Every since the DR vist last Friday I have felt like I did in my early days of withdrawl. I have NOT called and ask for the script, and I cant wait till Friday when his office closes, as he is the only person I every got Vic's from. I have uped my AA/NA meetings, I am going to 2 meetings a day, I am sharing and I am praying--but my body feels just like it did when I stopped these pills in September. I am racing with thoughts, my legs hurt, my stomach is upset--I just was wondering if anyone my have been through this before.
The mental side to this has been a problem for me from day 1, and I seen that early on-I need to be 1 step ahead of the game. I am REALLY trying not to call and ask for the script that was dangled in front of me--my will power is being tested every minute, of every day---
I have 139 days clean, my name is Mike and I AM an addict !!!!!!
I cant say I have any days clean yet (until today is over) But I can say great for you thats a long time. What I can say is you have been sorta an inspiration around here. me and another guy here have been going through a rouph time (as does everyone wd ing) but ppl suggested we read your posts, you kept a sorta diary. Suggested your story would really help me. I couldnt find them myself but how ironic you are here posting tonight (this was last night your posts were suggested). Maybe you can find them tho .. maybe you need to read them. Remind yourself of what you went through and that would give you stregth you need right now. You have gone a long time to turn back now. I have heard this happens tho .. usually at 30 day 90 etc that it can just pop back up and hit you like a ton of bricks.I dont know if thats true cause like I said I havent got there yet. But I do know you dont want to start back at square one do you? I am sure if you made it through the wd's this can be a breeze for you .. just set your mind to it and keep doing what you did before to get through it .. post, talk, whatever just make it!
Thanks Singlemom--NO I do not want to go back to square one--and with the help of the people on here, and AA/NA meetings---I will be ok---I stopped taking Vic's in late Sept 2004---if you look back to Sep 21 I have a VERY long post there--for the first 30 days I wrote everyday--and shared--and people here guided me to the rooms of AA/NA---My pills all came from my DR--and I had a visit with him on Friday, because I get facet blocks in my spine--and I was due for them--and he offered me a script--after I called him in Sept and told him please no more---this really is not his problem, it is mine---thats where I am today---I cant blame anyone but me---and I am not even blaming myself---I am understanding that I am different them some people, I cant take pills in a " NORMAL" way---my advice to you--and I dont really offer advice--but what has kept me doing ok up to this point is the following,
BEING HONEST---with me, with folks on here, with the great people in the rooms of NA/AA and with God....You can do this, just like I can do this, and just like the other new guy can do this---we all need each other, 1 hour, 1 day, 100 days--its all good---as long as you are Honest and Clean...
Keep Posting....
Mike
BEING HONEST---with me, with folks on here, with the great people in the rooms of NA/AA and with God....You can do this, just like I can do this, and just like the other new guy can do this---we all need each other, 1 hour, 1 day, 100 days--its all good---as long as you are Honest and Clean...
Keep Posting....
Mike
I was clean for over 60 days when I relapsed..... For those first two months, I was adamant that I would never use again. I thought it was over, I preached to people I knew about the dangers of drugs.... Then one day I had a migraine and remembered the Norco that my husband had hidden from me..... It took me about 20 minutes to get up the nerve to take them, but then I did and the addiction took off once again..... I had dental work done that next week and after that prescription I was in trouble once again.
I often wonder if the cravings will ever really go away. My husband and I were talking about triggers and I said that these last 3 weeks since I've been clean, a big trigger for me is when I hear someone taking medicine. It doesn't matter where I am, if I hear those pills rattling in that pill bottle, my mind immediately thinks "Vicodin" and I want some.
Glad you decide to post on here instead of getting that prescription filled.... Be strong.
Danni
I often wonder if the cravings will ever really go away. My husband and I were talking about triggers and I said that these last 3 weeks since I've been clean, a big trigger for me is when I hear someone taking medicine. It doesn't matter where I am, if I hear those pills rattling in that pill bottle, my mind immediately thinks "Vicodin" and I want some.
Glad you decide to post on here instead of getting that prescription filled.... Be strong.
