I feel very down today. The young people are starting college this week and next, and my daughter was going to be one of those young people. She was accepted into a great college, and she would have had a bright future there. Her addiction took care of that dream.
I had some clients in today who were talking about their kids starting college. They recalled last year that I had told them my daughter had gotten accepted. When they asked if I was driving up to help her prepare her dorm, I lied and said I was very excited about my daughter staring a new journey in her young life.
Lately, I've been hearing about young people getting married, starting great careers, colleges, graduate school, and the like. It hits me in the stomach every time. My daughter is so dysfunctional, she can barely make it through a day without being obsessed with drugs. I'm so jealous of these people with kids who are making them proud. I don't know what my life would be like without the nag of dread hanging over me from sunup to sundown. What would it be like for my daughter to call home to tell me how her classes are going? How her new marriage is going? How her career is going? No, she calls to tell me she's about to sign herself out of rehab to go stay at a drug house where she'll smoke heroin for weeks at a time. And based on what I'm reading here, my journey with this kind of life is just beginning.
I am tired already. Exhausted, in fact. I would give anything to have a normal daughter, to feel the warmth associated with knowing my daughter is well on her way to being self sufficient and successful. I looked at another client today in awe. He was talking about his son's new career as an engineer and his wedding which was coming up in October. I wanted to ask him how it felt to have that kind of peace, but no one in my community knows what I'm going through. I have kept much of it secret because of the stigma, and it could have a negative effect on my business. I'm glad to have all of you to hear me out, and I'm thankful for my small Nar-anon group. Until someone has a family member who is addicted, there is no way for someone to understand. There is judgment in their eyes, and they somehow impute the addiction to the parent. "If you had only been a better parent, given her more time, then perhaps she would not be trying to fill her void with drugs." What a sad misconception. I'm kind of looking forward to August passing. That way I can mourn the lost dream and let it go.
I am right there with you. I know I say this a lot, but I could have written this post-every word. It is easier to lie, than get into the details. I make general comments about my son, too, as people talk about their kids heading off to college.
His old gf has a new guy and I see them often. It kills me. I held onto their relationship as a sign of "normal". She did not do drugs, seemed healthy. I have never told anyone my feelings, because the emotions are so deep. It is not just her, but the death of that dream of a normal life.
No doubt about it, it is an unending grief. And, it hits me in the stomach occasionally, also. I have this aversion to seeing little boys in baseball caps, happy, running around. It just hurts so bad.
We did not cause this. I have stopped going there, beating myself up. It is beyond our reach. And, we did not cause it.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone, and I go through this frequently!!!
His old gf has a new guy and I see them often. It kills me. I held onto their relationship as a sign of "normal". She did not do drugs, seemed healthy. I have never told anyone my feelings, because the emotions are so deep. It is not just her, but the death of that dream of a normal life.
No doubt about it, it is an unending grief. And, it hits me in the stomach occasionally, also. I have this aversion to seeing little boys in baseball caps, happy, running around. It just hurts so bad.
We did not cause this. I have stopped going there, beating myself up. It is beyond our reach. And, we did not cause it.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone, and I go through this frequently!!!
I don't think there's any one of us parents on here that don't feel that loss. We planned on all these great things for our kids. I'm sure it never entered our minds that our kids would grow up to be addicts. I just want to say that we are allowed to grieve this loss. We may not have any control over our addicts or their choices but we're human and we've lost out on so much happiness with and for our kids. It's heartbreaking. I'll also say this though, don't stay buried in the grief. Life keeps happening and we are also allowed to feel happiness.
Hug to you!
Hug to you!
I have been thinking of you and your daughter. I want to say some thing helpful or encouraging. We are here ,we listen and understand.
Unfortunately, there are so many of us parents.
Unfortunately, there are so many of us parents.
Quick response: I did talk to a few close friends - just touched base on the fact that my son was struggling with issues. I did not dwell on it and talk in any detail with my friends. most of our friends are family friends. my husband and I did go to nar anon - it was very good at getting us out and talking. and coming up with strategies for the next week. I found this web site so I had an outlet and didn't have to talk to people so much.
I personally don't feel like theres a stigma, this situation is so common.
I did feel that I was betraying my son by telling people anything. I also did not want to tarnish his reputation if he is in recovery. and I did not want him to feel the embarrassment of knowing that I told people about his struggles.
I was on the fence about keeping secrets. I am not a person that likes hiding the truth.
On the other hand, my husband and I started to get good at rehearsing what were going to say to the friends at the BBQ when they ask how the kids are doing.... fine, fine, everyone is doing well, .
I wouldn't go into any untrue stories, just keep it simple.... she had a change of plans. community college for a year or two....
I personally don't feel like theres a stigma, this situation is so common.
I did feel that I was betraying my son by telling people anything. I also did not want to tarnish his reputation if he is in recovery. and I did not want him to feel the embarrassment of knowing that I told people about his struggles.
I was on the fence about keeping secrets. I am not a person that likes hiding the truth.
