I haven't posted for a time...but some of you who are familiar with my story regarding my EX bs/bf....his boasting of being heroin free for 2 years even though for a year he was living with a dealer with an expensive heroin/methadone habit herself who he has copped from in the past.....until the place was busted and the bf was charged with drug trafficking....of course he claimed innocence and bargained with the prosecutor for a reduced conviction of drug possession carrying a sentence of 5 years probation instead of serving 9 months in prison and attending 3 AA NA or CA meetings a week.....
Well i was looking behind my stereo hutch for something the other day and i found a blue packet wrapped with a rubber band....upon opening it up there were five individual folded packets with heroin in each.....i don't know if it was meant for sale or personal use but i don't think the bf could afford about 100 bucks of heroin right now and besides he is on probation....
Of course i flushed it all down the toilet and i haven't spoken to him for 5 weeks as he threatened me not to come over to his place as he thought i was cheating on him but he sounded high when he left the message.....but about a week ago he started calling again telling me that he was moving and to write to him if i ever was in trouble...despite the fact he thinks i am with a "new man" which i am not....
Some friends think that he probably forgot that he put the heroin there but i think that he is using despite being on probation and i think 100 bucks of heroin would be worth something to him....
I just feel very angry used but mostly scared as i could have gotten in big trouble if the cops were here for some other reason and found that.....and how could someone who "loves" you put you in danger like that to save his own skin and all the lies he has told to family friends lawyers me etc about his innocence and going to meetings and telling the people there he hasn't used in 2 years and of course having unprotected sex with me and lying about his using...
I have never done heroin and have no desire to do so but now i wish i had just swallowed all that s*** i found just get it over with.....i don't want to live in a world where a loved one would rather see you locked up or dead than lose his precious heroin......i am going to tell that lowlife what i found and what i did with it and show him up for all the times he has belittled me verbally and hit me for calling him a liar about his using...
Very scared....MARY
Hi!
I just read your cry for help and can relate to what you have experienced and lived with. All I want to say to you, is put your running shoes and run like hell away from him, you will never win against H. It's his war to fight and not yours. Also, protect your, money, property, belongings, protect yourself. Do you want to land up on a slab, because of him. He is really not worth it, girl. Do YOU want a jail sentence against you because if the police find drugs in your house, take note here, then YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!, will be charged with dealing which is big offence. Girl, RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Take Care of YOU
Rosie
I just read your cry for help and can relate to what you have experienced and lived with. All I want to say to you, is put your running shoes and run like hell away from him, you will never win against H. It's his war to fight and not yours. Also, protect your, money, property, belongings, protect yourself. Do you want to land up on a slab, because of him. He is really not worth it, girl. Do YOU want a jail sentence against you because if the police find drugs in your house, take note here, then YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!, will be charged with dealing which is big offence. Girl, RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Take Care of YOU
Rosie
Mary,
Please don't tell him that you found his sh*t and flushed it down the toilet.
If he has belittled and hit you before , what you have done with his s**t could anger him, and you might be in for it again.
He sounds so unpredictable.
I have read your other posts, and this guy hasn't treated you very well to say the least.
He has threatened you. I think that you know that you need to stay away from him.
Let him move away, you don't need his help if you are ever in "trouble".
Yes, you could have gotten in alot of trouble if the cops had found that in your posession, I'm glad you found it and got rid of it.
Mary you said "....and how could someone who "loves" you put you in danger like that to save his own skin and all the lies he has told to family friends lawyers me etc about his innocence and going to meetings and telling the people there he hasn't used in 2 years and of course having unprotected sex with me and lying about his using..."
Look at this sentence...there is so much heartbreak, and hurt, and deciet,...and this is just a small part of what you have endured with him...
To me, it doesn't sound like he loves you.... people in love don't treat each other in this way...ever.
Maybe you were just convienent to him.
Breaking up is not easy when you love someone. You have done all you can to make this relationship work.
This has been a one-sided relationship, with only you trying.