Danni
Danni,
I have walked your road with you almost from day 1--I am so glad your around--your words are always kind, and I admire how you share.
Thanks,
Mike
I have walked your road with you almost from day 1--I am so glad your around--your words are always kind, and I admire how you share.
Thanks,
Mike
Mike,
You sound very strong. Just read and you gave me a shot of inspiration. I will be here for you if you need anything
Frank
You sound very strong. Just read and you gave me a shot of inspiration. I will be here for you if you need anything
Frank
Mike
Forgot to mention Cowgirl had Terrianne bring up that long post my first day. Now I'm not going to tell up I read it word for word but I read a lot of it. It helped me a lot.
Frank
Forgot to mention Cowgirl had Terrianne bring up that long post my first day. Now I'm not going to tell up I read it word for word but I read a lot of it. It helped me a lot.
Frank
Mike:
Thanks for sharing that and telling on yourself. I'm amazed that you're brain is creating phantom pains, I didn't know that it could happen once the drug is out of your system. Damn this disease. I'm glad you shared that for those of us who might come up against it too.
I have less time than you but it sounds like this obsession is really hanging on because you know in the back of your mind that you could if you wanted to. I've heard that some of the thrill of using drugs is the dance we do when we're about to score. Like, you might be able to look in someones medicine cabinet and see vicodin but be strong enough to walk away in that moment. But this is triggering some stresser for you, I don't know--does that make sense?
Maybe call the pharmacy that fills this and but a block on all opiates. I had to not only tell my doctor, but my insurance company too so that if I got a script I couldn't fill it. You need some type of serenity my friend--take some type of drastic action to put this down, please don't try to be superman with this.
Keep us posted!!!!
Thanks for sharing that and telling on yourself. I'm amazed that you're brain is creating phantom pains, I didn't know that it could happen once the drug is out of your system. Damn this disease. I'm glad you shared that for those of us who might come up against it too.
I have less time than you but it sounds like this obsession is really hanging on because you know in the back of your mind that you could if you wanted to. I've heard that some of the thrill of using drugs is the dance we do when we're about to score. Like, you might be able to look in someones medicine cabinet and see vicodin but be strong enough to walk away in that moment. But this is triggering some stresser for you, I don't know--does that make sense?
Maybe call the pharmacy that fills this and but a block on all opiates. I had to not only tell my doctor, but my insurance company too so that if I got a script I couldn't fill it. You need some type of serenity my friend--take some type of drastic action to put this down, please don't try to be superman with this.
Keep us posted!!!!
Sarah,
Never thought to tell the pharmacy--but I am tryign my best to not even get the script--and I can do this. I have to do this--so that I can move forward---
I am surprised also that I feel the way I do--but the mental side is a killer for me--
Mike
Never thought to tell the pharmacy--but I am tryign my best to not even get the script--and I can do this. I have to do this--so that I can move forward---
I am surprised also that I feel the way I do--but the mental side is a killer for me--
Mike
Oh for sure, the mental part is the weirdest thing about hydrocodone addiction. Quitting drinking for me carried none of the same mind screws that this thing did. It helps me to remember that its not all mind over matter, I'm not creating the crazy feelings because I'm mental all the sudden but because the drug has damaged my brain in some ways, and it will heal.
This too shall pass Mike, good job.
This too shall pass Mike, good job.
Oh my gawd... I just read your intire 'last day of vics'. At first I just read and time to time said yeah, thats me.. then I cried and cried. First I am so sorry for your loss of your nephew, and I am so so so sorry for his mother and father.. everyone. I keep going through death in my family and its so much easier to deal with high .. but now that I am not .. I dunno its all kinda hitting me really hard. Secondly wow.. you are really amazing. You have such a way with words. You should write a book, seriously. You really have a strong way with words. I dont know what else to say but thank you for doing that. The advise that everyone gave you will help me Im sure and just you posting day by day.. gives me so much strength. I can relate to so much. Really, thank you.
