I have found such comfort reading this message board. I printed out all the previous posts and sat and read all of them and couldnt believe how many others like me are out there. My Bf and I have been together for 2 years.In the beginning things were great. I had been with him for a few months when I found out he was doing cocaine. It never changed him and he wasnt taking everyday so I shrugged it off as being nothing. 2 years later I look back and can not believe what I have gotten myself into. From the Coke he turned to sniffing Herion(Smack) I didnt know the differance in appearance but I soon started seeing his behaviour changing drastically. I would go to his house and his parents would scream about things he had stolen. I went to England where he joined me and was clean for a whole of 3 months. I got home from work one night to find him and all his stuff gone. He had flipped out and gone back to South Africa without so much as a note. When I returned we patched things up and he assured me he was clean. I believed him (Another mistake) only to catch him red handed. He has been to rehab before 3 times and run away each time. He runs to his friend and they have major binges where J(Bf) is convinced he is going to kill himself by Overdosing. I bought him a celphone for his birthday and he sold it for drugs I bought him sound for his car over christmas and he has just recently sold his car for next to nothing on another night he thought he would kill himself. I have always supprted him at my expense. He has been to jail for stealing from his parents.He has stolen a celphone from my best friend. He is now in another rehab. I have always told myself that if he loves me enough he will quit but I realise now that this is not the case.After the drugs he feels bad and we have no other problems at all in our relationship besides the distrust. I went to a councelling session at his current rehab and this women shed a lot of light on the subject. She told me never to make your addict feel sheltered, never let them feel comfortable and buy them things. You could be buying them a potential weapon by giving a celphone, car ect. She said that on the road to recovery you need to get away from being in a co-dependant relationship and instead be able to walk next to eachother. I have tried support,advice,comfort,anger,resentment,threats but none of these things work.He promises and lies and he acts fine. Please realise that you can never be too sure. Your addict is manipulative when he wants to get wasted and doesnt act themselves. Even on Heroin J manages to look completely normal sometimes and look me in the eyes and promise he is clean. I have bought him medication to quit twice and the second time it worked for the physical withdrawal. He was clean for 2 weeks and went straigh back to it. Its a mental addiction. Tough love is the only way for me now. J has been in rehab for 2 weeks and they tell me he has already tried to run away once again. His parents have committed him to rehab which is there last hope and his last chance. I love him with all my heart but know that I can not keep on this destructive cycle. If he runs this time I tell myself Ill walk.Its hard though and I miss him. I get upset when some of the councellors say that I dont really know him cause an addict is not himself while on drugs and he has been on drugs our entire relationship.I dont know anymore I cant even think straight cause i just dread that call from his rehab or his parents to tell me he is gone again or worse. I read another ladies post where she puts her robe on her bed post in case. It breaks my heart but I can sympathize.Someone give me some hope or something!
If you have read these posts you will know that the best hope right now is to save yourself! To take care of yourself and move on. You have to extract your self from this cycle and let him run his course...who knows if he comes right back to you but on other terms.
I have my doubts about whether you can really have a relationship with an addict - for 1 there is the whole turst issue - what I see on this board is that getting them to rehab and detoxed is only step one. It does nt end there. Then they come home and you live for a while in the fear of relapse - and again the trust thing...I mean they can be clean for 5 years and then one day relapse and let things get worse than they ever were. Then there is the knowing that you and your family and your life project arent number 1 to him - that in heart beat they would turn around and change it all in for that high. There will always be that skeleton in the closet to tip toe around.
I left my husband over 6 months ago - I havent really completely detached, otherwise i wouldnt be here and I still shudder EVERY time my phone rings. Last weekend I left my phone at work by mistake - it was the most relaxed I have been for the last year - I was powerless there was nothing I could do!
My secret wish though is that I wake up one morning and he is there waiting to tell lme how awful this last year has been, that he cant live without me and our son. That his love for us is so enormous that he has just been able to leave the drugs and everything behind. With every breath he has he will never put us through any of this again. He wraps us up in his great big arms and takes us home and we live happily ever after.