Mary, you are worth so much more than to be treated like this.
I know of the feelings of panic, and loss when your love leaves you, like he did.
I know of the feelings of worthlessness, and the thoughts of ending it all too.
Mary you have almost made it through. I always say the breaking point is the 6 week mark. You can do this.
There is love after such a devastating relationship. There is someone out there who is looking for you, to love,..if you want.
Someone who loves, and appreciates you for you.
You need to know that you are worthwhile, and what you have lived through is not normal, he treated you very badly.
You are special , and deserve to be treated like a princess.
You must be exhausted from enduring such a trying relationship.
I'm thanking God that you are walking away with your life from this guy.
Take some time for yourself. Love yourself. Treat yourself with respect.
You are so worth it my sister.
I will go back to reading the posts once again. I just had to come on and tell you that so many people care about you, and want you to make it through this.
Mary, you will be o'kay. It's o'kay, really. Just let him go....
Sincerely, Elizebeth
Please don't tell him that you found his sh*t and flushed it down the toilet.
If he has belittled and hit you before , what you have done with his s**t could anger him, and you might be in for it again.
He sounds so unpredictable.
I have read your other posts, and this guy hasn't treated you very well to say the least.
He has threatened you. I think that you know that you need to stay away from him.
Let him move away, you don't need his help if you are ever in "trouble".
Yes, you could have gotten in alot of trouble if the cops had found that in your posession, I'm glad you found it and got rid of it.
Mary you said "....and how could someone who "loves" you put you in danger like that to save his own skin and all the lies he has told to family friends lawyers me etc about his innocence and going to meetings and telling the people there he hasn't used in 2 years and of course having unprotected sex with me and lying about his using..."
Look at this sentence...there is so much heartbreak, and hurt, and deciet,...and this is just a small part of what you have endured with him...
To me, it doesn't sound like he loves you.... people in love don't treat each other in this way...ever.
Maybe you were just convienent to him.
Breaking up is not easy when you love someone. You have done all you can to make this relationship work.
This has been a one-sided relationship, with only you trying.
Mary, you are worth so much more than to be treated like this.
I know of the feelings of panic, and loss when your love leaves you, like he did.
I know of the feelings of worthlessness, and the thoughts of ending it all too.
Mary you have almost made it through. I always say the breaking point is the 6 week mark. You can do this.
There is love after such a devastating relationship. There is someone out there who is looking for you, to love,..if you want.
Someone who loves, and appreciates you for you.
You need to know that you are worthwhile, and what you have lived through is not normal, he treated you very badly.
You are special , and deserve to be treated like a princess.
You must be exhausted from enduring such a trying relationship.
I'm thanking God that you are walking away with your life from this guy.
Take some time for yourself. Love yourself. Treat yourself with respect.
You are so worth it my sister.
I will go back to reading the posts once again. I just had to come on and tell you that so many people care about you, and want you to make it through this.
Mary, you will be o'kay. It's o'kay, really. Just let him go....
Sincerely, Elizebeth
Dear Rosie and Elizabeth,
Thank you for your kind reponses.....wasn't too sure if i should post on this Recovery Board anymore cause it seems kind of cliquey..regulars responding only to other regulars' posts and myself not being a heroin addict leads me to believe that i ain't part of the syr"in"ge crowd....okay i am a recovering alcoholic with over seventeen years clean and perhaps i should be posting on the Alcohol Recovery Board but my problem is with a heroin addicted bf so that is what led me to post here in the first place....
I know the above sarcasm will not be appreciated by the "regulars" but i guess i am just hurting right now and who better to help me understand the nature of a heroin addict but other heroin addicts......
Anyway i did write that old bf about what i had found and that i flushed it down the toilet....this will further prevent any contact from him as he knows his stash was trashed....maybe he forgot it was here but what drug dealing addict would forget about 100 bucks worth of that junk ?
