I went to a meeting tonight. It was okay. I wanted to share but couldn't get my hand up. I always think what I have to say is stupid. Everybody seemed to be in bad spirits, so troubled. I was pretty happy. I had a nice holiday, quiet, sober. I felt like it they would have hated me if I said I was happy.
Then I got home and it was like somebody flicked a switch. I was so pissed off for no reason. It had nothing to do with the meeting. Maybe it's PAWS or menopaws, I don't know. Maybe cause I have to be in work at 7am. Anyway just my thought for the day.
Alice, this time of the year is the worst time of the year for many in the rooms. Some people are on edge in ways that may be hard to imagine. Just a few thoughts:
1. You have a right to be happy even if someone else there is unhappy. The one with the worst mood does not have to win.
2. Most people only need one meeting a week, but they have to go to 7 to find the one they needed. In other words, they are not all going to feed you just the way you might need.
3. Those times when you are afraid to speak or feel like what you might say would not be well accepted are the times you need to share the most. As a newcomer there is no circumstance that I can imagine where you should ever be discouraged from sharing.
Meetings are largely about finding a community and that requires hanging in there even whey you don't feel like it. Your mood when you got home might offer insight as to how you might approach your next meeting differently. Essentially, we go to those meetings in hopes of getting something that helps us avoid undesirable behavior when we get home. It is our responsibility to take the action to achieve that.
Hang in there, Alice. Everything is unfolding for you exactly as it should.
August
PS: How are things going with your sponsor?
1. You have a right to be happy even if someone else there is unhappy. The one with the worst mood does not have to win.
2. Most people only need one meeting a week, but they have to go to 7 to find the one they needed. In other words, they are not all going to feed you just the way you might need.
3. Those times when you are afraid to speak or feel like what you might say would not be well accepted are the times you need to share the most. As a newcomer there is no circumstance that I can imagine where you should ever be discouraged from sharing.
Meetings are largely about finding a community and that requires hanging in there even whey you don't feel like it. Your mood when you got home might offer insight as to how you might approach your next meeting differently. Essentially, we go to those meetings in hopes of getting something that helps us avoid undesirable behavior when we get home. It is our responsibility to take the action to achieve that.
Hang in there, Alice. Everything is unfolding for you exactly as it should.
August
PS: How are things going with your sponsor?
A. West - You are a gentleman and a scholar.
Thanks for your kind words. I feel there is noone I can talk to. I don't want to post everything here. So many people read this stuff.
I only spoke to the potential sponser one time. I don't know her well enough to let out all of my feelings. She is a stranger to me. I will call her again and make an effort to get to know her better.
At home I'm told I'm supported but he gets uncomfortable or annoyed when I bring stuff up. He tells me I'm always complaining and that I should focus on all I have to be grateful for. I am grateful for so much but don't I have a right to be confused or upset over things? I am sure he wouldn't notice if I started to use again.
I told a close girlfriend and she is nonjudgemental. I don't think that the average person or non-addict understands the aftermath of addiction. How is never ends even when you quit.
Its sad to have to go to a group of strangers or pay a therapist or post on-line when I have a family and friends? I feel like the invisible woman.
Last night it was discussed that there was a "pool" by some of the members that people bet on to see who would relapse first. I don't know any of those people but how and why should I open up to that? I am a very sincere person. I went into those rooms thinking that everyone else was there to get help also. I went to outpatient and found a bunch of high people one of whom was falling on the floor. It was a waste of my time. The one girl asked for my phone number. I gave it to her. I received a phone call asking me to call her mother and tell her that she lost her prescriptions. I'm like, WTF? I don't even know you. I'm not going to lie for you. I empathized for her but thought if I'm looking for help from them, I really am crazy! That has been my experience.
I'm not trying to isolate myself but I'm not getting a whole lot of support and it hurts. If I had cancer would it be this way too?
Thanks for your kind words. I feel there is noone I can talk to. I don't want to post everything here. So many people read this stuff.
I only spoke to the potential sponser one time. I don't know her well enough to let out all of my feelings. She is a stranger to me. I will call her again and make an effort to get to know her better.
At home I'm told I'm supported but he gets uncomfortable or annoyed when I bring stuff up. He tells me I'm always complaining and that I should focus on all I have to be grateful for. I am grateful for so much but don't I have a right to be confused or upset over things? I am sure he wouldn't notice if I started to use again.
