I have always been hesitant to post on forums but I feel like I can't talk to anyone else about what I'm experiencing. I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years and we've been living together for the past 2. He has been a cocaine addict for more than 15 years, a fact that he told me about straight away when we started dating but that didn't rear its ugly head until nearly a year in. He has a 10-year old son from a previous relationship who stays with us once a week and every other weekend. He has a very good, high-paying job that he has somehow managed to always keep despite periods of frequent absences or tardiness due to the addiction.
He started going to NA about four months ago. He did well the first 2 months but since January, he has had 3 relapses and the time between them continues to decrease. The most recent relapse happened over the weekend when he went to work in the morning, only to disappear until the next day. I was left to take care of his son and try to invent excuses for why his father still wasn't home and to distract him and be cheerful and upbeat even though I was a complete panicked mess inside.
So many of the things that I read on these forums are painfully familiar and I often feel as though I'm reading about myself. Lately, I find myself wondering how on earth I got here. I have slowly isolated myself from most of my friends, preferring not to have to pretend everything is fine or justify why I am still in a relationship that is sucking the life out of me. I am always worried but trying to hide it in order to be supportive. If he doesn't answer his phone right away, I panic. His addiction exacerbates his jealousy, making him suspicious of everything I do and every time I look at my phone, even though I have never been unfaithful.
Looking back, I had plenty of opportunities to get out before things got so serious between us but the guilt of abandoning him always stopped me. I've been going to a psychiatrist for nearly a year and I know that I have my own issues that tie me to disastrous situations because I want to help. In this particular case, I feel so responsible for his son. He adores his father and the little time they have together and I am so afraid that if I leave, my boyfriend will lose it completely and his ex won't let him see his son. He is not my son and he has a mother, I know. But I don't know how I would cope knowing how much my decision could hurt him, particularly at such a delicate stage in his life when he's about to start middle school and adolescence and all the difficulties that go with that, on top of the fact that his parents are separated to begin with.
I am so angry even though I know that this is a disease and that it's not something my boyfriend is doing purposely to hurt me. The rational side of me that recognises this fact is in constant conflict with my emotional side that can't accept his inability to JUST.STOP. I know it doesn't work that way, I know it takes years of commitment and dedication and support, I know that it is a lifelong battle to stay clean. I am also angry at myself for letting myself get so deep into a situation that I have no control over and that has taken over my life. Can I go through the rest of my life like this? Always wary of a possible relapse? Always putting myself and my own needs second to his and his addiction?
Dear Sadie, As you have come to realize addicts are self absorbed and selfish,they care about their fix and their next high...You have no control over another person's actions..He is an addict,one That chooses to get high or drug binge knowing you and his ten year old son are waiting to spend time with him...so what does that tell you...He chooses the addiction and cocaine before you.....I think it's really nice spending time with his son ...and I'm sure his son appreciates that....but I'm also sure he knows something is up with his Dad,and might even wonder why Dad isn't there to spend time with him...How foolish his father doesn't understand this are the influential years of his son....the days son and Dad should be developing a bond...where his father should be teaching him right from wrong but more importantly how to be a young man...a woman can teach a son how to be a gentleman but it's the father who usually teaches him to be a man....Now let's talk about you ...You are selling yourself short you are second to cocaine....You deserve more then that...in a realtionship you shouldn't have to settle for less...believe me....you'll resent it and you'll realize you are wasting your time....You cannot get back wasted time...You will forever be changed ...You will learn not to trust to question you will lose self worth...is that what you want for yourself...as far as the son do you and his Mom speak? Why can't you have a realtionship with the son if you choose not to be with his father? If you choose you want to be with him you have to stop tip toeing around his addiction and speak to him about it....everything is not about just him...his addiction is his,but his addiction is affecting you ...and as you are investing yourself and your time into the realtionship you have every right to know where it is going ,what he intends to do regarding his addiction...and no you have the right to decide if it is in your best interest to remain....He needs to be honest if he is going to address his addiction and begin recovery,or whether he is going to continue to use. ..then it's going to be your call....to stay or to go...You cannot be responsible for other people's happiness you can be responsible for your own..its not fair you are losing yourself your friends your life in his selfish addiction....You deserve better.The title of your post is speaking loud and clear how you feel.....think about it.
Hi Christophers Mom and thanks for replying to my post. What I am most worried about in leaving this relationship and precarious situation is the aftermath and what that will mean especially for my boyfriend's son. It really isn't about whether or not I'll be able to see him but whether he'll be able to see his dad, as I fear my boyfriend would have a complete meltdown and his ex would take definitive steps to limit his ability to spend time with his son (social services, full custody, etc). I know that after a certain point, that's no longer my responsibility and that in the end, it is the addiction that has brought about this whole mess to begin with but I feel so terribly guilty.
