I am not a great writer but I came on here to read all the messages and decided to write too. I have a daughter who is an addict. It's been going on now for about 16 yrs. she is 34 yrs old. Started with pot then by 17 advanced to heroin and now crack. She has been in rehab before when she was about 18 and I've tried everything. Now I am bringing up her child. Last year I had cancer and had a tumor cut out. I can't take her drug use anymore. Im sick of it. I have a 9 yr old now to raise. I am sad but can't show it. I want to cry but don't have the time to myself to do it. She tells me she wants to die and just a couple of days ago I had to call the police on her because of her bullying me. It's harder to hide her using from her child who is now starting to wonder about things and is starting to be afraid of her own mother because of how she wants to argue all the time. I think she has brain damage with doing the crack cocaine as she is different. If so what are the signs of brain damage? She dragged her daughter out of bed at 10 pm one night telling her to get her clothes on she was going to a foster home. I of course stop her. I need to get custody of my grandchild now as I realize now my daughter could take her out of my care of 7 yrs and I have no power. Remember the movie "Silence of the Lambs" that describes how I feel. I have gone beyond crying to the place where i break my heart crying silently inside. I understand that expression now "Silence of the Lambs". Might sound crazy to anyone reading this though. So you see I,m giving up on my daughter as I realize now there's no more I can do and everything I,ve done over the years has been a waste of time. It's all so sad. I wish there was an answer. If you are an addict and managed to get yourself straightened out. God Bless you and don't ever go back to using.
I'm so sorry for your pain. You have come to the right place for expressing yourself and getting some support. Do not feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to keep you and your grandchild safe and sane. You are 100% correct, there is nothing you can do to make your daughter better, it's all up to her. Every day, I remind myself that if my son can figure out where to get heroin, cocaine, meth...then he can figure out how to get himself to a meeting or to the detox center. Our son also tries to bully and manipulate us. He actually texted us the other day and asked if we even care about trying to keep our son alive and told us that we really need to do some work and learn more about his disease. If it wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny. We know that he'll do and say whatever to try and get what he wants. Getting help has not entered into the equation yet though. Stay strong for you and your grandchild. Go to a Nar Anon meeting if you have any around you. They can also be a great support system. God bless!
Michelle
Michelle
Thank you Shell. Reading your post was calming to me and now I know I'm not alone in this hell. I feel empowered now just having people like you to talk to. I've never had anyone to talk to about this before. Thank you,
Hi madm. Your daughter sounds crazzzyyy. I'm sorry , that was rude of me. But about your granddaughter. No way would cps or a judge see a woman like that (with brain damage) and grant her-her children back. No way. If she would want to get them back then she's gonna have to stay sober because they do weekly random drug testing. So the only way you wouldn't get them is if you had a open case on you with cps . Doesn't even matter if you did 18years ago. You still won't get them. But if I was you I'd look into doing that. Even if you have to take charge and be the one who files. You can get custody and a restraining order on her too. Look into the supreme courts in your state on the internet. You should find answers in there to about the whole process of how to file. And etc. I know because I got an open case with me right now. I hate those people at the cps. They are jerks. But, they're jerks to me because, I'm sorry to say, because I'm the perpetrator. So yea, but I also read a post you made to someone, another mother. And you gave her good advice. But for sure is your not alone. Pray too. Everyday, pray.
Thank you Babylove! I like how you are, straight to the point. I too am like that so I appreciate it in a person. I went to a lawyer last year about custody and he wanted $5,000 upfront. Since then I was sitting at my granddaughters school waiting on her coming out. There was a woman wandering about talking to people. Of course she eyeballed me and came right over. She was a probate judge running for office. We got to talking and she said grandparents can file for custody themselves to just go to the courts and get the paperwork. So I am going to look into it now. Meanwhile I still have my daughter coming and going. Friday she was fine and we all watched a movie Saturday too.She is here tonight for her dinner with her boyfriend. They can't get enough to eat, they act like their starving. Me being me asked them if they had been smoking the 'wacky back" and did they have the munchies. I tell you I wish I had said nothing and kept my mouth shut. She wanted me to look at her pupils but I wouldn't because I couldn't care less. That's when her attitude changes like she wants an argument. I just started doing the dishes and moved out of her way and all was quiet again. I wonder what the drug is the two of them were on. Any ideas? Tell me Babylove is it my attitude of being straight about things with her that you think might set her off? I just refuse to let her walk all over me or think I,m stupid to not see what's what. I just get so sick of it all. In my own house too I have to take this crap just to keep the peace. I would keep her out but because of my husband and granddaughter she gets in. I,m waiting to see if she goes to jail as she has 2 DUI coming up. That's when I will go for custody. But meantime will find out as much as I can.
