) isn't going to work or keep him in there. .And just like you, I was upset, and refused to sit by and watch him throw his life away.
Don't be surprised if he says he has learned a lot and doesn't need any more help, because after a week and a half in rehab, my bf figured he didn't need anymore, that he can quit drugs with my help.
He might do the same, say he can quit with your help. I had hope after he did leave but he relapsed none the less.
Be prepared though, I'm sure he won't want to be apart from you but chances are good things will go back to the way they were before..
Anyways keep me posted..
kittycat,
do you get nervous when he stays at your house? Or do you fell safer knowing he is right there with you? Do you leave him alone in your house ever? I don't think I asked how was your V-day?
Poohbear, V-day was alright, we had dinner at my place and he cooked it! And then we watched Desperate Housewives, haha. He came over yesterday and we hung out too.
As for him being at my place, I prefer it because I know what he's doing at all times. I mean, before I knew what signs to look for when he was high, he would be doing it right under my nose, now he knows better because he's afraid I will call the cops when he's not looking, and he's right!
I've done it once before so he knows I'm serious.
As for leaving him there alone, no I hate it. I hate the thought of him doing crack in my apartment, when I'm not there. I'd rather if he's going to do crack that he does it at his own house (well at his moms). I have a lot of stuff there that I'd be scared he'd pawn like DVD's, my new tv, stereo, etc...he's never done it but I still worry about it...plus Just don't like the idea period. You know how many times I'd be at work and I'd call him and he'd sound like he's doing crack, and I'd ask and of course he'd deny then I come home to the wonderful surprise of my apartment being messy (I'm a clean freak) with ashes on my carpet, in my sink, baking soda on the counter, small chunks of crack on my coffee table or kitchen sink, food half cooked....and he's left for home! Or the few rare precious times coming in and seeing him high and denying it and then kicking him out.
Anyways sorry for sounding so bitter, he hasn't called me from work once today..it just makes me mad. He usually always calls on one of his three breaks but not today. And he better not use the "line was busy" excuse cause I know it wasn't! If he skipped work, he would call but still I can't help but wonder you know?? He always calls when he leaves work on my cell phone but I wonder, did he show up in the morning for work? His work is very lenient with him, he can take a morning off anytime he wants to. If he doesn't call when he leaves work today and says "oops sorry, forgot" then thats it. I'm going to lose it. He'd totally flip out on me if I was at work and I didn't call him on my breaks. Anyways we'll see what happens...
Have you heard back from your bf yet?
I can't believe he would do it in your apartment, even if you weren't there. What if the cops ever went there, wouldn't you be some what resposible too? I talked to my bf last night. He sounded better, and he's not mad about my letters. He goes into the next stage tomorrow. He also said we could talk about further treatment when we have more than 3 minutes, or if he can get visitors. So I am not giving up just yet. But his emotions are so up and down right now it's hard to tell you know? Does your bf go to any meetings or anything? another thing is I was never into drugs, I smoked pot in high school and thats it. I drink but only when I go out. How the hell do I find these people with drug problems?
Well I'm glad your bf feels better. Hopefully he continues with his treatment. I know what you mean, I don't do drugs either, two years ago I tried Speed and well, it was fun, and I did like the high, so I can relate to why they love it so much but thats all I did was try it. Never touched it again, but I can see how people can get addicted, because I did it all weekend, but I couldnt handle the "coming down" from it..I was extremely depressed.
My boyfriend came over again last night, he found out his brother pawned off some clothes for crack so now he's worried he pawned some of his off to the dealer.
But we also got into a big fight right before bed. He's been staying at my place a lot lately and I said I wanted some money for it to help me out. He said I feel bad that your money situation sucks right now but I'm broke. Then he said the only reason he's staying here so much is because his brother is doing crack and he doesn't want to relapse. Oh so thats where I'm supposed to be glad he's making an effort not to relapse so he can just stay at my place for free. I said relapse or not, you can't stay here unless I get some money. He said fine I won't stay here anymore! Then 15 minutes later, he's talking about buying a brand new gold chain and I'm like hello....you want me to let you stay with me for free so you can buy a gold chain??
