Hi everyone,
I'm not new to addiction, but pain pills are my demon and I post over there.
However, I don't know how to help someone near and dear to me and that is my sister in law/best friend. Just a little history. She lives in WI and I live in AZ.
But I married her brother and we lived in WI for 18 years and we became very close. Her name is Lisa.
I beleive she is a chronic alcoholic, she drinks everyday, maybe six days a week and then one day will be spent laying on the couch all day.
Back before I had kids (my eldest is sixteen), we used to drink alot together. She had a husband that drank alot, went out alot, and she'd pay him back by doing the same thing. Its really sad, they have three kids, they're now 21, 19 and 13. The two eldest are boys. When they were little and Lisa and her husband were together, these boys saw things that no kid should ever see. They'd wake up in the morning to mom and dad half naked lying on the floor passed out. This happened several times. She always blamed her husband for her drinking. Then he left her and they eventually divorced. She now has been with a wonderful guy for the past ten years. He's done everything he can think of to help her. He and I are the closest people to her.
She's been scaring me as of late tho with things she's been doing and doesn't remember, and bad things too, like hurting herself, falling, getting black eyes from falling on her face. Her health is really bad too. She's 42 and her doctor told her flat out that if she didn't stop drinking and smoking she would not live to see fifty. I'm scared for her, she's scared for herself I can tell.
She buys a 30 pack of busch lite everyday, or everyother day, depending, but she's always drinking. In fact, I take into account the time difference between us and will only call her before noon, because I know she starts at about 11 and I don't like to talk to her drunk.
Can you guys give me some ideas of ways that perhaps I can give her a little "nudge" in the direction of at least thinking about stopping? I know at her level that slowing down and controlling it is not an option, its just that I love her very much and don't want to lose her. Last year, my daughter and I went to visit her for 2 weeks. When her and her bf picked us up at the airport, she had a big travel mug full of canadian mist. She can't go anywhere without it.
When they took us to the airport to leave, the trip time including waiting with us till it was time to go thru security, drive and all, would have been approx. two hours, she had a cooler full of beer and ice to take with her just for that small trip, had about nine beers in it.
I'm going to be fifty this year and she's 42. I used to be able to drink and almost keep up with her, but it seemed for me (and I am addicted to pain meds, but wasn't then) that as I got into my early forties that my body just couldn't handle the alcohol anymore. I'd get so sick the next day that it simply wasn't worth it. I had hoped that that would happen to her. So far it hasn't. Even tho we don't live near each other anymore, we talk everyday and last year when I saw her, it had been two years since I'd seen her last and I felt like crying. She is a beautiful girl. She had gained weight, but not healthy chubby, she was like bloated, her face, particularly around her nose, looked very veiny to me, and there were things that just didn't look good with her.
Also, about four or five years ago she spent 90 days in jail because of her third or fourth dui. She was adamant about not getting another and refused to drive, but I've noticed and her bf has told me too, that lately she's getting lax on that, just making short trips if he won't take her to get beer or cigs, or if he won't take her to the local bar for a few. So now she's chancing major legal problems because if she gets caught again, even tho five years or so have passed, she will get into major trouble.
Anything that you guys can tell me would be appreciated, like I said I love her very much and do not want to lose her.
Thanks,
Briar
YGM it better be the right address. LOL I am sick of typing all day today. BLA BLA BLA freakin people never answer the phone anymore. Its all e-mailing. I hate it.
Jeff
Jeff
Hi Briar,
I am sorry but I am finding it hard to think of any constructive advice that I could offer. Your friend sounds very reliant on alcohol and that relationship is one that only she can break - if she wants to that is.
I would like to be able to say do this that and the other but there is no magic solution. Alcohol is incredibly powerful. Unless she wants out of the place she is in then nothing in the world that you or anyone else can do or say will make a blind bit of difference.
Sorry I can't be of more use. Hopefully someone else will have some proper advice.
I am sorry but I am finding it hard to think of any constructive advice that I could offer. Your friend sounds very reliant on alcohol and that relationship is one that only she can break - if she wants to that is.
I would like to be able to say do this that and the other but there is no magic solution. Alcohol is incredibly powerful. Unless she wants out of the place she is in then nothing in the world that you or anyone else can do or say will make a blind bit of difference.
Sorry I can't be of more use. Hopefully someone else will have some proper advice.