As a kid all you want to do is be accepted by others. Sometimes I wonder exactly when the patterns of destructive habits began. Is it hereditary, like my counselor said in rehab say? Was it a learned set of skills that I picked up through observing my alcoholic father, or am I just a damn idiot? Ive come to learn that understanding the reasons we make certain choices in life helps bring light to the situation and gives fuel to figuring out power ways to focus on the solution
My very first memories consisted of my mother, father, little sister, and I all crammed into a small mobile home in Gainesville, Florida. My sister, Rachael was about three years younger than me and for the most part we got along pretty well.
I only lived in Florida till I was eight years old and remember very little, but there was one particular person, Vicki, my neighbor that always stuck in my mind. It didnt matter to me that girls had cooties, Vicki was my best friend and I didnt care what anyone thought! The purpose of our close bond would make itself mush more clear later on in my life.
We would eventually move to a small town in Kirksville, Missouri so that my father could pursue a medical degree at KCOM. My father was a very smart man with the exception of his addiction to alcohol. Now I dont remember much, but eventually his alcoholism would lead to my parents divorcing when I was about ten years old.
When youre a kid you are just living life with little thought on why life is the way it is. Im not one to blame anyone for my problems, we are all creators of our own destinies. There are plenty of people out there in the world that have had it a whole lot worse than me, but having a severely alcoholic father must have had some impact on why my life turned out the way it did.
The balance in my life came in the form of my nurturing mother. She has a beautiful soul and I will forever be in debt to my mother who worked so hard to keep food on the table for me and my sister. We moved around quite a bit and I did my best as the oldest to help out. I have not yet had children but when that time comes you can bet that I will be the best father a man can be as I see now how damaging it can be to actually not having a strong father figure in your life.
I was a very sensitive kid growing up and like many kids just wanted to be accepted by all. I wanted to be an artist one day, and could play by myself for hours, making up stories in my mind, and running around the house swinging at imaginary enemies. For a long time it was just the three of us and for the most part life was pretty simple.
Its amazing how the events in our lives make such a huge impact on our personalities. There are people whose lives are filled with terror, and somehow they come out on top, while others have life handed to them on a silver platter, and their lives fall apart. Its hard for me to say why I made so many crappy decisions but thoughts decisions have made me a stronger person today.
The reason I'm telling you my story is because I am a person and an ex heroin addict. I would had never found sobriety had my family continued to support me in my ways. To find sobriety you have to hurt, feel pain, go through the trenches yourself. When you help in any way it only makes things worst. I hope the best for your daughter and bless your heart as the decisions you will have to make will be hard but necessary.
My very first memories consisted of my mother, father, little sister, and I all crammed into a small mobile home in Gainesville, Florida. My sister, Rachael was about three years younger than me and for the most part we got along pretty well.
I only lived in Florida till I was eight years old and remember very little, but there was one particular person, Vicki, my neighbor that always stuck in my mind. It didnt matter to me that girls had cooties, Vicki was my best friend and I didnt care what anyone thought! The purpose of our close bond would make itself mush more clear later on in my life.
We would eventually move to a small town in Kirksville, Missouri so that my father could pursue a medical degree at KCOM. My father was a very smart man with the exception of his addiction to alcohol. Now I dont remember much, but eventually his alcoholism would lead to my parents divorcing when I was about ten years old.
When youre a kid you are just living life with little thought on why life is the way it is. Im not one to blame anyone for my problems, we are all creators of our own destinies. There are plenty of people out there in the world that have had it a whole lot worse than me, but having a severely alcoholic father must have had some impact on why my life turned out the way it did.
The balance in my life came in the form of my nurturing mother. She has a beautiful soul and I will forever be in debt to my mother who worked so hard to keep food on the table for me and my sister. We moved around quite a bit and I did my best as the oldest to help out. I have not yet had children but when that time comes you can bet that I will be the best father a man can be as I see now how damaging it can be to actually not having a strong father figure in your life.
I was a very sensitive kid growing up and like many kids just wanted to be accepted by all. I wanted to be an artist one day, and could play by myself for hours, making up stories in my mind, and running around the house swinging at imaginary enemies. For a long time it was just the three of us and for the most part life was pretty simple.
Its amazing how the events in our lives make such a huge impact on our personalities. There are people whose lives are filled with terror, and somehow they come out on top, while others have life handed to them on a silver platter, and their lives fall apart. Its hard for me to say why I made so many crappy decisions but thoughts decisions have made me a stronger person today.