Uugh, so frustrating!! I made him sleep on the couch where the hamster was running in her wheel really loud, lol.
I mean last week I was down to my last five dollars and we were at the mall and he wanted me to buy us McDonalds and I did. He said he had no money..then he accidently pulled out $10!! Then on the weekend he was complaining he was hungry again when we were shopping and said he only had $3 and if I can buy him something. I said sorry I don't have any money. He keeps forgetting I pay rent and bills and groceries. So he goes and buys lunch for $8, after he just said he had only $3. Seriously what a mooch! And trying to manipulate me to stay for free saying otherwise he'll relapse at home?? He makes me so mad!
Does he pay any rent at his Mom's?
If he doesn't, then how can he be broke if he's working every day?
We all know by now that addicts are very manipulative with their money and getting it from you and getting things for free or getting us to pay for things.
Don't fall for it Kittycat!!
And it's not up to you to provide him with a roof over his head or to keep him from relapsing.
If he is serious about not being able to stay at home because he thinks he will relapse there, then he should gladly hand you some money to stay at your place.
It should be money well spent to him towards his recovery!
Doesn't all the lying about $ make you think he is using. That would be my first thought. Why wouldn't he spend his, he's supposed to be the man right? Not that I should talk, never once did he pay for a dinner, or anything. I was even buying his cigarettes for him. So I think I am a sucker for that as well. I mean all my other bf's would rather die then have me pay for anything. My ex that I was with for 4 years, who I am still very close with, wouldn't even let me buy a pack of gum. And now forget it I throw my $ away so he can get high, nice life huh. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. He should really think about moving out of his house. How can his mom let all that stuff happen, do they have anything left after his brother pawns everything? I wouldn't care if I had to sleep in a car if one of my siblings was pawning all the stuff in our house I would leave. It's only a matter of time before he makes his way to your bf's stuff. Do you have a good relationship with his family. Are you sure its not him that's pawning everything, and he's playing it off like his brother? Not trying to make you worry, just my whole thinking now is who's manipulating who, you know?
Thanks to both of you...
Mickey..no he doesn't have to pay rent, although he does give her money. The house is horrible. EVERYTHING is in boxes, junk everywhere, his mom is a pack rat. She's a nice lady though, very nice. Her bedroom has no bed. In that house theres boxes and junk but no furniture but one couch. His brother has no clothes, he pawns it.

Poohbear,
I do wonder where his money goes. I never get to see his bank statements or his paychecks but last weekend he spent $350 on clothes, and lawyers fees. I do wonder where it does go though, and as far as his brother pawning off his stereo, well he came over crying saturday that his brother pawned it BUT I gotta wonder about that since he did sound like he was using last tuesday and he had no money. Cause I was like, if your brother pawned it, why aren't you more mad? Why are you crying but not angry like usual? I don't know, I have no proof but he says he doesn't pawn stuff and I know he has. His mom has told me.
He pawned his cell phone to a dealer, he pawned his expensive watch so why not the stereo? I do wonder but he'd never admit it.
I bet if I asked his brother he'd tell me my bf did pawn it.
I think maybe he cried for show to me, and felt bad about what he did.
I just can't imagine ever living like that.
His mom knows they are doing crack in that house, the dealers are always coming by but she just pretends its not happening and she goes to her daughters place. I guess she figures it is better they do it in her house than out on the streets, I don 't know. But she's the worst enabler I have ever known.
You know sometimes I wonder about parents thinking. I mean my bf mom would smoke pot with him, and I think that's fine if he wasn't an addict in the first place. And sometimes he would say he felt like getting high and his mom would either smoke a joint with him, or tell him to go get drunk. Hello, that is substituting when high for another don't you think? I think being clean is clean of everything, all substances included. And she's really laid back about calling hi counselor and stuff like that. I think its definetly harder for them, these are their children and they have to accept them, but I think there still should be some sort of ground rules. Now she is saying he can't come home until he does his time, I think thats a good thing. He should not be able to. He promised all of us thirty days. I hope she sticks to it. Not that she is turning his back on him, but she has been through this two other times with him, and I think she has had it. But I agree with Mickey, where is his $$ going? And if he wants to stay with you he should pay at least 1/2. But it's hard to because he might say he will, and you know as well as I there will be some excuse every month where the $ has gone.
