Hi guys, haven't posted for a few days - been really hectic. First the the good news - I've got the keys to my new house (hurrah!). Then the bad news - apart from the new kitchen, and bathroom, which are beautiful, it needs masses of work to get it habitable, and I'm supposed to take over the tenancy on Jan 1st (boo!). I'm just not going to be able to get it ready in time. There's no running water in the kitchen, the lounge has wallpaper hanging off the walls, and some really choice graffiti - why do people feel the urge to write the word "c***" all over the walls of their home? I just ask, coz I've had plenty of urges to do daft things in my time, but never that particular one. They've only given me a key to the side door, so I can't even open my own front door. One bedroom is covered in obscene graffiti, and the other looks like a tramp with some strange decorating disorder has lived there - various types of wall paper, in every shade of psychodelia, hung at strange angles, then half ripped down again. The hall is pretty much the same. It's gonna be one hell of a job, which would be a challenge even if I wasn't 7 months pregnant. And I can't even go into the council and kick off, because they're all on their Xmas hols.
My boyfriend is kicking off, saying I can't live there coz it's such a mess, and I won't be able to do all the work myself. He's just being a pain in the arse coz despite all the hell he has put me through, he just doesn't want me to live there. But it's given him a lot of ammo to fire at me, and I've just not got any fight left in me. Things have been pretty nightmarish between us recently, with him seeming to be going through some sort of breakdown, out on the lash every night and taking it all out on me. I've told him that I just cannot cope with it, that I'm tired, and miserable, and just want to be left alone. We're just going round in the same old circles. He doesn't believe change is possible, whereas I know it is. So he'll just pick on me, being nasty, tearing me to shreds, then the next day say sorry for being such a prick, but by the night time he's doing it again. I've told him that I'm backed into a corner, I've got no choices left, other than to leave. I've told him that the bottom line is I have to survive, and sometimes life is sink or swim, and there's no point in trying to deliberate. I'm a survivor, so I'll swim. It's what I do, it's who I am. Life can be bad sometimes, but sitting there crying about it isn't going to help. What will help is hiring a wall paper stripper, rolling up my sleeves and getting stuck in. Yes, I know heavily pregnant women shouldn't be climbing ladders and doing hard physical work, but I don't happen to live in an ideal world, and I don't have the luxury of choice. He doesn't seem to realise that he's forced my hand. It's no good him pointing out the f***ing obvious to me now. It makes him feel bad to know that I'm in that position, but I can't have sympathy for the person who's hurt me so badly that I'm happier living in a total dump than staying in the relative comfort, but painfilled and insecure house I share with him.
It's all about choices. He gets narked at me when he somehow looks to me as if I can help him be a better person, and I just shrug my shoulders and tell him that I can't, I won't and I wouldn't even try. I didn't make him like that, he's not my responsibility, and I can't make him stop. He says he can't help himself. I say that's his choice. If he really wanted to, he would. You make bad choices, you live with the consequences. I learned that the hard way, and have no inclination to shield him from reality. I feel under a lot of pressure now, because I am slightly daunted by the task in front of me, and it's going to be really tough, going it alone, and I literally can't just get my stuff and move in, coz of the state of the place, so I'm stuck here with him putting constant pressure on me to turn it down, and we're going to have major ructions when I do start going up there to make a start on all the work. I hate all the fighting. I guess it's just like any other hard thing that I've wanted to achieve. You don't get there by procrastinating, You get there by putting one foot in front of the other and not stopping till it's done. No matter how hard, the only way out is through. There's no skirting the issue. Sometimes I forget I'm my own person, and I can do what I like and don't actually need permission. I feel like Haforn, as she made her struggle to exist, creating herself from the land of Ice and Fire (for those of you who've read The Stonor Eagles, which I doubt is very many!) The doom is chasing me, but I have the will to survive.
love you all and happy Xmas
Diff xxxxx
Diff, I haven't talked to you very much but your posts to me have always been strong, no bull$%#%, hard truths. And that's what I needed to hear. Now, I'm happy to see that you're giving yourself the same advice. I wish I was there. I would certainly help you. I'm pretty handy at wall-papering. You can do whatever you set your mind to. When you're done, the house will mean that much more to you because you've worked so hard for it! What a sense of acclomplishment you'll have!!! I bet if yoy ask around, there are friends out there who would be willing to help. And maybe even put you up for awhile. You need to be at peace right now. (for the baby and for you) Merry Christmas, Diff. Just think, in 2007, you'll have a new family and a new home. Everything will work out. You'll see.
