If you answered my question, I didn't see it - probably b/c of all of the outpouring of love and support for murray and family. I will ask you again one on one -
Has anyone ever died very close to you? I'm very sorry if they have but if so,
you have a strange way of dealing with it, by tormenting others who are going through this.
I lost my son and my Father (son first - within 5 months of each other)
and you can't think when this happens, you just get through it, you are in shock.
My son's was an accident so I went to bed one night and woke up with one son less the next morning - a drunk driver hit him. I tried so hard to be "normal" for my other sons. They worried about me and their Father and we worried about them. it took us about a year to be as normal as we will be. You never get over it but you do laugh, have fun, enjoy life again. When it 1st happened, I would have killed myself for sure if I'd not had my 2 other sons and that was way before the Lortabs.
My Father had a stroke and we watched his body deteriote over the years. They say one way of grief is no worse then the other. With an accident, you grieve all at once. When there's cancer. stroke, etc., you start greiving as soon as you hear the news.
I read every book in the library on losing a child to keep myself from going crazy. I learned that other people were going through and feeling the same crazy thoguhts that I was.
I am thankful b/c it could have been worse. It could have not been instant and he could have suffered. He could have been kidnapped and tortured - I don't think I could sleep at night if s'thing like that happened. Anyway. have you no compassion? She was just saying what was on her mind. I look at these message boards as group therapy and you bring everything to the table.
Also, I have tried to kill myself b/c of these pills and when you wake up and your 2 sons are standing over you, you decide you will never do that again and I am not one to say NEVER! Our loved ones want us hear no matter what.
You don't think you could drum up a little compassion and say your sorry - I hope you really mean it if you do. Some people go through life untouched by death.
Maybe you have had your problems and it's made you bitter but when someone loses someone - that's a different matter or are you just a mean person?
Jean,
First off Im not saying sorry TO ANYONE. I didnt do anything wrong.
Second - Since you went through all the torment and time to twice your whole story out twice, I can give you 2 minutes of my time and reply.
As a matter of fact YES someone close to me did die. When I was very, very sick at the tender age of 21, lost 35 pounds no one knew why, I flew across the country because my grandparents got me in to see a specialist in their city and because of their kindness Im here today. Without that emergency help, I dont know what would of happened to me....Ever since that day I have always had a special place in my heart of my grandpa and grandma.
SO fast forward - 3 yrs later. Now im 24. I just found out my grandpa was sick. I never heard anything before that he was sick or why?? So I drove out there this time because I planned to stay a while. When I got there Im sure I was in a state of shock the whole time. Everybody there and there was ALOT of people there knew he has lung cancer, except him. No one could bear the thought of telling him because he wanted to live SO BAD, he was 82 at the time. He didnt seem to bad then, good spirits. Everyone told him he had a broken rib.. I felt really bad and didnt know what to do. I never experienced anything like this before. That was in June.
4 months later - August we heard we was very ill, close to death. So I flew out there again. I just sat there and looked at him. Infront of me was this person who possibly saved my life and because of a couple ignorant, egotistical, pathetic doctors who wouldnt do anything or run any tests to take care of this yrs ago, I had to watch him suffer, hard... He was so weak, all he would do is cry. I don't know if you have ever seen a 82 yr old grandpa cry but I assure you it's something that stays with you..... I felt so helpless, he couldnt even get up, eat, or go to the bathroom but he still wanted to live so bad. I knew when I left that time, it was the last time Id see him alive......
September that year was the funeral. Even tough old me couldnt hold back tears. I was happy to carry the casket.... and bury him that wonder fall day. The leaves were turning yellow and falling off the trees. I remember that day well...
NOW - my dad has terminal Non-hogkins Lymphona (cancer). Infact its back again and hes going for radiation treatment next week. I even sold my condo and moved home to be with my parents and support them while my other 3 brothers barely or never even make a phone call..
So to answer your question. I know what death is and having someone close to you die. I hope I dont have to go though it again soon with my dad....
Theres your answer. Now piss off and leave me alone. Im not saying sorry for anything I ever said and I never will. I didnt do anything wrong and this is a message board will people post what they think!
