I am a stay at home mother of four children. I have been married for fifteen years. My husband is a great father and a great provider. He is compassionate, hard working, loving, generous and above all faithful. He is loved by many at work and at home. I love him very much and I do believe he is my soul mate. Unfortunately he happens to be a functioning alcoholic. His addiction is destroying his life, our marriage, our friendships and our future together as a family. I am heartbroken and torn up trying to figure out ways to deal with his consumption that has escalated out of control. Back when we met, we were just kids. I was eighteen and he was 21. We were in love and we were committed to starting a family of our own. I was pregnant with our first and I remember telling him that he has an addiction problem. He threatened to leave me should I attempt to curb his appetite for alcohol. I chose to stay partly because I was madly in love and partly because I was pregnant with our first. He promised that should alcohol ever become a major issue, he would go cold turkey. That never happened yet. I am devastated.
What started out as a mild consumption of wine and beer quickly escalated into hardcore consumption of vodka and tradittional brandy, his favourite drink. He says its in his genetics to drink brandy. I beg to defer. He drinks everyday after work and when he gets time off which is only four days a month, he binges. He makes all sorts of excuses for his binges. He blames it on the hard lifestyle, the size of our family, his past (his father died in the war), people etc. When he gets too drunk, he stumbles and falls and passes out on the floor. I have to carry him to bed and make sure he stays there. Lately, he cannot even make it to the bathroom in time. I will admit that does not happen often but when it does, I have to clean up the mess after him. The kids are used to seeing their father drunk. Lately, we have been fighting a lot and its heartbreaking to see the children witness it all. Worst part about it is that in the morning, he does not remember a thing. He is very apologetic and promises to change his ways. He would try to go cold turkey for a week or make a schedule for himself but that only lasts a short while before he falls back on his habit. During the time he is sober, he is amazing. It feels like I got my man back. He says stress and work causes him to binge. I dont think so. I think he is making up excuses after excuses after excuses ... Last year, he even gathered the kids and told them that he is an alcoholic and that he would get help. I thought it was wrong for him to involve them but maybe he hit rock bottom. Nope, he was back to drinking a week later.
I offered help, I scheduled vacations for him to Europe thinking he needs time off and I will take care of the family while he goes there to relax and get some closure. Nothing helped. When he came back, he drank even harder. When friends visit us, he drinks to the point where he needs to be carried off to bed. When we visit friends, I am always the designated driver. I am so embarrassed as a wife to apologize on his behalf. His mother and brother have both warned him about his addiction. Everyone knows he has a problem except him.
Today was the final straw. We went out for dinner for the first time in a very long time. I could tell he drank too much and told him to stop before he made a fool of himself. This is when he got very verbally abusive towards me in front of our friends. I was so hurt and embarrassed and although we ended the evening on a high note, I could never look at him the same way again. On the way home, he would refuse to wear the seat belt and started banging on the dash. I told him I would leave him. He started crying and tried opening the door while we were driving on the highway screaming he wanted to commit suicide. I had to stop the vehicle, put the emergency lights on and wrestle with his seat belt. Now he is sleeping and tomorrow, he probably wont recall a thing. He will most likely try to apologize and act all nice and make us all feel sorry for him. He will fake an illness and blame it all on stress and work.
I dont know what to do anymore. I have no family help, nowhere to go. I have moments where I want to work things out for the sake of the kids and moments where I just want to run away. I do not want the children to hate me. They are my everything. I hate suffering in silence which is the reason why I am writing on this forum. Every time I threaten my husband with divorce, he tells me to go ahead and find someone like him. It hurts me so much that he does not see the real issue. To the outside world, we are a well adjusted middle class family. I feel like my life is falling apart and I can honestly say, I have never felt more vulnerable before. I really dont know what to do. I feel torn apart.
hi Welcome. you can try al anon and if you are unable to attend face to face meetings you can find some at stepchat.com...good luck
He needs to fix himself. Do not talk about his problems while he is drunk - your example while driving. He may go on a rant every time you bring it up - in order to make you stop talk and never get to the point you want to make.
Its OK for the kids to see it. You need to stop covering it up for him - enabling him to get away with his behavior. If you can, suggest a separation, you have hit your bottom. you need out.
do not be embarrassed for him. no one is going to blame you. they all can see that he has a problem.
