I have no idea if i should even be posting about this......on this site.....but all of you have become close friends of mine and im having a tuff time!!!
I just need to try and understand a few things. Maybe you GUYS on this site could put it into a different perspective for me.
O.k. Here goes...
I have alot of difficulties with my fiancee. for those of you that dont know about us..We have nown each other for years and years. My whole life to be exact. He was my best friend as a kid and we grew up just a few houses away. There were no girls to hang out with around me during the summers, so he and i made good friends fast!
We stopped talking for a few years, mostly because i started looking at boys differently. He WAS the first boy that i ever kissed and i was his first kiss also. But then i moved on and ended up having a baby at 15 and he went his way and i and my son went ours. I started living with my mother again at 17 and we saw each other and waved and said hello but not much more.
After a long sting of events in my life...we met again over the summer and we got realy close again and realy fast. He had no idea about my pill problom and i had no intention in telling him until he asked me to marry him and asked if he could adopt my son.
After i told him , he was wonderful. He helped me tapper and then helped me go cold turkey. It didnt last long though. This was only a few weeks ago. And now he thinks that im not using anymore and says that he likes me better this way. He said that he was gonna give up on me soon cause it was paying a toll on him mentally and financualy. I cant tell him now and i cant sleep because of that. But the real problom is that i have kind of felt like were not as close anymore eaither. He is working alot more and is always telling me that he loves me, and wants to be home. I know that he loves me and my kids. I understand that he needs to work. But the only time i feel like were close is in the bed (if you know what i mean!!!) So i have become this person that is pulling at his pants the min. he gets up for work and the min. he gets home and anywere in between, when the kids are doing things and we get time alone.
He thinks that its funny, he thinks that i have turned into this fun person in the bedroom and he is so loving and careing through it all. But when its over i have this abandoned feeling that just will not go away. So i go for the sex again. He cant keep up anymore and i just feel like its the only way that i get the attention from him. Why??? Why does he seem sooo far away now. When i took the pills, he was always there to guide me and to comfort me and to give me the thumbs up sign, and tell me i was gonna be o.k.! Now he bairly even talks to me!!! Why ?? What is it thats sooo different between us now??
Sorry this is so long, i needed to get it out and didnt know were eles to go, GUYS...if you have any info on my you men are the way you are....please share it with me. I thought i had it figured out.
Thanks for reading.(if you made it this far.)
Christina
Hey Christina! Hi!
Based on extremely limited info...I get the feeling that you liked the idea of someone to be with all the time...plus the adoption thing for your child...
Using sex as the only way to get the affection you need is short lived. Sounds like you need to talk to someone to sort this out.
Again, this is based on limited info...you are dropping hints in your post though. Go sort through this with a counselor....
Good luck.
Based on extremely limited info...I get the feeling that you liked the idea of someone to be with all the time...plus the adoption thing for your child...
Using sex as the only way to get the affection you need is short lived. Sounds like you need to talk to someone to sort this out.
Again, this is based on limited info...you are dropping hints in your post though. Go sort through this with a counselor....
Good luck.
Eddie, at first i thought that too!!!
And normally i would say that to someone if they put a story like that in front of me to. But for some reason, thats not it.
I have always been alone. My kids and i have always been alone. Even through the stupid relationships in the past, somehow we have always been alone. And that was o.k.!!! We were happy that way. I realy dont need a man to make things work in my life. I make my own money.(exept now, because of the surgery, ill off)
And i had my own house and i have my own car and i have liked the fact of being by myself. Nobody to answer to i guess. but when we started to talk again, it just felt right. We have everything in common. and we used to talk all the time about everything under the sun. Now since the pill issue and me not being on them(in his mind) its kind of changed. Im not saying that im addicted to sex or anything. I like it as much as any female, but he smiles and he tells me that he's happy and that he feels great, after its all done and over. He tells me how happy he is and then calls all the time from work and says all these cute things. But now im having this weird feeling like maybe he liked me better the other way.(again, in his mind) I asked him tonight if he ever had second thoughts about marrying me, and he said no, but it took a min. to say that.
It just seems like without the sex, he wouldnt be happy right now. I wonder why.???
Christina
And normally i would say that to someone if they put a story like that in front of me to. But for some reason, thats not it.
