Friday I broke up with my boyfriend of 3+ years who has been a coke addict for more than 15. I tried for as long as I could -and longer- to stay and make things work but the addiction and all the negativity that comes with it has completely worn me down. I've watched cocaine turn the man I love into someone I don't even recognise and whom I don't want to be around. I pleaded with him for more than 2 years to seriously start getting help but when he finally started going to meetings in November because I gave him an ultimatum, it was too late for me. Everything that I had gone through in those 2 years had already run me down to the point where even when he actually started trying, I was no longer in love with him. He says I never accepted him and loved him despite his addiction but that I always just wanted him to change. Of course I wanted him to change! I wanted him to be clean and healthy and be able to live a happy life! I don't understand why that is a negative thing! But I guess I really don't understand a lot of things at this point.
I should have left sooner and not gotten dragged in even further but I felt so guilty. Since November, I have been so drained and miserable and after a brief respite, things started to get worse again. The mood swings, the jealousy, the unpredictability of when he's constantly in withdrawal from using every 15 days or so has been exhausting and I don't just have the strength or the patience to deal with it anymore. I finally bit the bullet on Friday and he has been on a binge since, after also using last Wednesday. He's not eating, just keeps using and I'm terrified something bad will actually happen to him this time. I know that I'm supposed to move on and let him work it out because it's his problem and it's not my fault and all the rest of it, but I'm so worried for his safety. I tried to contact his sponsor to see if he can get in touch with him because he hasn't told anyone that I broke up with him so no one even knows to check in on him. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to this relationship that has been sucking the life out of me for years but if something were to happen to him, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I wish with all my heart for him to beat this monster even if I'm not there to see it. I hope to be able to get back on my feet and take control of my own life. Right now, everything just seems so hopeless...
Hi Sadie, and welcome - you are far from alone in your plight- so many people stay with partners who are addicts outta fear and guilt- fear that their partner will relapse (if they are in recovery) or OD if they are still in active addiction- guilt that whatever the outcome for their partner, that they will be responsible for it - This is no way to live your life and no reason to stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in - you have done your best- you can do no-more - whatever choices your b/f makes are his alone to make- YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for how he choses to react- the only person you owe anything to is YOU - you need to start looking out for you and for what will make you happy - addicts (like myself) like to blame anybody and anything for continuing to use, or for using more- we like to play the guilt card- it is always someone else's fault- we will do anything to avoid looking at our own behaviour or taking responsibility for our actions- you must understand this- YOU cannot FIX your b/f - you CANNOT stop him using- this is the choice every addict makes every day- whether to use or not
YOU CANNOT CONTROL this situation so you have nothing to feel guilty about, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - if your b/f blames you, it is because he is afraid to face the reality- HE IS RESPONSIBLE for the choices he makes - addicts are experts at manipulating people and this is part of this-
you need to move on with your life, you have no future in the past, you owe it to yourself to do whatever makes YOU happy- whatever choices your boyfriend makes, so be it- they are his choices, he has a sponsor, he knows where and who to reach out to if he wants/needs help- this is not your job- walk away and don't look back - look to your future not your past- the only person you are responsible for is YOU - best of luck
YOU CANNOT CONTROL this situation so you have nothing to feel guilty about, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - if your b/f blames you, it is because he is afraid to face the reality- HE IS RESPONSIBLE for the choices he makes - addicts are experts at manipulating people and this is part of this-
you need to move on with your life, you have no future in the past, you owe it to yourself to do whatever makes YOU happy- whatever choices your boyfriend makes, so be it- they are his choices, he has a sponsor, he knows where and who to reach out to if he wants/needs help- this is not your job- walk away and don't look back - look to your future not your past- the only person you are responsible for is YOU - best of luck
Hi Sadie, I feel the same way... every time I start to talk about breaking up with my recovering addict bf... he makes me feel guilty like if I'm abandoning our 11 years relationship. Right now were on a break. .. I still don't know what I'm doing. I too feel lost amd confused.
