Looking Through Old Photo Albums

That's what I did a couple of days ago. I came across my old senior picture. How things can change in almost 20 years! Well, I basically still look the same (except for the big hair -- I mean, it was the 80's!)

When I look at that picture, I can see how full of life and happiness I was. I had my whole life ahead of me. I had so many hopes and big dreams.

And I've pissed it all away up until now. What a waste.

I try to rationalize my behavior and lifestyle now by telling myself that surely even the most resilient and positive spirit will eventually be broken after years of being surrounded with constant criticism and negativity.

I want to be that girl again. Only wiser and more experienced.

I want that sparkle that used to be in my eyes. I'm posting the picture. It was taken shortly after I completed rehab. Can you see it in me? Is it possible to get it all back again?

user posted image
QUOTE
Is it possible to get it all back again?


No.
But it is possible to begin a whole new chapter that can be better than any past.
The choice will always be yours.
Good to see you Jodi.You are very pretty.
I've always known what a beautiful soul you are Jodi, inside and out. Tim's right, you can't go back but you can start over. Have you made a meeting? Please, give it a try, ok? Love, Lisa
Look how pretty you are.

Oh, the big hair and the Brooke Shields eyebrows we all had, right? I notice you're wearing the "drape". Remember they closed them with a clothespin?

You're wiser now. Starting a new is the best. All good things to you.
Jodi,what a beautiful smart looking woman you are! there is absolutely no doubt you can get that spark back,you still are that girl!!!You STILL are!

You can get all that back and more.Jodi,do what needs to be done,you know what they are,you know!!!!!! We're here to help as always!Do it Jodi~KIM
Jodi you need to pin that picture up and start your day off looking at it.

WOW---Of course you can get that sparkle back. It never left. You have jusrt been masking it with medications.

It never leaves us. All of us addicts were clean at one time in our lives. So of course you can get it back that sparkle and personality.

But you must make changes and start taking majjor actions. You mention you went to Rehab then you have the tools. Use them and go to meetings. You working? if No get a job.

Start living Jodi. Jodi I know what it its to be "LOW" so low as i would say the F-it --that was me each day F---evreything.

One day I got tired of the f-its.

Jodi recovery is not easy but any addict can acheive it. You know what you need to do.

Have a good night Jodi

Jeff
Jodi good to see you posting - wanted to share something that I heard at a meeting recently, from a man who is long term sober and has struggled not only with alcoholism and drugs but severe mental illness.

His message is this: The AA way of life is not the old life polished up, it is an entirely new way of life.

Reach for the future Jodi - not the past.

Idgie.

PS you have a beautiful smile.
Wow Jodi, you are VERY pretty. I think you can get that sparkle back. Someone suggested for you to put that picture up and look at it everyday. I think that is a great idea. Get motivated by looking at that picture. Take care.
Jodi,

The 80's were fabulous...I loved them. You are a doll....then and now! Look at that picture for inspiration. You are still her. You just need to uncover her again and feel the way she did!
One of the many things that sobriety has given me is the pleasure of remembering things about myself that I thought were long, long, long forgotten.

I am not the same person as before I began using, I am richer, more deeply layered, my fabric has many, many, many, different colored threads...but I remember some of the simple things about myself that are really treasures. Like tonight (actually this morning), walking up my drive, and smelling the wisteria, and the jasmine blooming...remembering when I planted those. Gardening for me then was a labor of love. Later, it became a labor, and one I would only attempt with a fever pitch pace brought on by tabs.

But I remember that girl that just planted things out of love for watching them grow.

I would never have been reintroduced to that if I was still using. It made me stop in my tracks and just breath...and smell, and thank God I am still alive, and clear.

When you get clean Jodi...you will just be adding another beautiful layer to the ones already there!

And, you are very beautiful!

Peace.

Sarah
Jodi,

When I was fourteen I read Eugene O'Neill's semi-autobiographical play, Long Day's Journey Into Night . It's one day in the life of a family -- father, two grown sons, a mother just out of rehab for her morphine addiction. By the last act, she thinks she's in her last year of high school while her sons try to get her to connect with them and give up the drugs before it's too late. Her older son has a considerable drinking problem himself.

It's one of my favorite works about dysfunctional families and I've re-read it many, many times, seen the play, the movies, etc. When I was at the end of my active addiction, the Tyrone family kept coming back to me. I realized I was becoming Mary Tyrone.

I spent years daydreaming that I was 23 again, just before I met Allan, just before I started dabbling. It was the drugs talking, telling me there was no future, only the past. You can't go backwards in time. The only way out is through. You're still that beautiful young girl, but you're so much more. Sometimes we're stronger along the breaks we've mended. Scar tissue is stronger than skin.