First off Im not saying sorry TO ANYONE. I didnt do anything wrong.
Second - Since you went through all the torment and time to twice your whole story out twice, I can give you 2 minutes of my time and reply.
As a matter of fact YES someone close to me did die. When I was very, very sick at the tender age of 21, lost 35 pounds no one knew why, I flew across the country because my grandparents got me in to see a specialist in their city and because of their kindness Im here today. Without that emergency help, I dont know what would of happened to me....Ever since that day I have always had a special place in my heart of my grandpa and grandma.
SO fast forward - 3 yrs later. Now im 24. I just found out my grandpa was sick. I never heard anything before that he was sick or why?? So I drove out there this time because I planned to stay a while. When I got there Im sure I was in a state of shock the whole time. Everybody there and there was ALOT of people there knew he has lung cancer, except him. No one could bear the thought of telling him because he wanted to live SO BAD, he was 82 at the time. He didnt seem to bad then, good spirits. Everyone told him he had a broken rib.. I felt really bad and didnt know what to do. I never experienced anything like this before. That was in June.
4 months later - August we heard we was very ill, close to death. So I flew out there again. I just sat there and looked at him. Infront of me was this person who possibly saved my life and because of a couple ignorant, egotistical, pathetic doctors who wouldnt do anything or run any tests to take care of this yrs ago, I had to watch him suffer, hard... He was so weak, all he would do is cry. I don't know if you have ever seen a 82 yr old grandpa cry but I assure you it's something that stays with you..... I felt so helpless, he couldnt even get up, eat, or go to the bathroom but he still wanted to live so bad. I knew when I left that time, it was the last time Id see him alive......
September that year was the funeral. Even tough old me couldnt hold back tears. I was happy to carry the casket.... and bury him that wonder fall day. The leaves were turning yellow and falling off the trees. I remember that day well...
NOW - my dad has terminal Non-hogkins Lymphona (cancer). Infact its back again and hes going for radiation treatment next week. I even sold my condo and moved home to be with my parents and support them while my other 3 brothers barely or never even make a phone call..
So to answer your question. I know what death is and having someone close to you die. I hope I dont have to go though it again soon with my dad....
Theres your answer. Now piss off and leave me alone. Im not saying sorry for anything I ever said and I never will. I didnt do anything wrong and this is a message board will people post what they think!
Kiwi, my thought is with reading both posts, I feel you can say anything you want, freedom of speech, but I think it's just the "I'm sorry for your loss".
Donna,
I like cats too.
I like cats too.
Great reply!!! I like dogs too but never had one.
kiwi,
you seem to have so much anger inside..rightfully so..
i understand how you feel.as i said before, my dad also had
lung cancer.it was one of the hardest things i'v ever had to deal with.
and i know all to well the anger that stays inside..
my hope for you is that you find someone to talk to and
you learn to let go of this..there is a big,beautiful world out there
w/ wonderful people in it.and life is to short to stay this bitter..
i would like very much to reach out to you and help if thats
possible.i will be happy to talk or just listen if ever you wanted to..
it's an open inventation.
either way please take care of yourself,
your want-to-be freind,
dj
you seem to have so much anger inside..rightfully so..
i understand how you feel.as i said before, my dad also had
lung cancer.it was one of the hardest things i'v ever had to deal with.
and i know all to well the anger that stays inside..
my hope for you is that you find someone to talk to and
you learn to let go of this..there is a big,beautiful world out there
w/ wonderful people in it.and life is to short to stay this bitter..
i would like very much to reach out to you and help if thats
possible.i will be happy to talk or just listen if ever you wanted to..
it's an open inventation.
either way please take care of yourself,
your want-to-be freind,
dj
Gotta jump in cause I LIKE YOU BOTH
Kiwi once again your stories show me that I can learn alot from you.I will keep you & your family in my thoughts & hope that things will go better.Take Care Kiwi ...mj
Kiwi once again your stories show me that I can learn alot from you.I will keep you & your family in my thoughts & hope that things will go better.Take Care Kiwi ...mj
Kiwi..sorry bud, but I will never "piss off" as far as your concern.
