Mom In Need Of Advice

I have a 41/2 year old daughter. Her father has been a major meth user for years and got charged w/ 2 labs and 3 possession w/ intent to sell. Long story short he got sentenced to 4 months treatment and gets out soon. She has not seen him in close to a year yet still has a vivid memory of her daddy and asks about him frequently. I answer her w/ the truth to her age level of understanding to the best of my ability and never bad mouth him to her.

My question is how do I go about the possibility of reconnecting them upon his release. He is allowed supervised visits and I believe he loves her as much as he can. (not enough to be a father but ..) How do I know that he has taken treatment seriously before I let him back into our lives (her life) again w/ the hope of not putting back thru the hell he did before he left....no shows...no support...no calls when promised...you know the drill.
I pray everyday that he wakes up and realizes how bad she hurts not seeing him and how much she loves him but I know only he can do it. What I don't know is how to tell when an addict isn't lying...they tend to masters at making anyone belive that this time it's for good...
i'm not sure that i have the experience to answer all of your questions or to address all of your concerns.

but an addict or alcoholic just cannot say that they will never use again. the disease is chronic in most cases and incurable. incurable. meaning it never goes away.

it can be arrested by total abstinence from all substances, but that's all.

and in most treatments, it is drilled into the addict that they cannot make a lifetime committment and they are not asked or encouraged to do so. all they are encouraged to do is take one day at a time -- and do everything necessary in that day not to pick up alcohol or other drugs.

so, if an addict or alcoholic is telling you that they will never use again -- well, that's a committment and a statement that they simply cannot make.

i have an alcoholic son who is also an addict. if he ever told me he was never going to use again, i would be prompted to tell him that he is still in denial -- go back and work Step 1.
You know that was fantastic!!! It gives me a clue on how to listen to what he might have to say when he does get out. And knowing that one statement will tell me that he might have or might not have listened and taken something from his treatment.

Is there any place you might be able to refer me to look for other possible things to pay attention to or for?

Would you agree addidicts tend to be people who can somehow make others around them believe every word they say or is it just me w/ harsh feelings from the road we traveled.

Would it be inappropriate for me to have the first meeting w/ him and ask questions regarding his recovery and what he learned from it so far. Or will I be making a hostile situation from the go.

I really want to make it work between our daughter and him and know it is not about me and my feelings can not be brought into it but I want to be prepared at the same time.
while addicts have many good qualities, just like we all do, they tend to be master manipulators and can be very deceiving. many have a way of telling others what they want to hear in order to get what they want.

i assume you are either separated or divorced -- or not intending to live together.

as far as what to look for, what are your main concerns -- his use upon discharge from rehab or other things ?

No we are thru and live very seperate lives. But we do have a daughter that misses him very much and needs a dad that will do what he says. I'm not willing to put her thru the heartbreak again and I really don't think I could handle anymore this time either seeing her eyes fill when he just doesn't show or keep his promises.

I'm looking for answers on what to listen for from him to know he has his best intentions out there.

I know time can tell but like I said I think w/ her being so young that I have no choice but to be involved at a more intense level until she comes to the age of understanding his disease on her own.

But due to our history and the divorce we both have very harsh memories of things we both did wrong and I had no knowledge at the start of his fall w/ Meth to know how to have handle it better at the time. So I'm left w/ harsh and bitter feelings as I'm sure he is also. However, I realize the importance of her having a relationship w/ him and want to somehow make him believe that is my intention but we are both controlling by nature and I'm afraid if I say "you can start to see your daughter when you prove to me you took something from your treatment and are able to tell me what it is" I'm sure (atleast by past experience) that he will atomatically become defensive thinking I am giving ultimatums but in a way I am.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is how do I handle him and his emotional status when he is released but still be the protective mom I need to be? Or should he realize that this is going to happen and it's up to him to accept my reluctance to trust him and give him the chance?
Bob B.

Again our post have so much wisdom and good advice. My wife constantly tells me she has to get thru just today. It was so hard for me to understand for the longest time. But it really is a humble attitude that an addict must take to conquer the disease since they are just one temptation away from relaspe. You always have a way with words, I wish I had your gift of the written word. My bag is numbers and they do not help much in this endeavor. The problem solving techniques you are taught as an engineer in this case tends to be a hinderance. You just want to break the problem down in pieces, pull out the important information, disgard the other and then solve the problem. Doesn't work here! So, now I look at the problem, close my eyes, take a deep breath, ask God to take it, and read either my Bible or the Big Book, normally both. Its really the only way. It hard but you have to have faith it works and I struggle so with it but I am determined to get it right.

Thanks again Bob B.
Dear Bob B.,

I second Laengr's sentiments above. You are very gifted in expressing things. And Laengr....you didn't do a bad job of using your words to praise Bob! lol In fact, you did a great job!

God bless you both!

Love,
Susan
Thank you so much for your help and advice. I will take and try my best to do what I can to believe that this to is part of a much bigger plan beyond my control.
Cybert,

If you get any advice I would love to hear it because it is something I have to start dealing with a little more seriously. I have a 4 yr. old son, but as his father has not yet undergonne any kind of treatment I have not really moved ahead with a divorce and custody etc. But I have to start thinking about it.

My only advice is to never tell your daughter that your husband is coming over. Always keep on your normal schedule and routine - make plans, take her to the park and have him meet you there so she does not live the constant dispointment.

Good Luck