Hi folks,
Haven't posted for a while, cause I've been through major surgery ( NOT looking for the sympathy vote)...a reversal of my ostomy last September..and I am fine! But worried sick about my eldest, who went back down to London at the beginning of August! Wanted MORE cash but refused it! Told him NOT to contact me via phone, txt, e mail etc! till I was through my op! And NO contact as at this moment!- 28/8/06! What should I do? Just look after ME? post op..or what? Sent a txt saying I was OK and asking if he was? But NO reply! Gawd, all I would like is to see him at my back door,looking well,and NOT looking like a down and out druggie! Have a shrewd suspicion that the scene in Dundee Scotland is a major part of the problem! and I know NAMES!, including "THE FAMILY"!! His co-housemate is at present, incarcerated in Perth Prison, as my son could have so easily been! He has a flat there in Dundee, at present , occupied by the friend's " girlfriend" but I suspect that my son has gone underground because of all of this! I'm 62 now and have taken his problems on board since 2002! I need my own life ( for as long as it can be)! Please, need some support and advice here if that's possible! I am SO tempted to call the police about this scenario...but waiting for the proverbial "contact"! Told me, as I handed him 200 that he was going to a friend's in London and getting on a programme of "Subutex" which isn't available in Tayside! BUT and the big BUT, it could ALL be lies again! As you have guessed...I am frustrated , angry and I need to know what to do next! ADVICE PLEASE!
Love from Bette
Bette,
You ok....See you went a bit crazy in the other thread. Come on one important thing to remember no one uses at you. You son isn't doing this to f*ck with you. He is addicted, that is it. For whatever the reason it makes no difference, it started for one reason as always and became something else. Now he is trapped.....
And so are you in his sickness. This will get better for you when you take back your life. I can't imagine it is pleasant stuck in his. He is a big boy, if he wants to use that is his choice and it has nothing but nothing to do with you, or anyone else here.
I know that it is frustrating, and that right now you can't find him. But what do you want for you, just you? If you want to know he is ok, and if that will bring you some peace then call and try to find him. But other then that there is nothing you will ever be able to do to stop him. He has to want it gone, not you.
There are things you know you can do to not keep him trapped, that is the only place you can so called help.....
And yes there are no good excuses but you can't see the whole story of anyone here. You wouldn't want your son treated like a junkie ( I hate that word ) would you? Wouldn't you rather him be treated as a human being. Cause you know he is much more then that heroin he uses......
Please find some help for you before this eats you alive. There is detachment and you can do that with love, and without losing who you are. It is a good thing an will lead you into living life......
Take good care,
Love,
Tina
You ok....See you went a bit crazy in the other thread. Come on one important thing to remember no one uses at you. You son isn't doing this to f*ck with you. He is addicted, that is it. For whatever the reason it makes no difference, it started for one reason as always and became something else. Now he is trapped.....
And so are you in his sickness. This will get better for you when you take back your life. I can't imagine it is pleasant stuck in his. He is a big boy, if he wants to use that is his choice and it has nothing but nothing to do with you, or anyone else here.
I know that it is frustrating, and that right now you can't find him. But what do you want for you, just you? If you want to know he is ok, and if that will bring you some peace then call and try to find him. But other then that there is nothing you will ever be able to do to stop him. He has to want it gone, not you.
There are things you know you can do to not keep him trapped, that is the only place you can so called help.....
And yes there are no good excuses but you can't see the whole story of anyone here. You wouldn't want your son treated like a junkie ( I hate that word ) would you? Wouldn't you rather him be treated as a human being. Cause you know he is much more then that heroin he uses......
Please find some help for you before this eats you alive. There is detachment and you can do that with love, and without losing who you are. It is a good thing an will lead you into living life......
Take good care,
Love,
Tina
Hi there Bette, sorry to hear you are having such a hard time dealing with havoc your sons addiction has wreaked on your life. I have to agree with Tina, your son isn't using to hurt you. I know that you are angry and frustrated, but speaking as a junkie (now clean, through a drug program and my own guts and determination, with no help or intervention whatsoever from family) all the anger and frustration in the world will not help one little bit. It won't get your son clean, it won't bring him closer to you and it won't help you. The more you rage at him, the less likely he is to want to be a part of your life. You can bet your last pound that he is feeling utterly wretched and ashamed at not getting in contact with you after the test you sent him, but if he is still using (and he probably is) he can see little point in getting in contact with you, just so you can be hurt and disappointed in him all over again.
