I have erased and started over so many times now and I just don't know how to say it all. I could just admit that I'm an addict and move on but this annoying part of me always wants to explain just exactly how all of this happened. How I let 10 years of time just slip through my fingers. People are always shocked when they find out and they say " You don't look like that kind of girl." It hurts but it makes me laugh to. And just what is "that kind of girl" supposed to look like?
It all started with the sexual abuse. My big brother, so sad. Now he is lost in a reality all his own. Paranoid, delusion, psychotic pschizophrenia. He is obsessed with me still. At Christmas he asked me if we could rob a bank and run away to buy a cottage by the sea. My parents are clueless, they know of the abuse and even though he is currently institutionalized they have no qualms about him coming home and spending Christmas with the family. My mother begged me to please just let him have a nice Christmas. Instead of asking what about my Christmas I smoked and smoked and smoked. It is my medicine to cope with all this crazyness around me but I still feel dirty having it in my life. At the age of fifteen I was still under strict religous rule in my parents home but my oldest brother had just turned nineteen. He brought home a friend one night who was involved in a gang and from a very bad part of town. I fell instantly in love with this bad boy and we became inseperable. This is so painful to write I'm not sure if I'll be able to finish it right now. My brother had been adament that none of his friends would date me but with Cliff it was different. You could just tell that no one would keep us apart and no one tried to. Cliff also respected the support of my brother and parents and kept his promise not to consumate the relationship even though I was dying to be with a man of MY choosing. My brother gets sent away to prison for stealing cars and Cliff is supposed to watch over me while he is gone. On November 29th 1994 I get the call that Cliff has been murdered in a gang related incident. I am stricken with grief but I still do not turn to drugs. I had turned 16 in 1994 and it wasn't till a few months before my birthday the next year that I started dating a boy. Through my relationship with him I learned ALOT. He showed red flags of not being right in the beginning but it took being date raped by him for me to break it off. I never have faced him still. I started smoking right after that. I new I had been through alot and I didn't know where to turn or even what to say because there was just soooo much built up by then. Smoking made me feel so good and no one ever even payed enough attention to me to tell I was messed up. The weed made me so numb though that I stopped caring about everything and I barely graduated school by the skin of my butt.
I still am smoking every single day 10 yrs later and its no secret now. My mother wishes I would just quit but I really believe she doesn't actually want that if I'm gonna start standing up for myself and fighting back. She just wants me to sit down and shut up so thats why she always tells me that i better never check into rehab because I can do it myself. She wants me to be perfect . She says she has a beautiful, talented, daughter who can accomplish nothing at her potential because I'm a pothead. She blames it all on the pot and I blame it all on her.
All this time I have been smoking to piss her off when it would probably piss her off more if I was clean. HMMM
I want to stop for sssooooo many reasons . I have tried numerous times to quit but I rarely make it a whole day. This has been a constant battle for me everyday and it makes me feel so weak.
I'm sorry I rambled on so long...just having a hard time letting go.
Me
Hi, AEA, congratulations on getting the courage to get some of this out. I related to so many aspects of your story. As unique as it is, I want you to know that there are many out there that have traveled down some of the same dark roads as you have, and who have managed to free themselves of their dependencies on mood altering substances.
Lets not get into a lengthy discussion on whether or not you are an addict. For now, I think it is probably sufficient to say that you resorted to smoking pot at a time in your life when you had few avenues of help available to you. You chose to survive the best way you could and you did so with the best means then at your disposal.
You are older now, and stronger, and that which carried you this far is now beginning to be more of a hindrance than a help. Your finding this board and revealing so much of your personal journey suggests to me that you are growing strong enough to begin to face some of the hurt and pain you have experienced in your life, rather than try to bury it in a fog of smoke.
I know many survivors of rape and many survivors of incest. They often come to the conclusion that they had to stop running from the pain and face it square on if they were to ever have a chance of putting it behind them. Many, like you, have to overcome family systems that would keep them in a place of torment, rather than reveal any suggestion that the family is not picture perfect in everyway.
I have one friend who is now nearing 50. Every time she got to a point in her life where she felt it was time to face up to some of the things that were keeping her from finding true happiness in her life, her mother would be right there at her side, assuring her that there is no benefit in stirring up the past. It has always been plain to me that her mother is hiding from her own role in this. My friend never found the courage to break free from her mothers domination, and it shows in her level of day-to-day contentment in life. She drinks to drown her anguish, and she was so beautiful and full of potential in her younger years.
Pot is a very powerful depressant and it is one with a number of side effects that can come to the fore at some point in a persons using life. Pot gives a temporary sense of relief by depressing, or pushing down the painful emotions that need to come to the surface if they are ever to heal. Those emotions that stay pushed down tend to emerge in dark and sinister ways that often we are unaware of. Self-medicating the kind of trauma that you have experienced in life is very dangerous, not only for you, but for your children. I urge you to seek help now, rather than pass on to your children some of the cycles of abuse that were handed down to you as an innocent victim.
Innocent victim or not, no one but you can make the necessary commitment to end your dependency on pot. If you read some of the posts here, you will see that many go through a transitional period when they quit where they are anxious and restless. In your case, this transitional period may be all the more difficult as you begin to confront things from your past that you can no longer run away from.
I hope this does not frighten you too much. As a practical matter, the mind is pretty good about not serving up more than we can handle at any given time. It will be extraordinarily helpful if you locate a support network to help you with both your dependency issues as well as your survivor issues. Therapy for your childhood issues would be money well spent if there is anyway that you can manage to afford it. FWIW, the rooms of AA are full of survivors. Many came in after years of running from similar issues. These people can also be wonderful sources of information about other networks that can also be of benefit to you.
