Hey, I don't expect many replies. I am just a fiance that can not get married. It started with pills than went to heroin for him. I am not a new person posting. I have been here for over 2 years and have educated myself very well. I know my guy wants to get help but I feel it is too big for him based on what he has says. I inherited money from my dad dying but it wasn't a lot and he owes me at least 5 k. We have an apartment but with what we both make this is silly. We should have a house. He is not there for me because he is asleep all the time. He is not a jerk like when he was on pills. he is just not him anymore. I am sad to see him become like this. I am also afraid for me because I need a life. We dont have sex. We dont go out. This is not the man I met. He keeps detoxing at him or he says he is going to a detox. He won't agree to long term treatment although money is not an issue because his parents will pay. He is 40 I am 34. We are not kids.
I love him but he doesn't come to bed, the intimacy is gone. I am wasting my childbearing years and literally drinking wine like crazy.
I want to leave so bad but I am still here. I feel paralyzed. I started therapy but he went away for a month.
I can't get my guy to come on this site. I want to know if you think I should feel guilty for leaving or what. I know common sense. I am not coming here and than never checking back.
I just don't know. Thinking of me is one thing but how do I put that when I have been such an enabler? How do I just leap? I need help.
Please don't blow me off.
Jen
I meant to say detoxing at home..not a fun thing.
My therapist went away for one month.
Jennifer
My therapist went away for one month.
Jennifer
Jen,
I just wrote you a long e mail about you know who. I want to respond to your thread (especially about the wine thing) but i know you resent my saying anything.....and as i stated in one of my former e mails to you...i might be caught up in my own s***t...but neither am i an insensitive boob to see the suffering of another...nor too ignorant to offer wise counsel in such matters..
Just wanted you to know that i still peruse the boards...to ascertain what is truly going on with you other than the safe neatly composed...'i won't let you come in' e mails you sporadically send my way....but i always know what the 'real deal' is with you anyway....hey i have been coming to these message boards over 2 years myself....and like myself i have seen many 'stuck' in the same pain and state of indecisiveness during those 2 years as well....
you are not 'living' with heroin (you don't use)
you are living with a heroin addict who is
choosing to live with heroin...and in the end
this is not a type of 'living' arrangement for either
of you at all....there is no life here..only occupied
space....and heroin is the landlord
love MARY
I just wrote you a long e mail about you know who. I want to respond to your thread (especially about the wine thing) but i know you resent my saying anything.....and as i stated in one of my former e mails to you...i might be caught up in my own s***t...but neither am i an insensitive boob to see the suffering of another...nor too ignorant to offer wise counsel in such matters..
Just wanted you to know that i still peruse the boards...to ascertain what is truly going on with you other than the safe neatly composed...'i won't let you come in' e mails you sporadically send my way....but i always know what the 'real deal' is with you anyway....hey i have been coming to these message boards over 2 years myself....and like myself i have seen many 'stuck' in the same pain and state of indecisiveness during those 2 years as well....
you are not 'living' with heroin (you don't use)
you are living with a heroin addict who is
choosing to live with heroin...and in the end
this is not a type of 'living' arrangement for either
of you at all....there is no life here..only occupied
space....and heroin is the landlord
love MARY
As you said yer missing out on yer childbearing years&obviousley your relationship is more or less over.Take that leap...for you.Take care ...Davey
Dear jen,
let's get one thing straight here,
YOU ARE NOT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN.
HE IS HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH HEROIN.
And if he owes you 5000, let me say that again, 5000, you are most definately enabling his habit, and protecting himfrom the consequences of his actions.
From the days when I had a very bad habit with needles, crack and heroin, I can remember how muddled my head was, and that some of the only messages that got through were the ones that were from people that I loved and /or respected when they said to me that they would not tolerate my behaviour in any way shape or form. SO, you don't say how long this has actually been going on, But if you have been giving him chance after chance, then the BEST thing you can do is to tell him to leave. Or you must leave him. Because there is one other thing you MUST understand and that is YOU CAN NOT MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HIM. He is the only person who can make that decision that it has gone on too long and wants to change things.
I know that the catalysing incident for me to stop was when the people I was living with took actions to evict me, and it was that incident that finally broke it's way through the fog of my drug psychosis and made me realise that I really did need to do something. And I did. But it wasn't until I was evicted that it got through.