Ya that is not good that his mom smokes with your bf. My bf's mom isn't like that but she does bring him marijuana when he's at my place. He's been smoking it more and more lately and I mentioned to him that he should abstain from ALL drugs! AND alcohol. Especially alcohol, he ends up in trouble with the law on alcohol he gets violent. Thats why I refuse to be around him when he does drink. He hasn't in a long time so thank God for that. But I can see it happening slowly, when he first got out of rehab, he said no more smoking, no more marijuana, but he went back to smoking and now he's smoking joints again. That will all just lead to crack. He just doesn't get it.
I hope your bf's mom sticks to it and won't let him back in but I bet she will, my bfs mom has threatened the same thing over and over. He'll give her the same bs story to get back in.
Last year before my bf went to rehab he was actually really good at always giving me half the rent. When he FIRST moved in with me, he didn't give me rent for 3 months..he'd have the money, then pick a fight with me, and go spend it. Then he'd say it was my fault I didn't get the rent because we had a fight. Finally I just kicked him out and now he knows I won't let him back in without rent money. Last time I sorta got my revenge on that last May when he gave me his half of rent in advance and ended up not staying over once due to his everyday crack use. He wanted a 'refund' I told him to forget it.
Why should I give him back his rent when I got ripped off three months in a row?
It sure seems like most addicts are like this, moochers and manipulators. My brothers the same exact way. He's addicted to pills and marijuana and is the biggest mooch ever.
They are frustrating aren't they? Like we have nothing better to spend our money on than on them just so they can have enough for their drug of choice.
Aargh! He just called and I asked if he's going home tonight and he said yes and sarcastically he says "because you don't want to be taken advantage of, remember?" Then he says, oh ya my brother is going to be doing crack tonight so...ya...
I said well you can sleep over but for the week I want $75 cause it'll have been everyday since last friday (except sunday) then its gonna go on tomorrow night till all weekend so if you really want to get away from your brother, you can stay for that money. He said nevermind..I'll just stay home.
So why do I feel guilty? I won't give in. Even if it means worrying about him using all night. I refuse to let him do this to me.
Try your best not to feel guilty. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you last night. I had a few things to do. He's pretty nice saying that about his brother, as if it will be your fault if he gets high. Does he go to meetings at all? Why don't they understand the meaning of clean? One drug leads to the next. I'll like to drill it into his head sometimes. Do you think we are just wasting time doing this?
Honestly Poohbear, we are wasting our time with these guys..thats my opinion. No he's going to no meetings, nothing, he figures he can quit on his own. I very much doubt that. Wheres your boyfriend?
We fought last night, he phoned and wanted to come over, he said he'd give me some money for the week but thats barely anything! I said for the week its $75! Thats what it works out to. He said forget it! I can't believe him, he makes more money than I do and yet he's still trying to take advantage of me. He seems to think everyone owes him. Then he played his little games, like I'm going over to a friends house, I asked what friend and he said no one you know. You know, little games. He says I just want to stay with you for the two weeks! I said okay, $150. If you want to get away from your brother that bad, thats a small price to pay! He said no I'll give you $80. I said its not negotiable! Why should I be scraping by so you can get a deal on living expenses?

Then he just called and asked if I can rent us movies on my Visa for the weekend. I said no..he said he'll pay me back. I said well forget it..what if he doesn't? What if he smokes it all? I can't afford to pay for anything extra, I just found out I have to pay taxes from my refund and I need to be careful!
Did you boyfriend try to mooch as well?
Oh yeah he mooches.
I say we tell them to take a hike and go on vacation and meet some rich guys and to hell with them. God knows we deserve it.