Peace,
Shirley
Peace,
Shirley
Merry Christmas Diff,
I echo Shirley...I wish I was there to give you a hand. Done some paperin' myself. Get yourself a hanger and stay off the ladders if you can. While it wouldn't be ideal, maybe you can do what's needed to make it habitable and do the finishing touches after your moved in. It all must seem so daunting, especially with him not giving you any peace. You and the baby both are hibernating and growing and getting ready to emerge into this life. You're almost there Diff. Hang on just a little longer.
My very best to you,
Beck
I echo Shirley...I wish I was there to give you a hand. Done some paperin' myself. Get yourself a hanger and stay off the ladders if you can. While it wouldn't be ideal, maybe you can do what's needed to make it habitable and do the finishing touches after your moved in. It all must seem so daunting, especially with him not giving you any peace. You and the baby both are hibernating and growing and getting ready to emerge into this life. You're almost there Diff. Hang on just a little longer.
My very best to you,
Beck
Diff-
Im going to put all comments to the side & just wish you the best Chirstmas ever.
Not to offend anyone here- but you are really the most special person around- & I look foward to your words of wisdom as they come.
May you find much peace and love in the coming year
peace,love and respect
jack
Im going to put all comments to the side & just wish you the best Chirstmas ever.
Not to offend anyone here- but you are really the most special person around- & I look foward to your words of wisdom as they come.
May you find much peace and love in the coming year
peace,love and respect
jack
Momma if anyone can turn that place upside down it would be you.
Like Jack said you are one unique and special lady. Your baby will have the best mom ever, and as far as wallpaper I can tell ya I tried it once and wound up calling on the troops. That would be my dad and brother, and a male friend.
Mind ya I had a hubby, and he was even more impatient than me.
Diff, it's a New Year comming, and it's going to be a great one. You are so right. You can't make anyone a better person. He's got to do that himself.
Ya want I should come beat him up? LOL Nah, I'm taking me fish oil, and it works on the volitle Bryn so maybe I could just pull him by the ear.
You go, Diff. Ya got a place all your own, and to me that's fierce. Good for you.
Like Jack said you are one unique and special lady. Your baby will have the best mom ever, and as far as wallpaper I can tell ya I tried it once and wound up calling on the troops. That would be my dad and brother, and a male friend.
Mind ya I had a hubby, and he was even more impatient than me.
Diff, it's a New Year comming, and it's going to be a great one. You are so right. You can't make anyone a better person. He's got to do that himself.
Ya want I should come beat him up? LOL Nah, I'm taking me fish oil, and it works on the volitle Bryn so maybe I could just pull him by the ear.
You go, Diff. Ya got a place all your own, and to me that's fierce. Good for you.
Hi guys - hope you all had a great Xmas, and thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. I had a strange Xmas. Worked like a slave yesterday, making everything as festive as poss and putting on a good spread for Xmas dinner. Saw some of my boyfriends family and a few friends and it all felt strangely normal, talking to my boyfriends mam, and sitting about with friends, talking about normal stuff, everybody laughing and happy. Of course it couldn't stay like that all day, could it?
After everybody had gone home and it was just me and him, I was getting irritable coz I was tired and uncomfortable because of the baby. But apart from a few sharp words, no arguments (yet!). Then after the washing up had been done, I lay down with my head on his lap and put my arm round him. Then he saw the thing I'd been hiding from him. Before I discovered heroin, I used to self harm, quite badly, and have some nasty scars on my arms. But once heroin came along, I rarely felt the need to do it - why should I, when I had "novocaine for the soul"? But about 6 weeks ago, I was feeling so desperate and lonely, and just wanted to make it stop, make it go away, so I reverted to my old ways. Just once, but I always go too far, and what I had planned to be small shallow cuts that would heal quickly, turned out to be deep gashes that have left livid red scars. I'm used to hiding it, wearing long sleeves etc. But I just forgot for a moment, and he saw them.