I told a close girlfriend and she is nonjudgemental. I don't think that the average person or non-addict understands the aftermath of addiction. How is never ends even when you quit.
Its sad to have to go to a group of strangers or pay a therapist or post on-line when I have a family and friends? I feel like the invisible woman.
Last night it was discussed that there was a "pool" by some of the members that people bet on to see who would relapse first. I don't know any of those people but how and why should I open up to that? I am a very sincere person. I went into those rooms thinking that everyone else was there to get help also. I went to outpatient and found a bunch of high people one of whom was falling on the floor. It was a waste of my time. The one girl asked for my phone number. I gave it to her. I received a phone call asking me to call her mother and tell her that she lost her prescriptions. I'm like, WTF? I don't even know you. I'm not going to lie for you. I empathized for her but thought if I'm looking for help from them, I really am crazy! That has been my experience.
I'm not trying to isolate myself but I'm not getting a whole lot of support and it hurts. If I had cancer would it be this way too?
Its sad to have to go to a group of strangers or pay a therapist or post on-line when I have a family and friends? I feel like the invisible woman.
Alice, feeling misunderstood is the stock in trade of the addict. We all feel that way. The reasons may be explained in terms of brain chemistry, psychology or spirituality, but it does not matter. We addicts tend to feel isolated, misunderstood, and terminally unique. While each of us is entitled to our feelings, it is important to understand that succumbing to this feeling can lead to a relapse.
This is one reason that some of us are urging you to find a sponsor even if you do not feel that you click with her right away. Fact is, most sponsors will understand how you feel, and can offer an objective point of view to help guide you through these painful emotions. Sponsors can offer support that your family cannot. Sponsors are not there to be your friend, and they are not there to take the place of your family or your therapist. They are there to teach you a program of recovery to help you to learn to live without the desire to use drugs.
It is unfair to your family or friends to expect them to understand what you are going through. It would be nice if they did, but it is a luxury that most of us have had to do without. Even if they do understand, it is unlikely that they could assist with the recovery process. They love you too much to be objective. This is one reason I have spoken to Lisa as I have about the concept of enabling, but that is another subject.
Now, as to this nonsense about having pools to bet who relapses. Alice, that is part of the dark side of any group of people that meet as a community. This is a process known as leveling. You can find it in just about every high school, office, and church you attend. It is part of the dark side of the human psyche. Essentially, some people there are in a lot of pain and feel very inadequate and insecure. Rather than work a program, they level themselves to others, either by building themselves up as more than they are, or by tearing others down.
Sounds like you also have run up against the chronic relapsers, the manipulators, and those that have no intention of getting sober and are there just to satisfy a judge or a family member. So odd that you would find such poor behavior in a room full of people with substance abuse problems!
These people are sick and they need to be there, but they certainly are not displaying anything that I want. But seeing this is actually a part of the recovery process. There is a saying: If you spot it, you got it. What this means is that as we recover we tend to recognize in others some of our own bad behavior. In seeing it in others, we are transferring the behavior in hopes of ridding ourselves of it. Take it from me, the Steps work better as a method of dealing with this.
As an example, ask yourself whether you ever enlisted the aid of another to cover up your addiction, or whether you ever participated in a clique that was critical of another, or whether you ever showed up somewhere wasted on your DOC? Most of us have to acknowledge having engaged in all of this. We are trying to change all this and now this behavior looks all the more repugnant to us since we are usually also guilty to some degree.
Alice you are seeing a lot of sickness and bad behavior, but none of this is sufficient reason to avoid going to meetings. It is a good reason to check out some different meetings, and to start looking for those present that have what you want. Remember the old adage, take what you need and leave the rest.
Lastly, Alice, when I had been in the rooms quite a while, I did get cancer. I found that many people who I thought would be there for me simply faded away. It would have been easy to get some major resentments, but I knew that would only feed my disease (the cancer).
But by using the lessons I learned in recovery, I also began to see that others, those who I never could have imagined would come to my aid, did so in great abundance. I do not think I would have survived without the lessons I learned in recovery.
I want you to take it on faith from me that there is some good stuff to be found in those rooms, you just need to make an effort to find it. My early experiences with AA were very similar to yours, and I remember more than once thinking that this is ridiculous and I am never going back. Eventually, I had to begin looking for new meetings and I had to take an approach of going to one meeting at a time, and relying on the faith I had in just a few trusted advisors (the main one a therapist whom I paid to talk to me) to just put one foot in front of the other, stay sober and try to make just one more meeting. Eventually, the miracles began to show up in my life.
