I have been with my husband for 23 years and for the last 15 he has had an addiction to meth. We were separated when he started using and it continued for 3 years without me knowing anything. He's the only addict I've ever been around so I had no idea what the signs were. He told me he stopped and I believed him until he was caught by one of my relatives. he then decided that it was time to stop using. I believe he was clean for years. Before Christmas last year everyone noticed he was losing weight and staying up at night and he was always wanting to stay in the garage the whole day when he was home. Everytime I mentioned him using again he said he was not so I believed him. I went to the garage one morning in June when he had been out there a few hours and caught him in the middle of smoking.i decided to move out until he busted the pipe, handed me what was left and said he wouldn't do it again that he was done. He has passed drug tests I've given him but I still have that gut feeling that something isn't right. I thought his behavior would get better but everything is still the same. Is it possible he could have switched to something else and how common is it for that to happen? I still don't know if he and it's strange that his snoring has stopped come tell. It has always been so bad I had to sleep with cotton in my ears. It was also that bad during his use which could have been faked.
Mom3,
My 20yr old daughter is a heroin/opiates addict. I was once married to a very dark, hurtful person, physical & emotional abuse while pregnant. He began to sell drugs to kids! Other than that I haven't had a drug addiction situation in my life....
My heart goes out to you & the emotional turmoil you find yourself in. You have three kids? What are their ages? They are who's well being I would put first...
but to your question about your husband using...You basically said three times in your post, although not directly, that he is showing the same behaviors, physically different with sleep & snoring, spending a lot of time alone, your relative 'caught him' and then you did too. You stated the obvious.
Is it weed? If so, it might not be worth throwing away 23 yrs together. From my reading on here & my daughter's actions, I'd say would not be uncommon for him to try a different or lesser drug, or a couple or few at a time.
My daughter has used meth (substituted for H) , weed, Percocet 30, Vicodin, now I hear, acid once & a few other gems. Rolling eyes, here. My daughter's nose was always running, had headaches a LOT, was awake at weird hours, sleep through the day, didn't eat, and so on...
She never wanted to be here with the family. Always needed to get out of the house or she acted like a caged animal.
However, if it's meth, heroin, opiates, etc...I would say that it's much more serious. Beyond that , it will produce a very unhealthy living situation for your kids & you. They do grow up & mimic the behaviors they see in their formative years. I'm no sociologist. lol But, I've had three kids & left the first husband so my son didn't grow up beating on women.
So you gotta think long & hard about that. How is it affecting them?
Hang in there Mom3.
I hope you keep posting. I would have gone NUTS! If not for this board & the wonderful people on here.
You will fit right in~ :).
Love & God bless you,
Dee
My 20yr old daughter is a heroin/opiates addict. I was once married to a very dark, hurtful person, physical & emotional abuse while pregnant. He began to sell drugs to kids! Other than that I haven't had a drug addiction situation in my life....
My heart goes out to you & the emotional turmoil you find yourself in. You have three kids? What are their ages? They are who's well being I would put first...
but to your question about your husband using...You basically said three times in your post, although not directly, that he is showing the same behaviors, physically different with sleep & snoring, spending a lot of time alone, your relative 'caught him' and then you did too. You stated the obvious.
Is it weed? If so, it might not be worth throwing away 23 yrs together. From my reading on here & my daughter's actions, I'd say would not be uncommon for him to try a different or lesser drug, or a couple or few at a time.
My daughter has used meth (substituted for H) , weed, Percocet 30, Vicodin, now I hear, acid once & a few other gems. Rolling eyes, here. My daughter's nose was always running, had headaches a LOT, was awake at weird hours, sleep through the day, didn't eat, and so on...
She never wanted to be here with the family. Always needed to get out of the house or she acted like a caged animal.
However, if it's meth, heroin, opiates, etc...I would say that it's much more serious. Beyond that , it will produce a very unhealthy living situation for your kids & you. They do grow up & mimic the behaviors they see in their formative years. I'm no sociologist. lol But, I've had three kids & left the first husband so my son didn't grow up beating on women.
So you gotta think long & hard about that. How is it affecting them?
Hang in there Mom3.
I hope you keep posting. I would have gone NUTS! If not for this board & the wonderful people on here.
You will fit right in~ :).
Love & God bless you,
Dee
Thanks for your response My husband has a problem with meth, but he says he hasnt used anymore. His behavior other than his sleep has become almost unbearable. I suffered from depression after the first time he was using because of the physical abuse and I feel like I'm headed into depression again. This time he physical abusive just mentally/emotionally which gets real bad at times. I usually get put down, blamed for everything that goes wrong and I'm always blamed for his bad mood. Just tonight I was yelled at for asking to get something to eat. I was called everything Imaginable and told that we (my kids and I) do nothing but sit here and run the bills up and that we are just about done and that I could get a divorce. My kids are 22, 17, 15. My oldest has moved out already and he did do a lot of he same things as his dad at one point. My younger 2 have grown to hate their dad. I just feel confused. Apparently it's my fault he got back on meth too or thats what he tells me.