Trust me. Life gets better.

Love,
Gina
Scar tissue is stronger than skin.
Gina- you have magic in your words.

Jodi I hope you hear the truth in that. Its true you are that still your even wiser. Pick your self up dust yourself off and move along. I am glad your posting and that picture is GORGEOUS.

Love,
Jane
I have never felt this out-of-control in my life. I feel like my life is just spinning and I can't get a grip. I do just enough to get by. I thought the warmer weather would help. It's not.

I start off in the morning feeling pretty good. I have the whole day ahead of me to make the right choices. By nighttime, I am the total opposite. Depressed...so depressed. I'm sure all of the s*** I put in my body all day doesn't help.

It scares me how low I start to feel. Mix in enough alcohol and I'm scared of what I am capable of.

When I've managed to abstain for a few days, I don't understand what the pull was that brings me right back to using again. I'm definitely not any happier. What is it that I think I am missing if I am not drinking and popping pills?

This seems so impossible. I know it's not. But it sure feels that way most of the time.

There has been a drastic cut in my pill supply. I thought that would be a good thing. Now I'm just more obsessed with the counting and planning that goes with the territory. I'm terrified of running out. So I make myself make them last. And I just drink more. I watch the clock, counting the hours until I can have that first drink. You see, I don't dare drink while the kids are in school in case I have to show up at school for something.

What kind of a life is that? That is all I look forward to. That -- and sleeping.

I f***ing hate addiction. And only another addict even comes close to understanding.
Jodi,

You need help! When you are done, you will surrender completely and get the help and the life that you deserve.

Only you will make this decision, no words here or anywhere else will make you get that help. Its just something that happens...it may happen when you least expect it.

I know that you don't really expect to live out your life like this. Think about what it would mean to your kids....to break the chain of addiction. Think about what you are teaching and showing them! Fast forward 10 years....what do you see your kids doing?

I think about you often...I pray that this surrendering happens soon!
I know that nobody else can do this for me. I know there are no magic words to get me to make a move. That's why I hesitate on even posting. But, as I said, only another addict can truly understand the hell.

Writing has always been my way of gathering my thoughts. It is a way for me to understand what I am really feeling. I'm not a talker. I never have been.

Although the internet is about as public as you can get, this is actually more private for me, personally, than anything I can write down and keep at home.

I know I am making all of this more complicated than it needs to be.

Something has to happen soon. I'm at the end of my rope.
Something has to happen soon. I'm at the end of my rope.

How about rehab?
Well Jodi,when that "something" happens,make sure its a positive "something"!

There are plenty of us here more than willing to help in whatever way we can.

No,we cant do it for you,but we can help in some ways.Please,feel free to write me anytime,night or day,i am always willing to listen,we care,and want whats best for you,and even more so,i know you want whats best for yourself,you just havent figured out what the next step is,but you will,and we'll support you all the way!~KIM kelleykeeley1@aol.com
Jodi- Don't be afraid to just come here post your feelings and get it out. I in my opinion this could be a way toward an end. You have to start somewhere. One of these days something will click. All you have to have is a desire to quit, you have that right now. Keep on informing yourself and venting.

Love,
Jane
For me what being in recovery and therapy has done is it has opened my eyes to the cycle of addiction. I carry so much guilt, when you are in throws of raising a family and are actively using you really don't understand the effect that you behaviour has on your kids.

Its only when you stop and begin to heal that you can see exactly what it was that you are teaching your kids. I taught mine well. I can't change the past...even though I thought I hid my using and I did. I believe that my own problems definitely contributed to my grown kids problems.

Had I know then what I know now....omg...my point is....I feel like I didn't know better then, but I do now! So do you....your actions will effects your kids Jodi....you don't have to be perfect...but every kids deserves a clean Mom.

I have been given another opportunity to make amends...I truly believe that my granddaughter was a gift sent straight from God himself. If I ask her where she came from...she say "God sent me to mommy for you!" Sends chills throughout my body.

Think about the effects that your life will have on your family....I can't say that my granddaughter will never use drugs or alcohol but she will certainly be armed and educated about addiction!
Rehab may be your only shot Jodi. Nothing else seems to work and unless you get out of that house where drugs and alcohol are an issue, you're sunk. I just don't think you're strong enough to do this on your own. Go to rehab Jodi. Don't find all the reason why you can't, list all the reasons why you should. You need at least a month, preferable 6 away from your situation. I left my kids when they were still in school and they survived without me. In fact, it was harder on me than them. There is no excuse that's viable. If you have money for drugs, you have money for rehab and I know your mother would help you. As always, I am a phone call away. xxxooo Lisa