I was wondering tho.. you and most people keep talking about the sleeplessness .. I dropped from 20+ percs a day (and add a morphine or two in some days) to just one of each or just one the past weekend. Today nothing, whats weird is while I went through wd's from the big drop I couldnt keep my eyes open. Today I am wide awake. I felt tired this morning, really hard to stay awake.. took sudafed, prenatal vitamin,drank coffee, did yoga.. now Im completely awake. Did you not go through the sleeping at all? Just weird that I was so tired and I keep hearing from everyone else that they couldnt sleep.
I was wondering tho.. you and most people keep talking about the sleeplessness .. I dropped from 20+ percs a day (and add a morphine or two in some days) to just one of each or just one the past weekend. Today nothing, whats weird is while I went through wd's from the big drop I couldnt keep my eyes open. Today I am wide awake. I felt tired this morning, really hard to stay awake.. took sudafed, prenatal vitamin,drank coffee, did yoga.. now Im completely awake. Did you not go through the sleeping at all? Just weird that I was so tired and I keep hearing from everyone else that they couldnt sleep.
Sleeping---WOW---I have to laugh because I dont really remember what a good night sleep is all about. I know when I first started taking Vic's, they helped me sleep--as time went on they kept me awake..The entire issue with me is that I never really needed the Vic's-the day of my surgrey--when I was in recovery-they had the morphin drip in me--you know the kind you can work yourself---well I did one hit of it--got really sick--and never used it again--I remember the night nurse coming in, and looking at the drip--and she asked me how come I was not using it--well I was not in pain, and I didnt want to be sick, yet when the DR was releasing me and gave me my scripts--I seen they were for Vic's, and was like YES !!! And for almost 5 years every month or every 3 weeks he wrote me a bew script for 120 of them.
Back to sleep, I had the first few weeks of no sleep,then it got much better--just these past couple of days have been bad. I will tell you that once I was over the WD's and as time goes on--you will feel much better--not takign pills has given me a new look at life--I just am in a rut right now--but I am taking the steps I need to, not to slip---the road is long, but people here and in the rooms have showed me that it can be walked--so walking I wil do....LOL
Take Care
Mike
Back to sleep, I had the first few weeks of no sleep,then it got much better--just these past couple of days have been bad. I will tell you that once I was over the WD's and as time goes on--you will feel much better--not takign pills has given me a new look at life--I just am in a rut right now--but I am taking the steps I need to, not to slip---the road is long, but people here and in the rooms have showed me that it can be walked--so walking I wil do....LOL
Take Care
Mike
You said they kept you up .. yeah they did me too and that kinda gave me an idea.. maybe thats why when I stopped taking the 18 - 19, I hurt and all but sleep took me away .. probably because the past 2 years I never slept. I stayed up dang near every night cleaning and what not cause "thats my time when the kids are in bed" (an excuse to keep taking them). So after all this time of flying high I guess I had to crash eh? Anyway, yeah I dont have much worry for you after reading what you have already been through. You seem really strong and maybe just need a few people to remind you of that. Just wondering, did you ever sit and talk to your brother that day about your pill use? Yes, I am nosey .. ignore if you want .. I do that .. whatever thoughts I think just come out sometimes but I truely never mean any harm.
Mike...I read your post from the first day you quit the pills. That is some story and you should be VERY proud of yourself. I don't think the mental craving will ever go away completely. My wife used to take pills with me (she has been clean over a year) and she told me she still thinks about them. She just has this incredible will power that I wish I had. I can't wait to be over 100 days clean! I will be clean for one month on the 12th of Feb. and it seems like forever! But I just wanted to say that I could totally relate to your story and I appreciate you sharing that. By the way my birthday is 10/21 as well!!! GO LIBRAS!!!!!!!!!!!
GHF Good work.Keep it up youll have 30 before ya know it...mj
Hang in there Mike! It sounds like you're doing all the right things to deal with cravings / mental obsession, including coming here to talk about it. But for me there's nothing like f2f, and so meetings are great!
I had 3 months on 12/22 and was also taking naltrexone to block the opiates. But I caved to the temptation at that time because I wasn't working a solid recovery program. You are working a solid program of recovery and I commend you for that!
