I only recently (this week) found out that my adult 33 year old son is addicted to heroine. I couldn't have been more shocked in all my life. No, I am not a parent in denial saying "Not my kid, no way!" When he was a teenager, he had a run-in with acid. From the time he was 18, he was clean and didn't do any drugs that I am aware of. In his early 20's he joined the military and served 8 years. He married and has two beautiful children, ages 9 & 7.
He had to relocate at a point due to the military when he re-enlisted. He moved out of State.
Things suddenly went very wrong. His wife decided that she wanted a divorce and didn't want to be married anymore. It devastated him and he did try reconciliation but she didn't want to be married. After a year and a half of separation, he knew there was no hope of them getting back together and they divorced. At that point he didn't want to re-enlist in the military and be away from his children so he left the military and got a good paying job, with benefits.
Approx. 1-1/2 to 2 years ago he met a lady that was divorced and had a very young child. He feel hard and fast for her. They appeared to have a lot in common and I had talked to her on the phone numerous times. She is a very likeable person, very good nature and appeared to love my son (I'm sure that she does).
Suddenly, my son ended up loosing his job, citing the reason that he needed to take the children to school and his employer wanted him there to start work at an hour that wouldn't enable him to take the children to school.
I was rather shocked, after all if he had to be at work early, why didn't his girlfriend (they were living together) take the children to school? She wasn't working at the time. Or if that wasn't possible, then give the children to his ex so that they are able to get to school, you don't sacrifice your job.
Then the borrowing of money started. One month, my husband (not his biological father) and I gave him 6 thousand dollars as I wanted him to catch up on bills and not be behind any longer. Imagine me being perplexed when two weeks after he received the 6 grand, he called, saying his electricity had been turned off and could I get on-line and pay it for him. I asked, what happened to the money we already gave you within the last 30 days? I got silence on the other end of the line.
About this time is when I knew something wasn't adding up. His girlfriend could not hold a job longer than a couple of months with various excuses why she quit. And she has professional background in various areas, yet she went for part time jobs, at best. Problem was, there is no family of mine located there to tell me what if anything is happening with my son.
This week, I was able to dig up information on my son's girlfriends parents and left a message, asking one of them to call but not saying a word of my suspicions. The mother called me and told me that her daughter had a background in Heroine use for years and that she herself had seen track marks on my sons arms for the past 6 months but suspected that the drug abuse started before that. To say I was shocked is an understatement. My son was raised in a clean environment, I don't do drugs nor do I drink. I do know addiction is hereditary and can even skip some generations. Substance abuse is on both sides of the families and I always warned my son when he became a teen that he had to be careful and keep himself in check.
I have some background in Al-Anon (my son's father, my ex is an alcoholic, sober 10 years) and I grabbed my One Day At A Time book today to do some reading. However, Al-Anon is alcohol addiction based so I replace some words, like alcoholic for basic word: addiction. I used to attend al-anon meetings some years ago. However is there another organization for parents of adult children with drug addiction ? I did find nar-anon in my area, meetings are on Sat evenings.
I have not spoken to my son, basically because I am not sure what to say. I know, this isn't my problem, I don't blame myself and I certainly do not feel guilt like I did something wrong. And despite his girlfriend, it was his choice to start shooting up and no one else.
The money stops here and now and there will not be another dime. My husband and I are ready to move into a retirement community and no, he is not welcome to live with us. I will not give up my life like my late mother did. My late mother sacrificed the entire family for her drug addicted son (my brother). She enabled him at every turn. I refuse to follow in those footsteps. I love my son with all my heart but I know that I cannot make choices for him, nor can I control what he does. I can only change myself.
My biggest question I need to ask is needing advice on what to say when I speak with him? He doesn't know that me and his step father know what he has been doing. I haven't' called him as I have been dealing with this news only for 4 days and trying to sift through the emotional turmoil that I put myself in (I am doing better as I heal, slowly, it's a process). And I am detaching myself for my own sanity. Not only that, but I want to be rational with my words, not angry ones as that will not be beneficial to him or me.