Hi travelin man, thanks for responding...I know you're right, that this addiction is not my fault and it's not my responsibility to make him better. I just feel like I'm giving up on him. I told him I would be there, that I would stand by him and now I'm just walking away. I know that I can only be responsible for myself, it's that I have spent so much time and energy focusing on someone else that I have to learn how to take care of myself again. It shouldn't be such a daunting task but, as you said, the manipulation and the guilt make everything so hazy.
HopelessLove, I know how you feel. I'm a mess after a 3 year relationship, I can't imagine after 11 years. It's so strange how when you're in a bad relationship, all you can think of are the reasons why you don't want to be in it anymore and you can't wait to get the hell out, but as soon as you leave, all of that is clouded over by doubts and fear and remembering the good things instead of the bad. I have started making lists of all the bad things to remind myself why I left and why I can't go back. There's no way this is going to be easy (I almost broke down at the grocery store yesterday because literally everything reminds me of him) but if I made it through the difficulties of the last years for him, I can -and have to- make it now for myself. This is what I keep telling myself. If I can offer you any advice at all, it would be that if you've gotten out, even if just on a "break", stay out. The hardest part is leaving, don't put yourself back in the position of having to do it all over again.
I'm going over there in an hour to get the rest of my stuff. He's there and I'm worried about what kind of reaction he'll have today...yesterday he called me sobbing and apologizing for having hurt me so much. The day before that, he was angry and ended our phone conversation cursing the day he met me. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go back over there to talk to his 10 year old son (that is with him once a week and every other weekend) and tell him goodbye. I have no idea where I will find the strength to do that and what on earth I will say. I am trying to live one day at a time, one task at a time so that the immensity of everything I need to do to get back on my feet doesn't completely overwhelm me and send me back to the toxic comfort of what I know.
I have a serious problem of getting involved with addicts and I absolutely have to find a way to break this cycle. The past ten years are a whirlwind of co-dependent relationships, culminating in this last longest one, which has taken something from me that I don't know I'll ever get back. The terrible thing about addiction is that the addict is not necessarily a bad person. My ex is a good, kind, caring man who has ruined himself with cocaine. I was never as happy or as in love with anyone in all my life as I was with him at the beginning, before the drugs got in the way. When I look at pictures from then, it's like a light was shining out of me...but the reality is that living with an addict has dimmed that light so low that now I can't even see it at all. Knowing what I do now, if I had it to do over again, I would leave as soon as he started using, before our lives got so intertwined that pulling them apart would inevitably rip pieces from us. I would forego the momentary happiness because the price to pay for it has been damning.
If my experience can be of any help to anyone reading this who is in a similar situation, wondering if they should stay or leave...I will say, swim to shore while you can still see the shore. Don't let the ship take you out to sea because you have no say in where it's going and you can't stop it from sinking, no matter how good your intentions, no matter how deep your love. I am now alone in the middle of the ocean with no life vest, swimming as hard as I can to try to save myself, hoping that I'm going in the right direction.
HopelessLove, I know how you feel. I'm a mess after a 3 year relationship, I can't imagine after 11 years. It's so strange how when you're in a bad relationship, all you can think of are the reasons why you don't want to be in it anymore and you can't wait to get the hell out, but as soon as you leave, all of that is clouded over by doubts and fear and remembering the good things instead of the bad. I have started making lists of all the bad things to remind myself why I left and why I can't go back. There's no way this is going to be easy (I almost broke down at the grocery store yesterday because literally everything reminds me of him) but if I made it through the difficulties of the last years for him, I can -and have to- make it now for myself. This is what I keep telling myself. If I can offer you any advice at all, it would be that if you've gotten out, even if just on a "break", stay out. The hardest part is leaving, don't put yourself back in the position of having to do it all over again.
I'm going over there in an hour to get the rest of my stuff. He's there and I'm worried about what kind of reaction he'll have today...yesterday he called me sobbing and apologizing for having hurt me so much. The day before that, he was angry and ended our phone conversation cursing the day he met me. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go back over there to talk to his 10 year old son (that is with him once a week and every other weekend) and tell him goodbye. I have no idea where I will find the strength to do that and what on earth I will say. I am trying to live one day at a time, one task at a time so that the immensity of everything I need to do to get back on my feet doesn't completely overwhelm me and send me back to the toxic comfort of what I know.