As I mentioned earlier it seem that you are actually making things worse. By giving him money. Do him a favour and let him know that his behaviour is so bad that you can not take it any more. And if he does love you, he MAY actually do something. ANd if he doesn't then, well you've waisted a few years. But atleast you won't waist any more.
Do your self and him a favour.
Love Julius
let's get one thing straight here,
YOU ARE NOT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN.
HE IS HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH HEROIN.
And if he owes you 5000, let me say that again, 5000, you are most definately enabling his habit, and protecting himfrom the consequences of his actions.
From the days when I had a very bad habit with needles, crack and heroin, I can remember how muddled my head was, and that some of the only messages that got through were the ones that were from people that I loved and /or respected when they said to me that they would not tolerate my behaviour in any way shape or form. SO, you don't say how long this has actually been going on, But if you have been giving him chance after chance, then the BEST thing you can do is to tell him to leave. Or you must leave him. Because there is one other thing you MUST understand and that is YOU CAN NOT MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HIM. He is the only person who can make that decision that it has gone on too long and wants to change things.
I know that the catalysing incident for me to stop was when the people I was living with took actions to evict me, and it was that incident that finally broke it's way through the fog of my drug psychosis and made me realise that I really did need to do something. And I did. But it wasn't until I was evicted that it got through.
As I mentioned earlier it seem that you are actually making things worse. By giving him money. Do him a favour and let him know that his behaviour is so bad that you can not take it any more. And if he does love you, he MAY actually do something. ANd if he doesn't then, well you've waisted a few years. But atleast you won't waist any more.
Do your self and him a favour.
Love Julius
There is never to be guilt and shame in taking care of yourself, living how you wish to live, following your dreams, desires.....
This is your life, no one else's, yes you had this relationship with "him" but he isn't there emotionally or physically. You don't win any awards staying and giving up you, you just lose bits and pieces of you, and you lose time.
Time so important to me you know that more then anyone else. Time is a blessing, it is a gift, our time is always to short, even if life grace's us until we are old as dirt, it is still to short to miss anything as there is to much to see and do, so much we can never even possible experience it all. But we sure as hell can try, for us......
I know some of what you want, find it for you. You know the door is always open here, and always will be. And you don't even need that, you have the means and the independence to walk at anytime.
I know you are past somethings in this relationship, and know you wish for him, not an "us" thing that he find his way. But it is up to him to get there and being there or not being there isn't going to make him get it faster or fall farther in. To many around him cut him slack, make things pretty, he should have hit his bottom a long time ago but work ignores, his family makes it neat and pretty and this isn't helping. I am sorry but his mom will be his biggest killer, maybe more so then the heroin he uses. The on and off game a dangerous one, and his health he doesn't care about as well, nothing he cares for except the heroin...nothing.
Let it go, find you in your life and live how you want ( not what others try to guilt you into) He is a big boy and more then capable of taking care of himself.
Pray for him, that is all you can ever do.....I do, as well as you.
I love yah sweetie, hang in there and know I am always here, always, no matter what.
Love,
Tina
This is your life, no one else's, yes you had this relationship with "him" but he isn't there emotionally or physically. You don't win any awards staying and giving up you, you just lose bits and pieces of you, and you lose time.
Time so important to me you know that more then anyone else. Time is a blessing, it is a gift, our time is always to short, even if life grace's us until we are old as dirt, it is still to short to miss anything as there is to much to see and do, so much we can never even possible experience it all. But we sure as hell can try, for us......
I know some of what you want, find it for you. You know the door is always open here, and always will be. And you don't even need that, you have the means and the independence to walk at anytime.
I know you are past somethings in this relationship, and know you wish for him, not an "us" thing that he find his way. But it is up to him to get there and being there or not being there isn't going to make him get it faster or fall farther in. To many around him cut him slack, make things pretty, he should have hit his bottom a long time ago but work ignores, his family makes it neat and pretty and this isn't helping. I am sorry but his mom will be his biggest killer, maybe more so then the heroin he uses. The on and off game a dangerous one, and his health he doesn't care about as well, nothing he cares for except the heroin...nothing.
Let it go, find you in your life and live how you want ( not what others try to guilt you into) He is a big boy and more then capable of taking care of himself.
Pray for him, that is all you can ever do.....I do, as well as you.
I love yah sweetie, hang in there and know I am always here, always, no matter what.