There are days where I am more hopeful and I see how hard he is fighting the addiction, going to meetings, keeping in touch with his sponsor, reading the books he gets from NA, avoiding dangerous situations with friends who use, going to the gym and trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Then there are other moments where I am overcome by desperation and I don't see how this will ever get any better.
I don't know why but I just can't accept that he can't beat this. I can't accept that I have wasted all this time for nothing. And I can't accept that this addiction ruin the life of an innocent child.
There are days where I am more hopeful and I see how hard he is fighting the addiction, going to meetings, keeping in touch with his sponsor, reading the books he gets from NA, avoiding dangerous situations with friends who use, going to the gym and trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Then there are other moments where I am overcome by desperation and I don't see how this will ever get any better.
I don't know why but I just can't accept that he can't beat this. I can't accept that I have wasted all this time for nothing. And I can't accept that this addiction ruin the life of an innocent child.
Dear Sadie,
You probably heard this before. You should look up where a program called Naranon meets in your area. Its actually recovery for all people that suffer from loved ones addictions. its a program for people like yourself in need for help and advice what to do. If you want to show support its not a bad idea to see what its all about. You will learn so much about addiction. You can get a sponsor as well. I promise you will not be dissapointed!!!
Good luck and be well
Joseph
You probably heard this before. You should look up where a program called Naranon meets in your area. Its actually recovery for all people that suffer from loved ones addictions. its a program for people like yourself in need for help and advice what to do. If you want to show support its not a bad idea to see what its all about. You will learn so much about addiction. You can get a sponsor as well. I promise you will not be dissapointed!!!
Good luck and be well
Joseph
Joseph, Sadie, I just went to my first Nar-Anon mtg last night. After 10 years, I have been led to this group. I look forward to what I can learn there, and talk and listen to other parents with adult addict children, and others dealing with a loved one in addiction. Thank you Joseph fro suggesting this ave for Sadie, and Christophers Mom, thank you for your awesome activity on this site.
Anything I can do to help. Christophers mom is great. They need you at Naranon. If you speak as good as you write you have a career on speaking at NA conventions. We have one here on long island in ny every year. Its every January. I would love to have you. Actually we spoke about creating a seperate meeting for younger children and pre teens affected by there older siblings that are addicted to drugs and or alcohol. But it fell through. That is covered in naranon. Keep up the great posts.
Joseph
Joseph
Hi Joseph, If you were meaning Christophers Mom in your reply, I would love to hear her as a speaker, if you were referring to me, I am ready for that. I love speaker mtgs as I always walk away with that much more S,H, and E. It is just such a great tool to have come to the life of a 12 step program, even I, lose my track now & then, sites and people I find here are a gift for new hope and continued sobriety and recovery. I look forward to my newfound meeting with a more similar group, yet more narrowed down and specific.
Have a great day and a Healthy one :)
Have a great day and a Healthy one :)
Sadie, you are having a relationship with his addiction, no longer with the man himself. As the periods between intense using decrease, things will deteriorate...leaving his son was a red flag that he is out of control. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but it is in your best interests to establish some boundaries around all of this so that you don't get dragged in any deeper, and the other are right that AlAnon or Nar-Anon is an excellent start...you will find others who can help you understand not so much him, but more importantly yourself.
I hope this finds you well ~ Peace ~ MomNMore
I hope this finds you well ~ Peace ~ MomNMore
Thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts. I'd really like to go to a group but unfortunately, I live overseas and there is no Nar-Anon here. They have AA and NA but they haven't set up groups for families and partners of addicts. I've searched for other similar kinds of support groups but there don't seem to be any in my area...the last pseudo-group fell apart a few years ago, I think because of a lack of funding/organisation. I've been seeing a therapist for nearly a year to try and cope with the stress that this addiction puts on my life. I just recently started writing on here because I don't have any friends or acquaintances who are going through the same sort of thing and it's just really difficult to talk to people who can't relate because they haven't had any experience with addiction.
My boyfriend just had another relapse last night...this is number 5 since he started going to meetings in November and the interval between this one and the last one is shorter than the previous interval, which was shorter than the one before that. I feel like I already know where this is going, been there, done that, but I also don't want to be negative and discouraging. I mean, I see how hard he's trying and how differently he has been facing his addiction since he started the meetings....but what if he just can't do it? What if no matter what he does and how hard he tries, he's never able to beat the beast? On this forum alone, there are 125 posts in the "success stories" section compared to, for example, this families and partners section, which has 11327. How can I ignore those odds??
