I used to post here often in recovery. I was clean from 05/21/05 to 02/14/06, the longest stretch of sobriety in my life. As soon as my outpatient rehab was finished and I had no drug tests to worry about, I began using twice as hard to make up for lost time. I'm really not even on skid row. I have a job, go to school part time and pay bills, something most 26 year olds do. I keep saying to myself that I'm pretty much the same person sober as I am buzzed. But as I said in another post, something drastic must happen before I quit. I can never make a voluntary decision to give it up for a day or two. And that's all on me. I'm slowly learning that I'm in denial about my whole addiction. The same people I abandoned in recovery are back in my life. My one friend who blazes weed all day told me to "stay clean". Now what exactly does that mean? Clean? Is it clean for me to chain smoke two packs of cigarettes a day and drink copius amounts of coffee, eat whatever I want and say "I'm clean from drugs" I know what life is like sober. You save a lot of money and, of course, you feel more important. It's just so damn hard sometimes to pull off without help. I went back to my outpatient place and picked up an NA schedule, looked at it and said, "Maybe later in life I'll try this again, because I've pretty much mastered the art of deception for right now, so there's no need to even bother going". I know what I'm doing is wrong though. Last I checked, pot's still illegal where I live. I'd like to quit but have some serious reservations about the archaic belief of well... everything they preach at NA. The whole time at NA, I didn't know if I was finding God or just being really paranoid. But whatever it was, "it" kept me sober. I'm twisted. Part of me says it's only a matter of time before I get busted doing stupid s*** again. Another part of me says, "You know what, your relationship with drugs has reached a tipping point where you can manage your life just fine...your'e fine". I hope everyone here is following the chosen paths to happiness. I might just take me a little longer.
I don't think it matters how long you take. You can't force the issue if you aren't done with weed yet. When you are you will be able to leave it alone. It will happen sooner or later because you know it has to.
justin, i've been on and off this thing for so many years, but yesterday i was finally thinking i'm done with it for good. there is so much more to life than weed and it become all and everything and yes "living a lie" is a good way to put it, that is what being a pot head is. find a way to get off it, take your sobriety and run with it as fast as you can. look for an opportunity to get straight and when you find it, grab it and hold onto it hard.