Gidday Briar
The only thing you can do is maybe get together with her husband and kids see what they are feeling and thinking and then as a group go and talk with her you could also maybe get a counsellor to help giuide you all through the process and sit in on the intervention.
Or else if all fails she will end up in jail or hopefully sent to a detox programme through the courts, i dont know how the system works over in the states but maybe you could talk to someone in a position that does know what will happen next dui also this information will help at an intervention.
Whatever happens ther are major changes ahead and all her family have to be prepared to either help if she goes on a detox programme or step back if she is drinking.
You and her husband are going to have to information share as she will be telling you one thing and him another and do you and her husband get along ok?
Also check out some Alanon meetings for her hubby and also the kids if they are interested and also for you as im sure there will be info there that will be helpful in getting her help as well
Hey Briar these are only my random thoughts on it and someone else may have more detailed information all the best Briar and pray for her and also for strength for yourself because whatever goes down ther will be good and bad so start putting away some gratitude for a rainy day:)
Light and love Zac
The only thing you can do is maybe get together with her husband and kids see what they are feeling and thinking and then as a group go and talk with her you could also maybe get a counsellor to help giuide you all through the process and sit in on the intervention.
Or else if all fails she will end up in jail or hopefully sent to a detox programme through the courts, i dont know how the system works over in the states but maybe you could talk to someone in a position that does know what will happen next dui also this information will help at an intervention.
Whatever happens ther are major changes ahead and all her family have to be prepared to either help if she goes on a detox programme or step back if she is drinking.
You and her husband are going to have to information share as she will be telling you one thing and him another and do you and her husband get along ok?
Also check out some Alanon meetings for her hubby and also the kids if they are interested and also for you as im sure there will be info there that will be helpful in getting her help as well
Hey Briar these are only my random thoughts on it and someone else may have more detailed information all the best Briar and pray for her and also for strength for yourself because whatever goes down ther will be good and bad so start putting away some gratitude for a rainy day:)
Light and love Zac
Thanks guys,
Hey zac, the next time you post it will be your post number 1000! Hopefully its to me.
Her fiancee and I get along great, have for years, we're good friends and since I moved away, I call him or he calls me at least once every few weeks to compare notes and you are absoloutely right, she tells me one thing and tells him another about the same incident. Like when she fell "up" the stairs, there were two conflicting stories about that and alot of other things.
The thing with her kids is sad, her two oldest are boys, 21 and 19, the oldest just got out of jail from a barfight and from warrants, etc. and the 19 year old has been a dad since he was 16. These are the two that are incredibly messed up, the oldest I beleive is an alcoholic, one of the ones (like my husband, who hasn't drank in 15 years) that goes crazy when he drinks. If there was one thing you could depend on when my husband drank, was that either he would end up in jail, or he would end up in jail and someone would go to the hospital. I mean he'd get drunk and go ballistic. Thats how her oldest son is. But with my husband, it took me to take the kids and leave (years ago) before he stopped. he went to treatment and was clean for about 8 months before we reunited.
I just couldn't bring my kids up in that environment. He was never abusive to us, but the trouble he got in was crazy.
You guys are right, until she wants to stop, she won't, but I know her well enough to know that she does, just doesn't know what to do and is too stubburn to ask for help in stopping. I also firmly beleive that she is so bad that there is no way that she physically can stop without going thru dts and I'm pretty sure that one has to be pretty chronic to go thru dt's, is that right?
Jeff, I'm going to check my email now. Thanks again guys, I think I'm going to start reading here more. Also, maybe I'll try to turn her onto this site and she can post away, with me, at first when I joined the pain pills, I was very honest and open on it because I didn't care, I didn't know anyone and if I didn't like what they said, I could just turn off the computer. Since tho, I have developed many good friendships on there that I truly treasure. Its probably that way over here too.
Briar
Hey zac, the next time you post it will be your post number 1000! Hopefully its to me.
Her fiancee and I get along great, have for years, we're good friends and since I moved away, I call him or he calls me at least once every few weeks to compare notes and you are absoloutely right, she tells me one thing and tells him another about the same incident. Like when she fell "up" the stairs, there were two conflicting stories about that and alot of other things.
The thing with her kids is sad, her two oldest are boys, 21 and 19, the oldest just got out of jail from a barfight and from warrants, etc. and the 19 year old has been a dad since he was 16. These are the two that are incredibly messed up, the oldest I beleive is an alcoholic, one of the ones (like my husband, who hasn't drank in 15 years) that goes crazy when he drinks. If there was one thing you could depend on when my husband drank, was that either he would end up in jail, or he would end up in jail and someone would go to the hospital. I mean he'd get drunk and go ballistic. Thats how her oldest son is. But with my husband, it took me to take the kids and leave (years ago) before he stopped. he went to treatment and was clean for about 8 months before we reunited.
