Kiwi, I understand the frustration and sadness you are feeling. I built up a fairly successful law practice over the course of 15 years and have seen it slip through my fingers during my cancer and the aftermath.
As bad as that is, I think it the sense of feeling useless that is worse. It is difficult or impossible to even consider something like a long term relationship, since it is hard to see what it is that I can bring to the table. Certainly not long term stability that comes with financial security. Certainly not the energy and vitality that comes with simply being the strong man that I once was.
I can tell you that I sank into a major depression in recent months--as bad as any I have ever been in.
I finally had to face up to the fact that what I was doing was not working, so I took steps to try to reverse the spiral. For me, this meant picking up the phone and calling a mental health professional , a stranger, and then taking the time to slowly develop a relationship with him to start working on some of these issues. Even though I disdain all forms of substance ingestion, I realized that the chemo had affected me like it had thousands of others--it had disrupted my brain chemistry and thus it was entirely appropriate for me to begin a regimine of antidepressants to reach a point of stability during this period.
This entire cancer thing started with me about 4 years ago and the struggles continue day by day. I still have to deal with some fatigue, and it is hard to build a law practice given my weakened state. It is even harder to find the motivation for why I should do so. However, I am taking the appropriate steps to face up to my circumstances head on, to put one foot in front of the others, to take it one day at a time, to do The Next Right Thing
Many of my colleagues are now senior partners in some of the most powerful law firms in the large metropolitan city in which I work and live. Another friend of mine made hundreds of millions during the 90s and is now among the most powerful business leaders in the country. It would do me no good to attempt to compare my circumstancet to theirs; to compare my insides to their outsides. Instead I must simply acknowlege that God chose a different path for me. That is His gift to me, my gift to Him is what I do with it. It is part of my recovery to let go of my anger at not having the life I wanted and instead, seek to do the best I can with life I was given.
Sounds to me like you are fortunate in that your family can afford to help you through this difficult time. In addition to the suggestions I have offerred, i.e., seeking the aid of the mental health community and following their suggestions, I would also offer that yours are the types of circumstances that can forge an incredibly strong manhood if you look at it right. I have pasted below a prayer that was sent to me by one of the members of our forum, Kysharon. I have it taped on my kitchen counter and I look at it each day to remind myself that God has blessed me in countless ways.
Please continue to reach out to others on this forum. Please seek help from family, friends, and counselors. Please do not fall into the trap of false manhood by attempting to carry this burden all alone.
I know I have said harsh things to you in the past. I apologize if they increased your pain. When facing this kind of threat in our lives, we need to avoid sinking into anger or self pity. These are manifestations of our addiction that will kill us quicker than they will the average addict. Instead, it becomes all the more important that we take the appropriate steps to work our way through our pain, our isolation, our illness, and most importantly, our fear.
Gosh, sure am glad that Mitzy was up to her old multiple postings, otherwise this would have escaped me.
Good luck.
August
Sharon's Prayer
I asked God for strength that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for-----but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.
kiwi sure gets a lot of press.
Nothing wrong with that
But there are others here who have problems,concerns, and on-going issues that are in need of just as much focus.
We all feel for kiwi (one way or another) .All posts to him are about love and sincerity- now it might be time for him to go foward.
Dont beat me up- its just a thought
Nothing wrong with that
But there are others here who have problems,concerns, and on-going issues that are in need of just as much focus.
We all feel for kiwi (one way or another) .All posts to him are about love and sincerity- now it might be time for him to go foward.
Dont beat me up- its just a thought
Ok I feel really bad..I did not mean to start controversy, or arguments, or anything like that. I posted something out of genuine concern for a fellow addict, and did not expect this to happen...Not to say that it is bad that everyone has showed support, but I feel like this took a wrong turn somewhere, and I apologize for that truly..
Stardust and Jack...
I came here for support. I came here to talk to people and learn. But I know that life is full give and take. And I understand that there are times when other's needs are more important than mine. I think everyone needs to learn that first and foremost. Jack, I think you need to understand that we are all here for each other and ourselves. And that when one link in the chain is kinked, the entire chain must be moved to fix that link. One day YOU may be that link. At that time, WE, the chain, will move to fix you. Stardust, I would not blame yourself. You are just a link in the chain trying to help get the chain moving.
Just my two cents.
Knee Deep
I came here for support. I came here to talk to people and learn. But I know that life is full give and take. And I understand that there are times when other's needs are more important than mine. I think everyone needs to learn that first and foremost. Jack, I think you need to understand that we are all here for each other and ourselves. And that when one link in the chain is kinked, the entire chain must be moved to fix that link. One day YOU may be that link. At that time, WE, the chain, will move to fix you. Stardust, I would not blame yourself. You are just a link in the chain trying to help get the chain moving.
Just my two cents.
Knee Deep
Kiwi Dont make me drive all the way to Calgary to kick your a** ok cause I can and I will Only a 2 day drive from here buddy!!
Jackofhearts,
I couldn't agree with you more.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Don't know about you, Kiwi, but that great advice made me stop feeling sorry for myself..
It is about wanting what you do have, not wanting what you don't...
And although I can relate to pain, you have got to change your attitude about life...material possesions are nice, but they don't make a person.
I see extremely wealthy people all the time; they are often the most miserable inside because they have what society calls happiness...and it just doesn't work.
Like Rachel said, it is an inside job...
Kerry
It is about wanting what you do have, not wanting what you don't...
And although I can relate to pain, you have got to change your attitude about life...material possesions are nice, but they don't make a person.
I see extremely wealthy people all the time; they are often the most miserable inside because they have what society calls happiness...and it just doesn't work.
Like Rachel said, it is an inside job...
Kerry
I know lots of rich people and for every rich person, I know about a hundred wannabe rich people who strive to convince others that everything is OK because they have a nice car, a nice house and nice clothes. These folks want to be thought iof as rich and they identify with the rich but usually they are nothing more than grist for the mill.
All of this is nothing but a lie, an illusion. Real wealth is more about being chained than being free. With real wealth, you spend a lot of your time dealing with lawyers.
All the stuff that impressed me when I was a pup in my 20s now falls into the category of the "small stuff." Having said that, ill health is a major big deal and depression that accompanies it can be crippling.
However, life is not about getting what we want, but rather, how our character is forged by dealing with the adversity that we encounter. People whose character have not been forged in the fires of adversity are among the most boring on earth, no matter what kind of car they drive.
August
All of this is nothing but a lie, an illusion. Real wealth is more about being chained than being free. With real wealth, you spend a lot of your time dealing with lawyers.
All the stuff that impressed me when I was a pup in my 20s now falls into the category of the "small stuff." Having said that, ill health is a major big deal and depression that accompanies it can be crippling.
However, life is not about getting what we want, but rather, how our character is forged by dealing with the adversity that we encounter. People whose character have not been forged in the fires of adversity are among the most boring on earth, no matter what kind of car they drive.
August
People whose character have not been forged in the fires of adversity are among the most boring on earth, no matter what kind of car they drive.
Well said.
Kerry
Well said.
Kerry