You will have to come to your own conclusions about how to proceed from here. I know it is frightening, but I do think you have made a good first step in the right direction.
Feel free to drop me a note and ask questions. I will do what I can to help, but ultimately, it is on you to break free of the family sickness that is holding you back and seek help to reach your full potential.
If you would like to read more about how these kinds of trauma effect us in our adult life, and why we often seek the comfort of mood altering drugs, you might find the following books helpful. I read them when they were relatively cutting edge back in the 80s. There may be better books out there, but both of these helped me enormously.
Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw
People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck
Ill be here if you have any questions. Good luck.
August
Lets not get into a lengthy discussion on whether or not you are an addict. For now, I think it is probably sufficient to say that you resorted to smoking pot at a time in your life when you had few avenues of help available to you. You chose to survive the best way you could and you did so with the best means then at your disposal.
You are older now, and stronger, and that which carried you this far is now beginning to be more of a hindrance than a help. Your finding this board and revealing so much of your personal journey suggests to me that you are growing strong enough to begin to face some of the hurt and pain you have experienced in your life, rather than try to bury it in a fog of smoke.
I know many survivors of rape and many survivors of incest. They often come to the conclusion that they had to stop running from the pain and face it square on if they were to ever have a chance of putting it behind them. Many, like you, have to overcome family systems that would keep them in a place of torment, rather than reveal any suggestion that the family is not picture perfect in everyway.
I have one friend who is now nearing 50. Every time she got to a point in her life where she felt it was time to face up to some of the things that were keeping her from finding true happiness in her life, her mother would be right there at her side, assuring her that there is no benefit in stirring up the past. It has always been plain to me that her mother is hiding from her own role in this. My friend never found the courage to break free from her mothers domination, and it shows in her level of day-to-day contentment in life. She drinks to drown her anguish, and she was so beautiful and full of potential in her younger years.
Pot is a very powerful depressant and it is one with a number of side effects that can come to the fore at some point in a persons using life. Pot gives a temporary sense of relief by depressing, or pushing down the painful emotions that need to come to the surface if they are ever to heal. Those emotions that stay pushed down tend to emerge in dark and sinister ways that often we are unaware of. Self-medicating the kind of trauma that you have experienced in life is very dangerous, not only for you, but for your children. I urge you to seek help now, rather than pass on to your children some of the cycles of abuse that were handed down to you as an innocent victim.
Innocent victim or not, no one but you can make the necessary commitment to end your dependency on pot. If you read some of the posts here, you will see that many go through a transitional period when they quit where they are anxious and restless. In your case, this transitional period may be all the more difficult as you begin to confront things from your past that you can no longer run away from.
I hope this does not frighten you too much. As a practical matter, the mind is pretty good about not serving up more than we can handle at any given time. It will be extraordinarily helpful if you locate a support network to help you with both your dependency issues as well as your survivor issues. Therapy for your childhood issues would be money well spent if there is anyway that you can manage to afford it. FWIW, the rooms of AA are full of survivors. Many came in after years of running from similar issues. These people can also be wonderful sources of information about other networks that can also be of benefit to you.
You will have to come to your own conclusions about how to proceed from here. I know it is frightening, but I do think you have made a good first step in the right direction.
Feel free to drop me a note and ask questions. I will do what I can to help, but ultimately, it is on you to break free of the family sickness that is holding you back and seek help to reach your full potential.
If you would like to read more about how these kinds of trauma effect us in our adult life, and why we often seek the comfort of mood altering drugs, you might find the following books helpful. I read them when they were relatively cutting edge back in the 80s. There may be better books out there, but both of these helped me enormously.
Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw
People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck
Ill be here if you have any questions. Good luck.
August
August,
First I would like to thank you for your reply. I did read numerous posts before I posted and you are certainly an interesting wealth of knowledge, thank you for sharing your time to help others.
I know I need help to break free from not only pot but also my mothers control. I am not sure where to even start and she keeps things so comfortable so I won't rock the boat. I Have a VERY strong desire to sing and while she wants me to succeed in the music business she has forbade me too sing an abuse song. She knows how to make me soo guilty and I always cave into her. I recently married a wonderful man who is also involved in music and he encourages me too pour my heart into the music. He knows it would be a therapuetic thing to finally let it all out....I know it too. I am so scared to hurt her though! But I just long for everyone to know. I am squelching my high hopes everyday because if I don't numb it I'll go stir crazy in this house. I make excuses about it being my coffee of the day but who am I kidding?...Only myself. I can't be a fantastic singer if I tear my throat up daily with weed. I know that but I'm not sure if I've accepted it. What is going to fill the hole? I am so lost. It truly feels hopeless right now. I am formulating a plan though. I often wish they had detox for weed but there isn't even a patch or anything. I know, I know I can do it with my own free will and I have done it before with other things. So no other crutches to lean on and make it easier. Time to face the truth. I'm gonna go type it out.. a new routine. A map to a better life. Thanks again
Me
First I would like to thank you for your reply. I did read numerous posts before I posted and you are certainly an interesting wealth of knowledge, thank you for sharing your time to help others.