We talked about how you were feeling last year when your Grandpa died, it's very apparent that you are not over it, not even close. And now you have to deal with your Dad.
You've had too much in your young life, my friend. And now you are responsible for your parents instead of enjoying and living your life....
Sorry, guys, but I'd tell you to piss off too...
Keep posting, Kiwi, I'll be here to help, no matter what.
Love you
Lisa
We talked about how you were feeling last year when your Grandpa died, it's very apparent that you are not over it, not even close. And now you have to deal with your Dad.
You've had too much in your young life, my friend. And now you are responsible for your parents instead of enjoying and living your life....
Sorry, guys, but I'd tell you to piss off too...
Keep posting, Kiwi, I'll be here to help, no matter what.
Love you
Lisa
kiwi, i am sorry to hear of the loss of your grandfather, and the other pains and suffering that you write about. all of my ascendants are now buried, except for one elderly uncle, so i too have experienced loss. my mother, god rest her soul, finally succombed to non-hodgkins lymphoma. after a reprieve and remission, she experienced a happy and holy and peaceful death, surrounded by her children. my heart goes out to you.
i have a concern for you that i would like to express to you. "concerns" are not criticisms, or suggestions, they are simply that -- a concern expressed from one human being to another. there is no need to respond to a concern that that is expressed. only to receive it, consider it and then do with it what you wish.
you seem to be filled with anger and resentment. at age 24 it is understandable, but my concern is that you will continue in it and not deal with it, and live the rest of your long life without dealing with it. and we all know, particularly those of us who have lived quite a while, that even more than isolation and lonliness, these angers and resentments are triggers to using substances and staying dependent on them. left unaided, these things just eat us up, eat us alive, and eventually lead to our destruction, either through eventually withdrawing from life, relying on destructive substances to numb and cover them so that we forget, etc. they are also major obstacles to growth in the spiritual life -- they separate us from our family, friends, relatives, neithbors, co-workers, and from our god, as we understand him.
here's part of what you said and wrote to and about murray's family, while they are in their grief from finding their father (god rest his soul):
"I really dont need to hear things like that first thing in the morning . . ."
for your sake, not for the sake of anyone else, consider your words, now that you have had time to reflect on them and now that you have received the feedback from others here. ponder in your heart the meaning of what you said to this family and to this internet community that wishes you no ill will whatsoever, and which is so eager to assist you in any way possible.
consider them for the sake of your recovery.
i offer today prayer for your father in his illness and healing for your family, as he and you and they face this life-threatening disease of cancer. may the hands and knowledge of his physicians, all gifts of God, bring him and you healing and hope, for every day of life is precious regardless of the circumstances, although we all face the same ultimate destiny. god be with you, kiwi, for he is full of gentleness and compassion, and He wants nothing more than to share those virtues and all the virtues with each and all of us, if we are willing to do our part to cultivate them. then, we fully live !
may God bless you in your youth and in your old age -- and bring you to peace -- with yourself, with others (including your family) and with your and our creator.
Kiwi and all, Death is a part of life. Doesn't make it easier, but it NEVER leaves any of us alone. I've had my share...watched the one I loved the most die in my arms. Such is life...get ready it's coming to us all. It's as natural as breathing. But as I said before, there will come a day when it is tolerable. Not now, but hang on to that. No one suffers more then anyone else on this topic. We just handle it in different ways. SO let's give a little...it's our differences that make life worth living. Love you all...you too Kiwi
eternal rest grant unto them, o lord. and let perpetual light shine upon them.
may they rest in peace.
amen.
may their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed rest in peace.
amen.
Now that I know you have suffered losses in your life and have a hard life ahead of you, I can see why you are so bitter and can't show compassion. If it helps you at all it can always be worse. I think I picked up in these messages that you have children, Thank God for them every day.
I'm sure you were shown compassion when your grandfather died, I read some of it on this message board, I'm just saying it would make you feel good to show some of that to others.
I'm really sorry for your losses and the problems you will be having in the near future. I will be praying for you.
Much Love, Jean
I'm sure you were shown compassion when your grandfather died, I read some of it on this message board, I'm just saying it would make you feel good to show some of that to others.