So as to what to do, just do what you can to keep yourself well, and just let it be. I can't promise you he'll be OK, but what I can promise you is that by worrying yourself into an early grave, you are not helping yourself or your family. Again, like Tina said, he is a big boy now, and he can make his own choices. And like you said, it is a choice, although when you are in the grip of heroin it can often feel like a necessity, not a choice. It takes people a long time to realise that they have a choice. Some never do. Some, like myself, take years to realise it.
It might be more helpful to you to post on the friends and families board for support, because by posting on this forum, aimed primarily at addicts, with the obvious hurt and frustration you feel, you run the risk (well sweetheart, actually you've already done it) of sounding off at the wrong people, addicts who are very vulnerable, and doing their level best to change. It's important for addicts who are dealing with coming off heroin to stay positive, and it doesn't take much to knock them back - I'm sure that's the last thing you would want, to be a catalyst in someone else's sons relapse. Note that I said catalyst, not cause! They don't need to be torn to shreds right now. It's OK for the likes of me, you can sound off all you want at me, coz I'm a tough cookie who's done all the soul searching and come through the other side, and believe me, there's no name or insult you could throw at me that I haven't thrown at myself a thousand times! (And rationalised and discounted it as completely unhelpful in my recovery...) I'm not trying to belittle you, or throw doubt at how much you are suffering. All I am saying is there maybe a more more appropriate place to unload, where you may get more empathy and support.
Stay well, and hope that you find some peace.
Best wishes
Diff x
So as to what to do, just do what you can to keep yourself well, and just let it be. I can't promise you he'll be OK, but what I can promise you is that by worrying yourself into an early grave, you are not helping yourself or your family. Again, like Tina said, he is a big boy now, and he can make his own choices. And like you said, it is a choice, although when you are in the grip of heroin it can often feel like a necessity, not a choice. It takes people a long time to realise that they have a choice. Some never do. Some, like myself, take years to realise it.
It might be more helpful to you to post on the friends and families board for support, because by posting on this forum, aimed primarily at addicts, with the obvious hurt and frustration you feel, you run the risk (well sweetheart, actually you've already done it) of sounding off at the wrong people, addicts who are very vulnerable, and doing their level best to change. It's important for addicts who are dealing with coming off heroin to stay positive, and it doesn't take much to knock them back - I'm sure that's the last thing you would want, to be a catalyst in someone else's sons relapse. Note that I said catalyst, not cause! They don't need to be torn to shreds right now. It's OK for the likes of me, you can sound off all you want at me, coz I'm a tough cookie who's done all the soul searching and come through the other side, and believe me, there's no name or insult you could throw at me that I haven't thrown at myself a thousand times! (And rationalised and discounted it as completely unhelpful in my recovery...) I'm not trying to belittle you, or throw doubt at how much you are suffering. All I am saying is there maybe a more more appropriate place to unload, where you may get more empathy and support.
Stay well, and hope that you find some peace.
Best wishes
Diff x
Glad you made it through your surgery okay. What always helps me is to say to myself "My son is NOT in his right mind" when he is in active addiction. It makes them insane..literally I believe.
What has helped me is detaching in love. "I love you and I hope you do the next right thing". If I detach in anger. like I have many a time, guild comes creeping in and I feel horrific. Then, I want to enable. It's not healthy and it only keeps him using. A speaker at a Al-Anon meeting I attended from a local rehab said helping is hurting. Strong boundries are a must or they will take until you have no more to give.
What you need to do is take care of yourself and pray for your child. Pray that he gets back into his "right" mind! God bless you!
What has helped me is detaching in love. "I love you and I hope you do the next right thing". If I detach in anger. like I have many a time, guild comes creeping in and I feel horrific. Then, I want to enable. It's not healthy and it only keeps him using. A speaker at a Al-Anon meeting I attended from a local rehab said helping is hurting. Strong boundries are a must or they will take until you have no more to give.
What you need to do is take care of yourself and pray for your child. Pray that he gets back into his "right" mind! God bless you!
So true.............insanity it is..........what kind of "normal" person would steal off their own child........take chances with their life in tons of situations......leave the people who are on our side to sit after their own operation, and worry?
That's us.......yes, we do that....good thing is we can actually turn it back around.........I'm sorry you mom's..........oh, and easier said then done I know, but yep helping is hurting........I have you in my prayers.
That's us.......yes, we do that....good thing is we can actually turn it back around.........I'm sorry you mom's..........oh, and easier said then done I know, but yep helping is hurting........I have you in my prayers.