I know I need help to break free from not only pot but also my mothers control. I am not sure where to even start and she keeps things so comfortable so I won't rock the boat. I Have a VERY strong desire to sing and while she wants me to succeed in the music business she has forbade me too sing an abuse song. She knows how to make me soo guilty and I always cave into her. I recently married a wonderful man who is also involved in music and he encourages me too pour my heart into the music. He knows it would be a therapuetic thing to finally let it all out....I know it too. I am so scared to hurt her though! But I just long for everyone to know. I am squelching my high hopes everyday because if I don't numb it I'll go stir crazy in this house. I make excuses about it being my coffee of the day but who am I kidding?...Only myself. I can't be a fantastic singer if I tear my throat up daily with weed. I know that but I'm not sure if I've accepted it. What is going to fill the hole? I am so lost. It truly feels hopeless right now. I am formulating a plan though. I often wish they had detox for weed but there isn't even a patch or anything. I know, I know I can do it with my own free will and I have done it before with other things. So no other crutches to lean on and make it easier. Time to face the truth. I'm gonna go type it out.. a new routine. A map to a better life. Thanks again
Me
Okay I have detailed a plan of action. First I set up all the beautiful glass bongs I have collected over the years and I smashed them all. It was fun while I was doing it but when I started thinking about all the wasted money I cried and cried. I have wasted so much money and time. My only solace is its still not to late. I scoured the internet for inspirational thinking and I taped them all over the house. I moved back to the house I was abused in a few years back so I went through every room and asked for a blessing and forgave the house for all that had occurred here. I didn't call my mother this time and swear off weed. Her sarcatic laughs always push me to the edge and I run and smoke so I'm just leaving her out of the loop. I grieved for the loss of my innocense and the death of Cliff. I am sure it will hit me alot more in the sober weeks to come. I have deicide to give myself a rest at song writing because it really can be triggering and I'd like some recovery time to stand on before I start digging into my emotions. I made a promise to pamper myself each night and each morning. To actually get up and get ready cause it is so easy to stay in my jamies all day when I don't work. I want to feel better about myself ! I made an uplifting CD with all my favorite songs and I deleted all my sad, poor me songs. I gargled with saltwater for a minute before I went to bed and wrapped a hot steam towel around my neck and shoulders to relax. It worked great so far cause I slept like a baby last night and I woke up feeling refreshed. Today has been good but I feel excited still and I am worried about when the excitement wears off and I get bored. Maybe that won't happen, I don't even know because it has been soooo long. I have to give this my all and I pray it works.
August, I pray you are taking good care of yourself and thinking of your health and well being first. Sending my warmest wishes,
Me
August, I pray you are taking good care of yourself and thinking of your health and well being first. Sending my warmest wishes,
Me
Dear AndEverythingafter,
Thank you for your response to my quitting buddies post, I was hoping I would get an email back from you, and we could start keeping in touch with eachother.
I also read through more of your posts, and see that you have been through so very much, as I myself have. I would love to be a form of support, and encouragement for you, and you for me. Please send an email if you would like this also. Have a blessed day!
Anna (13 hours sober)
Thank you for your response to my quitting buddies post, I was hoping I would get an email back from you, and we could start keeping in touch with eachother.
I also read through more of your posts, and see that you have been through so very much, as I myself have. I would love to be a form of support, and encouragement for you, and you for me. Please send an email if you would like this also. Have a blessed day!
Anna (13 hours sober)
Anna,
I was going to email you but when I read your email addy I thought"this must be a joke." Then I read this post and you added another email addy that is similarly inappropriate. Not sure what kind of games you are playin but I'm not lookin for any trouble so I will gracefully bow out now. Sorry
Me
I was going to email you but when I read your email addy I thought"this must be a joke." Then I read this post and you added another email addy that is similarly inappropriate. Not sure what kind of games you are playin but I'm not lookin for any trouble so I will gracefully bow out now. Sorry
Me
Me -- Hang in there. You are on the right track and have obviously spent much time thinking about life. God is calling you to something better. There comes a time in life for all of us that mom has to let go and we have to detach. It's the natural order of things. Go for it.
Hello again Me, i've read through your posts and am impressed with the way you're trying to get a hold on your life again after a very rough sounding few years..
some of what you've talked about i can relate to a little, though fortuntately i've never suffered any sexual abuse. the mother-daughter relationship i know can be incredibly difficult and can be an awful source of distress.
my mother had an arsenal of twisted mind-games and physical abuse she'd throw at me at any and all times - though usually when i was either at my weakest and most vulnerable, or feeling good and having let my defenses down. the turning point for me came when she was kicking me on the kitchen floor one day. i'd come to accept the beatings but suddenly realised i hadn't seen her hit my brother for a couple of years. i asked her why, and in her enraged state she answered honestly.. she said it was because he was big enough and strong enough to hit her back and hurt her.
it was the greatest gift she gave me. i knew then without question that it was within my power to stop the abuse, both mental and physical. the next time she went for me i went for her first. we had many fights over the next few years but i always got in first, gained the upper hand and retained it by never actually hurting her. it was all threats and pushing and generally screaming like a psychotic woman. i always took it so far.. just so she knew i'd won.. then walked away with my back turned to show i wasn't afraid of her (even though i was cacking my pants she'd be about to plunge a knife in my back!)
i'm not advocating violence in any way, but i have a pretty good relationship with her now and we often smile wryly at each other about those power games. they were horribly unpleasant but i think she and i both understand they had to happen for us to move on. we both know she wouldn't have stopped if i hadn't stood up against her, and i think her comments to me on the kitchen floor were almost a plea for me to stand up and stop her. i think in a twisted way she was pleased to see i could stand up for myself and that she no longer needed to mother (smother?) me so much.
i don't know why mothers can so often be so skillful at putting downers on their daughters, but probably it's not intentional.. the relationship can be so complex she may even think she's trying to help.