My bf is still there thank God, he got a bed. I just spoke to him and he is a bit irrational, but I guess it can be expected. Honestly, I don't want to hear it anymore.
Tonight I am going out and partying. Enough is enough, I need to get out and get my mind off of this, its crazy
So are you seeing your's tonight? I can't believe you live on your own and he won't even pay for a movie? Maybe you should hire a PI. I would have but I have this really weird sense and I do my own investigating. His cell phone is in my name which made it pretty easy too. Let me know if you need advice with finding stuff out, I could give you a few pointers.
Thanks Poohbear...As far as where all his money goes, I know he gives his mom some money towards rent..and he buys clothes. He buys expensive stuff like Tommy Hilfiger and track suits like Puma, etc and he has like 15 pairs of sneakers. If he's not buying crack he's addicted to clothes and jewellery. Well he doesn't have anymore jewellery, his dealers have that. But he lies and says he's paying his retribution and lawyers fees, but since I never get to see his check and how much he made (its none of my business apparently) and I don't get to see his statements or anything its hard to know where his money goes. He never goes out, he's either at my place or home. I don't know, got any tips for me??
Sorry, but I have no idea what to tell you. You already know you should just forget him, but I know as well as you that that won't happen until they do something extremely bad. By extreme I don't know, because all of this is extreme. But hopefully by then it won't be too late for us, you know? Too bad you can't get a hold of his pay stub, then you could have him write down an itemized list on where is $ is going. If he really wants to stay with you (live w/you). He should understand that you need to know what your total income will be together. And if he has a cell, when he's in the shower/bathroom go through it and write down as many $$ as possible. Then if you call them ask who it is and ususally I can tell what type of person it is. If not you could have someone else do it for you. I know how sneaky and dishonest this is, but it was the only way I found out about my bf, otherwise I would have never known. And if you ever see his cell bill laying around, take it!! I guess I am a little devioous myself, but I just think about it the same way if I suspected he cheated on me. I would take the same exact steps. I'll think of some other ways to figure him out. Good Luck
Thanks Poohbear..
He has no cell phone, his friend got him a phone last year but he racked up the bill and his friend had to pay for it, plus my bf pawned the phone to a dealer anyways. So even if he had a cellphone he'd end up pawning it.
I know how tricky we have to get sometimes..three months ago when he was not working an he was collecting WCB checks for a work injury, he was staying with me (paying his share of rent) and I bought another caller ID phone and hid it under my bed in a shoe box, but it was plugged in but silent. When I came home, sure enough his dealers number was on it so I busted him! I called his dealer and flipped out on him, and gave the police his number.
Its funny how you said we'll never leave them unless something extreme happens, lol, I ALWAYS tell myself that! You'd think that lying, mooching, doing drugs, disappearing etc..would be extreme! To someone in a normal relationship that IS extreme!
But we are so used to it now, its become almost a normal part of our daily lives. Thats the sad fact.
Yes we are seeing each other tonight, he's coming over after work and we are going to go shopping..of course...he said he will start to pay off his debt towards me ($1300 for smashing in the door and buzzer system in my last place). So he said if I put stuff on my VISA, I can lock it up and pick out something that I want and he'll pay for that. I said fine, but I'm gonna give my neighbor his stuff to keep at her place, and since they hate each other, she won't give it to him. Then he can quit bugging me for the stuff before he pays me for it. No more mooching! And I plan to have a talk with him about this rent situation.
And the sex situation. This is another issue, he wants it EVERYDAY. I want a break from it every now and then! But he just expects it all the time. If the mood hits him, even if I'm not into it, its basically my job to do something about it. Its started fights between us. Hey I like sex too but it gets annoying everyday! Some days I'm tired, not in the mood or not feeling well....uurgh!
I can relate to the sex thing. Maybe we should exchange e-mails, in case someone else reads this stuff. I know its anonymous(sp?) but still. That is the best idea about hiding the caller ID phone. Thats a total 'me' move!!!
Poohbear, my email is alien_hamsters@yahoo.com