Right now I don't have thoughts of using since I'm still mired in the shame and guilt of what I've done. But I don't doubt that these thoughts will reappear sometime in the future. When they do I'm confident that I'll have a better recovery foundation, and this foundation will allow me to effectively get through and overcome any thoughts of using.
Hang in there, and stay strong!
Jim
I had 3 months on 12/22 and was also taking naltrexone to block the opiates. But I caved to the temptation at that time because I wasn't working a solid recovery program. You are working a solid program of recovery and I commend you for that!
Right now I don't have thoughts of using since I'm still mired in the shame and guilt of what I've done. But I don't doubt that these thoughts will reappear sometime in the future. When they do I'm confident that I'll have a better recovery foundation, and this foundation will allow me to effectively get through and overcome any thoughts of using.
Hang in there, and stay strong!
Jim
mike,
this is a good example of the mental craziness and the power of the mind... i relapsed once with a cocaine addict.. she had been clean for about 4 months.. and well I was driving and though i really didnt know at the time where we were going.. i think on some level i did.. any way she knew... and she got physically ill from the excitement and anticipation of the using that she was about to do... i dont think at that point for her.. that anything short of handcuffs would have stopped her.. that mental stuff was soo strong... I on the other hand might have been saved if only.. but any way i have a little nausea and all but i literally cried the hole way there cause i knew... i just knew.. part of me didnt want to go and relapse but the stronger part of me was just decided.. and at the point of being decided if left alone we lose... and our addiction wins...
I cant offer you any more advise than what you already know.. journal you a** off.. go to meetings.. talk to others and yourself about the horriers or using and dont romanticize it for even a second... .. and find a way to get plenty of sleep and eat a good diet.. I know that diet thing sound silly but i know it help.. dont ask me to explain it but it does... any way.... just stay strong and know that this happens but it doesnt last forever and I know how you feel...
hopefully your ending wont end up like mine.... God was looking out for me that night though and I am sooo very grateful for that... anyhoo
I will say a prayer for you...
Teresa
this is a good example of the mental craziness and the power of the mind... i relapsed once with a cocaine addict.. she had been clean for about 4 months.. and well I was driving and though i really didnt know at the time where we were going.. i think on some level i did.. any way she knew... and she got physically ill from the excitement and anticipation of the using that she was about to do... i dont think at that point for her.. that anything short of handcuffs would have stopped her.. that mental stuff was soo strong... I on the other hand might have been saved if only.. but any way i have a little nausea and all but i literally cried the hole way there cause i knew... i just knew.. part of me didnt want to go and relapse but the stronger part of me was just decided.. and at the point of being decided if left alone we lose... and our addiction wins...
I cant offer you any more advise than what you already know.. journal you a** off.. go to meetings.. talk to others and yourself about the horriers or using and dont romanticize it for even a second... .. and find a way to get plenty of sleep and eat a good diet.. I know that diet thing sound silly but i know it help.. dont ask me to explain it but it does... any way.... just stay strong and know that this happens but it doesnt last forever and I know how you feel...
hopefully your ending wont end up like mine.... God was looking out for me that night though and I am sooo very grateful for that... anyhoo
I will say a prayer for you...
Teresa
Hello Oneill,
Don't worry about it. I've been in the same boat you are in now and it isn't easy. You really have to be mentally strong not to relapse like so many people on here. Im almost at 120 days clean. I'm a bit behind but I'm right on your tail.. You don't want me to catch you do you ;) and you better not relapse cause I look at your story everyday for encouragement and it keeps me going clean. So if you relapse then just think your are gonna take me with you.
Lets not be like so many others here and relapse after a peroid of being clean. We are stronger then that. We have come all this way and it's not just to relapse all over again and then go through the exact same hell all over!!!
I also have 3 surgeries coming up and I already told the plastic surgeon and the other surgeon that I don't want any pain meds when I leave....It won't be easy but it can always be done no matter what. I don't use surguries as an excuse to use like so many others do. If they jumped off a cliff I wouldn't follow...