I have always been alone. My kids and i have always been alone. Even through the stupid relationships in the past, somehow we have always been alone. And that was o.k.!!! We were happy that way. I realy dont need a man to make things work in my life. I make my own money.(exept now, because of the surgery, ill off)
And i had my own house and i have my own car and i have liked the fact of being by myself. Nobody to answer to i guess. but when we started to talk again, it just felt right. We have everything in common. and we used to talk all the time about everything under the sun. Now since the pill issue and me not being on them(in his mind) its kind of changed. Im not saying that im addicted to sex or anything. I like it as much as any female, but he smiles and he tells me that he's happy and that he feels great, after its all done and over. He tells me how happy he is and then calls all the time from work and says all these cute things. But now im having this weird feeling like maybe he liked me better the other way.(again, in his mind) I asked him tonight if he ever had second thoughts about marrying me, and he said no, but it took a min. to say that.
It just seems like without the sex, he wouldnt be happy right now. I wonder why.???
Christina
Well, Christina, without sex no man would be happy. I cant help but thinking your feeling guilty of this latest lapse and you dont want to tell him.
Just my opinion from limited info, its hard not knowing you in person.
Johndee
Just my opinion from limited info, its hard not knowing you in person.
Johndee
Christina, one thing is not clear from your post. Are you currently using ?
yes, bob b. i am using. Not as nearly as much as i was but non-the-less im still taking the stupid pills.
I went cold turkey for a few days and then i felt better and then i started to just take one because i thought that i needed it for pains(surgery) but i was stupid to think that i now im taking about 3 of then a day.
Cant tell anyone though. They(my whole family, and fiancee) were all wonderful with me about getting off and comming clean with them and telling them my probloms. Now i have let everyone down , including myself.
But i guess there is no place to go but up when you hit the bottom. I have to stop FEELING GUILTY about it and just get it over with.
Maybe it is the reason that i feel like im loosing my fiancee. And the only thing in my mind is to make him happy and keep him happy. I know that sex isnt the answer in this situation, but i cant figure out any other way to make him smile. And he dosnt even know about the pills right now.
What is a girl to do in this situation to make a man happy???
Guys,,,thanks for answering the post. I know that its not the right place for it, but i have nobody eles to talk to right now. and it does have ot deal with pills!!
Thanks again. Christina
I went cold turkey for a few days and then i felt better and then i started to just take one because i thought that i needed it for pains(surgery) but i was stupid to think that i now im taking about 3 of then a day.
Cant tell anyone though. They(my whole family, and fiancee) were all wonderful with me about getting off and comming clean with them and telling them my probloms. Now i have let everyone down , including myself.
But i guess there is no place to go but up when you hit the bottom. I have to stop FEELING GUILTY about it and just get it over with.
Maybe it is the reason that i feel like im loosing my fiancee. And the only thing in my mind is to make him happy and keep him happy. I know that sex isnt the answer in this situation, but i cant figure out any other way to make him smile. And he dosnt even know about the pills right now.
What is a girl to do in this situation to make a man happy???
Guys,,,thanks for answering the post. I know that its not the right place for it, but i have nobody eles to talk to right now. and it does have ot deal with pills!!
Thanks again. Christina
Johndee....I think you just hit the nail on the head!!!!!! I am feeling guilty, but ill loose him if i tell him. I guess im just being selfish. But i have a problom and i know that i need help. How can you ask for it, if they have already given it to you. I feel like iv used them. I just cant take it anymore.
Do you all realy think that hell leave me if i tell him.??
Christina
Do you all realy think that hell leave me if i tell him.??
Christina
Ok I have been following along......he didn't run out the first time.....why do you think he will this time. He has been reading the board at times.....he does know about relapses......Do you really think he will just up and run if he finds out your using again......You know I didn't, I was really hurt, truth be told I felt emotionally F**ked over......Only you can truely know him. But I must ask do you faith in him, trust in him......that he can handle finding out you are not clean.
What kind of help do you feel that you need ?
Mistyeyes, we had a talk a few nights ago and i asked him "have you ever had second thoughts about this relationship?"
And he told me that he HAS , but only one time. When i asked him when it was..he told me that at the end of this last time i tried to cold turkey, he thought that maybe he had enough. He said he wanted the old "christina" back so bad that if i didnt come back soon he was gonna have to leave because he didnt think that he was strong enough to handle having me on the pills.
He also told me that he has lived his whole life trying to stay away from people that are into any kind of drug. He never wanted to be around the drinking or the pot smoking or anything that had to deal with that kind of stuff.
He said that he felt weird sometimes having to keep that bottle of pills with him so that i could tapper and not try to have more than i was suppost to.