Love,
Tina
I agree with Tina. Time is a very precious thing to waste. He isn't going to get better with work and family covering up.
What about you? What do you want? Why don't you figure out what it is you want to do..and then go.
He isn't going to change until it hurts worse to use than to stay clean. He isn't at that point, and with the family helping, that point isn't going to come any time soon. If it ever does, you will have wasted so much
time. Time
that you can't get back. I wasted my youth on a schmuck. Don't make the same mistake.
What about you? What do you want? Why don't you figure out what it is you want to do..and then go.
He isn't going to change until it hurts worse to use than to stay clean. He isn't at that point, and with the family helping, that point isn't going to come any time soon. If it ever does, you will have wasted so much
time. Time
that you can't get back. I wasted my youth on a schmuck. Don't make the same mistake.
Thank you all. Last night I witnessed him outside in the car with his drugs. He stopped bringing them in the house after my cat died. I think he secretly thinks my cat got into his stuff but she didn't. I can't explain why he would stop bringing it in besides that because I have been telling him to keep it out of the house for 2 years now.
Anyway, last night and the loss of my pet ( long time pet that I have had since my early twenties) woke me up to time and life and how easily we can lose it. I am sad for him because I don't want him to die and I know I can't stop him. I gave up lecturing him over a year ago. His mom says I should be more encouraging, do more around the house, cook more, clean more, Etc. I told her that it doesn't matter how many meatballs I make or how pretty the house looks he is going to either get better or worse because of his own doing. I can't stop this from progressing by being here. So last night I got freaked. I was shaking watching him out in the car setting up his situation and it hit me hard. I knew how badly I had to get out.
So, I called the mortgage guy and we are going to look into me finding a condo or what it will take to get me into a position to do so. I told my boyfriend that I am not long for this relationship/living situation because it is killing me. He says, I told you not to worry! Hello, this is not something I can control. I will worry after I am gone. I just want to wake up in a place where I am in control over my life.
I think I am going to do that for both of us. I hope he gets better but I am not helping him. My being here is allowing him to have stability and you are right it is making it worse.
I don't resent him so much or take this disease personally. What I do take personally is how I am letting it change me into someone who runs and hides from life and protects him from facing his own problems. I just hope my plan works because I have to get strong.
J
Anyway, last night and the loss of my pet ( long time pet that I have had since my early twenties) woke me up to time and life and how easily we can lose it. I am sad for him because I don't want him to die and I know I can't stop him. I gave up lecturing him over a year ago. His mom says I should be more encouraging, do more around the house, cook more, clean more, Etc. I told her that it doesn't matter how many meatballs I make or how pretty the house looks he is going to either get better or worse because of his own doing. I can't stop this from progressing by being here. So last night I got freaked. I was shaking watching him out in the car setting up his situation and it hit me hard. I knew how badly I had to get out.
So, I called the mortgage guy and we are going to look into me finding a condo or what it will take to get me into a position to do so. I told my boyfriend that I am not long for this relationship/living situation because it is killing me. He says, I told you not to worry! Hello, this is not something I can control. I will worry after I am gone. I just want to wake up in a place where I am in control over my life.
I think I am going to do that for both of us. I hope he gets better but I am not helping him. My being here is allowing him to have stability and you are right it is making it worse.
I don't resent him so much or take this disease personally. What I do take personally is how I am letting it change me into someone who runs and hides from life and protects him from facing his own problems. I just hope my plan works because I have to get strong.
J
mary, all I can say to use is that yes I am living with heroin even though I do not do it. Stuck is a good word but all of us are stuck in some way and my goal in posting is to get me unstuck. I wish the best for my friend/former lover/boyfriend. I would not want to be in his situation and I am afraid for him. I can only change me and that is my course of action.
Love,
Jen
Love,
Jen
" I think he secretly thinks my cat got into his stuff but she didn't. I can't explain why he..."