My boyfriend just had another relapse last night...this is number 5 since he started going to meetings in November and the interval between this one and the last one is shorter than the previous interval, which was shorter than the one before that. I feel like I already know where this is going, been there, done that, but I also don't want to be negative and discouraging. I mean, I see how hard he's trying and how differently he has been facing his addiction since he started the meetings....but what if he just can't do it? What if no matter what he does and how hard he tries, he's never able to beat the beast? On this forum alone, there are 125 posts in the "success stories" section compared to, for example, this families and partners section, which has 11327. How can I ignore those odds??
The success stories move on and tend to stop posting...I know this from experience. They and their loved ones move on, have a life, give back in other ways, but really just stop living in the addiction and start living in real time. So yes, people come for help and post their desperation, but when the desperation fades, the need to reach out lessens. The odds are not necessarliy what they appear based on the desperation you find on a message board.
That said, I could have gotten fat eating all my "what ifs"...the list is endless. But what if he doesn't make it? Your life will go on. If he does, your life will still go on. Try to stay in the present moment, it's really all we ever get.
Peace ~ MomNMore
That said, I could have gotten fat eating all my "what ifs"...the list is endless. But what if he doesn't make it? Your life will go on. If he does, your life will still go on. Try to stay in the present moment, it's really all we ever get.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Sadie,
Im glad to see you back. Got worried there for a while. I see that you are trying. Posting on sites like these really help. I failed to mention. I was a cocaine addict myself trying to recover. I have 3 1/2 years clean. I remember the days of me trying to get clean without a recovery program in my life. However, I didnt call them relapses. I called them brief moment of sobriety. Which lasted a few days and sometimes a week. I cant tell you what finally did it for me. Because I lied to my wife constantly about wanting to get clean. I would even tell her Im going to meetings. I also made up a phony name and number and put it in my phone and said he was my sponsor. The only time I fesed up to a relapse was when I got caught and my back was against the wall. I would swear up and down that I wasnt using. I would even sware on my kids life. I knew where all the NA meetings were before I even stepped foot in one. I managed to keep a well paying job and pay all my bills while using. I just woke up one day and I was sick of always having to use. In the past I would not go anywhere without my drugs. I wouldnt even go on vacation without stuffing my socks and underwear with coke. Now I think of it and it makes me sick. I put myself and most of all my family in jepardy. The 1st year wasnt easy. I didnt know how to perform without drugs. I was very depressed. But eventually it gets better. My worst day clean is better than my best day using. I was always lieing. It feels great not having to lie anymore. Keep getting yourself educated about this desease. This way you know if your boyfriend is really trying or just fakeing it to you. Good luck...
Im glad to see you back. Got worried there for a while. I see that you are trying. Posting on sites like these really help. I failed to mention. I was a cocaine addict myself trying to recover. I have 3 1/2 years clean. I remember the days of me trying to get clean without a recovery program in my life. However, I didnt call them relapses. I called them brief moment of sobriety. Which lasted a few days and sometimes a week. I cant tell you what finally did it for me. Because I lied to my wife constantly about wanting to get clean. I would even tell her Im going to meetings. I also made up a phony name and number and put it in my phone and said he was my sponsor. The only time I fesed up to a relapse was when I got caught and my back was against the wall. I would swear up and down that I wasnt using. I would even sware on my kids life. I knew where all the NA meetings were before I even stepped foot in one. I managed to keep a well paying job and pay all my bills while using. I just woke up one day and I was sick of always having to use. In the past I would not go anywhere without my drugs. I wouldnt even go on vacation without stuffing my socks and underwear with coke. Now I think of it and it makes me sick. I put myself and most of all my family in jepardy. The 1st year wasnt easy. I didnt know how to perform without drugs. I was very depressed. But eventually it gets better. My worst day clean is better than my best day using. I was always lieing. It feels great not having to lie anymore. Keep getting yourself educated about this desease. This way you know if your boyfriend is really trying or just fakeing it to you. Good luck...
MomNMore - thanks for your encouragement. As you said, the "what-ifs" are endless and will eat away at you if you let them. I have to try and focus on what is happening right now but sometimes it's just so hard.
Joseph - thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on your 3.5 years and kudos for committing to staying clean. I appreciate you putting me on alert about the lying and faking going to meetings...in my boyfriend's case, he is no longer a functional user. By that I mean, the reaction he has to coke now is completely debilitating: he stops answering his phone as he can barely speak, he is consumed by paranoia, hears voices, he holes up either at home or in a motel somewhere and is basically off the grid for 12 hours. There is no hiding when he has used, either when he's at home or when he's out which, I suppose, is a positive thing in a way because I have no doubts about if and when.