Go to AlAnon to start learning how to stop enabling his behavior and get YOUR life back.
Don't worry about the kids and what others think. they will be happy to see you taking care of yourself.
Its OK for the kids to see it. You need to stop covering it up for him - enabling him to get away with his behavior. If you can, suggest a separation, you have hit your bottom. you need out.
do not be embarrassed for him. no one is going to blame you. they all can see that he has a problem.
Go to AlAnon to start learning how to stop enabling his behavior and get YOUR life back.
Don't worry about the kids and what others think. they will be happy to see you taking care of yourself.
Hi, I'm sorry what you have to put up with. When I was a child I grew up with a dad that liked a drink after work. Once a week he would come home really drunk. I would watch the clock on nights that I knew he would be home in a state. I would go to bed and hide under the covers so I wouldn't have to see him or hear him. Thank God it was just once a week because I don't think I could have handled more. While my older brother laughed at my dads stupidity it scared my younger brother and I. I use to beg my mom to leave him and I would picture in my mind a dad that didn't drink and what that would be like. The kids don't let you see how this really affects them but it does. My younger brother and I got where we hated him and until the day he died we had a very distant relationship with him because of his drinking. I don't know how old your kids are but it will be affecting them having to suffer living with a dad like this. It's easy enough to say leave him. But it's hard when he's the bread winner. I understand that...Where do you go and how do you afford to stay without his help. Maybe you should try taking a video of him when he's in a state. When he wets himself don't clean it up leave it for him to clean. Let him fall asleep where he lands. The kids already know he's a drunk so your really not hiding anything they don't already know. Maybe that will be his wake up call. Stop helping him. Copy these posts and show him what he's losing. Memories are with you forever and he is making sad ones for you and his kids. I'm sorry your life is sad like this. Try and go to a couple of al-anon meetings they'll help you and give you advice. I wish you better days and hope he straightens up. Take care. Mary.
Let me start by saying I am sorry that addiction has touched your life! It is sucky (for lack of a better word) for the addict and the families that love them. I'm sorry for what you are going through!
There is no doubt, your husband is NOT a functioning alcoholic. He is, by your account, escalating his drinking to the point of not remembering events, he binge drinks, cannot stay sober, breaks his promises, passes out on the floor in front of his children and humiliates you in front of your friends. THAT is NOT functioning at all! His illness is obviously very out of hand and holding a job is not the only measure of functioning. In all other aspects, he is barely functional!
It must be very scary when you are the stay at home parent with four kids who depend on you. The math I did (with you being married 15 years when you were pregnant with your first) means your oldest child is only 15. While I agree that you should not lie and cover for his behavior, when young children are involved, different rules apply. Children should NEVER be brought into adult problems. Exposing them to the chaos of having an active alcoholic in the house is confusing and frightening for children. You absolutely must be a fiduciary for your children and their needs and emotional well being must come first. If they are ever in the house when he is drunk, your husband could cause accidents that could cause your children injury or death. It only takes a second (perhaps you jump in for a quick shower) for an accident to happen. He could fall down the stairs while holding one of the kids or lash out in anger.
I think it is imperative for you to send him packing...either rehab or out. I am a recovering addict and my husband did this to me. There was a time when I was out of my house and unable to see my daughter. That separation was actually instrumental in my recovery. My husband made the gut wrenching choice that, though he did love me, the emotional and physical well being of our daughter was more important.
I implore you to reach out to either a qualified therapist, an al-anon group, clergy or a shelter. Anything you have to do to find support for you and your children.
There is nothing you can do to make your husband want to recover. He will promise you over and over he will stop...and he won't. He has been promising you for 15 years to get help. It is time to admit he is not going to be true to his word. He may want to, be but his addiction will not allow him. I urge you to read about enabling and co-dependency. There are groups, in person and online, that can lead you to a healthier life.
I would also begin preparing yourself to take over in his absence. If he chooses the booze and you make him leave, or hopefully checks himself into rehab, be sure you have access to the bank accounts, passwords to any online banking, your kids' birth certificates and social security cards and any health insurance information.
No matter what happens, please, please get help for your kids! Children have an uncanny way of thinking everything is their fault. This world of addiction is hard to travel for adults...imagine trying to do it as a child! I am in no way telling you to keep his alcoholism a secret, but there are ways to explain addiction that are age-appropriate and at the same time reassure them that it is not their fault and that their father still loves them.