I have a serious problem of getting involved with addicts and I absolutely have to find a way to break this cycle. The past ten years are a whirlwind of co-dependent relationships, culminating in this last longest one, which has taken something from me that I don't know I'll ever get back. The terrible thing about addiction is that the addict is not necessarily a bad person. My ex is a good, kind, caring man who has ruined himself with cocaine. I was never as happy or as in love with anyone in all my life as I was with him at the beginning, before the drugs got in the way. When I look at pictures from then, it's like a light was shining out of me...but the reality is that living with an addict has dimmed that light so low that now I can't even see it at all. Knowing what I do now, if I had it to do over again, I would leave as soon as he started using, before our lives got so intertwined that pulling them apart would inevitably rip pieces from us. I would forego the momentary happiness because the price to pay for it has been damning.
If my experience can be of any help to anyone reading this who is in a similar situation, wondering if they should stay or leave...I will say, swim to shore while you can still see the shore. Don't let the ship take you out to sea because you have no say in where it's going and you can't stop it from sinking, no matter how good your intentions, no matter how deep your love. I am now alone in the middle of the ocean with no life vest, swimming as hard as I can to try to save myself, hoping that I'm going in the right direction.
He's a great guy.. everything started 6 years into our relationship. I love him so much but just scared that if we do work it out, that in the future he will relapse and continue lieing. I'm so confused and someone even told me I was co dependant on him. I'm even looking into seeing a psychologist just to have someone to talk to. Thanks for your post.... I have a lot to think about.
Hi HopelessLove,
it took me a long time to get to where I am now and actually leave. I even left twice before but ended up going back. In the end, the questions I asked myself were: am I ready to spend the rest of my life hoping he doesn't relapse? Can I live with that undertone of anxiety? Because even if he does get it together and manages to stay clean for a year....two....three....ten?...as long as he is alive, you will never know if that last time was really the last time. Brutal? Yes. True? Unfortunately, also yes. Addiction is not something that ever goes away. It is a lifelong battle to always be stronger. I knew someone in rehab whose tutor told them that their addiction was always following them around, waiting for them outside, doing push-ups next to their car, just waiting for that moment that they were weaker. It is a frightening, daunting image but I'm afraid it's pretty accurate.
If you're anything like me, your energy goes into helping him and being there for him before taking care of yourself, shutting out that little voice inside that's telling you that it hurts. I had all but killed my little voice and I will tell you that going to a psychologist has helped me bring it back to life. It took me more than a year, but I started learning to listen to myself again instead of being completely sucked into his addiction. I encourage you to find a psychologist to help you remember how to help yourself. I am by no means out of the woods but I'm trying to take one step at a time to get my life back. I wish you the best of luck in doing the same, whether that be with or without him.
it took me a long time to get to where I am now and actually leave. I even left twice before but ended up going back. In the end, the questions I asked myself were: am I ready to spend the rest of my life hoping he doesn't relapse? Can I live with that undertone of anxiety? Because even if he does get it together and manages to stay clean for a year....two....three....ten?...as long as he is alive, you will never know if that last time was really the last time. Brutal? Yes. True? Unfortunately, also yes. Addiction is not something that ever goes away. It is a lifelong battle to always be stronger. I knew someone in rehab whose tutor told them that their addiction was always following them around, waiting for them outside, doing push-ups next to their car, just waiting for that moment that they were weaker. It is a frightening, daunting image but I'm afraid it's pretty accurate.
If you're anything like me, your energy goes into helping him and being there for him before taking care of yourself, shutting out that little voice inside that's telling you that it hurts. I had all but killed my little voice and I will tell you that going to a psychologist has helped me bring it back to life. It took me more than a year, but I started learning to listen to myself again instead of being completely sucked into his addiction. I encourage you to find a psychologist to help you remember how to help yourself. I am by no means out of the woods but I'm trying to take one step at a time to get my life back. I wish you the best of luck in doing the same, whether that be with or without him.
Thank You Sadie