I do know that he will call within the next few days (if I don't) as he was calling nearly every two weeks for money. Had I known, he wouldn't of had a dime from us in the first place. The money stops now and if he ends up homeless, that's not my problem either. I am always here if he needs someone to talk to but that's where I draw the line, no more financial assistance, no manipulation, no stories of how he needs the water turned back on, and he can't come home. I know I must sound like a monster of a mom to some of you, but I am not. I love my son with every fiber of my being and we were always close. I have to preserve and nurture my life and I am not about to sacrifice it for anyone. He decided on this path, not me.
He is a veteran so he can seek help there if he truly wants it. A friend took him to a AA meeting one evening last week and when the friend asked my son if he would like to go again, he could pick him up. My son's reply was, "No thank you, I'm good."
Any suggestions, quotes, etc to help me find the words I need to say to my son would be greatly appreciated.
you are doing the right thing- you must protect yourself-only he can decide when he is ready to quit/or not, if he quits for the wrong reasons he is very unlikely to stay off drugs- best of luck / i am sorry i have never been in this situation so i do not know the right thing to say- but i would let him know that you are aware of what is going on- do not tell him how you came by this information-
The only thing you can say to him is that you are aware of the struggle he is facing with heroin and that you love him. And that when he is ready for help (if possible) you will do anything in your power to help him.
If he ever approaches you for money...you just need to say you don't have it...don't down him or his habit...just say you don't have it and your sorry. Please don't enable him like I have with my son..because it kills them faster. I recently stopped helping financially...and my son is totally healthier. I know he still dabbles..but he can not do it to the extend he was doing it when I was paying his rent..and other things.
Take care of yourself is another BEST thing you can do.
Stay strong and Read let me fall all by myself...over there to the left on the boards.
If he ever approaches you for money...you just need to say you don't have it...don't down him or his habit...just say you don't have it and your sorry. Please don't enable him like I have with my son..because it kills them faster. I recently stopped helping financially...and my son is totally healthier. I know he still dabbles..but he can not do it to the extend he was doing it when I was paying his rent..and other things.
Take care of yourself is another BEST thing you can do.
Stay strong and Read let me fall all by myself...over there to the left on the boards.
Travelin' Man and Misssy2
Thank you for your timely responses and they came right in the nick of time. After reading your responses, my son called asking me to send funds earlier (usually its the middle of the month) for repairs for his vehicle.
Staying calm and focused I replied that there are no more funds. I then said that I was praying for him that he seek help for his addiction.
He replied: "What addiction?"
I replied still staying calm: "Your addiction to heroine"
He said: "Addiction to heroine, who told you that?"
I replied that I had suspicions earlier and that no more money will be given and he cannot live here. That I love him and that I hope he will seek help. I am always here if he needs to talk and I will help wherever I can but it won't be financial.
He said at that point, OK and he needed to go and guessed that he now needed to sell his vehicle since he can't afford repairs. First time in his life that he never said he loved me before ending our conversation. I'm alright with that, I know its the addiction talking and not him.
Thank you for your timely responses and they came right in the nick of time. After reading your responses, my son called asking me to send funds earlier (usually its the middle of the month) for repairs for his vehicle.
Staying calm and focused I replied that there are no more funds. I then said that I was praying for him that he seek help for his addiction.
He replied: "What addiction?"
I replied still staying calm: "Your addiction to heroine"
He said: "Addiction to heroine, who told you that?"
I replied that I had suspicions earlier and that no more money will be given and he cannot live here. That I love him and that I hope he will seek help. I am always here if he needs to talk and I will help wherever I can but it won't be financial.
He said at that point, OK and he needed to go and guessed that he now needed to sell his vehicle since he can't afford repairs. First time in his life that he never said he loved me before ending our conversation. I'm alright with that, I know its the addiction talking and not him.
Eliza,
Hang in there. It is a tough thing to do having to say no to our children. It's hurts like hell. What you said to your son was tremendous and took much courage. I applaud you.
He loves you. Right now he is probably trying to figure a way to get more money for the drugs. Once all the avenues are closed, then hopefully he will choose recovery. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there. It is a tough thing to do having to say no to our children. It's hurts like hell. What you said to your son was tremendous and took much courage. I applaud you.
He loves you. Right now he is probably trying to figure a way to get more money for the drugs. Once all the avenues are closed, then hopefully he will choose recovery. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