I know there are a lot of "good" people who are afflicted by their heroin addictions....but i am coming to realize that my bf is just a heroin addict/dealer afflicted by his "pond scum" personality....and if he wants to come and bump me off cause i got rid of his "one true love" besides himself then bring it on......might against right...i will probably lose (my life) but it sure felt victorious flushing that garbage down the toilet...
Thank you once again to Rosie Elizabeth Angie SA and all the others that have responed to my various posts over these past dark months.....okay i will now turn the microphone back to the "regulars".....
love MARY
Thank you for your kind reponses.....wasn't too sure if i should post on this Recovery Board anymore cause it seems kind of cliquey..regulars responding only to other regulars' posts and myself not being a heroin addict leads me to believe that i ain't part of the syr"in"ge crowd....okay i am a recovering alcoholic with over seventeen years clean and perhaps i should be posting on the Alcohol Recovery Board but my problem is with a heroin addicted bf so that is what led me to post here in the first place....
I know the above sarcasm will not be appreciated by the "regulars" but i guess i am just hurting right now and who better to help me understand the nature of a heroin addict but other heroin addicts......
Anyway i did write that old bf about what i had found and that i flushed it down the toilet....this will further prevent any contact from him as he knows his stash was trashed....maybe he forgot it was here but what drug dealing addict would forget about 100 bucks worth of that junk ?
I know there are a lot of "good" people who are afflicted by their heroin addictions....but i am coming to realize that my bf is just a heroin addict/dealer afflicted by his "pond scum" personality....and if he wants to come and bump me off cause i got rid of his "one true love" besides himself then bring it on......might against right...i will probably lose (my life) but it sure felt victorious flushing that garbage down the toilet...
Thank you once again to Rosie Elizabeth Angie SA and all the others that have responed to my various posts over these past dark months.....okay i will now turn the microphone back to the "regulars".....
love MARY
Mary
I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through with your ex - he sounds like a nasty piece of work and I'm sorry you had the misfortune to end up with - noone deserves to be used and abused like you were.
The one thing I will say is your thing about the so-called regulars. I try to respond to people as and when I can, I've not been around much lately due to some personal issues but I don't not reply to people just because I haven't spoken to them before. Also I am not part of the sy*ringe crowd as I don't inject - nor do a few of the addicts on here.
Please don't push the regular help away - some of the people on here have so much intelligence and wise words to offer, don't hate us cos we too are addicts.
L
x
I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through with your ex - he sounds like a nasty piece of work and I'm sorry you had the misfortune to end up with - noone deserves to be used and abused like you were.
The one thing I will say is your thing about the so-called regulars. I try to respond to people as and when I can, I've not been around much lately due to some personal issues but I don't not reply to people just because I haven't spoken to them before. Also I am not part of the sy*ringe crowd as I don't inject - nor do a few of the addicts on here.
Please don't push the regular help away - some of the people on here have so much intelligence and wise words to offer, don't hate us cos we too are addicts.
L
x
Mary-
I think it great that you are standing up for your rights and not allowing your bf to treat you badly anymore. It may be hard now, but things will get better, which is more than you can say about when you were with him.
Please be careful, though. It is great that you were strong enough to dump the H, but he will most likely be VERY mad when he finds out, especially considering his history of violence. He probably was really high and forgot where he put it so please make sure you're safe. My advice: change your phone number, change your locks (better yet, move away!) and start your life over without him. You are a very strong woman and you deserve so much better and you will find it once you start rebuliding your life. Please have faith in yourself and in God.
I think it great that you are standing up for your rights and not allowing your bf to treat you badly anymore. It may be hard now, but things will get better, which is more than you can say about when you were with him.
Please be careful, though. It is great that you were strong enough to dump the H, but he will most likely be VERY mad when he finds out, especially considering his history of violence. He probably was really high and forgot where he put it so please make sure you're safe. My advice: change your phone number, change your locks (better yet, move away!) and start your life over without him. You are a very strong woman and you deserve so much better and you will find it once you start rebuliding your life. Please have faith in yourself and in God.