I'm really sorry for your losses and the problems you will be having in the near future. I will be praying for you.
Much Love, Jean
Kiwi
You know I love you pal
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< HUG >>>>>>>>>>>>>
You know I love you pal
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< HUG >>>>>>>>>>>>>
Kiwirain it's a shame to be so young and so bitter especially when you know as much as you do. Does anyone agree? Just stating my opinion.
Jean, Kiwi doesn't have children and I think it's time to put this to rest and move on..I know he has.
Cowgirl
Cowgirl
Kiwi,
Hi, I don't think we have spoke yet. I am very sorry for your lose. I lost my Grandma to cancer, she was like a mother to me. I also lost my father to cancer when I was 21, I was there when he took his last breath and I will never get over that, and last year I lost my Aunt to cancer. These were some very hard times for me, I think this is why my family is so important to me. I understand the pain you went through and may still be going through. I am 28 now and I still have dreams of my fathers last breath. So my whole point is to say I am sorry and if you ever need to talk I am here
Hi, I don't think we have spoke yet. I am very sorry for your lose. I lost my Grandma to cancer, she was like a mother to me. I also lost my father to cancer when I was 21, I was there when he took his last breath and I will never get over that, and last year I lost my Aunt to cancer. These were some very hard times for me, I think this is why my family is so important to me. I understand the pain you went through and may still be going through. I am 28 now and I still have dreams of my fathers last breath. So my whole point is to say I am sorry and if you ever need to talk I am here
I really think that you get off on hurting others here, Kiwi. You are a mean person, and find you utterly offensive 97% of the time. A few things you say make sense, but you don't word them with any tact. Therefore, your message that could work gets lost.
I have a story extremely similar to yours; the first (and sadly the last time) I saw my mom in five years, she was a shrunken woman of 57 that looked 84. She was diagnosed with cancer, and was at stage 4 when I saw her. It raveged her. I saw her for the last time; I couldn't get home to see her again before she died...I forever and ever will be haunted with that...I just wanted one more time to see her. My mom is gone for good.
But, never do I belittle people like you do; just because you were able to stop pills doesn't mean those who have a harder fight deserve your bashing.
Remember. This is a message board, and people will post what they think....and don't read this if you don't like it.
Kerry
I have a story extremely similar to yours; the first (and sadly the last time) I saw my mom in five years, she was a shrunken woman of 57 that looked 84. She was diagnosed with cancer, and was at stage 4 when I saw her. It raveged her. I saw her for the last time; I couldn't get home to see her again before she died...I forever and ever will be haunted with that...I just wanted one more time to see her. My mom is gone for good.
But, never do I belittle people like you do; just because you were able to stop pills doesn't mean those who have a harder fight deserve your bashing.
Remember. This is a message board, and people will post what they think....and don't read this if you don't like it.
Kerry
kiwi..
just want you to know i feel your pain behind your anger.. you remind me so much of my daughter.. when she speaks about her grandpa and the anger i hear in her voice.. my dad is 83 now and last night we sat and spoke about some changes he made in his will .. it's painful when i think of my life without him and my mother.. but especially for my daughter.. and i worry about her daily .. I was a single parant with her, and my dad through all of her years has been her main role model .. the only real example of a dad she has ever known.. my daughter was me all over again and my dad's 2nd chance to do right by her .. <and me> we have never even at my age been able to sit down and have a conversation and i watch the 2 of them carry on as the best of buddies.. it hurts and grieves me just to write this because it is so hard for her to face the idea of the reality of life without him .. she's 15.. even now she cries and tells me she has to go stay with them sometimes because she is So afraid that tomorrow may never come.. and it might not.. My dad suffered a stroke about 5 years back .. thought he was gone then but to our surprise he pulled out of it after the doctors saying he just may not make it through the night.. i can't even begin to go into all of the things my dad has been with us through and for and my mother too .. but i worry nonstop about my daughter.. i raised her in faith and to myself death though it hurts is only a relocation to a better place.. I'm sure it wasn't easy for God to allow His only son to be beat down either . and if we believe in God the truth of the matter is .. if we're going to have any share of anything good with him we also have to share in his passion .. however, to my daughter at her young age she cannot see this fully yet and i didn't either at 15 .. she can't be expected to think as a grown woman in her 30s would ..