Me - do you live within a close distance of your mother, or have you ever tried living away for a while? if possible a bit of distance for a while might give you both a chance to put your relationship in perspective, and for you to spread your wings a little.
in any case the first step you've taken, to quit the marijuana, should give you a clearer mind and a greater strength to believe in yourself. it will also give her one less thing to go on at you about!
Believe in yourself as an adult and a human with as much right to make your own decisions and live life your own way as any other. i love my mother very much and no doubt you do too, but love can take many forms and it's not all about trying to please her. now more than ever you need to think of yourself.
if you're really struggling with this, perhaps consider some counselling or speaking to your doctor. enlist any help you can and believe in yourself.
i've written this reply and am contemplating whether it's actually helpful or not.. i'm not entirely sure. i'll post it anyway and i hope it doesn't cause you any upset, that's not my intention. please ignore it if it's not relevant or appropriate to you.
best wishes, Trying x.
some of what you've talked about i can relate to a little, though fortuntately i've never suffered any sexual abuse. the mother-daughter relationship i know can be incredibly difficult and can be an awful source of distress.
my mother had an arsenal of twisted mind-games and physical abuse she'd throw at me at any and all times - though usually when i was either at my weakest and most vulnerable, or feeling good and having let my defenses down. the turning point for me came when she was kicking me on the kitchen floor one day. i'd come to accept the beatings but suddenly realised i hadn't seen her hit my brother for a couple of years. i asked her why, and in her enraged state she answered honestly.. she said it was because he was big enough and strong enough to hit her back and hurt her.
it was the greatest gift she gave me. i knew then without question that it was within my power to stop the abuse, both mental and physical. the next time she went for me i went for her first. we had many fights over the next few years but i always got in first, gained the upper hand and retained it by never actually hurting her. it was all threats and pushing and generally screaming like a psychotic woman. i always took it so far.. just so she knew i'd won.. then walked away with my back turned to show i wasn't afraid of her (even though i was cacking my pants she'd be about to plunge a knife in my back!)
i'm not advocating violence in any way, but i have a pretty good relationship with her now and we often smile wryly at each other about those power games. they were horribly unpleasant but i think she and i both understand they had to happen for us to move on. we both know she wouldn't have stopped if i hadn't stood up against her, and i think her comments to me on the kitchen floor were almost a plea for me to stand up and stop her. i think in a twisted way she was pleased to see i could stand up for myself and that she no longer needed to mother (smother?) me so much.
i don't know why mothers can so often be so skillful at putting downers on their daughters, but probably it's not intentional.. the relationship can be so complex she may even think she's trying to help.
Me - do you live within a close distance of your mother, or have you ever tried living away for a while? if possible a bit of distance for a while might give you both a chance to put your relationship in perspective, and for you to spread your wings a little.
in any case the first step you've taken, to quit the marijuana, should give you a clearer mind and a greater strength to believe in yourself. it will also give her one less thing to go on at you about!
Believe in yourself as an adult and a human with as much right to make your own decisions and live life your own way as any other. i love my mother very much and no doubt you do too, but love can take many forms and it's not all about trying to please her. now more than ever you need to think of yourself.
if you're really struggling with this, perhaps consider some counselling or speaking to your doctor. enlist any help you can and believe in yourself.
i've written this reply and am contemplating whether it's actually helpful or not.. i'm not entirely sure. i'll post it anyway and i hope it doesn't cause you any upset, that's not my intention. please ignore it if it's not relevant or appropriate to you.
best wishes, Trying x.
Trying,
First I have to thank you for your thoughtful and helpful post! I am so glad that you decide to post it and didn't delete it.
I am getting along ok still but I have this power thing going on right now and I just feel like I could conquer the world if I wanted. I wonder what wil become of me when I get stressed but I have this board to turn to, so I'm thinking positive thoughts.
That was a very interesting story about your mom. I do live very close to my mom and we actually opened a business together about 6 yrs ago. Once I was enraged over my abuse and wanted to get a restraining order on my brother so she offers me the home I grew up in if I wanted it. Stupid me moved in and still live here now. She has me right where she wants me and I do often feel stuck. I am encouraged to follow my dream by her as long as I don't rock the boat and embaress the family. You know there welfare is more important than mine. ( shaking head in amazement) I am just sooo glad the holidays are over now so I won't have to see her for awhile. I will see her at work but at least she won't be pushing me to be friendly with my 2 estranged brothers. I dream often of singing my song of truth on the Oprah show for all to see. My mom would be horrified. She would say I just wanted to hurt her. I am glad yuou have resolved things with your mom and yes I do love mine dearly but things do have to change for things to get better. And I figure I'm the best place to start.
Thinking of you often and praying we all can recover our souls.
Me
First I have to thank you for your thoughtful and helpful post! I am so glad that you decide to post it and didn't delete it.
I am getting along ok still but I have this power thing going on right now and I just feel like I could conquer the world if I wanted. I wonder what wil become of me when I get stressed but I have this board to turn to, so I'm thinking positive thoughts.
That was a very interesting story about your mom. I do live very close to my mom and we actually opened a business together about 6 yrs ago. Once I was enraged over my abuse and wanted to get a restraining order on my brother so she offers me the home I grew up in if I wanted it. Stupid me moved in and still live here now. She has me right where she wants me and I do often feel stuck. I am encouraged to follow my dream by her as long as I don't rock the boat and embaress the family. You know there welfare is more important than mine. ( shaking head in amazement) I am just sooo glad the holidays are over now so I won't have to see her for awhile. I will see her at work but at least she won't be pushing me to be friendly with my 2 estranged brothers. I dream often of singing my song of truth on the Oprah show for all to see. My mom would be horrified. She would say I just wanted to hurt her. I am glad yuou have resolved things with your mom and yes I do love mine dearly but things do have to change for things to get better. And I figure I'm the best place to start.