The reason I'm telling you my story is because I am a person and an ex heroin addict. I would had never found sobriety had my family continued to support me in my ways. To find sobriety you have to hurt, feel pain, go through the trenches yourself. When you help in any way it only makes things worst. I hope the best for your daughter and bless your heart as the decisions you will have to make will be hard but necessary.
"The reason I'm telling you my story is because I am a person and an ex heroin addict. I would had never found sobriety had my family continued to support me in my ways. To find sobriety you have to hurt, feel pain, go through the trenches yourself. When you help in any way it only makes things worst. I hope the best for your daughter and bless your heart as the decisions you will have to make will be hard but necessary."
Thank you for adding this Jaymay.
As a parent of an addicted son you have no idea how many times I've second guessed my decision to let my son go.
The toughest part though is mentally letting him go
Thank you for adding this Jaymay.
As a parent of an addicted son you have no idea how many times I've second guessed my decision to let my son go.
The toughest part though is mentally letting him go
Thank you JayMay and RichL. She didn't come home yesterday or today. That's when my mind wanders and I try to keep doing things to keep my mind busy and stop it from running wild. I thought I had let go mentally but I don't know. How can I tell? That's where I need to be. Last time she disappeared the police called as she was in the hospital. So we sit and wait for the phone to ring. I know all the moms on here have been through the same or going through it just now too. It's great to have this website to go to. It's a great help knowing we understand each other and it's not just me going through it. God Bless all who are recovering too and who write to help us. If I was your mom I would be proud of you. You make a difference. Stay strong. Your needed! .Thank you....M....
You are doing the right thing by keeping your daughter away. I have a son who is a addict to. Was alcohol but he quit that and has used hard drugs since. He will be turning 30 in jail this month as he failed a drug test. Saboxon he is using now. He was put on the Swift and Secure program over a year ago and they had been drug testing. Not sure why he didn't get caught months ago. Should of figured as we have been though this many times , no money and can't pay rent, etc. I know he deals with depression also and not on the right meds for that. Like someone said they can find the drugs but can't seem to or want to get the help. I want him to go for long term care, but as of now he will sit in jail for 30 days. I also feel like I have already lost him to drugs and will never have my son back the way he was. He has good intentions and is got a great sense of humor. At least he used too.
thanks for sharing.
Ellen
thanks for sharing.
Ellen
Wow! I just found this wedsite, & crying, to read mothers describing their adult child ! It's like you are describing my 38 yr. Old ! My home is "nightmare on Speer Dr."! They all act so much the same ! The drug clones them, I think ! The original personality is gone ! My beautiful son has one agenda......getting more meth ! This situation, is so horrific, i just stare @ him, when the demon comes out, if I didn't see this behavior, I wouldn't believe it ! It puts me in a state of shock ! Then if I don't fight with him, he gets more angry, & tells me how I am an old lady dying, & someday he would kill me, & burn the house down. He's been doing ICE for 12 yrs. I believe ! It's hard to make this long story short, I don't have to really, cause you already are on the same road, sad, so tragic, so mind boggling! Cops talked me into the protective order route 12 yrs. Ago ! Which has caused him to be in, & out of jail all this time.. he violates this order constantly ! It doesn't work, don't waste your time, folks ! Now, we're in the system, that doesn't care about your child ! Now, he's got a criminal record a mile long ! I've been going to courts for 12 yrs.! On DA lady told my son, "it's people like you give me job security "! If you like to spend whole days in court houses, have nervous break downs on the witness stands, see your beautiful son in the cage, get no respect, cause you must be the worst parent alive, watch as the cops lie like rugs, trying to get terrorists threats to stick, so your kid is a felon ! Boy those police reports are so fabricated, I'm amazed ! Now it's on public record that your kid is an idiot, loser ! Then there's bail money ! I only bailed him out once! $5,000! Then there's money on his books, expensive phone calls, visiting a jail, waiting hours, in a line with more druggies, & their druggie parents ! Don't get a protective order, it won't work ! If they don't get tired of this life, you are truely not gonna force them. They get great drug connections in hail, believe me ! It's been hell 50 over ! He's on my sofa right going through his sick withdrawls, making animal sounds, & through up black stuff all over the floor ! He's like semi-conscious, there's 3 protective orders on him right niw, the courts will keep those going Till I die! I'm 72 now....the stress is killing me ! The neighbors hate me,& him. My dogs are scared s***less, his 15 year old daughter never wants anything to do with me, or him ! Msn, I could write a book, but I'm too tired, &worn out ! This is so Sur - real ! I'm so sad that nice families have to go through this, we are suffering more than our child is ! I'm not calling cops anymore, the last time, they look like swat cops, 8 of them breaking my door down, taking him through the windows ! Then another time, he stold my car, & there was a high-speed chase on TV, he got away, & was hiding out in another city for 6 weeks.! Felony evading, if they had caught him, they would have killed him ! We live, in fear ! I'm looking for another house to rent, & then he can't find me, that is the only answer ! I'll save my money, you have to save yourself ! Please stop him from destroying your life ! Nothing you do for him, helps ! You're beating your head against a wall !!! He's tried to get me to smoke meth with him, & threatened to put it in my food ! Watch out ! My parents weren't the best, by far, but we never talked back, & had respect ! It's hard to d is - own your child, but he might thank you later, when he wakes up, & comes back to reality ! God send prayers to all of you, & don't hold back from crying, you need to release your pain, & frustration, all my love, Pamela ! Be safe God loves us!
