Hello,
This is my first time in the group.
I am a 26 years old, mother of 2 little girls 1 & 4. I am a recovering alcholic/addict. I had 1 year sober on 5/10/2015.
I am stuggling emtionally with the girls father. We have been together since I was 18. On and off since May of 2013. He is also a addict, but not in recovery, nor does he feel he has a problem. I have never had any experience with meth, or addiction to it, but yesterday was the 3rd time in 7 months that I found it, 2nd that it was within the girls reach. With both times before, I kicked him out, told him to get clean, but in all honestly took him back each time things seemed normal. He is never with the girls alone, he is the manager of the restaurant so he works odd hours. I dont know if he just doesnt do it often, or does so much I cant tell the difference. He currently is saying its all my fault, i provoke him to do it, the fighting, the lack of trust. If i just didnt complain/ b**** he would never do it. Please advise, I have talked to my AA group, I have fought/ attacked him, I have tried being compassionate/ understanding. Invited him to meetings. What do I do? I know my children come first, but they also love their dad. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Amber,First of all congratulations on being sober for one year,but also as you know being sober is something that you must work at. You were responsible for your addiction, your addiction was one created of the choices you yourself made.The reason I am saying that is your boyfriend has no right what so ever blaming you for his addiction .If he wants to pin the blame on anyone he should start with himself.You are not responsible for another's actions.He is an addict trying to dodge the blame for his addiction,he is not interested in recovery as he dodges the truth of being an addict. Blaming you is his way of dodging the truth.An addict in recovery cannot be with an active user.He will bring you down before you will ever bring him up.He is not interested in recovery or he would have 3 reasons to do so,or at least 2 ,his two children.If he has left the drugs within reach of them he is a danger to the well being and safety of the children.What would you do if either one of your children got into his drugs and swallowed them that could be fatal and are you willing to take that chance? Also if children services found out your children would be taken away and placed in a safer envoirment. ..They are 1 and 4 believe me they will be fine if Dad is not in the picture ,especially a father who cannot even take care of himself let alone them.You cannot be in this envoirment eventually it'll wear on you....My son Chris was an addict many times he was sober for periods of time.He was involved with a girl that also has addictive issues...it was a toxic to his recovery.You must continue to work on your recovery so you can be a good mother but also a better person for yourself.Allowing this to continue is giving him a free reign to keep using blaming you for his addiction and placing the kids in danger. ...There is help out there whether it be family friends agency's ...You need to be and your kids deserve a healthy home where Daddy isn't a addict and blaming Mommy for his drug abuse.
Thank you for your response. I have informed his parents, moved his stuff out, and told them that no matter how much I care for him, I will not loose my kids, or risk their welfare for his addiction. I found a solution, and hopefully he will too. I informed him/ as well as his family that I would support his recovery process- nothing less. He will not be around our daughters unless he can pass a drug test. If he refuses, then he will not see them, there is currently no custody aggreement, and I am the sole provider for the girls. Its rehab or court now. I have spoken with my sponsor, who basically said the same thing you have. I have to detach my self, and my daughters while he is in active addiction. This relationship currently is very toxic, and like you said for your son, its extremely threatening to my recovery. I will probably cry, and it will be hard, but I know its all in Gods hand, and in Gods timing. Again, thank you for your response. Its very hard to love a addict, as well as have the mind of one.
Amber ,Warmest hug, your alot stronger honey then you give yourself credit for. It takes alot of courage and strength to admit you have a problem and then work hard to recover.You also mentioned while in recovery you are sole provider and also being a mother to your daughters..I will tell you the same thing I told my son Chris ,you cannot make someone better only they can make themselves better, what you can do is continue your recovery and allow him to work on his. ...As he is he is toxic and will only bring you and the children down....addiction is a diease one of the mind and also physically ...He needs to make a decision as you did to first admit the problem then take the proper steps to work towards recovery.He also needs to feel the result of his actions,for only when he feels that he will either work at recovery or further suffer the decline. BUT his actions will allow you also to make the necessary decisions you need to not only for yourself but your children....You have to love yourself and your children more then you love him.Why you might ask because your daughters need a Mom who will teach them self respect and all the lessons a mother lovingly passes along to her child....your children you must love more then him for they are the innocents of addiction.Your children deserve a happy healthy drug free envoirment ....children absorb what they are exposed to so you want to send them the right message ...Amber your going to be okay have faith strength and hope...without those 3 ingredients addicts and those of us who love them have nothing. ...God bless believe in yourself...
Amber,
I agree with Christopher's Mom completely. The effects it will have on your children if continues to use will be detrimental. I have seen what it has done to my son's little sister's and brother for several years. It takes away from their peace of mind in their own home. It takes a while to know for sure they are clean. My son did get sober for 10 months, and it was an incredible difference, and I truly thought he was done with Meth, alcohol, etc...But slipped and went into a black hole that he couldn't seem to see any light anymore.
If he is showing signs of not helping with the kids, or disinterest in them, or regular responsibilities at home, he probably is at work, and other places too. He is a functioning user at this time. My son could use and work 12 hour days proficiently for long periods of time. He appears "okay" when he is high. it's when he's coming down, that he is tired, hungry, and grouchy. He wants to be left alone. After more and more use, he had to call into work, and uninterested in his family, or usual interests. It happens quickly at this point, and after seeing it for so long, I know he is on a path to his own destruction.
You are taking care of your own addiction and your children. I think that is so awesome. Don't let his addiction become your's. I have a lot of doubt that he will quit right now. He feels like he is in control of it. I pray he realizes that he needs to stop once his family is gone. Be strong. Watch for signs of use. These will be evident even if you do not talk to him. I am sorry I am so blunt. But I don't want your kids to see their Daddy that way. I regret letting my own children see their brother that way. It isn't fair to the kids to have such worry and fear in their lives. They get scared of someone who acts "funny". They sense something is wrong....So sad.
Best of luck dear. Take care of who needs you....YOU, and the kids.
I agree with Christopher's Mom completely. The effects it will have on your children if continues to use will be detrimental. I have seen what it has done to my son's little sister's and brother for several years. It takes away from their peace of mind in their own home. It takes a while to know for sure they are clean. My son did get sober for 10 months, and it was an incredible difference, and I truly thought he was done with Meth, alcohol, etc...But slipped and went into a black hole that he couldn't seem to see any light anymore.
If he is showing signs of not helping with the kids, or disinterest in them, or regular responsibilities at home, he probably is at work, and other places too. He is a functioning user at this time. My son could use and work 12 hour days proficiently for long periods of time. He appears "okay" when he is high. it's when he's coming down, that he is tired, hungry, and grouchy. He wants to be left alone. After more and more use, he had to call into work, and uninterested in his family, or usual interests. It happens quickly at this point, and after seeing it for so long, I know he is on a path to his own destruction.
You are taking care of your own addiction and your children. I think that is so awesome. Don't let his addiction become your's. I have a lot of doubt that he will quit right now. He feels like he is in control of it. I pray he realizes that he needs to stop once his family is gone. Be strong. Watch for signs of use. These will be evident even if you do not talk to him. I am sorry I am so blunt. But I don't want your kids to see their Daddy that way. I regret letting my own children see their brother that way. It isn't fair to the kids to have such worry and fear in their lives. They get scared of someone who acts "funny". They sense something is wrong....So sad.
Best of luck dear. Take care of who needs you....YOU, and the kids.