Mom3,
I'd hoped for better for you & your kids. I'm sorry things are so bad. You know they will get worse before they ever get better. Meth is very bad.
Thankfully, your kids are close to being grown. When they leave, you will be let with an abusive husband.
You deserve better for your kids & yourself. Maybe the younger kids won't be like their dad. I'm sorry. I know this hugely controls your moods & depression.
You gotta reach for the light! You can do it. Things will most likely get far worse before they get better.
Have a good night.
Love & God bless you,
Dee
I'd hoped for better for you & your kids. I'm sorry things are so bad. You know they will get worse before they ever get better. Meth is very bad.
Thankfully, your kids are close to being grown. When they leave, you will be let with an abusive husband.
You deserve better for your kids & yourself. Maybe the younger kids won't be like their dad. I'm sorry. I know this hugely controls your moods & depression.
You gotta reach for the light! You can do it. Things will most likely get far worse before they get better.
Have a good night.
Love & God bless you,
Dee
am I being too harsh to say If he is talking divorce, take him up on the offer. You and your kids should leave while you still have your sanity. My daughter and my son were addicts. My daughter is doing ok now- has been clean 3 years, and my son is in his first year of recovery. Between the two we were battling the drug behavior for 5-6 years. First one and then the other.
It is a nightmare existence. Emotionally and financially draining. In NarAnon when parents are dealing with their kids, one of the first things we are told is to kick the kid out. No living at home if they are using. Etc. It is hard to do, but easier to do when they are abusive.
Considering he blames you for everything, I would start planning an escape.
It is a nightmare existence. Emotionally and financially draining. In NarAnon when parents are dealing with their kids, one of the first things we are told is to kick the kid out. No living at home if they are using. Etc. It is hard to do, but easier to do when they are abusive.
Considering he blames you for everything, I would start planning an escape.
Mom3,
Sad to hear your story and I know exactly what you're talking about, unfortunately.
I'm not sure how much you got involved in groups for family members or therapy and how much research you have done over the years but I think information is key. If you don't understand the disease it will drive you insane and you will unknowingly contribute to the progress of your husband's disease. Coming here will help you a lot too.
I'll share with you a few of my most important "notes to self", hopefully they can help you.
Nobody is guilty! It is a disease.
He is not responsible for it, you ARE NOT responsible for it, but he is responsible for his recovery if and when he chooses to. You are responsible for yours, beacause we get very sick too.
They do anything to protect their disease, blame others, find excuses, anything, until they are ready to admit that the drugs are the cause of it all and surrender.
I cannot change another human being.
What we can do is inspire change by changing ourselves. It takes a lot of work and patience but I see the change in dinamic when, despite my fears, I up and go exercise, to the movies, to therapy. It makes my partner think, and sometimes that is a huge progress.
Communicate calmly and frankly.
Let him know how you feel. When the time it right deliver your message setting your boundaries, over and over again. They eventually understand we know what we're saying and mean it. But be confident you can follow trough. Do not engage when he is being aggressive, verbally or physicaly - nothing good will ever come out of it. Tell yourself it is not him but the drug talking, choose not to listen. If you feel safe to do so, when he is sober, tell him he is abusive so that when he is being abusive you can point it out, and he will notice and hopefully stop. Only if you know it's safe!
Trust your instincts.
When it comes to whether he is using or not, if you think/feel he is, he most likely is. But don't make it about the drugs, rather focus on the behaviour. They go hand in hand but his drug use should be his business but his behaviour, he owes you respect.
It is ok to not know what to do.
Don't pressure yourself into making any important decision before you feel ready. Only we know when the time is right.
Thank you for letting me share, I'm helping myself trying to help you. I hope he sees the light.
Sad to hear your story and I know exactly what you're talking about, unfortunately.
I'm not sure how much you got involved in groups for family members or therapy and how much research you have done over the years but I think information is key. If you don't understand the disease it will drive you insane and you will unknowingly contribute to the progress of your husband's disease. Coming here will help you a lot too.
I'll share with you a few of my most important "notes to self", hopefully they can help you.
Nobody is guilty! It is a disease.
He is not responsible for it, you ARE NOT responsible for it, but he is responsible for his recovery if and when he chooses to. You are responsible for yours, beacause we get very sick too.
They do anything to protect their disease, blame others, find excuses, anything, until they are ready to admit that the drugs are the cause of it all and surrender.
I cannot change another human being.
What we can do is inspire change by changing ourselves. It takes a lot of work and patience but I see the change in dinamic when, despite my fears, I up and go exercise, to the movies, to therapy. It makes my partner think, and sometimes that is a huge progress.
Communicate calmly and frankly.
Let him know how you feel. When the time it right deliver your message setting your boundaries, over and over again. They eventually understand we know what we're saying and mean it. But be confident you can follow trough. Do not engage when he is being aggressive, verbally or physicaly - nothing good will ever come out of it. Tell yourself it is not him but the drug talking, choose not to listen. If you feel safe to do so, when he is sober, tell him he is abusive so that when he is being abusive you can point it out, and he will notice and hopefully stop. Only if you know it's safe!