Thinking of you often and praying we all can recover our souls.
Me
Well today is day number 5 for me and I do believe today has been the hardest. I am home from work and it seems so uncomfortable to be home and not smoking. I feel bored and restless. EVerything is done and I have curled up with a good recovery book but I still feel like I am missing something. But its day five and I've been trying so hard. I can't let myself get distracted. You know I think those celery sticks that I chopped the size of joints might really help right now. I do feel alittle better after 5 days but we all know I have a long way to go. I have been reaching out to an old friend who easily just walked away after being as entrenched as I was and she has been an amazing help through the past few days. I need her now though!! My hubby too has been so careful about not leaving me alone. It kind of annoys me because I can't even have privacy to write . But of course hes workin today and here I am alone and doubting myself. maybe hes right and he does have to watch me to make sure I don't use again. I feel as if I am isolating myself from everyone but I know its really only certain people. No need to feel bad about not getting messed up with them anymore. They don't need me joining them in killing ourselves. I guess I'm gonna go take a hot bath and then a nice nap. Its funny cause I feel so lazy now for napping when before I would waste the whole day and never flinch. Oh well. I'll try to write more later. Hope everyone is doing great!
Me
Me
hi AEA- i'm home today too... today i work from home. i can totally relate to how you are feeling and wanted you to know that. i however can not nap at this point. i start having panic attacks.... sleeping is still hard. last night was a little better. my dreams are still crazy and in techicolor but the panic at night seems to have calmed (at least last night) ... i used to smoke before bedtime as i hate to dream. so it's extra hard at night for me. further to wake clear is something i haven't known in years. last night my husband got up and i woke up and we had a conversation i was SO there as usually i'm oblivious to what does on during the night. unless i hear my daughter calling/crying (she's 3). i also have been getting night sweats too... but i like that cause i know the toxins are getting out of my system...
so here i am trying to work and not wanting to work or talk to anyone... just feel like renting a movie or going to a movie but i have too much work to do.
good your husband knows about all this, mine doesn't and hopefully won't ever know. he's a musician and a rare sqeaky clean one: no drugs or cigs ever etc... and would be devestated to know i didn't give it up with the cigs years ago like he thinks i did.. oh well, like i told my therapist this morning unless i die in the next three weeks he won't know. if i die they'll find lots of thc in my blood.... otherwise i'm done, done, done... don't want to go thru this again.
aside from keeping it a secret from my sweet husband, i just hate what became of me and now what i'm going thru. so like you i'm finding new ways to live as you are too.
the upbeat music you suggested helps a lot.
finding distractions when at home is really hard and often unsatisfying... my apt is a mess, still i'm keeping with the plan.
hang in there...you are not alone in this... day 6 for me.
thinking of you!
jane
so here i am trying to work and not wanting to work or talk to anyone... just feel like renting a movie or going to a movie but i have too much work to do.
good your husband knows about all this, mine doesn't and hopefully won't ever know. he's a musician and a rare sqeaky clean one: no drugs or cigs ever etc... and would be devestated to know i didn't give it up with the cigs years ago like he thinks i did.. oh well, like i told my therapist this morning unless i die in the next three weeks he won't know. if i die they'll find lots of thc in my blood.... otherwise i'm done, done, done... don't want to go thru this again.
aside from keeping it a secret from my sweet husband, i just hate what became of me and now what i'm going thru. so like you i'm finding new ways to live as you are too.
the upbeat music you suggested helps a lot.
finding distractions when at home is really hard and often unsatisfying... my apt is a mess, still i'm keeping with the plan.
hang in there...you are not alone in this... day 6 for me.
thinking of you!
jane
And Everything After,
Let me just say - "you know what you're doing and what you have to do."
You're giving others strength because of your determination and honesty so keep it up and keep up your own strength. If you take astep back remember it is just a step- you've taken so many more than that foward.
Life keeps going and you've opened many doors for yourself. Stay the wise and strong woman we on this forum know.
Good luck with it!
Let me just say - "you know what you're doing and what you have to do."
You're giving others strength because of your determination and honesty so keep it up and keep up your own strength. If you take astep back remember it is just a step- you've taken so many more than that foward.
Life keeps going and you've opened many doors for yourself. Stay the wise and strong woman we on this forum know.
Good luck with it!
Cam and Jane,
I appreciate all the support everyone has shown me on this board. I spent the day with my husband writing songs and I think it went well although I am unsure of my writing ability while sober. I know that sounds stupid because I should only get better and my voice has definetly improved. I think of you all anytime I think of using and it truly does help to know I'm not goin it alnoe. Thank you all for sharing your strength and insight. I am alittle worried because I have a whole weekend off and I will be alone alot but I plan on coming here to help. I hope all is well with everyone and I am remembering you all in my prayers.
I appreciate all the support everyone has shown me on this board. I spent the day with my husband writing songs and I think it went well although I am unsure of my writing ability while sober. I know that sounds stupid because I should only get better and my voice has definetly improved. I think of you all anytime I think of using and it truly does help to know I'm not goin it alnoe. Thank you all for sharing your strength and insight. I am alittle worried because I have a whole weekend off and I will be alone alot but I plan on coming here to help. I hope all is well with everyone and I am remembering you all in my prayers.
Me, have you brought yourself to do any step work or go to a meeting ? The reason I ask is that opening the window to your spiritual side is very important to long term sobriety without drugs -- and you sound like the type of individual that would be open to that sort of growth.