Its really starting to sink now...not bloody likely is it!
Moral of the story - it takes every fiber of our mental being and an enormous physical effort to let go. But what are the alternatives. While we stood by and took all the crap that came our way because we love them, because we cant bare to see them get sicker and in trouble with the law, and to watch them loose everything and everyone around them - did we help them? Did they want that help? Or did we prolongue their disease and let them tell themselves for that extra bit longer that they would were fine?
Sorry everyone....woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something.
Am making plans to move out of my parents and into my own house now within the next couple of months....it really just is hitting home that its ended for me now. That I have to have other dreams for myself and really let this whole thing flush itself out of my system, but part of me is still hoping.
Meanwhile....my husband continues to claim his use is recreational....the problem really is that he has alot of money....he is going through his 401K right now maybe when that is all gone....
I have my doubts about whether you can really have a relationship with an addict - for 1 there is the whole turst issue - what I see on this board is that getting them to rehab and detoxed is only step one. It does nt end there. Then they come home and you live for a while in the fear of relapse - and again the trust thing...I mean they can be clean for 5 years and then one day relapse and let things get worse than they ever were. Then there is the knowing that you and your family and your life project arent number 1 to him - that in heart beat they would turn around and change it all in for that high. There will always be that skeleton in the closet to tip toe around.
I left my husband over 6 months ago - I havent really completely detached, otherwise i wouldnt be here and I still shudder EVERY time my phone rings. Last weekend I left my phone at work by mistake - it was the most relaxed I have been for the last year - I was powerless there was nothing I could do!
My secret wish though is that I wake up one morning and he is there waiting to tell lme how awful this last year has been, that he cant live without me and our son. That his love for us is so enormous that he has just been able to leave the drugs and everything behind. With every breath he has he will never put us through any of this again. He wraps us up in his great big arms and takes us home and we live happily ever after.
Its really starting to sink now...not bloody likely is it!
Moral of the story - it takes every fiber of our mental being and an enormous physical effort to let go. But what are the alternatives. While we stood by and took all the crap that came our way because we love them, because we cant bare to see them get sicker and in trouble with the law, and to watch them loose everything and everyone around them - did we help them? Did they want that help? Or did we prolongue their disease and let them tell themselves for that extra bit longer that they would were fine?
Sorry everyone....woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something.
Am making plans to move out of my parents and into my own house now within the next couple of months....it really just is hitting home that its ended for me now. That I have to have other dreams for myself and really let this whole thing flush itself out of my system, but part of me is still hoping.
Meanwhile....my husband continues to claim his use is recreational....the problem really is that he has alot of money....he is going through his 401K right now maybe when that is all gone....
Hi!!!!
I read your post, could you please tell me what rehab your b/f is in?. Is it in the UK or South Africa?
My b/f is also an addict doc is heroin, little miss heroin and also has been to numerious rehabs in South Africa.
I would like to know which rehab it is, if I know then I can give you my story and my experience which turn could be of some help to you.
Rosie
I read your post, could you please tell me what rehab your b/f is in?. Is it in the UK or South Africa?
My b/f is also an addict doc is heroin, little miss heroin and also has been to numerious rehabs in South Africa.
I would like to know which rehab it is, if I know then I can give you my story and my experience which turn could be of some help to you.
Rosie
Hi again
I changed my login and added a pic but its me Janetta.
Well J is now currently in Houghton House and is in South Africa. He has only been there for about 2 weeks but it looks like it is going well. What about your boyfriend?Before Houghton he had spent time in Cresent Clinic (Ran away twice) and before that he had group outpatient councelling.Sometimes I honestly feel like I dont have any faith in this system anymore.
I changed my login and added a pic but its me Janetta.
Well J is now currently in Houghton House and is in South Africa. He has only been there for about 2 weeks but it looks like it is going well. What about your boyfriend?Before Houghton he had spent time in Cresent Clinic (Ran away twice) and before that he had group outpatient councelling.Sometimes I honestly feel like I dont have any faith in this system anymore.