Trust your instincts.
When it comes to whether he is using or not, if you think/feel he is, he most likely is. But don't make it about the drugs, rather focus on the behaviour. They go hand in hand but his drug use should be his business but his behaviour, he owes you respect.
It is ok to not know what to do.
Don't pressure yourself into making any important decision before you feel ready. Only we know when the time is right.
Thank you for letting me share, I'm helping myself trying to help you. I hope he sees the light.
I think you go into a depression because you have to, in order to cope with his behavior.
NinaMaria has good advice, as I have not been in that kind of relationship. Definitely use your own judgement as to when the situation is safe or not safe.
NinaMaria has good advice, as I have not been in that kind of relationship. Definitely use your own judgement as to when the situation is safe or not safe.
Spot on NinaMarie....
Ninamaria I feel like this is something i need to remind myself of everyday. I haven't attended therapy or any support groups. This is the first one I've joined and I'm glad that I did. I've researched everything on this drug and it's effects on people, but I just have a hard time understanding why he would spend years being clean then start back using. He tells me he's been clean 2 months now but he's still so mean and nasty to me. Your "notes to self" is something I will remind myself of in hopes of keeping the little bit of sanity I have left. I have tried talking to him calmly about how his affects all of us but that gets me yelled at so yesterday(my anniversary) I decided to just start ignoring him. he threatens me with a divorce every month but he won't go get one. He says I'll take the house from him but at this point I don't want it but I think that's the only reason he wont get one.
NytoFlorida your not being harsh at all. Your right this drug is a nightmare I have told him to go ahead and get one but he never does and I'm threatened with a divorce often. I have packed up alot of my things but that's when he decides he wants us to stay. He has said he would change but the mental abuse has gotten worse. I did make him leave the day I caught him using but my son called his dad and got him to come home.m y husband has started trying to build a close relationship with our kids recently so if I left they would stay with him. I ask myself why constantly since he had absolutely nothing to do with them as they were growing up.
Mom3,
Relapses are part of the disease. My parter relapsed after many, maybe 8, years clean. Said he was so confident in his recovery that when non addict friends decided to have a fun night out he thought he could join them. We will never understand how on earth that happens and can't change it so all is left it to accept it as part of the disease. In a later stage there are signs of relaps before they reach for drugs that I found very useful to understand.
His threats of divorse are empty and so many times I've see the change in attitude when I was about to walk out the door. I say the truth to my partner: I'm not ready yet, but this isn't working and I am getting each day closer to getting a divorce myself. You are sick and need to look for help. I will always love you and I forgive you so even if we are to separate we dont need to distory each other, we can do it in a reasonable way.
In my experience, when he was trying to quit and stay clean the struggle was much greater than when using meth. I felt it was almost like he needed an outlet to his internal fight. I used to say to him - that's ok, you need me to carry a little bit of your load for you because it is too heavy!
So many times I lost it as had to pull myself back to the right state of mind, it takes practice and a lot of patience. We are at a point where my parter tells me when is is craving or if he used, I had to show him that I was on his side against the addiction and that I understood his disease as a separate thing to him, if it makes sense...Well done on starting a better communication, he will notice the change and soon enough will know you mean it. Keep it calm and honest, I'll try the same over here ;)
About your house, you're better of taking it from him or if he continues not getting help the drugs will do that and both of you will be without a roof over your heads. Your children are old enough to understand and family therapy will help. He is sick but will always be the father of your children, when he gets clean you will have to accept that he is back I guess.
Good luck for all of us!
Relapses are part of the disease. My parter relapsed after many, maybe 8, years clean. Said he was so confident in his recovery that when non addict friends decided to have a fun night out he thought he could join them. We will never understand how on earth that happens and can't change it so all is left it to accept it as part of the disease. In a later stage there are signs of relaps before they reach for drugs that I found very useful to understand.
His threats of divorse are empty and so many times I've see the change in attitude when I was about to walk out the door. I say the truth to my partner: I'm not ready yet, but this isn't working and I am getting each day closer to getting a divorce myself. You are sick and need to look for help. I will always love you and I forgive you so even if we are to separate we dont need to distory each other, we can do it in a reasonable way.
In my experience, when he was trying to quit and stay clean the struggle was much greater than when using meth. I felt it was almost like he needed an outlet to his internal fight. I used to say to him - that's ok, you need me to carry a little bit of your load for you because it is too heavy!
So many times I lost it as had to pull myself back to the right state of mind, it takes practice and a lot of patience. We are at a point where my parter tells me when is is craving or if he used, I had to show him that I was on his side against the addiction and that I understood his disease as a separate thing to him, if it makes sense...Well done on starting a better communication, he will notice the change and soon enough will know you mean it. Keep it calm and honest, I'll try the same over here ;)
About your house, you're better of taking it from him or if he continues not getting help the drugs will do that and both of you will be without a roof over your heads. Your children are old enough to understand and family therapy will help. He is sick but will always be the father of your children, when he gets clean you will have to accept that he is back I guess.
Good luck for all of us!
