Methadone Use

As you all know I have been battling getting off methadone, I got myself down to 20mg in which I stayed at for a year, than decided I wanted to just get off of it and after reporting my husbands abuse of pain medication figured I would have to stop using it. Well, they stopped giving him prescriptions for dilaudids but they have continued to give him the methadone.
I was glad in a way because I am struggling with dropping it. I got down to 10mg and then I dropped to 5mg. I couldn't stand how I was feeling so I went back to the 10,mg, in which I have been at for a month or two now. I'm not interested in dropping the dose any further at this point. It seems to be the only thing that is keeping the depression at bay. I now am hoping they don't make my husband get off of this, he doesn't think they will, although he wants to get off of it.
Sounds selfish on my part and it is really, the depression is what scares me, I dealt with it my whole life and I'm just so tired of it and the methadone seems to be the only relief I get from feeling it's full impact. I'm not suggesting anybody use methadone to treat depression, I wish there was another way but without health insurance or money to even pay a sliding scale there isn't any way I can get treatment for the depression. I even looked into medicaid and I would have to come up with $650 spend down before they start covering my medical cost and I can't come up with that kind of money, my husband and I are living off of his disability checks and you can only stretch those checks so far.
So that is the update on what has been going on with that, the last time I spoke about it I was convinced I wanted to stop using methadone period but I chickened out.
I don't beat myself up over it, I'm still proud I dropped 10mg and maybe someday I will get totally off of it. I stopped a lot of drug use since I found this board in 2004, my recovery has been very slow but I still came a long ways through these years.
Liz,

How close are you to Walmart? They have a 4 dollar prescription plan, 10 bucks for a 3 month supply and they cover some ads at that price. You can check it out on line...Could this be an option for you...

I hope all is well with you. You still going to school???

Love,
Tina


your doing just fine liz,,your doing great,love you poopie ,hello tina,,im doing ok,,if you no what I mean,,love you to ,poopie
Thanks Poopie,

Hope you're doing well.

Hi Tina,

It's not just the cost of the prescription that is too much money, it's the doctor visits I have to go to and the counseling appointments that cost me too much. Thanks for the info about Walmart though, maybe my husband can get help when he falls into a donut hole at the end of the year? Probably not but worth checking in to.
You've done this dance for a long time now Liz....isn't it time?
HI Liz
If your all the way down to 10mg- -it sounds like its more of a psychological jump that your having a tough time with- not so much a physical one

Get your thoughts together and focused, before you decide the best way to do this-

WishingYouTheBest
jack
Hi Jackofhartzz

Yeah, it's definitely a psychological thing more than a physical. I'm getting there slowly but surely;

Cowgirl, as I have stated above, I'm not beating myself up over 10mg, could be much worse and has been.
I know so many people who have been on sub for years and they are even congratulated on clean time, take methadone, in which is also prescribed by doctors for the same reasons as sub is and you're not considered clean and honestly, I don't consider myself clean unless I was even off the 10mg. But, if you take a look at what I was using when I first came here in 04 and where I'm at now it's a major difference. Yep, it's been a very slow recovery for me, it's a pace that I am able to live with though. I haven't been high in a couple of years, I don't even like getting high, trust me, you don't get high on methadone. I used to use 80mg a day, plus I used dilaudids, smoked weed and drank everyday. 10mg of methadone is close to nothing. It's definitely a psychological thing is why I'm so afraid to let it go, a couple of years ago I went completely clean and after around 2 or 3 months I felt like I was losing my mind, the depression was so intense. 10mg right now keeps me from the full iimpact of depression and that I can live with, depression I cannot.

Take care Lisa and good luck with your son
I think the difference here is that sub users who consider themselves clean are going to a dr, the drug is prescribed to THEM and they are in a recovery program. You take your husband's meds without the advice or support of a dr. It's addictive behavior. Come on Liz, you know the truth. There's nothing any of us can say. You'll stop when you're ready. And not one day before.

Thanks for the advice about my son. You hit the nail on the head.
Lisa,

I didn't come for advice, of course I know what would be said, I came to fill everyone in on how I didn't end up dropping the methadone and again, I'm ok with that. I don't care if I don't have a doctor, if I had one I would probably be getting a much higher dose of methadone then what I'm doing now.

I just didn't want to leave the board with the last thing I wrote where I stated I was quitting, I got down to 10mg and for now that's where I'll be staying. I'm fine with that, doubt it will kill me and it definitely doesn't impair my judgement.

Anyway Lisa, good luck with your son and to everyone else, wish you all well.

Liz,

I was once on methadone. Actually I was on it for the better part of three years. I went to the clinic, saw my counselor, doctor, always passed my u/a's. Not that I'm proud of it but I was a "model" methadone patient. I weaned down from 100mg to 11mg. My husband had been getting onme to get off the stuff for months. It was sooooo expensive. And unfortunalty you pay the same price no matter if you're on 200mg or 5mg. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I jumped from 11mg because I was just sick of the whole thing and figured I would be fine. I'm not saying it can't be done but it wasn't successful for me. I relapsed within two weeks. If you're on 10mg now and you feel stable, I personally, would still take my time weaning off those last ten. Maybe try 1mg a week or every other week. Make sure you have a plan for when you're done weaning. Don't be like me and think you're all better, although I'm sure you're much smarter then me.I've been clean off methadone since September 2005 and am so glad to be free of those "liquid handcuffs". Best of luck.