AEA, I do not want to shove it down your throat, but the spiritual side of things is also great for developing one's creative powers. Just look at Eric Clapton. He was all but washed up and then tragedy occurred but rather than returning to drugs, he developed his spiritual side. IMHO, he is better now than he has ever been.
August
August
Ok I spent most of the morning working on my album and it has been a really uplifting experience to be able to sing for hours and not be hoarse. I used to beat myself up so bad over it and now I just feel good. You are so right August, I'm sure my creative juices are flowing way smoother than ever before and I have you to thank for it all. I actually joined this board specifically because of you and your fellowship with other members like Trying and Rubie. When I read your name I automatically thought August and everything After which is a Counting Crows album and since I wanted to have no hints as to my identity I just picked that as my name. One problem I have with the idea of AA is that I already have a strong relationship with God and I hate the fact of thinking that I have to throw my problem and mistake on Him. I truly believe that you shouldn't just wallow in your religion and pray for things while not working toward what you are praying for. I also tend to shy away from people preaching religion because they like to impose their beliefs or they at least like a healthy debate about it and I am just worn out on discussing it. I know how I feel and I don't like it when people try to change my beliefs or impose theirs on mine. I also am very scared about seeing people I know at meetings. Also I have felt that since I already have God by my side and I still haven't excercised this demon that it is my problem that He wants me to resolve within me. I know AA has no specific denomination but I have seen a few friends be brainwashed into thinking that if they completely surrender to God then they will no longer be tempted or crave drugs but its just not true. I believe God wants me to conquer this with my own self control. He has told me that I have it in me to do it if I want to, not for my kids, or my parents, or for Him but because I want better for ME. If the 14th comes around and I have relapsed then I will go to the nearest meeting but I am keeping my mind full of all the reasons that I can do it on my own. He is walking with me always and I pray that I can make HIm proud. Its kinda like if I slip then I can blame it all on God not coming through for me and I will never do that again. He saved me when I had the courage to stand up and save myself, I believe it is true this time around as well. Once again, Thank you for all your help and support.
Me
Me
I decided to post a song I wrote about trying to quit.
MaryJane called today
said she'd like to go out and play
been tryin so hard to get away
sooo many dragons to slay
cause everythings outta control
standin in a perfect world with a broken soul
can somebody dig me outta this hole
I've lost all control
No satisfaction
just a slow reaction
want to get there but don't know the way
all my parents do is tell me to pray
but every time I visit God
I just hold him while he cries
cause everythings outta control
standin in God's world with an angels soul
but even He has no control
I'm left again with a lost soul
Lucifer called today
said he'd like to go out to play
been tryin so hard to get away
Even got the Lord's dragons to slay
Cause everythings outta control
standin with the weight of the world
on a broken soul
walked with the Lord today
but all we could do was pray.
MaryJane called today
said she'd like to go out and play
been tryin so hard to get away
sooo many dragons to slay
cause everythings outta control
standin in a perfect world with a broken soul
can somebody dig me outta this hole
I've lost all control
No satisfaction
just a slow reaction
want to get there but don't know the way
all my parents do is tell me to pray
but every time I visit God
I just hold him while he cries
cause everythings outta control
standin in God's world with an angels soul
but even He has no control
I'm left again with a lost soul
Lucifer called today
said he'd like to go out to play
been tryin so hard to get away
Even got the Lord's dragons to slay
Cause everythings outta control
standin with the weight of the world
on a broken soul
walked with the Lord today
but all we could do was pray.
Hi, AEA, yeah, I suspected that is where you got your name. I was just a little flattered by that. I really enjoyed that album when it came out--I was still newly sober in those days. I wanna be Bob Dylan Mr. Jones wishes he was someone a little more funky My screen name, on the other hand, was taken from a song by those paragons of healthy living, The Grateful Dead.
There is no one way to get sober. I can offer that through AA I found a roadmap to a stronger relationship with God. The idea is not so much that we shunt our problems off on Him, as much as it is that we attempt to open an active channel to the healing power that He offers.
I have learned that discussing religion and politics is pretty useless unless you are discussing them with someone who totally agrees with you. I do not like to preach, and further, I do not think that religion is something that can be shoved down the throat of others. I left church at the age of 15 and stayed away because there is so much baggage around what you are supposed to believe. AA is not like that. No one tells you what to believe, but they do make suggestions as to how you might act (i.e., dont smoke dope, go to meetings and try to help others).
I am going to offer you a description of the spiritual aspect of AA, as I understand it, but I am not trying to convince you that you must do this, or to otherwise shove it down your throat. I do want to give you some accurate information so that if and when you decide that your will power is failing you, you might realize that there are some other alternatives out there. Take what fits and leave the rest.
With serious addicts, the drugs have hard wired into our brains in a manner where self-control and will power inevitably fail after a period of time. I once quit pot for nearly a year based on will power, but then I suffered some set backs in my life and reverted to my old ways. Time and time again, this is where will power brought me: right back to my bag and my bong.
The spirituality taught in AA is one of letting go of reliance on our self control and will power and instead, learning to tap into a much more powerful and consistent source of strength, light and energy.
Like you, I have never subscribed to the idea that religion should be used as a crutch, or as a minion to meet my personal wants and desires. Nor do I blame God for the difficulties in my life or for my own personal failings.
I have seen lots of examples of people who believe that simply finding God is enough to stay off the dope. In my experience, it is not. We start with establishing a relationship with God, and then we look to that source of light for strength as we work hard to change the way we live our lives. It is not about thinking our way to sober living but rather, acting our way to sober thinking. It is not for the feint at heart and I certainly would never have embarked on that journey had I not tried every other conceivable option first.
