HI Bob
Been reading all your notices. Of which i must say are very helpful.
I have printed out your detachment statement and will read in private again to self evaluate me and my situation.
I was wondering if this situation sounds normal..........................
That a person Could love an addict so much they would try to control their finances, their friends, there phome calls, their social life etc etc....
just so they can help prevent them using a hard drug again, and actually have the mind set that it was ok to take other drugs, which were considerded less dangerous including alcohol;.....living in fear and being almost thankful that it wasnt the other drugs.
I know i'm rambling on, but the addict actually lets this happen through feelings of guilt and remourse. Both parties love eachother and both are equally kind beautiful clever people in a long termrelationship, with no children.
I feel like i know your responce and feel silly. its such a long story, i thing my situation is slightly unique.
thanx!
hi jane. thanks for posting. glad to help if i can.
a loved one helping an addict and supporting the addict in recovery is not unusual. usually though, it's probably not a good idea to do anything for the addict that he can do for himself -- including those things that you've listed. it's just a form of co-dependency which will make you unhealthy. it's his addiction for which he is responsible -- not you.
switching from one mind altering substance to another is usually an indication that the addict is in denial. switching to another substance from the addict's drug of choice is saying "i can manage." i don't have a problem. i can control my usage by my will power. i don't need help. of course, this is just the opposite of the 12 Step concept which says -- i am powerless over this or these substance(s), life is unmanageable, i throw in the towel, i need help.
most who try to quit or reduce their usage by will power alone fail in their attempts. not saying they can't quit for awhile, or reduce for a while, or for a while only use on certain days, etc. but it depends on will power alone and rarely addresses recovery -- which involves seeking and pursuing a spiritual breakthrough (an "awakening" for lack of a better term, which then lead to an supports abstinence).
as the AAers say it, "half measures availed us nothing." take a look at chapter 5 of the Big Bood of AA. (How It Works) here's a copy: http://www.healingresource.org/book...Display_Welcome
there are several other posts on the last couple of screens about detachment and enabling. you may find them useful in your search for answers.
some recovery goals are not abstinence, but maintaining some semblance of a good life (which i think is what you are suggesting). just remember, the diseases of addiction or alcoholism are progressive -- as long as the addict is using some mind altering drug the disease gets worse over time (not better) and the level of addiction and the behaviors that it produces do not level out -- they get worse. so what behaviors you are seeing now will not stay static -- they will progressively get worse over the course of a lifetime. also, most will tell you that if an addict quits using for say 5 years, if they return to using, they pick up in their stage of illness exactly where they left off with it. in other words, they don't get better, then when they start using again they start all over.
peace be with you.
a loved one helping an addict and supporting the addict in recovery is not unusual. usually though, it's probably not a good idea to do anything for the addict that he can do for himself -- including those things that you've listed. it's just a form of co-dependency which will make you unhealthy. it's his addiction for which he is responsible -- not you.
switching from one mind altering substance to another is usually an indication that the addict is in denial. switching to another substance from the addict's drug of choice is saying "i can manage." i don't have a problem. i can control my usage by my will power. i don't need help. of course, this is just the opposite of the 12 Step concept which says -- i am powerless over this or these substance(s), life is unmanageable, i throw in the towel, i need help.
most who try to quit or reduce their usage by will power alone fail in their attempts. not saying they can't quit for awhile, or reduce for a while, or for a while only use on certain days, etc. but it depends on will power alone and rarely addresses recovery -- which involves seeking and pursuing a spiritual breakthrough (an "awakening" for lack of a better term, which then lead to an supports abstinence).
as the AAers say it, "half measures availed us nothing." take a look at chapter 5 of the Big Bood of AA. (How It Works) here's a copy: http://www.healingresource.org/book...Display_Welcome
there are several other posts on the last couple of screens about detachment and enabling. you may find them useful in your search for answers.
some recovery goals are not abstinence, but maintaining some semblance of a good life (which i think is what you are suggesting). just remember, the diseases of addiction or alcoholism are progressive -- as long as the addict is using some mind altering drug the disease gets worse over time (not better) and the level of addiction and the behaviors that it produces do not level out -- they get worse. so what behaviors you are seeing now will not stay static -- they will progressively get worse over the course of a lifetime. also, most will tell you that if an addict quits using for say 5 years, if they return to using, they pick up in their stage of illness exactly where they left off with it. in other words, they don't get better, then when they start using again they start all over.
peace be with you.