I got a call from the dentist.They are bumping me now to tomorrow morning.
I am so cool with this right now....since I'm running around without my 2 front teeth.It's not a good look.
I want to thank all you wonderful people for the great feedback the last few weeks.That has been a big salvation for me.You will never know the gratitude I feel.
I've told them again NO VALIUM and it's been a real freeing thing for this junkie.I'ts not in my nature to turn down anything that I could get a buzz from.That is directly from a power greater than myself.I'm not trying to be a martyr either because i'm not.I just know God's going to get me through this somehow and afterwards I will deal with it.
The last few week my addict has been alive and kicking setting up all kinds of senarios.My mind has not been my best friend.I've been pissed at the world and doing a good job of playing a victim.I've been getting up in the morning and doing my meditation and then in the next breath screaming "F8ck this sh*t!!.Everytime I try to do the right thing in my life I get bombarded with more problems"
I get mad at the meetings and leave and say to myself"It's the same sh*t over and over".
Well you know what? It is the same sh*t over and over but I don't have to keep reacting the same way over and over.
The deal is I don't have the money for the teeth or the truck but I am clean.That gives me options.I can at least be honest with my mechanic and he will work things out with me.I was honest with my dentist and he said I could pay out the balance over the next year.
If I was f*cked up,I would be lying and manipulating all of them and have.
Today I get a chance to live differently and folks.........it doesn't always feel good at first but it does later.
I don't like saying I need help.It feels wierd or like I'm a failure but I know that's my ego.I know this is all going to be good.Thanks again and I will let you know hoe everything turns out.This will be the last of this.I'm getting tired of hearing myself whine.LOL
it doesn't always feel good at first but it does later.
Being an addict I looked for instant gratification. I'm one of those telling the microwave to hurry up.
It took me a long time to realize things take time, especially things worth while. Your self respect and dignity is one of those worth while things Tim. I'm glad to hear everything is working out, actually its you that made it work out.
Being an addict I looked for instant gratification. I'm one of those telling the microwave to hurry up.
It took me a long time to realize things take time, especially things worth while. Your self respect and dignity is one of those worth while things Tim. I'm glad to hear everything is working out, actually its you that made it work out.
Congratulations, Tim. I don't know if I told this story here before but I am going to do it anyway. When I went for my angioplasty even though I was able to say no to the benzos they did have to give me a pain killer. I insisted on the lowest possible dose. It worked fine but I found myself laying there feeling what I felt like (only an addict would understand that) I was looking for the buzz even though I didn't want it. It's hard when you can take something legitimately that can give you a buzz and know you have to be so careful. Oh well, an addict is always an addict, huh?
| QUOTE |
| It is the same sh*t over and over but I don't have to keep reacting the same way over and over. |
Man, I should have that tattoo'd to the inside of my eyelids.
You're brave to have processed this out in the open, Tim, where we could all learn from your experience.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow morning. I'm so glad you don't have to wait any longer.
| QUOTE |
| Well you know what? It is the same sh*t over and over but I don't have to keep reacting the same way over and over. |
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change(life), the courage to change the things I can (me), and the wisdom to know the difference...
I am so glad to read you've reached the surrender part and are letting God take control of the situation....Yes, your HP will get you through this and it will only build your character when you are through....
My friend, Miss Katbird can sum this up with one word..."Trust"
I love ya, Tim and I'm glad this will be over very shortly now...You will be in my prayers and can't wait for your beautiful new smile....
xoxo
Kat quotes-
NO SH*T
Thanks for sharing that Kat.That's one of the things that has been tormenting me.I don't want to get high but my mind keeps saying"If you cop a buzz Tim it won't be your fault".
See that kind of thinking takes the responsibilty off of me.I can blame somebody else.Maybe some people can do that and I'm not judging them but for me it's a friggin disaster.I would take the Valium and then leave the office still feeling it and I can guarantee you by the end of the day I would have 100 Valium in my possession.