Dear Laulau and Onyx,
Right off the bat i must address this to Laulau regarding her closing sentence asking that i not hate the posters here cause they are addicts....HELLO !? did you hear me when i said that i was a recovering addict as well....alcohol as opposed to heroin but an addiction all the same....Geez when i used to watch the bf all hopped up....annoyed that it took him 10 minutes to get a fork from the kitchen drawer as he had to spend those 10 minutes scratching himself first before selecting the fork...i remembered too the times when i was actively drinking (when i wasn't in a blackout that is) peeing on myself and throwing up on a crowded subway....so trust me why would i hate an addict when i am one myself....in recovery that is 17yrs 3 mos plus....
They say every cloud has a silver lining and perhaps there was something positive in finding the bf's stash....too bad he doesn't come up positive at his probationary urine drops so they would send him to prison where he belongs....but i digress
When he first gave me the boot over 7 weeks ago i was a self destructive puddle of human tears....overdosing on my medication and cutting myself....kneeling on the floor...praying to the silent phone to deliver me from this state of loveless loneliness !!! In the 6th week of my emotional hell he calls twice and yet i didn't pick up the phone and tells me that he is moving but he will always be there for me in time of trouble....and to write....and boy was i tempted but a little voice inside said "no"....it is a trap and MARY you better not take the bait !!!
Then i find his stash behind the stereo center in the living room and suddenly i was delivered from my hours of darkness....tho i could have spent 1 to 5 in a cell of darkness if the cops had found it instead !!
Proof positive that he is nothing but a lowlife dope dealing addicted "junky"....i believe that there is a difference between an addict who is just dope sick as opposed to a "junky" who is just sick...and twisted...
All the verbal and physical abuse i had suffered from this man just so he could perpetuate the lie and protect his drug habit and dealings.....and dear readers i knew the whole time that he was lying and suffered the abuse at his hands while they tried to strangle the life from my body and me having over 17 years clean in recovery....dying at the hands of a monstrous "junky"....
So my Higher Power put that stash of his in my way to let me see the seriousness of the situation and deliver me from out under the spell of that seductive serpentine bf who won't blink an eye about my flushing his dope....he could have actually stopped now that he is on probation and would have no need for it.....but he will never acknowledge or apologize just as the times he would hit me...... for his actions and that is why i am doubtful he has turned his life around now that he is on probation cause the first step to recovery is admitting to ourselves and others our wrongs and that dude is never wrong...oh well he is another woman's responsibility now..
Love to all MARY
Right off the bat i must address this to Laulau regarding her closing sentence asking that i not hate the posters here cause they are addicts....HELLO !? did you hear me when i said that i was a recovering addict as well....alcohol as opposed to heroin but an addiction all the same....Geez when i used to watch the bf all hopped up....annoyed that it took him 10 minutes to get a fork from the kitchen drawer as he had to spend those 10 minutes scratching himself first before selecting the fork...i remembered too the times when i was actively drinking (when i wasn't in a blackout that is) peeing on myself and throwing up on a crowded subway....so trust me why would i hate an addict when i am one myself....in recovery that is 17yrs 3 mos plus....
They say every cloud has a silver lining and perhaps there was something positive in finding the bf's stash....too bad he doesn't come up positive at his probationary urine drops so they would send him to prison where he belongs....but i digress
When he first gave me the boot over 7 weeks ago i was a self destructive puddle of human tears....overdosing on my medication and cutting myself....kneeling on the floor...praying to the silent phone to deliver me from this state of loveless loneliness !!! In the 6th week of my emotional hell he calls twice and yet i didn't pick up the phone and tells me that he is moving but he will always be there for me in time of trouble....and to write....and boy was i tempted but a little voice inside said "no"....it is a trap and MARY you better not take the bait !!!
Then i find his stash behind the stereo center in the living room and suddenly i was delivered from my hours of darkness....tho i could have spent 1 to 5 in a cell of darkness if the cops had found it instead !!
Proof positive that he is nothing but a lowlife dope dealing addicted "junky"....i believe that there is a difference between an addict who is just dope sick as opposed to a "junky" who is just sick...and twisted...