He hasnt read this site for a few and i dont think that he is goning to anymore. He told me that now that im done (again, in his mind) he dosnt have to look for advise on helping me anymore. He loved it before and now he dosnt need it. Im still not sure what to think of that. God, Mistyeyes, i wish he would just look at me and know . I wish he would just know that this isnt me . And that im not back yet. But through the w/d's i was a mess. I cried alot and slept alot and i had a ruff few days and then i gave up. But he thought that i was better because i was up and about and doing things and smileing again.
HELP!! I have no idea what to do now. Thisw is my problom and i know that you all can only give advise, but sometimes i feel better and come to conclusions, just by writing it out with all of you.!!!!!!!!!
Christina
And he told me that he HAS , but only one time. When i asked him when it was..he told me that at the end of this last time i tried to cold turkey, he thought that maybe he had enough. He said he wanted the old "christina" back so bad that if i didnt come back soon he was gonna have to leave because he didnt think that he was strong enough to handle having me on the pills.
He also told me that he has lived his whole life trying to stay away from people that are into any kind of drug. He never wanted to be around the drinking or the pot smoking or anything that had to deal with that kind of stuff.
He said that he felt weird sometimes having to keep that bottle of pills with him so that i could tapper and not try to have more than i was suppost to.
He hasnt read this site for a few and i dont think that he is goning to anymore. He told me that now that im done (again, in his mind) he dosnt have to look for advise on helping me anymore. He loved it before and now he dosnt need it. Im still not sure what to think of that. God, Mistyeyes, i wish he would just look at me and know . I wish he would just know that this isnt me . And that im not back yet. But through the w/d's i was a mess. I cried alot and slept alot and i had a ruff few days and then i gave up. But he thought that i was better because i was up and about and doing things and smileing again.
HELP!! I have no idea what to do now. Thisw is my problom and i know that you all can only give advise, but sometimes i feel better and come to conclusions, just by writing it out with all of you.!!!!!!!!!
Christina
Bob B. im not even sure what way is up anymore and i sure dont know what kind of help that i need. Im not stupid, i know that i need to stop the pills. But it seems like nobody likes me through the w/d's and they like me better on the meds. Guess i might just be stupid after all, i dont even know who i am anymore.
It just sometimes helps to write it out and hear a few more oppinions other than my own. I guess that was the help that i am looking for right now.
Thank you for helping me!!!
Christina
It just sometimes helps to write it out and hear a few more oppinions other than my own. I guess that was the help that i am looking for right now.
Thank you for helping me!!!
Christina
Christina, I'm new here and haven't read many of your posts. You seen to feel that you are very self sufficient. Maybe this excerpt will help, if you are really ready to save your relationship and throw in the towel:
Chapter 5
HOW IT WORKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly
followed our path. Those who do not recover
are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves
to this simple program, usually men and women
who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with
themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not
at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are
naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner
of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their
chances are less than average. There are those, too, who
suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but
many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be
honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to
be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If
you have decided you want what we have and are willing
to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to
take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could
find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all
the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be
fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of
us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result
was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling,
powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But
there is One who has all power that One is God. May
you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the
turning point. we asked His protection and care with
complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a
program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that
our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of
ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human
being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these
defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became
willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or
others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we
were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God as we understood
Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for
us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of
these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics,
and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go
through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among
us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence
to these principles. We are not saints. The point
is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The
principles we have set down are guides to progress. We
claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the
agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after
make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our
own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved
our alcoholism.
That God could and would if He were sought.
Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that
we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as
we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and
just what do we do?
I offer this to you with love in my heart for your real recovery so that you will return to your real self -- without the barriers that you have erected.
Chapter 5
HOW IT WORKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly
followed our path. Those who do not recover
are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves
to this simple program, usually men and women
who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with
themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not
at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are
naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner
of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their
chances are less than average. There are those, too, who
suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but
many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be
honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to
be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If
you have decided you want what we have and are willing
to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to
take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could
find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all
the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be
fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of
us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result
was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling,
powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But
there is One who has all power that One is God. May
you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the
turning point. we asked His protection and care with
complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a
program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that
our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of
ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human
being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these
defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became
willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or
others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we
were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God as we understood
Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for
us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of
these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics,
and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go
through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among
us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence
to these principles. We are not saints. The point
is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The
principles we have set down are guides to progress. We
claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the
agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after
make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our
own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved
our alcoholism.
That God could and would if He were sought.
Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that
we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as
we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and
just what do we do?