Maybe someday it will be different but I know that I'm not cured.Sh*t,I was already planning in my head how to have some Oxy's delivered when I got home..
I'm o.k.I've got my bases covered now.If I start getting squirely you will definitely hear from me.LOL
Thanks,Redd.Gina and Stacey for your support.
| QUOTE |
| I was looking for the buzz even though I didn't want it. It's hard when you can take something legitimately that can give you a buzz and know you have to be so careful. |
NO SH*T
Thanks for sharing that Kat.That's one of the things that has been tormenting me.I don't want to get high but my mind keeps saying"If you cop a buzz Tim it won't be your fault".
See that kind of thinking takes the responsibilty off of me.I can blame somebody else.Maybe some people can do that and I'm not judging them but for me it's a friggin disaster.I would take the Valium and then leave the office still feeling it and I can guarantee you by the end of the day I would have 100 Valium in my possession.
Maybe someday it will be different but I know that I'm not cured.Sh*t,I was already planning in my head how to have some Oxy's delivered when I got home..
I'm o.k.I've got my bases covered now.If I start getting squirely you will definitely hear from me.LOL
Thanks,Redd.Gina and Stacey for your support.
Sending strong thoughts for you tomorrow Tim. So glad it's going to be over sooner than later. You have come so far...thanks for sharing all of that. I needed a good reminder today.
Good luck tomorrow, Tim. I'm sure you'll do fine. It will all be worth it in the long run.
I am in awe - hearing you guys reveal your thoughts, voice your fears about drugs, and everyone acknowledging and recognizing what we all fear
and then you guys know what to do to protect yourselves and you set up strategies to keep yourselves clean/sober, and keep your sense of humor
you have the right words to help and encourage each other, such an understanding of yourselves and each other and how the mind of an addict thinks
You're really an awesome community !
Tim, I'll be thinking you tomorrow and praying for us all tonight! Gracie
and then you guys know what to do to protect yourselves and you set up strategies to keep yourselves clean/sober, and keep your sense of humor
you have the right words to help and encourage each other, such an understanding of yourselves and each other and how the mind of an addict thinks
You're really an awesome community !
Tim, I'll be thinking you tomorrow and praying for us all tonight! Gracie
This is what we've learned from working the 12 steps Gracie...
I am beginning to see....
Tim:
Wishing you the best tomorrow. I know you will do fine, and as I said earlier, I was sure this experience had a teaching point beyond your immediate delimma, and look at this, here it is! Awesome, miraculous and then again, just Tim!
Your words always lift me up, Tim.
I learn a lot from what you write, and you remind me of things I already knew, but forgot to remember!
Thank you.
I will hold positive thoughts and healing for you tomorrow. It will be fine.
Peace.
Sarah
Wishing you the best tomorrow. I know you will do fine, and as I said earlier, I was sure this experience had a teaching point beyond your immediate delimma, and look at this, here it is! Awesome, miraculous and then again, just Tim!
Your words always lift me up, Tim.
I learn a lot from what you write, and you remind me of things I already knew, but forgot to remember!
Thank you.
I will hold positive thoughts and healing for you tomorrow. It will be fine.
Peace.
Sarah
Sarah.That's awesome.Thanks.
Lisa,when you went through your ordeal,I was paying close attention.
Gracie,I know running my thoughts about drugs seems unnerveing but it is a reality for me.They are just thoughts but if I don't get this sh*t out in the open,it develops a life of it's own.
Last night at my group I was sharing the story about the Nitrous Oxide and how I turned up the dials.Sure,it was a humorous story but underneath that was a reality that I have to keep in check.
A girl asked me afterwards what was wrong with having medication for this procedure and why would the fear be strong after this long?She brought up the quote in the book about legitimate pain yada,yada,yada
It was a difficult thing for me to explain.I even got caught up in some guilt about maybe there was a spiritual deficiency in my life and my program wasn't every strong?