How about that? Your coming up on 90 days and you may not be the sickest person there! Congratulations!
I hope some of this helps. Sorry for the lengthy post. Consider it a character defect that I cannot let go of.
With great respect and concern,
August
Alice, feeling misunderstood is the stock in trade of the addict. We all feel that way. The reasons may be explained in terms of brain chemistry, psychology or spirituality, but it does not matter. We addicts tend to feel isolated, misunderstood, and terminally unique. While each of us is entitled to our feelings, it is important to understand that succumbing to this feeling can lead to a relapse.
This is one reason that some of us are urging you to find a sponsor even if you do not feel that you click with her right away. Fact is, most sponsors will understand how you feel, and can offer an objective point of view to help guide you through these painful emotions. Sponsors can offer support that your family cannot. Sponsors are not there to be your friend, and they are not there to take the place of your family or your therapist. They are there to teach you a program of recovery to help you to learn to live without the desire to use drugs.
It is unfair to your family or friends to expect them to understand what you are going through. It would be nice if they did, but it is a luxury that most of us have had to do without. Even if they do understand, it is unlikely that they could assist with the recovery process. They love you too much to be objective. This is one reason I have spoken to Lisa as I have about the concept of enabling, but that is another subject.
Now, as to this nonsense about having pools to bet who relapses. Alice, that is part of the dark side of any group of people that meet as a community. This is a process known as leveling. You can find it in just about every high school, office, and church you attend. It is part of the dark side of the human psyche. Essentially, some people there are in a lot of pain and feel very inadequate and insecure. Rather than work a program, they level themselves to others, either by building themselves up as more than they are, or by tearing others down.
Sounds like you also have run up against the chronic relapsers, the manipulators, and those that have no intention of getting sober and are there just to satisfy a judge or a family member. So odd that you would find such poor behavior in a room full of people with substance abuse problems!
These people are sick and they need to be there, but they certainly are not displaying anything that I want. But seeing this is actually a part of the recovery process. There is a saying: If you spot it, you got it. What this means is that as we recover we tend to recognize in others some of our own bad behavior. In seeing it in others, we are transferring the behavior in hopes of ridding ourselves of it. Take it from me, the Steps work better as a method of dealing with this.
As an example, ask yourself whether you ever enlisted the aid of another to cover up your addiction, or whether you ever participated in a clique that was critical of another, or whether you ever showed up somewhere wasted on your DOC? Most of us have to acknowledge having engaged in all of this. We are trying to change all this and now this behavior looks all the more repugnant to us since we are usually also guilty to some degree.
Alice you are seeing a lot of sickness and bad behavior, but none of this is sufficient reason to avoid going to meetings. It is a good reason to check out some different meetings, and to start looking for those present that have what you want. Remember the old adage, take what you need and leave the rest.
Lastly, Alice, when I had been in the rooms quite a while, I did get cancer. I found that many people who I thought would be there for me simply faded away. It would have been easy to get some major resentments, but I knew that would only feed my disease (the cancer).
But by using the lessons I learned in recovery, I also began to see that others, those who I never could have imagined would come to my aid, did so in great abundance. I do not think I would have survived without the lessons I learned in recovery.
I want you to take it on faith from me that there is some good stuff to be found in those rooms, you just need to make an effort to find it. My early experiences with AA were very similar to yours, and I remember more than once thinking that this is ridiculous and I am never going back. Eventually, I had to begin looking for new meetings and I had to take an approach of going to one meeting at a time, and relying on the faith I had in just a few trusted advisors (the main one a therapist whom I paid to talk to me) to just put one foot in front of the other, stay sober and try to make just one more meeting. Eventually, the miracles began to show up in my life.
How about that? Your coming up on 90 days and you may not be the sickest person there! Congratulations!
I hope some of this helps. Sorry for the lengthy post. Consider it a character defect that I cannot let go of.
With great respect and concern,
August
Hey A. West - The truth hurts. Sometimes a hug and a well timed, "Everything is going to be alright" is all I need to move forward...happily. Unfortunately don't always get it. Such is life.
I'm thinking that my mothers' first anniversary is coming up on the 11th. Getting together with brother's tonight. Maybe that's the reason for such a sad day. These things have a way of catching up.
I'm thinking that my mothers' first anniversary is coming up on the 11th. Getting together with brother's tonight. Maybe that's the reason for such a sad day. These things have a way of catching up.