Sorry my first post is so long, but I need help. There are no Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings anywhere close to here.
I wish I could say this was my first experience dealings with an addict, but it's not. I was surprised when my husband was arrested for drugs on our wedding anniversary 3 mos. ago. That's when I found out he'd been smoking crack for the past year. I knew he'd had a few slip ups and drank (he's a dry drunk x 5 yrs.), but the drugs were a complete shocker. He doesn't even smoke pot or cigarettes! Last year his "best friend" encouraged him to give crack a try. Seriously??? I couldn't believe someone with no drug history would start smoking crack at 44. I just thought the "disappearing acts" and other ugly behaviors were due to him not taking his bipolar meds. He isn't pleasant to live with when he's off his meds, and he does go off them pretty often.
While awaiting sentencing next month I was giving him random UAs, prepared to revoke his bond if he came up dirty. He failed both, but I didn't pull the bond because his dad begged me not to. Then, at the beginning of Dec. he went on a huge binge, spending every last cent he had, plus money borrowed from his mom and brother, on crack. He said that was his rock bottom, so his mom got him into a private rehab facility.
His first week in rehab was the usual honeymoon period of sobriety. "I feel great! I'm learning so much here! I promise I'll never use drugs again! I'm sorry for everything! Everything is going to be great now!" You know the drill. You're happy they're excited about getting sober but you're still wary because you've heard those lines before. I understand that he meant those promises in the past but crack was more powerful than his will to quit. I don't feel hopeful for his long-term recovery success, despite his currently motivated, positive attitude.
I try to sound encouraging when he calls, but just below the surface is so much hurt. For the past 16-18 months, he'd destroyed my self-esteem. I stopped talking to my friends because I hated hearing how nice their lives were. We stopped going to religious services because I felt ashamed, like we were fraudulent family. My kids couldn't have friends over because we never knew what mood to expect: depressed, manic, or raging mad. Or would I need to leave in the middle of the night to pick him up from another car accident? He said his bipolar meds caused him to fall asleep at the wheel, but I could smell alcohol on him. Would he kill himself or another person if he drove impaired like that again?
In week two I wrote him a letter, letting him know how his addiction hurt our relationship and our family. I used "I-feel-about-because" statements and kept it specific. No name calling or full venting of my wrath. I sat on that letter for close to a week, editing it regularly to make sure I wasn't coming across so angry that he couldn't grasp my hurt feelings. I figured it was better he get a letter like that in rehab so the counselors could help him process what I had to say.
He said he couldn't read it after the first paragraph because it depressed him too much. Writing stuff like that down is supposed to be helpful to the writer. But seeing the reasons for my anger and hurt sort of made my situation worse. Something about seeing our hellish life laid out on paper like that forced me to see just how bad it really was here. In the months prior, I started hiding my keys, meds, wallet, and jewelry. I didn't trust him for several reason, even before I found out about the addiction. Doing that, I tried to force him to stay home and not get into mischief. I basically toddler-proofed my life. My anger increased-- mostly at myself for putting up with everything for so long.
That's when the blame game began: I caused some of his addiction because 18 months ago I said something he didn't like, and then over the summer I yelled at my son in Walmart because he was disrespectful to an elderly veteran. My husband said he couldn't handle either so he repeatedly turned to crack. I'm well aware of an addict's guilt/manipulation games. Even when we had an argument, like all couples do at some point, I didn't force him to smoke crack or pour a drink down his throat. That was his bad choice. I encouraged him to stay active in the rehab groups, and to take advantage of his opportunity there to get well. I used "well" because there's obviously no easy "cure" for addiction.
My words of support were hollow because now I felt so much resentment for being blamed for anything related to him smoking crack. I take that back. I did have a role in his addiction: I gave him money twice despite doubting his stories about what it was for. He said they were loans to his friend who had legal problems. I sort of suspected he was going to a strip club with the money, which wouldn't have bothered me if he'd used his own money. We have separate bank accounts for a reason...... To get him to quit nagging me about borrowing the money, I gave in. So, I did inadvertently contribute to his addiction. Lovely.
Week 3 just started, delivering self-pity and anger alternated with depression and lots of his crying into the phone. I'm never sure if the tears are real. He's cranked out some self-pitying crocodile tears in the past. I refused to commit to any timeline, like "You'll see how wonderful everything will be when I get home. Please don't leave me. I need you. I'll die if you go. Just promise you'll give me 3 months." That's why he's upset-- I'm unwilling to commit myself to a timeline because we've tried them in the past. His poor behavioral choices, which I now see was his addiction, always won that round. I reluctantly continued encouragement, but it's getting harder to hide what has now become a seething mass of anger, especially due to the blame stuff he tried on me. The anger and resentment are taking a toll on my health. I feel depressed, have nightmares when I do finally sleep, and feel hopeless when I can't ditch the anger. I'm too ashamed to tell my best friend what's happened in the last month because she told me a long time ago that I should move out. I'm now underweight because the smell of food makes my stomach churn. The anger and resentment need to go.