All the verbal and physical abuse i had suffered from this man just so he could perpetuate the lie and protect his drug habit and dealings.....and dear readers i knew the whole time that he was lying and suffered the abuse at his hands while they tried to strangle the life from my body and me having over 17 years clean in recovery....dying at the hands of a monstrous "junky"....
So my Higher Power put that stash of his in my way to let me see the seriousness of the situation and deliver me from out under the spell of that seductive serpentine bf who won't blink an eye about my flushing his dope....he could have actually stopped now that he is on probation and would have no need for it.....but he will never acknowledge or apologize just as the times he would hit me...... for his actions and that is why i am doubtful he has turned his life around now that he is on probation cause the first step to recovery is admitting to ourselves and others our wrongs and that dude is never wrong...oh well he is another woman's responsibility now..
Love to all MARY
Hi Mary Onyx
Onyx is so right Mary - be very careful, the majority of addicts I know are nice, kind people who have just got swept up in this stupid messed up addiction - however one or two have been known to get nasty to get what they want - mugging people, robbing houses - one even strangled a shop-keeper until he passed out JUST to get money from his till. I don't understand how people end up doing these things cos even tho' being dope sick is horrible (truly rotten - was there last night) it isn't bad enough to make me go out and hold a knife to someones throat to satisfy myself or my craving BUT for some people they just see it as a means to an end and when your boyf is low, can't get gear and has no way to get money, he may turn his rage to you for getting rid of his stash and do whatever it takes to make him feel better. He scares me just the sound of him and that he has been physical with you before. Please be careful.
Also I meant don't hate heroin addicts - just your comment about not being part of the syr*inge crowd - sounded very down on heroin addicts. Wouldn't comment on the alcohol page about a load of p*ss heads for example.
L
Onyx is so right Mary - be very careful, the majority of addicts I know are nice, kind people who have just got swept up in this stupid messed up addiction - however one or two have been known to get nasty to get what they want - mugging people, robbing houses - one even strangled a shop-keeper until he passed out JUST to get money from his till. I don't understand how people end up doing these things cos even tho' being dope sick is horrible (truly rotten - was there last night) it isn't bad enough to make me go out and hold a knife to someones throat to satisfy myself or my craving BUT for some people they just see it as a means to an end and when your boyf is low, can't get gear and has no way to get money, he may turn his rage to you for getting rid of his stash and do whatever it takes to make him feel better. He scares me just the sound of him and that he has been physical with you before. Please be careful.
Also I meant don't hate heroin addicts - just your comment about not being part of the syr*inge crowd - sounded very down on heroin addicts. Wouldn't comment on the alcohol page about a load of p*ss heads for example.
L
Dear laulau and others,
Just wanted to apologize if i sounded a bit sarcastic in my recent posts....sometimes when you don't have the object of your wrath in front of you...you tend to strike out at others in general and most likely they are the ones that have shown the most love and support as many of you have in your replies to my current plight with the bf....no ex-bf
Even if i had the bf in front of me (which i am beginning to realize would be a very dangerous situation to be in) he'd totally ignore me and somehow explain away my recent finding of his stash as if it just magically appeared in my apartment and wasn't his and still maintain that he has been heroin free for 2 years and innocent of those drug trafficking charges....not to mention trying to pull off a right cross punch if i got too mouthy in what a lying S.O.B. he is
I saw my counselor yesterday and she suggested my making a anonymous tip to his probation officer about the possiblity of his still using and dealing....not a good idea....The bf would know who made it and God forbid there is anything more hidden in the apartment he could always alert the police to search here and pin his personal drug supply on me....
I know he received that letter by now about my alerting him to the fact of what i had found and how i had flushed it and asking him how could he live with himself knowing that he has been lying to family friends and the people at the required recovery meetings hes to go to about his being clean for 2 years....