And then it occured me that you know what? That's my story.It doesn't matter if someone doesn't understand or puts some label on it.If some other addict can take gas or Vicodin for legitimate pain....more power to them.
I can't.
Will I ever be able to? I have no f*cking clue but it's not something that giving any mental gymnastics with will serve me.
I am going for a 3 mile run this morning and then to work and my procedure is at 11:00am.
I like to meditate when I run and this will be one of those runs.
Thanks for your support
Lisa,when you went through your ordeal,I was paying close attention.
Gracie,I know running my thoughts about drugs seems unnerveing but it is a reality for me.They are just thoughts but if I don't get this sh*t out in the open,it develops a life of it's own.
Last night at my group I was sharing the story about the Nitrous Oxide and how I turned up the dials.Sure,it was a humorous story but underneath that was a reality that I have to keep in check.
A girl asked me afterwards what was wrong with having medication for this procedure and why would the fear be strong after this long?She brought up the quote in the book about legitimate pain yada,yada,yada
It was a difficult thing for me to explain.I even got caught up in some guilt about maybe there was a spiritual deficiency in my life and my program wasn't every strong?
And then it occured me that you know what? That's my story.It doesn't matter if someone doesn't understand or puts some label on it.If some other addict can take gas or Vicodin for legitimate pain....more power to them.
I can't.
Will I ever be able to? I have no f*cking clue but it's not something that giving any mental gymnastics with will serve me.
I am going for a 3 mile run this morning and then to work and my procedure is at 11:00am.
I like to meditate when I run and this will be one of those runs.
Thanks for your support
Hey Tim:
Good luck today. It is always inspiring to read your raw and truthful posts. I appreciate your gut level honesty and love reading how you walk through fear, continuously. For me, it always goes back to fear. I try to remember to Breathe in God and breathe out self.
~Rachel
Good luck today. It is always inspiring to read your raw and truthful posts. I appreciate your gut level honesty and love reading how you walk through fear, continuously. For me, it always goes back to fear. I try to remember to Breathe in God and breathe out self.
~Rachel
Tim, How did it go?
Hey Rachel! Good to see you.
Hey Rachel! Good to see you.
Thanks Rachel...It's over 3 hours of fuc*ing drilling.It went good though but now the 6 shots have worn off and I feel like I have been kicked in the mouth by a horse.
One thing I would like to clear up.............MOTRIN 800mg. DOES NOT WORK AS WELL AS VICODIN .LOL
but I'll live even with a resentment.
Thanks everyone for your prayers.They worked.
Now I'll crawl in bed and plan Matt's early demise.
One thing I would like to clear up.............MOTRIN 800mg. DOES NOT WORK AS WELL AS VICODIN .LOL
but I'll live even with a resentment.
Thanks everyone for your prayers.They worked.
Now I'll crawl in bed and plan Matt's early demise.
Today, Tim, you are my hero....
Thanks for showing this addict that it can be done....
And any resentments you might be contemplating, as my sponsor says, write about it...LOL
Thanks for showing this addict that it can be done....
And any resentments you might be contemplating, as my sponsor says, write about it...LOL
Big hugs. It is still so clear in my memory how bad those m-f'rs hurt. I am so sorry you are suffering hell I swear mine did not go away for a good week or two. I was a swollen and bitter for a while.
Love,
Jane
Love,
Jane
Tim,
I'm glad your procedure is over and now you can start recovering. I know things have been difficult for you but your strength and courage have been an inspiration to me. You keep it real and I admire that. Hope you rest as comfortably as possible.
Shelly
I'm glad your procedure is over and now you can start recovering. I know things have been difficult for you but your strength and courage have been an inspiration to me. You keep it real and I admire that. Hope you rest as comfortably as possible.
Shelly
Big hugs from me as well Tim. Motrin doesn't work as well as Vicodin, it works better. You just can't feel it...I know, that's the part we hate..lol Hang in there bud. This too shall pass. I had a light bulb moment reading your post about your meeting..... we do what works for us. Not what works for others. Duh.