I just couldn't bring my kids up in that environment. He was never abusive to us, but the trouble he got in was crazy.
You guys are right, until she wants to stop, she won't, but I know her well enough to know that she does, just doesn't know what to do and is too stubburn to ask for help in stopping. I also firmly beleive that she is so bad that there is no way that she physically can stop without going thru dts and I'm pretty sure that one has to be pretty chronic to go thru dt's, is that right?
Jeff, I'm going to check my email now. Thanks again guys, I think I'm going to start reading here more. Also, maybe I'll try to turn her onto this site and she can post away, with me, at first when I joined the pain pills, I was very honest and open on it because I didn't care, I didn't know anyone and if I didn't like what they said, I could just turn off the computer. Since tho, I have developed many good friendships on there that I truly treasure. Its probably that way over here too.
Briar
There's PLENTY you can do--and it's my guess that she's absolutely aware of her addiction and stuck on the track. She's probably thinking that, now that her off-spring doesn't need her anymore, she's got nothing worth staying sober for. Depression is next--if it isn't there already--and poisoning, et all.
Consider a voluntary entry into rehab. Go with her to a rehab outpatient introduction. Accompany her to her first Open AA meeting and as many as she needs to feel comfortable. Consider a forced intervention. Above all, STOP ENABLING HER ADDICTION! As long as there are no bottoms she'll continue to sink.
I strongly suggest that YOU sit through a couple episodes of "Intervention," on A & E television (arts and entertainment) and my guess is that you'll see someone very similar to your concerns. Addiction is the same--it's a behavioral thing that isn't EVER gonna get fixed by continuing in the same manner expecting different results. Many programs consider the "Significant Emotional Event''-- a life changing action, to be the only thing that will grab an addict's attendion. The programs are very similar and the DO work. There are MANY alcoholics that walk into AA EVERY DAY shaking, scared, belligerent and nervous, that leave in an hour with a new hope and a sense of belonging. And it's free, too. All we have to do is KEEP COMING BACK.
If you would like more info read through some of these threads. I am an Alcoholic who'd been drinking volumes for years, fully functional, etc. I've never shared my story, but there are bits of it here and there. VW Girl is a steadfast member here and she's got tons of experience, as does Zac and the others. You can e-mail me (or have HER e-mail me) and I'll give you my phone number if you want to talk, too. It's a simple program that has saved thousands of addictive personalities, and alcoholics, from ourselves.
Consider a voluntary entry into rehab. Go with her to a rehab outpatient introduction. Accompany her to her first Open AA meeting and as many as she needs to feel comfortable. Consider a forced intervention. Above all, STOP ENABLING HER ADDICTION! As long as there are no bottoms she'll continue to sink.
I strongly suggest that YOU sit through a couple episodes of "Intervention," on A & E television (arts and entertainment) and my guess is that you'll see someone very similar to your concerns. Addiction is the same--it's a behavioral thing that isn't EVER gonna get fixed by continuing in the same manner expecting different results. Many programs consider the "Significant Emotional Event''-- a life changing action, to be the only thing that will grab an addict's attendion. The programs are very similar and the DO work. There are MANY alcoholics that walk into AA EVERY DAY shaking, scared, belligerent and nervous, that leave in an hour with a new hope and a sense of belonging. And it's free, too. All we have to do is KEEP COMING BACK.
If you would like more info read through some of these threads. I am an Alcoholic who'd been drinking volumes for years, fully functional, etc. I've never shared my story, but there are bits of it here and there. VW Girl is a steadfast member here and she's got tons of experience, as does Zac and the others. You can e-mail me (or have HER e-mail me) and I'll give you my phone number if you want to talk, too. It's a simple program that has saved thousands of addictive personalities, and alcoholics, from ourselves.
Briar...
Just a suggestion but you could buy her a Big Book to read....it's a wealth of information and shares the solution to alcoholism...
God bless,
Stacey
Just a suggestion but you could buy her a Big Book to read....it's a wealth of information and shares the solution to alcoholism...
God bless,
Stacey
Well, yeah, there's that, too.
:)
Good point, Stacey.
:)
Good point, Stacey.