I haven't heard a peep from him....maybe part of me was expecting some kind of apology from him but he is probably laughing at me and concentrating on his next hit or deal......now i know why he broke the silence of 6 weeks or so to make a point of telling me where he was moving to and that he would always be there for me no matter what....he probably was looking for a way to come over here to pick up what he had left and then disappear back into the void of nothingness....
I keep hoping that there is still a scrap of humanity left in him despite his addiction....all of you that post here whether using or in recovery still are caring concerned individuals that are willing to apologize and admit their mistakes to those they have hurt....
Most of you are still pretty young and maybe that is why you are stronger in fighting or at least trying your heroin addiction....the bf was younger than you when he started his but if he is 51 and still using maybe it has become such a part of his life overall and he has lost so much because of it that he just has given up and given in to how many few years he has left...the fact that he is still alive is rather astonishing.....if only he had used that survival strength for good instead of evil he would have done quite well for himself...he is bright and rather personable but having 5 felonies and a lot of prison time have closed many doors of opportunity to him....maybe being a dope dealer makes him feel important somehow....i dunno
Sorry this is a long post....i am just so angry sad and feel like a fool...and as far as revenge....i am no match for him so i guess i will just turn the bf's fate over to the hands of God but it seems that God lately just looks the other way and lets the bf keep doing his evil stuff while someone like me who has over 17 yrs clean could have almost gone to jail for drugs in my apartment that don't belong to me or that i have never done in my life...
Show me the light God....
love to all MARY
Just wanted to apologize if i sounded a bit sarcastic in my recent posts....sometimes when you don't have the object of your wrath in front of you...you tend to strike out at others in general and most likely they are the ones that have shown the most love and support as many of you have in your replies to my current plight with the bf....no ex-bf
Even if i had the bf in front of me (which i am beginning to realize would be a very dangerous situation to be in) he'd totally ignore me and somehow explain away my recent finding of his stash as if it just magically appeared in my apartment and wasn't his and still maintain that he has been heroin free for 2 years and innocent of those drug trafficking charges....not to mention trying to pull off a right cross punch if i got too mouthy in what a lying S.O.B. he is
I saw my counselor yesterday and she suggested my making a anonymous tip to his probation officer about the possiblity of his still using and dealing....not a good idea....The bf would know who made it and God forbid there is anything more hidden in the apartment he could always alert the police to search here and pin his personal drug supply on me....
I know he received that letter by now about my alerting him to the fact of what i had found and how i had flushed it and asking him how could he live with himself knowing that he has been lying to family friends and the people at the required recovery meetings hes to go to about his being clean for 2 years....
I haven't heard a peep from him....maybe part of me was expecting some kind of apology from him but he is probably laughing at me and concentrating on his next hit or deal......now i know why he broke the silence of 6 weeks or so to make a point of telling me where he was moving to and that he would always be there for me no matter what....he probably was looking for a way to come over here to pick up what he had left and then disappear back into the void of nothingness....
I keep hoping that there is still a scrap of humanity left in him despite his addiction....all of you that post here whether using or in recovery still are caring concerned individuals that are willing to apologize and admit their mistakes to those they have hurt....
Most of you are still pretty young and maybe that is why you are stronger in fighting or at least trying your heroin addiction....the bf was younger than you when he started his but if he is 51 and still using maybe it has become such a part of his life overall and he has lost so much because of it that he just has given up and given in to how many few years he has left...the fact that he is still alive is rather astonishing.....if only he had used that survival strength for good instead of evil he would have done quite well for himself...he is bright and rather personable but having 5 felonies and a lot of prison time have closed many doors of opportunity to him....maybe being a dope dealer makes him feel important somehow....i dunno
Sorry this is a long post....i am just so angry sad and feel like a fool...and as far as revenge....i am no match for him so i guess i will just turn the bf's fate over to the hands of God but it seems that God lately just looks the other way and lets the bf keep doing his evil stuff while someone like me who has over 17 yrs clean could have almost gone to jail for drugs in my apartment that don't belong to me or that i have never done in my life...
Show me the light God....
love to all MARY