POSTED BY MTNMOM - STARTED A NEW POST:
I just need a little support - my 44 y/o son has been a meth addict for most of his adult life. Bad decisions, rage, tickets, domestic violence (again girl friends, not us) - everything.... He & his wife had good jobs & somehow he managed to keep his very well paying job for 12-13 years. His medical insurance paid for rehab and therapy. I was in denial most of the time about his addiction. He & his wife divorced in 2013. 2016 he was in an accident at work which required a drug test & in lieu of termination, he went to a 90 day rehab. He stayed clean & was really doing great for about 1 year. Last year he relapsed again & he has continued in a downhill spiral. Since June 2018, he was fired from his job, new girlfriend broke up, roommate moved out & stopped paying his rent so lost his house. Now, according to him, he's homeless & jobless and in HIS mind the only thing he needs is a job.
When we talk to him, all of us tell him he needs help. He came to my house after 6 months of not talking to anyone in the family, and told me he can't go on like this. We stayed calm & reassured him that we loved him & we will help him get therapy, rehab, meetings, etc. I kept asking him to let me call 911 or a crisis counselor. Absolutely refused and I offered to let him spend the night & rest. Nope, had to leave. Left & we don't know where he is staying, he won't say. Since that day, he has called us & his brothers - screaming, yelling, cursing, blaming, raging, etc. We put down our foot & stated our bottom lines. Basically, no more calls like that and when he decides to get help, we will help him attend meetings, etc. But that still stop the worry & sadness we are feeling. We are scared for our son & try to tell ourselves we must protect our own mental health too.
I would like to hear from others who have set their bottom line - did it help? did their loved continue using? I just feel so sad & helpless...... :(
I will try a quick response. the bottom of loosing everything is always the point where my son will eventually admit defeat and go to detox or rehab. That has to be your montra - Go to hospital, go to detox. after that social workers will set him up with living arrangements. of course he wont like where they send him. it is up to him to rebuild.
This is the perfect time for you to stand your ground. you are doing the right thing.
Take it from me.... still enabling, and nothing gets better 100%. I can say my son is better than he was but living at our home, working, we supply transportation and food, and still using. We struggle to get some cash out of his paycheck. eventually he will probably loose this job. he can not see his cycle of dysfunction.
As many of us, I have tried everything - trying to do things the nice way. showing by example.
It all comes down to giving them nothing. That is my NYear's resolution. I have become the enabler and I have to stop it.
So - don't get yourself where I am - its harder to back out of what we have established as the norm.
you are doing the right thing. He is old enough. He knows what he is doing.
My son - when heavy in addiction would claim he does not want to live 'like this' I am sure he meant it, but it is part of the withdrawal. he also uses it to motivate me to 'help' him. The only help he wants is money.
He also would focus on a job - HAS to have a job.... because that is the money ticket to buying more drugs.... be aware if your son goes to rehab, he will be on good behavior, you will be tempted to help. Don't. He needs to do the steps and the thought process to take care of himself. my son says he will "pay his bills' - 'that's the plan!' paycheck comes and goes, he is completely uninterested in paying anything.
(All of the advice I give and I can not do this myself... hopefully I can change my behavior this year)
keep reading there are many others with older children posting here.
Keep educating yourself - try SmartRecovery.org for informational reading.
do a search for recovery center - programs in your area so you can tell your son where to go for help. a hospital that has detox and rehab is the first place to start.
This is the perfect time for you to stand your ground. you are doing the right thing.
Take it from me.... still enabling, and nothing gets better 100%. I can say my son is better than he was but living at our home, working, we supply transportation and food, and still using. We struggle to get some cash out of his paycheck. eventually he will probably loose this job. he can not see his cycle of dysfunction.
As many of us, I have tried everything - trying to do things the nice way. showing by example.
It all comes down to giving them nothing. That is my NYear's resolution. I have become the enabler and I have to stop it.
So - don't get yourself where I am - its harder to back out of what we have established as the norm.
you are doing the right thing. He is old enough. He knows what he is doing.
My son - when heavy in addiction would claim he does not want to live 'like this' I am sure he meant it, but it is part of the withdrawal. he also uses it to motivate me to 'help' him. The only help he wants is money.
He also would focus on a job - HAS to have a job.... because that is the money ticket to buying more drugs.... be aware if your son goes to rehab, he will be on good behavior, you will be tempted to help. Don't. He needs to do the steps and the thought process to take care of himself. my son says he will "pay his bills' - 'that's the plan!' paycheck comes and goes, he is completely uninterested in paying anything.
(All of the advice I give and I can not do this myself... hopefully I can change my behavior this year)
keep reading there are many others with older children posting here.
Keep educating yourself - try SmartRecovery.org for informational reading.
do a search for recovery center - programs in your area so you can tell your son where to go for help. a hospital that has detox and rehab is the first place to start.
My son also uses Meth among other things. He has lost everything and is homeless. I havent seen him in over a year so I feel your pain.
So your son came to your house but wouldnt stay the night. Didnt want constructive help to enable him to help himself? What did he want ... for you to find him a job or pay for a place for him to live? Mine always wants things his way, right away. He is quick to make his problems our problems.
Unfortunately, I havent been able to help my son give up drugs. After years of use, I think it has affected his brain so he is unable to make rational decisions. I had to let him go. I had to protect us because his need for money was never ending. My son was also impossible to get along with and kept us stressed out all the time. Now I worry about him all the time but have no answers.