Good luck! Just remember, that sometimes, in spite of ourselves, we do get better. There are ways to be hopeful without your life falling to pieces if that hope fails to materialize!
Sorry for the long post. I hope that everything works out for you! Keep reading here...there are some great posters here who have made a huge difference in my recovery in the short time I have been here. Constantine, Duchesschama, Hurtingmom, Bugginme, NytoFlorida, Plopez,Bonnie5...I know I am missing people but if you start with the ones mentioned, you will gain a ton of insight and strength! Sending all the good vibes I can muster you way!!!!!!!!!!
There is no doubt, your husband is NOT a functioning alcoholic. He is, by your account, escalating his drinking to the point of not remembering events, he binge drinks, cannot stay sober, breaks his promises, passes out on the floor in front of his children and humiliates you in front of your friends. THAT is NOT functioning at all! His illness is obviously very out of hand and holding a job is not the only measure of functioning. In all other aspects, he is barely functional!
It must be very scary when you are the stay at home parent with four kids who depend on you. The math I did (with you being married 15 years when you were pregnant with your first) means your oldest child is only 15. While I agree that you should not lie and cover for his behavior, when young children are involved, different rules apply. Children should NEVER be brought into adult problems. Exposing them to the chaos of having an active alcoholic in the house is confusing and frightening for children. You absolutely must be a fiduciary for your children and their needs and emotional well being must come first. If they are ever in the house when he is drunk, your husband could cause accidents that could cause your children injury or death. It only takes a second (perhaps you jump in for a quick shower) for an accident to happen. He could fall down the stairs while holding one of the kids or lash out in anger.
I think it is imperative for you to send him packing...either rehab or out. I am a recovering addict and my husband did this to me. There was a time when I was out of my house and unable to see my daughter. That separation was actually instrumental in my recovery. My husband made the gut wrenching choice that, though he did love me, the emotional and physical well being of our daughter was more important.
I implore you to reach out to either a qualified therapist, an al-anon group, clergy or a shelter. Anything you have to do to find support for you and your children.
There is nothing you can do to make your husband want to recover. He will promise you over and over he will stop...and he won't. He has been promising you for 15 years to get help. It is time to admit he is not going to be true to his word. He may want to, be but his addiction will not allow him. I urge you to read about enabling and co-dependency. There are groups, in person and online, that can lead you to a healthier life.
I would also begin preparing yourself to take over in his absence. If he chooses the booze and you make him leave, or hopefully checks himself into rehab, be sure you have access to the bank accounts, passwords to any online banking, your kids' birth certificates and social security cards and any health insurance information.
No matter what happens, please, please get help for your kids! Children have an uncanny way of thinking everything is their fault. This world of addiction is hard to travel for adults...imagine trying to do it as a child! I am in no way telling you to keep his alcoholism a secret, but there are ways to explain addiction that are age-appropriate and at the same time reassure them that it is not their fault and that their father still loves them.
Good luck! Just remember, that sometimes, in spite of ourselves, we do get better. There are ways to be hopeful without your life falling to pieces if that hope fails to materialize!
Sorry for the long post. I hope that everything works out for you! Keep reading here...there are some great posters here who have made a huge difference in my recovery in the short time I have been here. Constantine, Duchesschama, Hurtingmom, Bugginme, NytoFlorida, Plopez,Bonnie5...I know I am missing people but if you start with the ones mentioned, you will gain a ton of insight and strength! Sending all the good vibes I can muster you way!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Broken - I know for me, when I was in this same type of relationship I became so lost that all I could do was try to constantly manage the insanity of it all. I kept doing the same thing over and over expecting things to change....fixing, covering up, cleaning up the alcoholics messes, fighting, arguing, threatening....i became just as sick as the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease . Your husband is powerless over it and you are powerless over your husband and his choices, actions. I needed help in learning how to regain a sense of sanity for myself and my child. I didn't have the tools to do that, I just didn't know how.i went to ala non meetings. Listening to how others, who were in the same famuliar boat as i was, find new ways of getting out of the insanity gave me hope and it also let me know I wasnt alone. People understood exactly how I felt and they gave me a new set of eyeballs.. Take good care. I truly hope it all works out for all of you.
