Lost A Lot Of Trust.

Pain Pills
1

I have been in and out of recovery since 1993 and just celebrated 2 years clean. I got back on line last November and I was new to this recovery on line. I was skeptical at first and my sponsor didn't think highly of it although she admitted she never tried it. I slowly watched from the background at first and then it was like my first meeting-These people seemed to be happy and had formed friendships. I joined a few sites that were recommended by others and narrowed it down to 3 that I really enjoyed being involved with. I felt happy to go to my f2f meetings and come home to see what was going on on the message boards and see if anyone was around to chat. We were actually starting to get a midnight chat going when all this s*** came down.
I would give my ES&H and would ask for ES&H if I needed some. Everytime I shared, I shared from the heart. I cared deeply for the people. I talked about my family, my life and felt like I knew there families and lives. I prayed for these people and reached out to crying newcomers. I am not looking for a pat on the back. What I am trying to say is-This internet stuff may not be for me. I have done nothing but cry for 2 days. I feel so naive, so humiliated to think I was trying to get information from a person whom was sitting behind the computer laughing their a** off. Makes me sick!!! And then to go and respond to a post and for that person to think I was being malicious when I have never been malicious to anyone at a site. All the chaos that this caused and it affected more people than you will ever know. I unjoined that site at my sponsor suggestion and it was the hardest thing to do because I thought I had formed friendships. Now I don't even know if the people I bonded with are real or truthful. I feel like I am back at square one with the trust issues. My heart is saying pray for those but right now my mind is saying-well, i would rather not write it. I needed to get this out. I don't think I will be posting much but it is nice to read the stories. I just know recovery is no joke and while you guys, and you know who you are, were sitting behind your computers laughing thinking about all the lies you could make up, someone was out there dying from the disease of addiction. Thanks for listening. I don't even want to sign my name. Of course you can tell by looking at who posted it. I guess it doesn't really matter.
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You're right Dawn, recovery is serious business. I like to have fun here from time to time, but the bottom line is many people come here as a last resort. As has been said many many times, we've hit a point in our lives where we really are morally, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. But, on the flipside, people come here because they refuse to give up. They want recovery - how great is that! The power of the human spirit!

Sure, it would be nice to see more of The Golden Rule practiced on this forum, especially lately, but it is what it is. Addicts, myself included, have opinions and egos like everyone else. I've been around here long enough to know there are a lot of good people here with a ton of good recovery...I still see it amidst all the verbal sparring.

For me, some days are better than others, that's for sure. But today I choose to look for the good here, to maybe find some words of wisdom, encouragement, new ideas, or humor that can help me live a better life, one day at a time.

Stick around and hopefully you'll find it too.

Jim
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Hi Dawn:

Just like in life, people ar fallible. You have a lot to offer. Keep carrying the message. We can't keep it if we don't give it away. Ask yourself how big of a deal is this, really? Forgive and forget. I don't know the person in question but if it is only one person out of the whole lot then things are pretty good, right? I am glad you are here and I hope you keep coming back. Maybe pray for the willingness to forgive this person and let it go?

Rachel
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At the end of the day we are responsible for our own recovery!
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Dawn..I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Trust is big in recovery and when it's been rocked, it's hard to get it back. All I can say is to remember that some are sicker than others and that we are all human behind these computer screens. We make mistakes, we get caught up, we don't always say or do the right thing.

You have so much to offer here. You're spirit and recovery shows. I hope you'll stick around. Sometimes we have to get a little thicker skinned on these message boards...

XXX
Cowgirl
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Dawn,

Trust was a huge issue for me, too, coming into recovery. I had hidden behind pills and a facade for so long. Ive discovered over time, as Ive been clean, clearer-headed and with lots of years of therapy, that the flip-side of trust is self-acceptance.

Of course on any online message board we cannot know for certain that anyone is for real (thats probably true to some degree in real life as well). Perhaps all we can ever hope for is to know when we are being upfront ourselves. And to accept the way we are however that looks. What anyone else does with our truths is on them, not on us.

Im sorry you got hurt.

Regards,
Gina
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If it wasn't for the online PA site I don't think I would have had the courage and strength to get clean. Well, at least not when I did. There were many issues that popped up while I was a manager there. We had out battles and our make ups. My sponsor told me she didn't think it was a good idea that I was participating in online recovery, mainly because she had no experience with it. In this issue I chose to ignore her. Online recovery is different from face to face meetings because anyone can post whatever they want whether they are using or not. I had to keep that in the back of my mind all the time. It just isn't my business any more who is using and who isn't. I know I'm clean. That's what's important to me. We all know the insanity of using. We know how distorted our perceptions of the real world can get. So, if I keep that in mind and sort thru the crap I learned how to handle online recovery a little better. I don't obsess over people's post any more. They don't keep me awake any more and they did for a while. Online resentments are just as dangerous as "live" resentments for me.
Anyway, before this got long-winded, I was trying to say, don't let it get to you. The addicts still using will either fade away or get clean. The addicts that are clean will be here to support you. Don't give up hope.
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Dawn4na,you are such an asset to this board.Your story speaks for itself and alot of us can learn from that.I hope a bad experience doesnt make you stop coming and helping others who need it so much.We cant control what others are or do.Sometimes opening oursleves up is a scary thing,especially online when youre not sure whom your dealing with.I know i feel the same way,but the GOOD you get,surely outways the bad.At least thats my experience.I would love to hear more of your journey.Im still fairly new to this,both with online message boards and addiction.Ive learned alot from people here ,have even acted upon some things i never thought i would because of fear,and now im feeling stronger than ever.I hope you stick around and copngrats on all that you've accomplished,its very inspiring.~KIM