On the other hand, my husband and I started to get good at rehearsing what were going to say to the friends at the BBQ when they ask how the kids are doing.... fine, fine, everyone is doing well, .
I wouldn't go into any untrue stories, just keep it simple.... she had a change of plans. community college for a year or two....
I wanted to tell you that I feel the same way. I have a son who will be 24 soon. Everyday I worry will he relapse. He is currently in a treatment facility but will be released in a 2 weeks. In the past, he left early and relapsed. In IOP he relapsed. We don't like in the same state so being so far away and worrying what is going on is heart wrenching. I worry about how long his employer will keep him on, how long he will be able to pay his rent, when will he call that he lost something, or has to go to the er for non-stop vomiting, etc. He doesn't have close friends or family where he lives. The friend or two he has have families while my son is single so hanging out on weekends doesn't happen. That leaves him alone to sit and drink while depressed...
I just want peace as well. I want to enjoy the life I have and not have to worry how I will pay all of this health care debt off due to trying to help him.
I do thank God many times a day that he is currently in treatment and I ask that this time my son really wants to start a new life. You are not alone. ALl of his high school friends have great careers started and are engaged and doing well. My son has a job which could turn into a great career if he gets his head on straight. Praying this is the time and grateful he has a job. Hoping it is still there when he gets out of treatment.
So, you are not alone. The pain you feel is shared by many. God will see us through this.
I just want peace as well. I want to enjoy the life I have and not have to worry how I will pay all of this health care debt off due to trying to help him.
I do thank God many times a day that he is currently in treatment and I ask that this time my son really wants to start a new life. You are not alone. ALl of his high school friends have great careers started and are engaged and doing well. My son has a job which could turn into a great career if he gets his head on straight. Praying this is the time and grateful he has a job. Hoping it is still there when he gets out of treatment.
So, you are not alone. The pain you feel is shared by many. God will see us through this.
It is so hard to watch others move on. I keep telling myself that he has to follow his own path, no matter what that is. I am fully aware it may not end well. Lately, I am trying out the serenity prayer, I guess to try to accept that-for whatever reason-some people live this type of life.
I guess I arrived at this new attempt at looking at this problem because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. In some ways, it makes me sad to read these posts, and realize I am even moving beyond the sadness. That I am just accepting that he is living this way.
I do hope for a miracle or for him to run into someone/something that he can connect with that brings him peace. I worry that he will never find any type of happiness. But, I am just trying to be present with him when he shows up. Not be enabling, but just be present with him.
Tough stuff. I wanted a different life for him, whatever that would look like for him.
I guess I arrived at this new attempt at looking at this problem because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. In some ways, it makes me sad to read these posts, and realize I am even moving beyond the sadness. That I am just accepting that he is living this way.
I do hope for a miracle or for him to run into someone/something that he can connect with that brings him peace. I worry that he will never find any type of happiness. But, I am just trying to be present with him when he shows up. Not be enabling, but just be present with him.
Tough stuff. I wanted a different life for him, whatever that would look like for him.
hi parenting -- just want to give you a Hug --- XXX
I have been thru the thoughts and feelings you are talking about. It is definitely a process.
I have been thru the thoughts and feelings you are talking about. It is definitely a process.
Jointheclub.
Us too.
Surrounded by success and other peoples kids going off to university. I hide it too but sometimes i take the opposite approach. Sometimes i think its actually healthier for me to talk about it.
It does shock people, some do judge, others seem visibly smug that its not happened to them.
Weve had all sorts on insensitive comments. One close family member seems to pretend my son doesnt even exist which is hard to accept.
But.........unless more people are open about the problem and help try and educate people the stigma will never go.
It can happen to pretty much anyone and society just needs to realise this and get on with developing a proper cure.
It wasnt so long ago that the navel gazing middle class in the UK would not even accept ADD, ADHD etc even existed. Were told by teachers at my sons open evenings at school that we were just giving him too much coca cola! It was all down to bad parenting.
Thankfully few still hold that view but if every parent who always knew thier child WAS different from an early age had just accepted the insults then thousands of kids would not be getting the help and understanding they get today.
I think it should be no different for drug addiction.
Us too.
Surrounded by success and other peoples kids going off to university. I hide it too but sometimes i take the opposite approach. Sometimes i think its actually healthier for me to talk about it.
It does shock people, some do judge, others seem visibly smug that its not happened to them.
Weve had all sorts on insensitive comments. One close family member seems to pretend my son doesnt even exist which is hard to accept.
But.........unless more people are open about the problem and help try and educate people the stigma will never go.
It can happen to pretty much anyone and society just needs to realise this and get on with developing a proper cure.
It wasnt so long ago that the navel gazing middle class in the UK would not even accept ADD, ADHD etc even existed. Were told by teachers at my sons open evenings at school that we were just giving him too much coca cola! It was all down to bad parenting.
Thankfully few still hold that view but if every parent who always knew thier child WAS different from an early age had just accepted the insults then thousands of kids would not be getting the help and understanding they get today.
I think it should be no different for drug addiction.