About a year ago, I pushed him to start going to meetings and at that time, he went once with a fake name and then never went back and the situation kept getting worse. This time around, his approach is different, I know that he has understood that time is up, he can't go on like this if he wants to salvage his life and be there for his son. I have met his sponsor and I am quite sure that he goes to the meetings when he says he does...it's just that to date, he hasn't ever gotten past 2 months clean and, as I said in my last post, the interval between relapses keeps decreasing. I don't know if this is common when people first start (if there is such a thing as common in such subjective situations) or if it's a sign that things are destined to go downhill again regardless.
It is so hard for me to keep being supportive after every relapse. I've been dealing with this issue, to varying degrees of severity, for nearly three years and it's increasingly harder for me to be positive and encouraging the days after he's used. I try so hard to be there for him all the time, my life basically revolves around him (big mistake on my part, I know) and I'm always so crushed when he slips up. And yet, he expects me to pretty much have no reaction, just carry on and pick up where we left off. He gets angry that I'm sad or withdrawn, he says that I just make things worse. And I just think...how dare you? How dare you take out on me what you fail to do for yourself? There are moments when I feel so much anger, so much hate that completely drown out the love I once so passionately felt for him. Everyone must be asking themselves, "Why the $%& are you still with him then?" It's the guilt of giving up on him and on having failed to help him. It's the feeling of responsibility (as I've said before) towards his son. Co-dependency. Guilt. I'm consumed by it and I know it rationally but I can't seem to get out of its grip.
Addiction is a monster and there isn't nearly enough being done to help the people who are being devoured by it. The city we live in only has one NA meeting a week, which my boyfriend's sponsor has already told him is not enough. The closest city near ours that has another single meeting a week is about 40 minutes away. There are people who go from city to city every night in order to attend meetings but I feel like that's just not possible for a lot of people. As I've said before, there aren't even any meetings for families and loved ones of addicts. It's just so frustrating that there seems to be such little interest in helping people who so desperately need it.
Joseph - thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on your 3.5 years and kudos for committing to staying clean. I appreciate you putting me on alert about the lying and faking going to meetings...in my boyfriend's case, he is no longer a functional user. By that I mean, the reaction he has to coke now is completely debilitating: he stops answering his phone as he can barely speak, he is consumed by paranoia, hears voices, he holes up either at home or in a motel somewhere and is basically off the grid for 12 hours. There is no hiding when he has used, either when he's at home or when he's out which, I suppose, is a positive thing in a way because I have no doubts about if and when.
About a year ago, I pushed him to start going to meetings and at that time, he went once with a fake name and then never went back and the situation kept getting worse. This time around, his approach is different, I know that he has understood that time is up, he can't go on like this if he wants to salvage his life and be there for his son. I have met his sponsor and I am quite sure that he goes to the meetings when he says he does...it's just that to date, he hasn't ever gotten past 2 months clean and, as I said in my last post, the interval between relapses keeps decreasing. I don't know if this is common when people first start (if there is such a thing as common in such subjective situations) or if it's a sign that things are destined to go downhill again regardless.
It is so hard for me to keep being supportive after every relapse. I've been dealing with this issue, to varying degrees of severity, for nearly three years and it's increasingly harder for me to be positive and encouraging the days after he's used. I try so hard to be there for him all the time, my life basically revolves around him (big mistake on my part, I know) and I'm always so crushed when he slips up. And yet, he expects me to pretty much have no reaction, just carry on and pick up where we left off. He gets angry that I'm sad or withdrawn, he says that I just make things worse. And I just think...how dare you? How dare you take out on me what you fail to do for yourself? There are moments when I feel so much anger, so much hate that completely drown out the love I once so passionately felt for him. Everyone must be asking themselves, "Why the $%& are you still with him then?" It's the guilt of giving up on him and on having failed to help him. It's the feeling of responsibility (as I've said before) towards his son. Co-dependency. Guilt. I'm consumed by it and I know it rationally but I can't seem to get out of its grip.
Addiction is a monster and there isn't nearly enough being done to help the people who are being devoured by it. The city we live in only has one NA meeting a week, which my boyfriend's sponsor has already told him is not enough. The closest city near ours that has another single meeting a week is about 40 minutes away. There are people who go from city to city every night in order to attend meetings but I feel like that's just not possible for a lot of people. As I've said before, there aren't even any meetings for families and loved ones of addicts. It's just so frustrating that there seems to be such little interest in helping people who so desperately need it.