Jen,
I always wondered why my ex bf hated cats in particular...he must have caught one of them using his 'works' and that is probably how he got Hep C..
of course dearie you know i am only kidding ya....sometimes things look so bleak you just gotta look for a little humor through it all...yeah...and i know about the part about putting on the apron and wearing the June Cleaver string of pearls while wondering if we cooked enough meatballs for the 'meatball'....that didn't work in trying to divert their attention from the big 'H' and even Victoria Secret can't compete with that Heroin Hussy...
sounds like you are heading in the right direction..
as in 'out the door'.....love ya MARY
P.S. you know i am a recovering alcoholic with 19 years 3 months clean..anyhoo...back in the day when i was actively drinking.....i never once smelled vodka on my cat Petunia's breath...but i never could figure out where most of the booze had gone the following morning....of course it wasn't ME...typical delusional addictive thinking....MEOW
Jen,
I always wondered why my ex bf hated cats in particular...he must have caught one of them using his 'works' and that is probably how he got Hep C..
of course dearie you know i am only kidding ya....sometimes things look so bleak you just gotta look for a little humor through it all...yeah...and i know about the part about putting on the apron and wearing the June Cleaver string of pearls while wondering if we cooked enough meatballs for the 'meatball'....that didn't work in trying to divert their attention from the big 'H' and even Victoria Secret can't compete with that Heroin Hussy...
sounds like you are heading in the right direction..
as in 'out the door'.....love ya MARY
P.S. you know i am a recovering alcoholic with 19 years 3 months clean..anyhoo...back in the day when i was actively drinking.....i never once smelled vodka on my cat Petunia's breath...but i never could figure out where most of the booze had gone the following morning....of course it wasn't ME...typical delusional addictive thinking....MEOW
Jennifer Lee, Hey! I don't think we've talked before but I've been following your posts. I'm a recovering Heroin addict and I can tell u alittle about your b.f.,s feelings. A addict has no feelings. (not for other people, anyway) After u use for awhile, u can't think of anything but your next fix.Non-addicts think that's an exxageration but it's most certainly NOT. You literally think of drugs 24/7. I'm sure your b.f. loves u but right now, I bet every time he talks to u, he's thinking,"what do I need to say to get what I want?" I used my mother, my husband, all my friends. I used everybody. I used to have my "H" dealer come over and talk to my mom and distract her long enough for me to get in her purse for my dope money. Mom'''''''s gone now and there's not a day goes by that I don't think about that. And I hate myself for it. But at the time, All I cared about was the Heroin. You're not doing your b.f. any good by loaning him money. And u cannot have a relationship with an addict. Like everybody else says,"He's already got an old lady." She's a 300 lb. gorilla and she's on his back. I just broke it off with my husband of 16 yrs. It's toigh but I feel free and I feel capable. I never did when I was with him. It takes time but u might be better off without him for awhile. Peace, Shirley
Do Heroin Addicts have feelings for other Heroin Addicts?
They seem to push family friends and loved ones aside as if they were nothing...almost holding them in contempt..for not being addicted as well...but it seems Heroin addicts will go out of their way to protect the identity of their fellow users...giving them all of their time and loyalty and protection from we 'evil' straight people.
I noticed that however when the s**t goes down and John Law steps in that a Heroin addict's beloved using buddy is nowhere to be seen resulting in the addict coming back to the 'evil' straight people to help bail them out.
So why does an addict repeatedly hold another addict in such high esteem knowing full well that he will sell him out in a heart beat and leave him twisting in the wind...don't addicts ever get tired of the lies that they tell other addicts besides the lies they tell the people that really care about them..
just tired of the same old game
MARY
Hi Jen -
It sounds like you are pretty much in exactly the same position as me. I normally post on the Families board but sometimes I have a look around here in an attempt to understand better what I am up against.
I have been with my heroin addict BF for 1 year. I am trying to find the courage to leave him because I want my life back. I deserve better. And in a wierd way, so does he. I have become a nagging, screaming, miserable, crying shadow of myself and it's not what he needs either. He's tried the home detox a few times but always goes back. He refuses treatment.
I pray that we both get the courage to persevere with what we know is right and reclaim our lives for ourselves...
Tigerlily
It sounds like you are pretty much in exactly the same position as me. I normally post on the Families board but sometimes I have a look around here in an attempt to understand better what I am up against.
I have been with my heroin addict BF for 1 year. I am trying to find the courage to leave him because I want my life back. I deserve better. And in a wierd way, so does he. I have become a nagging, screaming, miserable, crying shadow of myself and it's not what he needs either. He's tried the home detox a few times but always goes back. He refuses treatment.
I pray that we both get the courage to persevere with what we know is right and reclaim our lives for ourselves...
Tigerlily