Anyway, he flipped out on me, saying I was nuts, and didn't deserve our child. Even made threats to have the baby taken away from me when she's born. I was very hurt that he reacted like that. I didn't want him to know about it, but I thought that if he cared about me then he would try to understand, and be a little more kind. But then, I should know by now, shouldn't I? I should know what to expect. So I was very upset, coz it's something I feel very sensitive about, and very private about, and couldn't cope with him coming storming in and trampling over me, in an area where my skin is very thin.
I went to bed - he came in a couple of times to yell at me, but eventually left me alone. In the morning, he was still angry at me. He asked me how I would feel if it was the other way round, and it was him who had hurt himself, wouldn't I be angry. No, I replied, I'd be concerned, and I'd think that there was something drastically wrong, and think that he was deeply troubled, and hurting. Eventually he calmed down and said that I'd really frightened him. He said he knew he'd hurt me, but didn't know how bad it was, how unhappy he'd made me. Well. now he does, doesn't he? He asked me to promise him that I'd not do it again. So I did, coz I don't want to do it again. Maybe it's shocked him into realising how scared and alone I've been. Time will tell. I think something has changed. He asked me to come back to bed, to have a cuddle, and he kept looking at me, in a way he hasn't before, and actually kissed me like he meant it, which hasn't happened for a long long time. I've kept my soul hidden from him, and he got an accidental peek, and I think he found things there that scared the life out of him...
I'm not holding out for a miracle though...
So like I said, a strange Xmas.
love
Diff xxx
After everybody had gone home and it was just me and him, I was getting irritable coz I was tired and uncomfortable because of the baby. But apart from a few sharp words, no arguments (yet!). Then after the washing up had been done, I lay down with my head on his lap and put my arm round him. Then he saw the thing I'd been hiding from him. Before I discovered heroin, I used to self harm, quite badly, and have some nasty scars on my arms. But once heroin came along, I rarely felt the need to do it - why should I, when I had "novocaine for the soul"? But about 6 weeks ago, I was feeling so desperate and lonely, and just wanted to make it stop, make it go away, so I reverted to my old ways. Just once, but I always go too far, and what I had planned to be small shallow cuts that would heal quickly, turned out to be deep gashes that have left livid red scars. I'm used to hiding it, wearing long sleeves etc. But I just forgot for a moment, and he saw them.
Anyway, he flipped out on me, saying I was nuts, and didn't deserve our child. Even made threats to have the baby taken away from me when she's born. I was very hurt that he reacted like that. I didn't want him to know about it, but I thought that if he cared about me then he would try to understand, and be a little more kind. But then, I should know by now, shouldn't I? I should know what to expect. So I was very upset, coz it's something I feel very sensitive about, and very private about, and couldn't cope with him coming storming in and trampling over me, in an area where my skin is very thin.
I went to bed - he came in a couple of times to yell at me, but eventually left me alone. In the morning, he was still angry at me. He asked me how I would feel if it was the other way round, and it was him who had hurt himself, wouldn't I be angry. No, I replied, I'd be concerned, and I'd think that there was something drastically wrong, and think that he was deeply troubled, and hurting. Eventually he calmed down and said that I'd really frightened him. He said he knew he'd hurt me, but didn't know how bad it was, how unhappy he'd made me. Well. now he does, doesn't he? He asked me to promise him that I'd not do it again. So I did, coz I don't want to do it again. Maybe it's shocked him into realising how scared and alone I've been. Time will tell. I think something has changed. He asked me to come back to bed, to have a cuddle, and he kept looking at me, in a way he hasn't before, and actually kissed me like he meant it, which hasn't happened for a long long time. I've kept my soul hidden from him, and he got an accidental peek, and I think he found things there that scared the life out of him...
I'm not holding out for a miracle though...
So like I said, a strange Xmas.
love
Diff xxx