I offer this to you with love in my heart for your real recovery so that you will return to your real self -- without the barriers that you have erected.
Bob.B. that was very nice of you. I have the tears comming out now full force. Thank you. I'm gonna copy that and put it up in the mirror in my bed room.
Maybe if i look at it everyday, when i look at myself, i will understand what it is i need to do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Christina
Maybe if i look at it everyday, when i look at myself, i will understand what it is i need to do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Christina
I can tell you are a very loveable person. A man needs more than sex -- sex alone won't hold any man for long. A guy can tell when a girl is playing him and not being honest in the relationship.
I think one thing is for certain -- he will leave you if you don't decide that you are going to go to any lengths to get clean and stay clean (one day at a time).
I'm crying with you, not against you.
I think one thing is for certain -- he will leave you if you don't decide that you are going to go to any lengths to get clean and stay clean (one day at a time).
I'm crying with you, not against you.
Well let me tell you alittle about hell.....It is when you have to have your son babysit your husband during wd so you can an hour of sleep. When you give him 40mgs of valium when you have had enough of the insanity he is going through, trying to leave the house to go god knows where and he can't find the door.........When you don't sleep for more than an hour or two a night for a whole week..........Then it all gets better and guess what he crumbles and uses again.......You get to watch it all over........
Ok that was a real short version of wd at my house. I put that in so you can kind of see his side if it. Watching you go through wd might be the first thing that comes into his mind if you tell him you are using again.
He needs to know that the old Christina is still there......because you are. You know I told you that he needed to get some support for himself. He really does, he would understand so much better. He would have known from day one that you could relapse......that you might not be alright for a good long while. He may have known that you were using right away, guess what he may know now.
I always believe that telling the truth no matter how bad is the best way to go. But I am not going to tell you that, because you have to make that decision, only you. You will be living with the outcome either way.
Maybe you should go to sleep and think about what you have to do for yourself. No matter what happens in all of this you still need to find your way out of the pill hell you are in.....
Hugs,
Tina
Ok that was a real short version of wd at my house. I put that in so you can kind of see his side if it. Watching you go through wd might be the first thing that comes into his mind if you tell him you are using again.
He needs to know that the old Christina is still there......because you are. You know I told you that he needed to get some support for himself. He really does, he would understand so much better. He would have known from day one that you could relapse......that you might not be alright for a good long while. He may have known that you were using right away, guess what he may know now.
I always believe that telling the truth no matter how bad is the best way to go. But I am not going to tell you that, because you have to make that decision, only you. You will be living with the outcome either way.
Maybe you should go to sleep and think about what you have to do for yourself. No matter what happens in all of this you still need to find your way out of the pill hell you are in.....
Hugs,
Tina
I just wanted to say thanks to all of you that helped me realize things tonight!
I guess i know what to do now..................
Christina
I guess i know what to do now..................
Christina
Christina - Every man has second thoughts.......and thirds...fourths....fifths.... Maybe he's one of the only ones that has the guts to be honest?
After 50 or so thoughts about it....watch out!
After 50 or so thoughts about it....watch out!
Christina.... This thread just caught my eye and I know that alot of people have had wonderful advice for you...Misty, you're my hero.... I just have one thing to add.. You're not alone, darlin, your story could have been my story 20 years ago when I married my husband. I confused sex with love and guilt with sex. I was using, he didn't know, and sex was my way of keeping him around. When things finally came to a head and I got honest and then clean (a number of times, but I kept trying), our relationship took on a whole new meaning. The fact that he stuck around let me know that it wasn't just the sex, that I was actually someone who could be loved. You decide about being honest, no one can do that for you, no one lives your life. But whatever you decide, you need to stop taking the pills before it gets worse. You're only taking 3 a day now so your w/d should be realitively easy. Not fun, but doable. Don't wait another day... flush em. Take your power back.
I've watched you since you've joined this site and I see such a warm and loving person... you deserve this life, Christina, don't let it pass you by.
Love
Cowgirl
I've watched you since you've joined this site and I see such a warm and loving person... you deserve this life, Christina, don't let it pass you by.
Love
Cowgirl
Cowgirl I argree I've spoken with her via phone and really what a sweet person.She sounds like shes lost right now I wrote a email to her because well I just feel close to her.Love and sex can be so complicated.I hope to hear from her soon.How is your dad?Still looking up?I hope so I must admit I am envious about you & your dad I always wished I could of been closer to mine.Anyways I wanted to say I'm glad he is doing better(I hope he still is)and you should be very proud of how you handled all of that.....mj