The following is an excerpt from the personal story of one of the two founders of AA, Bill W. I found these words helpful when I was weighing whether or not I had the courage to do what AA asked of me. I hope you will read it and at least give it some passing consideration.
Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.
My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements. Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound. For a moment I was alarmed, and called my friend, the doctor, to ask if I were still sane. He listened in wonder as I talked. Finally he shook his head saying, "Something has happened to you I don't understand. But you had better hang on to it. Anything is better than the way you were."
The good doctor now sees many men who have such experiences. He knows that they are real. While I lay in the hospital the thought came that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some of them. They in turn might work with others. My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.
Perhaps you might see in this passage why I devote as much time to this board as I do. I do not do it begrudgingly out of a sense of obligation, but rather, as a by-product of a lt of work that has produced a waking awareness of God in my life.
I promise that I will not raise this topic again with you unless you approach me with questions. I just wanted you to hear the real deal about what AA is really about, straight from the horses (Bill Ws) mouth.
Good luck, keep checking in.
August
PS: If after reading this you have any doubt as to the legitimacy and power of this approach, give a listen to "My Father's Eyes," by Eric Clapton. Geesh, silly me, I htought he was singing about his Dad!
There is no one way to get sober. I can offer that through AA I found a roadmap to a stronger relationship with God. The idea is not so much that we shunt our problems off on Him, as much as it is that we attempt to open an active channel to the healing power that He offers.
I have learned that discussing religion and politics is pretty useless unless you are discussing them with someone who totally agrees with you. I do not like to preach, and further, I do not think that religion is something that can be shoved down the throat of others. I left church at the age of 15 and stayed away because there is so much baggage around what you are supposed to believe. AA is not like that. No one tells you what to believe, but they do make suggestions as to how you might act (i.e., dont smoke dope, go to meetings and try to help others).
I am going to offer you a description of the spiritual aspect of AA, as I understand it, but I am not trying to convince you that you must do this, or to otherwise shove it down your throat. I do want to give you some accurate information so that if and when you decide that your will power is failing you, you might realize that there are some other alternatives out there. Take what fits and leave the rest.
With serious addicts, the drugs have hard wired into our brains in a manner where self-control and will power inevitably fail after a period of time. I once quit pot for nearly a year based on will power, but then I suffered some set backs in my life and reverted to my old ways. Time and time again, this is where will power brought me: right back to my bag and my bong.
The spirituality taught in AA is one of letting go of reliance on our self control and will power and instead, learning to tap into a much more powerful and consistent source of strength, light and energy.
Like you, I have never subscribed to the idea that religion should be used as a crutch, or as a minion to meet my personal wants and desires. Nor do I blame God for the difficulties in my life or for my own personal failings.
I have seen lots of examples of people who believe that simply finding God is enough to stay off the dope. In my experience, it is not. We start with establishing a relationship with God, and then we look to that source of light for strength as we work hard to change the way we live our lives. It is not about thinking our way to sober living but rather, acting our way to sober thinking. It is not for the feint at heart and I certainly would never have embarked on that journey had I not tried every other conceivable option first.
The following is an excerpt from the personal story of one of the two founders of AA, Bill W. I found these words helpful when I was weighing whether or not I had the courage to do what AA asked of me. I hope you will read it and at least give it some passing consideration.
Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.
My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements. Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound. For a moment I was alarmed, and called my friend, the doctor, to ask if I were still sane. He listened in wonder as I talked. Finally he shook his head saying, "Something has happened to you I don't understand. But you had better hang on to it. Anything is better than the way you were."
The good doctor now sees many men who have such experiences. He knows that they are real. While I lay in the hospital the thought came that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some of them. They in turn might work with others. My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.
Perhaps you might see in this passage why I devote as much time to this board as I do. I do not do it begrudgingly out of a sense of obligation, but rather, as a by-product of a lt of work that has produced a waking awareness of God in my life.
I promise that I will not raise this topic again with you unless you approach me with questions. I just wanted you to hear the real deal about what AA is really about, straight from the horses (Bill Ws) mouth.
Good luck, keep checking in.
August
PS: If after reading this you have any doubt as to the legitimacy and power of this approach, give a listen to "My Father's Eyes," by Eric Clapton. Geesh, silly me, I htought he was singing about his Dad!
AEA, just through your words and the manner in which you express yourself, you have a beautiful spirit. I have little doubt, actually, that through the exercise of self will and will power, you can make it until Jan. 14, the litmus test that you have established for yourself.
The concern that I would like to express to you, if I may do so, involves your continued recovery and abstinence beyond Jan. 14. I assume that recovery and abstinence is your goal, by taking one day of abstinence at a time, and that you are not simply currently testing yourself to see whether you are able to quit anytime you wish.
The concern that I would like to express to you, if I may do so, involves your continued recovery and abstinence beyond Jan. 14. I assume that recovery and abstinence is your goal, by taking one day of abstinence at a time, and that you are not simply currently testing yourself to see whether you are able to quit anytime you wish.