Take care and be strong. Yes the mental part of this is the worst by far. But before you ever took a pill your life was good wasn't it?? Just think of all the good times you had before you ever took a pill.
Im watching you :)
Bye,
Kiwi
Don't worry about it. I've been in the same boat you are in now and it isn't easy. You really have to be mentally strong not to relapse like so many people on here. Im almost at 120 days clean. I'm a bit behind but I'm right on your tail.. You don't want me to catch you do you ;) and you better not relapse cause I look at your story everyday for encouragement and it keeps me going clean. So if you relapse then just think your are gonna take me with you.
Lets not be like so many others here and relapse after a peroid of being clean. We are stronger then that. We have come all this way and it's not just to relapse all over again and then go through the exact same hell all over!!!
I also have 3 surgeries coming up and I already told the plastic surgeon and the other surgeon that I don't want any pain meds when I leave....It won't be easy but it can always be done no matter what. I don't use surguries as an excuse to use like so many others do. If they jumped off a cliff I wouldn't follow...
Take care and be strong. Yes the mental part of this is the worst by far. But before you ever took a pill your life was good wasn't it?? Just think of all the good times you had before you ever took a pill.
Im watching you :)
Bye,
Kiwi
Kiwi and Mike...you two guys always have been and always will be my inspiration and hope here on this board. You've made me laugh, cry and grateful that I am also clean.....
It's so easy for others to say, hang in there... when we our selves are barely hanging on. Just know that I'm pulling for you every day. I don't know much about prayer, but I do know about powerful thoughts, and you've got mine coming your way.
Mike...did you get a new sponsor? Alot of your mental crap came up after your sponsor relapsed, right? If you haven't found one, time to get serious, if you do have one, talk to him every day. Sometimes I think my sponsor would like to fire me... I call her everyday and on the bad days, 3 or 4 times a day.
You both can see my email...use it if you need to. I'm always here.
Cowgirl
It's so easy for others to say, hang in there... when we our selves are barely hanging on. Just know that I'm pulling for you every day. I don't know much about prayer, but I do know about powerful thoughts, and you've got mine coming your way.
Mike...did you get a new sponsor? Alot of your mental crap came up after your sponsor relapsed, right? If you haven't found one, time to get serious, if you do have one, talk to him every day. Sometimes I think my sponsor would like to fire me... I call her everyday and on the bad days, 3 or 4 times a day.
You both can see my email...use it if you need to. I'm always here.
Cowgirl
Cowgirl,
I did NOT get a new sponsor--and I think you may be right. I have stuck with my first sponsor and his support is still so damm good..and please correct me if I am wrong here, I think I have outgrown him ? Not because he slipped, but because he has more personal issues going on. Please do not think I am being cocky-but I feel like I am at a different level of needing advice, and suggested paths to take, and he is not there. I think I need to talk with him, I dont want to hurt his feelings..
The mental side cowgirl is so hard for me...but I really prayed hard last night and I feel ok so far today--some of the wild thoughts have passsed, and I dont feel as hyper--but I am an addict, so I will always have thoughts of using, I just need to understand what to do when they happen. I went back amd read my old post from Sept--what a lost guy I was then--No I dont want to go back--life has been great these past 4 months--so I will work hard, hardest thing I have ever had to do--but I can do it...
Thanks,
Mike
I did NOT get a new sponsor--and I think you may be right. I have stuck with my first sponsor and his support is still so damm good..and please correct me if I am wrong here, I think I have outgrown him ? Not because he slipped, but because he has more personal issues going on. Please do not think I am being cocky-but I feel like I am at a different level of needing advice, and suggested paths to take, and he is not there. I think I need to talk with him, I dont want to hurt his feelings..
The mental side cowgirl is so hard for me...but I really prayed hard last night and I feel ok so far today--some of the wild thoughts have passsed, and I dont feel as hyper--but I am an addict, so I will always have thoughts of using, I just need to understand what to do when they happen. I went back amd read my old post from Sept--what a lost guy I was then--No I dont want to go back--life has been great these past 4 months--so I will work hard, hardest thing I have ever had to do--but I can do it...
Thanks,
Mike