I figured you folks probably have good methods for letting go, and perhaps some concrete steps toward giving him my honest forgiveness. Addiction might've been the top boss, but his crummy behavior, poor choices, and refusal to take his meds was a big part of it, too. I'm not sure I want to save my marriage at this point, but I do want to save myself from drowning in a hostile pool of emotions.
Besides writing that letter, I tried making a decision to forgive, to feel happy, and focused on the positives to help me feel hope for his recovery. Those didn't work after the blame game started. Again, there are no Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings anywhere close to here so I'm seeking help from you instead. Also, what should I do after he gets home? Continue toddler-proofing my life to minimize his risk of relapse? Or give him free-rein to succeed or fail?
Thank you,
-- Jo
My Dear Jo,Everyone here has experienced what you have and are currently living...maybe a different source of narcotic but we have all lived and many currently are living the life....I am glad you are not allowing him to blame you for his addiciton...I mean come on with the stupid excuses he was upset you are trying to teach your son respect for a elder...Amazing ...First off for a person to do that is trying to pin the blame on someone else for their bad choices...your right you didn't introduce him to Meth may I quote you...his so called friend did...He was at the time an adult a husband a father a son..it was all about him his choice he did it not you....He betrayed trust at that moment ...He was the one who compromised all the relationships mentioned above....As it takes time in a relationship to build trust it also takes time to destroy it...how many times does one forgive ...it's like the first few times it's a raw abrasion but after numerous bad choices by them...we the ones affected by their bad choices we do we become angry calloused by their lame excuses..my son has been addicted for 10 years I have heard it seen it lived it...I have heard every stupid lame excuse one might think off
..it is still on going right now I have some quiet cause he is in jail...I can't change someone who doesn't want to acknowledge they have a problem...Adults have choices ...with that being said Right now focus on yourself your children...explain to him as he needs rehab you to need to fix things and get control of your life and that your children need and deserve a parent that is capable for looking out for their safety and comfort..Tell him right now you need time to...your not addicted but you have been effected. ..I would suggest him to go into a halfway house for sometime allow him to get counseling and a support system...also some mental health treatment...tell him he broke the trust he must earn it back no free pass....tell him after 6 months you can re evaluate his progress and decide if he is serious...I have said it many times we can't allow the addict to rule to dictate or run the show...they have proven they are incapable. .we have to be strong...we are your friends your support we are here for you to talk to and vent to...but make sure you take care of yourself your kids need you...also no more blame game tell his parents they are not helping by putting pressure or guilt on you...put it where it belongs on their son.
..it is still on going right now I have some quiet cause he is in jail...I can't change someone who doesn't want to acknowledge they have a problem...Adults have choices ...with that being said Right now focus on yourself your children...explain to him as he needs rehab you to need to fix things and get control of your life and that your children need and deserve a parent that is capable for looking out for their safety and comfort..Tell him right now you need time to...your not addicted but you have been effected. ..I would suggest him to go into a halfway house for sometime allow him to get counseling and a support system...also some mental health treatment...tell him he broke the trust he must earn it back no free pass....tell him after 6 months you can re evaluate his progress and decide if he is serious...I have said it many times we can't allow the addict to rule to dictate or run the show...they have proven they are incapable. .we have to be strong...we are your friends your support we are here for you to talk to and vent to...but make sure you take care of yourself your kids need you...also no more blame game tell his parents they are not helping by putting pressure or guilt on you...put it where it belongs on their son.
Thank you so much for responding and being understanding. Yeah, when he was in jail it was the best I've slept in ages. At least I didn't have to worry about where he was, what he was doing, and which drug-using "friend" he was with. It was like a wave of relief washed over me. Yes, the endless excuses... GAH! After a while I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. It's all lies anyway, so why bother asking him anything... After reading others' experiences here with a loved one on crack, I was really surprised by how many others have dealt with what I called his "disappearing acts." I thought I was alone with that one. I hope he can stay clean, but the relapse rate isn't encouraging :-( Thanks again! That was a really good idea about him moving to a sober house first. I doubt he'd go for that idea, but I'll mention it to him as a valid suggestion.
Dear Jo, Regarding the suggestion of the halfway house,you stated you doubt he will go for that....it is now time for serious discussion with your husband.Your right alot of addicts fail in trying to beat their addictions ..There are alot of factors that must be addressed changed modified. ..Friends (if that's what you choose to call them)patterns must all be addresed.There has to be a good support system in place not only with counseling,but the family needs counseling ...The family has alot of hurt resentment and doubt ....He was the one who changed the envoirment. ....as I said you cannot allow someone who is not able to take care of himself run the show...He will quickly relapse and the pattern will continue...You must find strength if your weak look at your children and say to yourself...they deserve a healthy father and a Mom that's not stressed out....If you want things to change you have to set lines....it he wants you back he'll do it.If he is sincere he'll show it through his actions.