I am again a single parant who's x ran out on her.. and my heart still breaks at times.. it's a devastation just very much like a death i must face.. my biggest pain in my heart is my 18 month who will not have the example of my dad as a dad.. whoever will set that role for her.. i worry much .. more than i should but the sadness is great sometimes though we make it ok ..
my nephew was killed by a drunk driver too at 18 .. the out of the norm thing was that we were all at church that night .. and my nephew who was such a boy and Just like my little brother.. also an identical twin .. came up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said i love you .. i was so touched as this was So out of the norm .. he also went to his brother shook his head an said i love you too bro... later that night i got a call from my dad.. and that was the last i saw of him .. it was a great loss .. my sister died the next year.. diagnosed with lung cancer at 44 in june and died in august same year.. 2 months of prep .. she was like a mother to me too .. always read to me put me to bed etc.. took me places etc.. very sad..
death is real and something we must face but i am sorry to read of your losses too .. but in the end i guarantee we will all be together .. ;-) whether we like eachother or not .. Smiles.. it's not a death it's a birth .. Lynn
just want you to know i feel your pain behind your anger.. you remind me so much of my daughter.. when she speaks about her grandpa and the anger i hear in her voice.. my dad is 83 now and last night we sat and spoke about some changes he made in his will .. it's painful when i think of my life without him and my mother.. but especially for my daughter.. and i worry about her daily .. I was a single parant with her, and my dad through all of her years has been her main role model .. the only real example of a dad she has ever known.. my daughter was me all over again and my dad's 2nd chance to do right by her .. <and me> we have never even at my age been able to sit down and have a conversation and i watch the 2 of them carry on as the best of buddies.. it hurts and grieves me just to write this because it is so hard for her to face the idea of the reality of life without him .. she's 15.. even now she cries and tells me she has to go stay with them sometimes because she is So afraid that tomorrow may never come.. and it might not.. My dad suffered a stroke about 5 years back .. thought he was gone then but to our surprise he pulled out of it after the doctors saying he just may not make it through the night.. i can't even begin to go into all of the things my dad has been with us through and for and my mother too .. but i worry nonstop about my daughter.. i raised her in faith and to myself death though it hurts is only a relocation to a better place.. I'm sure it wasn't easy for God to allow His only son to be beat down either . and if we believe in God the truth of the matter is .. if we're going to have any share of anything good with him we also have to share in his passion .. however, to my daughter at her young age she cannot see this fully yet and i didn't either at 15 .. she can't be expected to think as a grown woman in her 30s would ..
I am again a single parant who's x ran out on her.. and my heart still breaks at times.. it's a devastation just very much like a death i must face.. my biggest pain in my heart is my 18 month who will not have the example of my dad as a dad.. whoever will set that role for her.. i worry much .. more than i should but the sadness is great sometimes though we make it ok ..
my nephew was killed by a drunk driver too at 18 .. the out of the norm thing was that we were all at church that night .. and my nephew who was such a boy and Just like my little brother.. also an identical twin .. came up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said i love you .. i was so touched as this was So out of the norm .. he also went to his brother shook his head an said i love you too bro... later that night i got a call from my dad.. and that was the last i saw of him .. it was a great loss .. my sister died the next year.. diagnosed with lung cancer at 44 in june and died in august same year.. 2 months of prep .. she was like a mother to me too .. always read to me put me to bed etc.. took me places etc.. very sad..
death is real and something we must face but i am sorry to read of your losses too .. but in the end i guarantee we will all be together .. ;-) whether we like eachother or not .. Smiles.. it's not a death it's a birth .. Lynn
Once again Bob you have great insight .. take care.. Lynn
The only thing that is a sure garantee in life is death and the older you get the more loss. Im not sure how i would handle my mum dying now that im clean, i dealt with it simply because i was has high as a kite now that im having my emotional status back would i be less able to cope? Things happen for a reason and now i know why she died when she did so i could cope, prop not true but a better focus for me. jackie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