August,
Today has actually been kinda hard for me. It feels almost like an itch that I just can't reach and its making me agitated. I finished the house work, came to check the board and was thrilled to read 2 absolutely helpful and heartfelt posts. You all have really changed the way my day was going. I'm poppin in that uplifting CD now and I think I might make it another day. Ya know I used to never clean the house first thing in the morning and its such a lovely thing to do for yourself. Jane, If your reading this I want you to know that I think its working better this time because I can be comfortable in my home and be proud that I have changed. My house has never been showcase material but things are different now. I actually care about hostessing and being able to invite someone into my house. I really never thought much about it before but I never let anyone in my house before. If the neighbor came by to chat about our cats I would go stand on the porch. Now that I think about it I can't believe how rude I was but I seriously have never considered it before. I'm almost giddy with wanting someone to stop by and see how well I'm doing but everyone is conditioned to leave me alone.Its sad that I have done this to myself. Instead of getting up and toking I have been taking a hot shower. I don't know why but I've never been one to shower first thing in the morning unless I have to be somewhere. Its like I can't get dressed if I'm just chillin at home. Well why not? Its something my mom does(not getting dressed unless shes leaving) and I made sure all week that I am not becoming my mother.. After my shower I am absolutely distracted and its on to makeup and hair. Now I begin cleaning up and let me tell ya when you clean up everyday its only alittle cleaning instead of a months worth. This is about the time I start panicking and worrying about what to do with myself now. Thank you again for being so supportive because once i get on the computer hours can pass and I don't really notice and thats exactly why I wanted a great place like this. I just have to make it till 3. Hubby will be home then. I understand how you say that helping others helps you too. I have chosen to work with the mentally challenged and it is the the reason I have such a positive outlook on life now. They make me feel so loved and cherished and I have chosen to continue working in the first home we started with 5 years ago. Being in the home instead of in the office makes me feel more connected to the business but my mom says I just shy away fro the office because of my habit. I still can't imagine leaving my guys and that is really why I stay. Because I love them and I know they would miss me terribly. Its not about dressing up pretty and sittin behind a desk for me. Hmm I guess I get that fulfilled enough at home, recently. LOL Do you think I would jeopardizing my business if I went to AA? Would it be ok to lie and say its an alcohol problem instead of a weed problem? I'm sure you'll say no but I have to ask.
Bob,
WHat a kind thing of you to say! It does warm my heart to know that you think of me as beautiful without even seeing my face. What a nice thought!
I appreciate your concern and would like to explain that I must stop smoking weed FOREVER! I do not want to work hard just to dissapoint myself and everyone else. I made that bargain with myself so I could just make it through the first couple of days. I am beginning to realise that if I want to give myself a better chance at staying clean then I should just go check out a meeting. Ya never know till ya go. It is imperitive for my survival that I continue with my sobriety. My future depends on it. Thanks again for your concern! I do take your advice to heart.
Me
P.S. Trying, Rubie, Jane....I am thinking of you often. Please remember me in your prayers and know you are in mine.
Today has actually been kinda hard for me. It feels almost like an itch that I just can't reach and its making me agitated. I finished the house work, came to check the board and was thrilled to read 2 absolutely helpful and heartfelt posts. You all have really changed the way my day was going. I'm poppin in that uplifting CD now and I think I might make it another day. Ya know I used to never clean the house first thing in the morning and its such a lovely thing to do for yourself. Jane, If your reading this I want you to know that I think its working better this time because I can be comfortable in my home and be proud that I have changed. My house has never been showcase material but things are different now. I actually care about hostessing and being able to invite someone into my house. I really never thought much about it before but I never let anyone in my house before. If the neighbor came by to chat about our cats I would go stand on the porch. Now that I think about it I can't believe how rude I was but I seriously have never considered it before. I'm almost giddy with wanting someone to stop by and see how well I'm doing but everyone is conditioned to leave me alone.Its sad that I have done this to myself. Instead of getting up and toking I have been taking a hot shower. I don't know why but I've never been one to shower first thing in the morning unless I have to be somewhere. Its like I can't get dressed if I'm just chillin at home. Well why not? Its something my mom does(not getting dressed unless shes leaving) and I made sure all week that I am not becoming my mother.. After my shower I am absolutely distracted and its on to makeup and hair. Now I begin cleaning up and let me tell ya when you clean up everyday its only alittle cleaning instead of a months worth. This is about the time I start panicking and worrying about what to do with myself now. Thank you again for being so supportive because once i get on the computer hours can pass and I don't really notice and thats exactly why I wanted a great place like this. I just have to make it till 3. Hubby will be home then. I understand how you say that helping others helps you too. I have chosen to work with the mentally challenged and it is the the reason I have such a positive outlook on life now. They make me feel so loved and cherished and I have chosen to continue working in the first home we started with 5 years ago. Being in the home instead of in the office makes me feel more connected to the business but my mom says I just shy away fro the office because of my habit. I still can't imagine leaving my guys and that is really why I stay. Because I love them and I know they would miss me terribly. Its not about dressing up pretty and sittin behind a desk for me. Hmm I guess I get that fulfilled enough at home, recently. LOL Do you think I would jeopardizing my business if I went to AA? Would it be ok to lie and say its an alcohol problem instead of a weed problem? I'm sure you'll say no but I have to ask.
Bob,
WHat a kind thing of you to say! It does warm my heart to know that you think of me as beautiful without even seeing my face. What a nice thought!
I appreciate your concern and would like to explain that I must stop smoking weed FOREVER! I do not want to work hard just to dissapoint myself and everyone else. I made that bargain with myself so I could just make it through the first couple of days. I am beginning to realise that if I want to give myself a better chance at staying clean then I should just go check out a meeting. Ya never know till ya go. It is imperitive for my survival that I continue with my sobriety. My future depends on it. Thanks again for your concern! I do take your advice to heart.
Me
P.S. Trying, Rubie, Jane....I am thinking of you often. Please remember me in your prayers and know you are in mine.