He can not live in our home. He has not changed and I know the pattern. Comfort gives him free reign to go back to his old ways. It is a bad situation for a parent to be in.
The holidays are especially bad. I have been trying not to think about him but it is very hard. He has his own life now and I want no part of the chaos but he was once my little boy so those thoughts and feelings wont stay away.
So your son came to your house but wouldnt stay the night. Didnt want constructive help to enable him to help himself? What did he want ... for you to find him a job or pay for a place for him to live? Mine always wants things his way, right away. He is quick to make his problems our problems.
Unfortunately, I havent been able to help my son give up drugs. After years of use, I think it has affected his brain so he is unable to make rational decisions. I had to let him go. I had to protect us because his need for money was never ending. My son was also impossible to get along with and kept us stressed out all the time. Now I worry about him all the time but have no answers.
He can not live in our home. He has not changed and I know the pattern. Comfort gives him free reign to go back to his old ways. It is a bad situation for a parent to be in.
The holidays are especially bad. I have been trying not to think about him but it is very hard. He has his own life now and I want no part of the chaos but he was once my little boy so those thoughts and feelings wont stay away.
My 30yr daughter also is/was a meth addict. I have called the police,I have called mental health crisis. She was hospitalized 6 times in a year and each time she went back to drugs within hours of being released from the hospital.
She has been mostly clean for 5 months.She had to lose everything before any progress was made.
My response to her every time she called screaming at me was hospital and rehab .I said it over and over..Do not talk of love or how you will help. That just gives them ammunition to manipulate you.
I can say my child is now on meds and is doing better but everyday is a struggle.
She has been mostly clean for 5 months.She had to lose everything before any progress was made.
My response to her every time she called screaming at me was hospital and rehab .I said it over and over..Do not talk of love or how you will help. That just gives them ammunition to manipulate you.
I can say my child is now on meds and is doing better but everyday is a struggle.
Thank you everyone - it is very helpful to hear from others in the same boat. I know in my heart we have to stand firm, but it doesn't make it easier to do it. One hard fact is we are only staying in the state where he lives (CA - lots of treatment options) for the holidays. We live in another state with HORRIBLE medical/treatment options!! We are in a very rural, conservative state. The nearest ER is 150 miles away & marijuana is still a misdemeanor & law enforcement has a zero tolerance policy. So there would not be help readily available there. However we won't be just minutes away from another late night crisis or rant.
((((hugs)))) to us parents dealing with this.....
I am one of the parents with an older addict. Our son is 47 and a meth addict. He hasn't talked to us since April and now he called today. When the phone rings my heart jumps and I feel panic. I always hope it is him calling to say he is doing better and getting help and that he loves us! haha!
Well, I didn't answer right away as I was at the hospital with his 85 yr old dad who is having surgery. I text him later and of course, it was the same ole crap! He has a low phone battery, he is sick, he has no food, no water, and needs a battery and gas for the RV he is living in and has to move it or they will tow it. I text him to go to an ER if he is sick but the same ole excuse --I can't leave my two dogs and someone will either rip me of and steal my stuff or tow my RV. He has been buying old run down rv's and fixing them up to sell and then buys another to fix up. Problem is he has to stay in motels when he sells one till he can buy another and that uses up all his profits. We know his lines and we do not enable him anymore at all!
I am so sad and heartbroken cause I have prayed to hear from him but it is always so stressful!
I worry about getting a call that he has od'd or committed suicide cause he is very depressed.
It is such a roller coaster of emotions and I try very hard to stay strong for my elderly husband and our 17 y/o handicapped son that is adopted.
I totally understand the emotions of being the mom of an addicted son or daughter and it never ends! I do know that I can't fix or change him and only he can! Now if I could find a way to erase all these "mom" feelings or worries!
Praying for a better year in 2019 for all of us!
Hugs--Lori
Well, I didn't answer right away as I was at the hospital with his 85 yr old dad who is having surgery. I text him later and of course, it was the same ole crap! He has a low phone battery, he is sick, he has no food, no water, and needs a battery and gas for the RV he is living in and has to move it or they will tow it. I text him to go to an ER if he is sick but the same ole excuse --I can't leave my two dogs and someone will either rip me of and steal my stuff or tow my RV. He has been buying old run down rv's and fixing them up to sell and then buys another to fix up. Problem is he has to stay in motels when he sells one till he can buy another and that uses up all his profits. We know his lines and we do not enable him anymore at all!
I am so sad and heartbroken cause I have prayed to hear from him but it is always so stressful!
I worry about getting a call that he has od'd or committed suicide cause he is very depressed.
It is such a roller coaster of emotions and I try very hard to stay strong for my elderly husband and our 17 y/o handicapped son that is adopted.
I totally understand the emotions of being the mom of an addicted son or daughter and it never ends! I do know that I can't fix or change him and only he can! Now if I could find a way to erase all these "mom" feelings or worries!
Praying for a better year in 2019 for all of us!
Hugs--Lori
Awww DuchessChama, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't rereading my own post. I'm at a point right now where I'd prefer NOT to here from him. He went from communicating with on a regular basis & in a normal fashion to avoiding calls & not being around to imploding his entire life. He stopped talking to everyone in July to his latest girlfriend kicking him out & now he is homeless & so he called just spewing such anger & venom at everyone for HIS mistakes...
Addiction is truly a nightmare. Thinking of each of you tonight, as we deal with the pain of addicted kids.
