Hi, I am new to this blog. Where to start? I am seeing many stories like mine on this site.
Living in rural western NC, no meetings in a 60 mile radius for me to go to. I am a parent of an adult addict. As far as I know, my son has been using drugs since he was 15 years old, he is 28 now. His drug of choice oxycontin. It got expensive so he started shooting up heroin instead. He has been in 2 treatment centers where he never completed the program.
Over the years, I have spent tens of thousands of dollars to keep him out of trouble thinking that giving him another chance would somehow change things. There were many times that I thought I would be burying him; as with any parent the biggest fear is outliving your child. I have blamed myself for being a single parent and bargained with "If Only" too many times. At 56, it has taken its toll on me financially and emotionally.
I will be a grandmother (Nana) in late October. Part of me is happy about that and another is fearful. Why? Cause I know that my son cannot support himself so how will he support a son?
3 weeks ago, he went to Detox only to leave in less than 24 hours. He wanted to clean up cause he has a son on the way. For the past 3 weeks, he has been in a methadone treatment program where he goes every day to get his dosage and also talk to a therapist. I pay for this as well as his gas to get there. Living in rural SC, it takes 20 minutes for him to get to town. He still has no job and keeps saying "Any day now". Soon there will be a truck payment and who knows what else.
One of his best friends that he grew up with and was like a son to me, died of an overdose in late July. This seemed to shake him pretty bad, as a parent it was another wake up call for me.
So what is so different this time? Not sure. He does admit now that he has a drug problem. He does admit there are times he wants to run off to that familiar place to get his drugs instead of the treatment center. He is talking more about what he is feeling.
What bothers me is that he does not go to meetings. He has a meeting list and all he has to do is show up. The other problem is no work and I do not think he is trying very hard to find a job.
I fear that this is all about to come to a head again as my finances are dwindling down. I get mad at myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I want to be there to support my son and get the proper treatment. I also know that this is his life and he has to work his own program. He was able to find means to get his drugs then he should be able to finds means to stay clean.
Thanks for listening and I am open to any experience, strength and hope you can provide.
I'm sorry to read of your pain and I'm sure our stories are pretty similar. I can't offer any fixes, but we just told our son this week that he can no longer live at home. We haven't paid for his insurance or doctor bills or lunches or anything in a long time, but he quit his job and stole from us for the last time. As I said above, I refuse to be a flotation device any longer for someone who won't even hang on. I know it's a disease, I know it's not as easy as just stop, and I know my heart is breaking long after I thought it couldn't possibly keep hurting any more.
I don't know where he is, if he even ate today, if he's looking for a place to sleep tonight or if he's nodding out on someone's couch right now. I can no longer support him in his addiction and I have to save myself now. He's on his own. I hope your son finds the road to recovery soon, but he has to do it, not you.
I don't know where he is, if he even ate today, if he's looking for a place to sleep tonight or if he's nodding out on someone's couch right now. I can no longer support him in his addiction and I have to save myself now. He's on his own. I hope your son finds the road to recovery soon, but he has to do it, not you.
Dear Nana,
I am sorry to hear that Al Anon or NAR Anon meetings are too far away. If you are OK with faith-based programs, you might look into a local church that offers a meeting. It is very unusual not to have a meeting within driving distance.
Also, look at buying the Al Anon "big book" called "How it works in Al Anon".
Please stop providing any money, or any kind of support that can be converted into cash, to your son. Enabling and codepdency has killed as many people as the drugs themselves. I know this sounds harsh and I don't mean to sound "preachy", but it is a sad truth when it comes to addiction.
Your son will chose recovery when he wants to. If he doesn't, he will be in jaul or the grave. There is nothing you can do to help him make the decision.
By stopping enabling, the natural conseqences of his actions will rest solely with him. Then, the odds of him choosing recovery will increase. This is incredibly difficult to do on your own because addicts are extremely convincing and the stakes are high. If you can't find a meeting, then see if there is a hotline where you can find a temporary sponsor to work with you over the telephone.
You are in a precarious position. Please don't try this on your own.
Message back if you'd like. Good luck. Flyboy
I am sorry to hear that Al Anon or NAR Anon meetings are too far away. If you are OK with faith-based programs, you might look into a local church that offers a meeting. It is very unusual not to have a meeting within driving distance.
Also, look at buying the Al Anon "big book" called "How it works in Al Anon".
Please stop providing any money, or any kind of support that can be converted into cash, to your son. Enabling and codepdency has killed as many people as the drugs themselves. I know this sounds harsh and I don't mean to sound "preachy", but it is a sad truth when it comes to addiction.
Your son will chose recovery when he wants to. If he doesn't, he will be in jaul or the grave. There is nothing you can do to help him make the decision.
By stopping enabling, the natural conseqences of his actions will rest solely with him. Then, the odds of him choosing recovery will increase. This is incredibly difficult to do on your own because addicts are extremely convincing and the stakes are high. If you can't find a meeting, then see if there is a hotline where you can find a temporary sponsor to work with you over the telephone.
You are in a precarious position. Please don't try this on your own.
Message back if you'd like. Good luck. Flyboy
Dear Nana,
I completely understand about the meetings being too far. I am on an Island with only ferry service. There are also online meetings as well. Maybe you could try one of those. I come to this site everyday, I feel like this is my community because someone who has never had to deal with this issue really does not know what you are dealing with, so I don't ever listen to them anymore.
I completely understand about the meetings being too far. I am on an Island with only ferry service. There are also online meetings as well. Maybe you could try one of those. I come to this site everyday, I feel like this is my community because someone who has never had to deal with this issue really does not know what you are dealing with, so I don't ever listen to them anymore.
Thank you all who have responded and those who have read my post. Much good advice from you and very comforting for me to get feedback. I get it with the cash and enabling part. The money I fund now is directly to the methadone clinic and also to my son's girlfriend for gas to get there. There were times in the past where I thought a food card or buying and item was okay but then I found out that he had only pawned these off to get drugs.
Looking into the local churches here for meetings. Closest Nar-Anon meeting is in Asheville which is over an hour away which I cannot make because of my job. The Al-Anon meeting that I did go to close by was uncomfortable for me. Reason is there are a couple of people in there I know that were drawing me in for the wrong reasons. Never had that experience when I went to meetings when I lived in South Florida. Needless to say I did not go back.
Its been over 4 weeks now and my son is doing well with his program. I still hold my breath.
Tough love is so difficult at times, I try not to let it consume me.
Again, thank you for your experience, strength and hope. God bless!
Looking into the local churches here for meetings. Closest Nar-Anon meeting is in Asheville which is over an hour away which I cannot make because of my job. The Al-Anon meeting that I did go to close by was uncomfortable for me. Reason is there are a couple of people in there I know that were drawing me in for the wrong reasons. Never had that experience when I went to meetings when I lived in South Florida. Needless to say I did not go back.
Its been over 4 weeks now and my son is doing well with his program. I still hold my breath.
Tough love is so difficult at times, I try not to let it consume me.
Again, thank you for your experience, strength and hope. God bless!
I just learned about SMART recovery--it has on-line support groups. I don't know a lot about it but maybe google it. It just might be worthwhile to you. Hope it helps. Thanks you all for sharing. It helps.