Shelly
Liz, I agree with you 110% taking the meth is no different then sub. Ok, so its your husbands and not rx'ed to you. Worse things could happen. I highly doubt there are many people here that wouldn't take their spouses sub to save money on high Dr. fees. Not to mention the crazy Dr. "Recommended" doses I hear out there?
Taking 10mg of meth a day beats the hell of combing the streets looking for drugs like a crazy person. Take the time and set up a really good plan before you completely give it up. Its so easy to fall flat on your face when you give up those last few mg's.
Its funny that some get praised for being on sub and others whether on sub or meth get overlooked for whatever reason? I can't imagine what the statistics would be on addicts on sub that also have a strong recovery plan? Slim to none (I am guilty of that) You know what you have accomplished. Don't let anyone tell you different. Good luck to you and your husband.
Hi Shelly,

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm happy for you that you were able to get off this crap. I did the same thing a couple of years ago, I stopped using everything and then relapsed, the depression is the main problem, I think. I've suffered depression since I was a child and of course when people get clean there is a period of depression that most will go through but when it hit me it hit so hard, to the point of my becoming suicidal. I can't deal with that. After two months of living in that dark place, I relapsed.

I was reading Briars thread about attending her first meeting and it brought back memories. I too felt good attending meetings at first and just like Briar I was afraid I would have to talk, just wanted to listen. Then, after awhile I decided I didn't like meetings anymore. Thinking back it wasn't the meetings that were the problem, I'm the problem. I only allow people so close to me before I pull back, people began to invite me to barbecue's, picnics and pool parties that I became so uncomfortable that I left to never return. I have a history of doing this with people, friends I lose because I end up losing touch and going back into isolation, a self imposed prison I created for myself and I just can't seem to break this cycle.

Then there were some meetings that they wwanted to go around the room and each person share something about themself, personally I don't think that's a good idea, I think they should leave sharing to volunteers, I know many times I felt too pressured, very overwhelmed and wouldn't be ready for that. I know it comes from being so beaten down as a child that some of the past carried over into my adulthood.

Most addicts have trust issues and many overcome those issues and for some reason I can't seem to.
Hi Lynn,

Exactly, thank you...I appreciate what you have said and you're right, so many times I've seen people who are on sub without a recovery program being praised, no insurance, no money = no doctor and how some claim it's different although it's a much lower dose then what would be given by a doctor. Many doctors are just legalized drug dealers anyway. Thanks for your support, I appreciate it.
Hi Liz, I have been reading your thread and you stated that 10mg is next to nothing, that next to nothing is keeping you out of wd. next to nothing is nothing. using is using you know that. You have come a long way and I commend you for that. A poster stated that so what if it is not scripted and it is your husbands, giving you heads up to keep using is dangerous, irresponsible and illegal behavior. god forbid that something happens or you get caught that methadone is a totally different schedule and that could become your biggest nightmare. you know if a person wants to keep using that is their business however lines should be drawn when that person gives advice to keep doing what you are doing. Liz do not take this a assualt against you, you have been around a long time, however I think a moderator should be notified about advice being given to continue illegal behavior. you stay on this board for a reason Liz and I am happy you are still here. You have people that care about you here and they have given solid advice. When I first arrived here I sought out people who had what I wanted and that started the journey for me.
Hi Tropical,

I don't believe anyone was implying that I should continue using methadone, they all just suggested getting a plan first because it's a hard drug to come off of.
They shared how they got off the methadone and they did it by cutting back slowly.

I won't lie and say I love taking it, I don't like being tied to anything, not even cigarettes, the bottom line is I could be saving a lot of money without the use of any of that, I wish I could be under a doctors care with the depression so they could try me on something else that may work with me. Than I don't think I would feel as though I need the methadone, 10mg is enough to just take the edge off of the depression, keeps me from slipping into it real deep as I have when I got clean. So I chosed the lesser of the two evils, the methadone over the depression. I can live on 10mg of methadone, I don't think I can live through another one of those deep depressions.
Liz, thank you for not taking offense, becuz my style which i try and work on could use refinement. I just have seen your struggle and am hoping for the best possible outcome for you.
I too felt good attending meetings at first and just like Briar I was afraid I would have to talk, just wanted to listen. Then, after awhile I decided I didn't like meetings anymore. Thinking back it wasn't the meetings that were the problem, I'm the problem. I only allow people so close to me before I pull back, people began to invite me to barbecue's, picnics and pool parties that I became so uncomfortable that I left to never return. I have a history of doing this with people, friends I lose because I end up losing touch and going back into isolation, a self imposed prison I created for myself and I just can't seem to break this cycle.

This is excellent insight Liz. I think you are getting some great advice, and all I can do is second the suggestion that you get together a plan for recovery. I too was(am) prone to depression;it led us into the drugs to begin with and we need to seek help to break the cycle.

Meetings are not perfect, but the price is right. And where else can you get that kind of entertainment for a buck?

Regardless of your decision, I wish you the best.

August
Hey August,

Thanks, I appreciate it. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do about it. Well, my husband and I were discussing earlier about figuring out a way for me to be seen by a doctor for the depression, get that under control and I can go from there...
I know how expensive drs and treatment can be, especially if you don't have insurance..but maybe you would qualify for state assistance? I would think that having your own dr and being under his/her care would be ten times better than what you are faced with now. You do deserve good care, you know that, right? I just wanted you to know too that when my brain finally cleared after I got clean, the depression that I thought was so bad, went away. It takes awhile, but your brain does heal and you will feel better. That's not true for everyone, some really do have depression issues but you won't know until you give it a good long try.

Being on the meth is one thing, not working a program of recovery kind of makes it a mute point. Try the meetings again Liz...I remember when you first started going and you did like them..maybe try a different approach this time. Try to connect.
Hey Lisa,

Depression runs in my family and I was diagnosed with severe depression.I was always depressed, even as a kid..I've tried getting clean enough times to know I don't want to try it again without a doctor.