Hi Pamela, I read your post and it's shocking what your son has put you through. God help you! I'm treated badly too. Mine wanted to punch me in the mouth last Saturday. I can't call the cops as she will take my granddaughter (9yrs) away with her. Makes you wonder what happened to the kids we raised to be kind to people. I am shocked when you said your son wanted you to join him in smoking meth. Your right about a demon coming out as I see it in my daughter too. It's evil looking. She never looks happy, can't laugh anymore and so skinny. She was a beautiful girl before these drugs. Now her looks have gone she has a scar where she was hit with a tire iron, a bald patch on her head where someone hit her splitting her head wide open and robbed her, and then the track marks all over everywhere. I would go back and forth with myself blaming me and then not blaming me. I am now at the stage where I refuse to blame me. It's a good place to be as it helps me handle my situation better. I think I have learned a lot on this website about the addicts behavior too. We are all so tired and weary of the way things are. I come on here and I get my batteries recharged to fight another day. We are always here for each other too. Please stay in touch Pamela. Look after yourself. M. """Walk towards the sunshine and the shadows will fall at your back""
Sheesh Louise, you too.! That is horrible, smoke meth with you? If I would of saw that I would of broke his pipe. And the black your eye out? I would of gave her a second bald spot in her head. I'm a addict. 5year old heroin smoking addict. But I don't like to watch people disrespect they're family. That makes me mad. It's not fair what kind of torture we put our families thru. My father doesn't know about my addiction nor know about the cps file I have . And my mother and I don't get crazy like that because we do get high with heroin together. Sometimes I think in the back of my head if people know we're mother and daughter walking to the Methadone clinic together. Or I think, look at my mom, she can't even find her veins because they're all gone. I don't want my arms to be hard as bricks or have indentations like hers. Pretty gross. But she didn't start me using. I did that on my own and one day we were both sick and put our money together to get us well and has been like that since. Sad huh. But still I can not stand to see someone disrespect they're hard loving mother.
No your not wrong for what ever it is. It's your house. And if walking away will help better calm down the issue. Then walk away. But if she puts hands on you, you better put hAnds back. It will stunning her too. She'll go away thinking "boohoo, my mom just decked me in the eye, what the F Mann ?" But that's okay let her know she can't treacherous you like another addict.! Let your emotions snap. Then talk to your granddaughter, explain to her she's too young to understand and later she will. Oh yeah there is a lot of stuff for grandparents whom have custody of they're grandchildren. Lot of benefits and help out there look up the department of Child and family services in your state and read up about it. I hope you two finally get the peace and quiet you deserve.
No your not wrong for what ever it is. It's your house. And if walking away will help better calm down the issue. Then walk away. But if she puts hands on you, you better put hAnds back. It will stunning her too. She'll go away thinking "boohoo, my mom just decked me in the eye, what the F Mann ?" But that's okay let her know she can't treacherous you like another addict.! Let your emotions snap. Then talk to your granddaughter, explain to her she's too young to understand and later she will. Oh yeah there is a lot of stuff for grandparents whom have custody of they're grandchildren. Lot of benefits and help out there look up the department of Child and family services in your state and read up about it. I hope you two finally get the peace and quiet you deserve.
Thank you Baby love! I've wondered where you have been as I haven't seen you on here lately. I look for you now when I come on.. I hope you are doing good. Don't ever stop moving forward with your life Baby love and never fall backwards because 5 years can be fixed. I would like to know you'll come out of this a winner!! When i get to feeling down every now and again. I come on here and find wonderful people like you who advise me and give me strength to fight the good fight! We must be a tough lot!.We're all fighters. God Bless. M.
